Bad, mean parent

cathy01

my daughter is 14.Shes loves facebook and Im very careful of how she uses it.She decided to make another page, and wounldnt accept a friend request, because Im stalking her.In the past year we have had 5 incidents where I felt the need to intervene on her facebook page.There was threats, and rud sexual comments made.
So, I was annoyed as I think at 14 shes too young to fully accept the dangers of social networks.
Sooo.I did something REALLY BAD, and I feel terrible.I gave her a choice, friend request me or her dad or its gone.
I know I cant controll her access to it when shes at friends houses.So.I broke into her account and changed her password.
I will give them to her, but only when she understands that soical network is a privilage not a right.I am respecting her privacy but at 14,I feel that I still to moniter her while on a computer.
Am I really the worst mother in the world.Or just a protective one with clear boundiers as to what a 14 year old should or should be allowed to do on facebook etc.Like I said 5 times in the past year we, her parents had to intervieen to prevent social bulling etc.Please put my mind at rest,cathy

Nevyn

You house, your internet connection your rules.
I don't think you are out of line at all, I do think you will get a lot of abuse and emotional blackmail over it as she does her best to make you feel like you are ruining her life but I think you are 100%, she broke the rules she gets her privelges pulled.

I am getting pressure atm from my 10 years old daughter who wants a facebook account and she was told no way thats happening any time soon.

littlebitdull

I think you did the right thing. You have a duty of care to your child. She doesn't have t olike it!!

RH149

'How dare you invade my privacy!'

'You have no right to do that!'

'You can't control my life!'

That's what you're likely to hear.....she's a kid (still) -that's her job.
You're protecting her as best you can -that's your job. You'll get hell for it but you did the right thing.

foxy06

Wish my mother had been as protective as you are. Fair play.

jmbkay

I would love to have the courage and persistence you have. But I back down a lot. My older daughter goes into the younger ones page a lot and keeps an eye on it. Also, when the younger girl has MSN conversations on the laptop, they stay on it, (in files somewhere), but she doesn't know that. They have been read and deleted. She is 14 by the way.

The Big Red Button

cathy01 wrote: »

my daughter is 14.Shes loves facebook and Im very careful of how she uses it.She decided to make another page, and wounldnt accept a friend request, because Im stalking her.In the past year we have had 5 incidents where I felt the need to intervene on her facebook page.There was threats, and rud sexual comments made.
So, I was annoyed as I think at 14 shes too young to fully accept the dangers of social networks.
Sooo.I did something REALLY BAD, and I feel terrible.I gave her a choice, friend request me or her dad or its gone.
I know I cant controll her access to it when shes at friends houses.So.I broke into her account and changed her password.
I will give them to her, but only when she understands that soical network is a privilage not a right.I am respecting her privacy but at 14,I feel that I still to moniter her while on a computer.
Am I really the worst mother in the world.Or just a protective one with clear boundiers as to what a 14 year old should or should be allowed to do on facebook etc.Like I said 5 times in the past year we, her parents had to intervieen to prevent social bulling etc.Please put my mind at rest,cathy

I can't help but think that it would be very interesting to hear your daughter's point of view on all this.

I would advise you to be aware that normal 14 year olds do regularly use facebook without incident, and without the need for parental "intervention".

How on earth would you ever think it to be OK to break into her account and change her password? You are completely violating your rights and trust as a parent. You are not respecting her privacy in the slightest.

I'm not going to "put your mind at rest." Sure, you can pat yourself on the back and tell yourself that you're being a good mammy or whatever. In reality, all you're doing is completely alienating your daughter and forgoing any chance of her ever placing any trust in you.

The only person I feel sympathy for here is your daughter.

nesf

I'm not 100% ok with this. Kids need space in their lives from their parents. I understand the urge to protect but equally a kid needs to learn the hard way sometimes and you need to take off the training wheels at some point in their early teens.

*shrugs*

Nevyn

Which would be why I would say a monitored account at 14 but she broke the agreement by setting up another one. There has to be consquences and follow through.

nesf

Thaedydal wrote: »

Which would be why I would say a monitored account at 14 but she broke the agreement by setting up another one. There has to be consquences and follow through.

Kids need space, if you don't give it to them they'll find another way to get it behind your back.

Nevyn

True but it has to be a balancing act with boundaries and house rules.
Ideally you raise them in such away that if they see or read things which upset/worrys them they come to you and you can deal with it, those are the best internet filters you can have but with cyberbullying being as it is and that there was already issues and then the rules borken I still agree with removing the access until a better more workable agreement can be reached.

The Big Red Button

Thaedydal wrote: »

True but it has to be a balancing act with boundaries and house rules.
Ideally you raise them in such away that if they see or read things which upset/worrys them they come to you and you can deal with it, those are the best internet filters you can have but with cyberbullying being as it is and that there was already issues and then the rules borken I still agree with removing the access until a better more workable agreement can be reached.

Removing internet access - maybe acceptable, in exceptional circumstances.

Breaking into someone else's account and changing their password - a complete violation of privacy, in my opinion.

Deliverance

chatterpillar wrote: »

I can't help but think that it would be very interesting to hear your daughter's point of view on all this.

I would advise you to be aware that normal 14 year olds do regularly use facebook without incident, and without the need for parental "intervention".

How on earth would you ever think it to be OK to break into her account and change her password? You are completely violating your rights and trust as a parent. You are not respecting her privacy in the slightest.

I'm not going to "put your mind at rest." Sure, you can pat yourself on the back and tell yourself that you're being a good mammy or whatever. In reality, all you're doing is completely alienating your daughter and forgoing any chance of her ever placing any trust in you.

The only person I feel sympathy for here is your daughter.

Wrong, v.wrong at 14yrs old you are still under the rule of the parent whether you like it or not. The people with your best interests at heart are your parents, not strangers on a social networking site or so called friends. If any 14yr old does not like that then they are at liberty to contest it with the parent in the home.

Adults / parents rule by experience and knowledge and they pass this protective experience for a reason. That reason is protection by their own learned experience. A good parent will always do this and not fold to a person who would propose mistrust as an issue.

smelltheglove

I feel at 14 she needs to learn to fight her battles and stand up for herself, so intervention isnt always best. You want to encourage your child to come to you when she has problems, I know at this age I was a handful but space was all I wanted, it is understandable for a 14 yr old girl not to want her parents reading her private messages on facebook, and thats what they are private. You need to find a healthy medium, allow her access to it and encourage her to trust you with any issues she has. You will find it hard to gain her trust by breaking into her account. I have a 13 yr old brother and until recently he did not have the password for his bebo account, now he is getting older he is allowed on it, I have disabled the webcam on his computer so he cant use that and spoken to him about not speaking to strangers etc. My 8 yr old regularily goes onto the internet, surfing kids pages etc and I allow her to do it beside me or with me.

Deliverance

chatterpillar wrote: »

Removing internet access - maybe acceptable, in exceptional circumstances.

Breaking into someone else's account and changing their password - a complete violation of privacy, in my opinion.

Breaking into the account is wrong but it is a parents right to protect their kids in whatever way they can.

The Big Red Button

Deliverance wrote: »

Wrong, v.wrong at 14yrs old you are still under the rule of the parent whether you like it or not. The people with your best interests at heart are your parents, not strangers on a social networking site or so called friends. If any 14yr old does not like that then they are at liberty to contest it with the parent in the home.

Adults / parents rule by experience and knowledge and they pass this protective experience for a reason. That reason is protection by their own learned experience. A good parent will always do this and not fold to a person who would propose mistrust as an issue.

Theoretically, you may be correct.

In real life, whether you are correct or not is irrelevant. In real life, you will not be there to police your 14 year old every minute of every day. In real life, believe me, they will have their own social lives, on and offline, whether you have access to their internet profiles or not. (Bear in mind that, while you may be able to control their internet access at home, every schoolchild has internet access and knows every proxy going.)

I do not envy anyone parenting a teenager in this day and age; I do recognise how tough it must be. But alienating your child is only going to make things harder for you in the long run.

rainbowtrout

nesf wrote: »

Kids need space, if you don't give it to them they'll find another way to get it behind your back.

I'd agree, she'll probably just set up another account at a friend's house, or use facebook mobile if she has a mobile phone.

OP, instead of banning her from facebook, why don't you sit down and make some reasonable rules about its use? Keep her profile private, no profile pics of herself, only befriend people she knows and is actually friends with, if bullying is an issue.

Give her some space, wanting to be her friend on facebook to monitor her activity is a bit like reading her texts/diary. She should have some privacy. I can't imagine her wanting to trust you if you go breaking into her account. Facebook isn't the only place she will be exposed to the kind of thing you are trying to prevent, it's nothing she hasn't heard in school already.

I teach computers in secondary school and every week the students have a new way around the filter that blocks facebook/bebo etc etc, so she won't have any problem getting online if she wants to.

shinikins

At 14 she is still a child. Don't give in to her OP, she needs to learn a lesson in respect. Some may argue that you invaded her privacy by looking at her account, but to be honest she doesn't deserve any if she is not going to be up front and honest with you. Chatterpillar is right in saying that you can't moniter her 24/7, and that she will develop her own social life, but she needs to learn some responsibility and respect too.

blubloblu

Legally, I'm pretty sure even children have a right to privacy that can only be violated if a serious threat exists (life or death)

Nevyn

blubloblu wrote: »

Legally, I'm pretty sure even children have a right to privacy that can only be violated if a serious threat exists (life or death)

They don't.

There was an agreement in place and she broke it, and while we can't monitor them 100% of the time we have to do our best despite that and I don't agree with young teens having smart phones either.

Deliverance

shinikins wrote: »

At 14 she is still a child. Don't give in to her OP, she needs to learn a lesson in respect. Some may argue that you invaded her privacy by looking at her account, but to be honest she doesn't deserve any if she is not going to be up front and honest with you. Chatterpillar is right in saying that you can't moniter her 24/7, and that she will develop her own social life, but she needs to learn some responsibility and respect too.

Also she needs to learn that facebook is not private. Everyone and anyone can view her account parents and others to boot. There is no such thing as a private account online. Especially where facebook is concerned.

Learned teachers take note for their students and teach them as such. Facebook is constantly under investigation for revealing private details online.

beccabeccabecca

I understand that you want to protect your daughter, but the way you have gone about this situation seems a bit heavy handed to me. Taking away her internet access at home because she broke the rules is a fair punishment, but hacking into her account and changing her password is a step too far - and probably futile to boot. You said in your post that she had already set up a second Facebook page, what's to stop her from making a third one? All you've succeeded in doing really is provoking an enraged reaction from your daughter.

At fourteen, unless she is very immature for her age, she should be able to understand the dangers of the internet for herself and why it's important to make your profile and photos private and only add people who you know and are friends with. It's common sense for any child that has grown up with the internet generation.

With regard to the threats, are you sure they are genuinely malicious? How did your daughter react to them? I only ask because most teenagers communicate through the language of taking the p*ss insults. For example, it wouldn't be unusual for my best friend to leave a comment on my wall saying something along the lines of "get online now or I'll break your face". Now, if anyone I wasn't close with said that to me I would be frightened and intimated, but because it's her I know it's just a joke. If my mother read a comment like that though, regardless of who it was from, she would be up in arms. I think it's a generational thing (and not necessarily a good one). As for the sexual comments...she's a young teenager. Sex is still hilarious and relatively taboo for most kids that age and it's really cool to show off what you know about it to your friends. It's probably nothing more than that. Sitting down with her and having a talk about what is appropriate behavior and what's not mightn't go astray though, especially because her comments will be typed and not just a verbal giggling/whispering session with her friends.

If she <i>is</i> being bullied (which I kind of doubt purely because if she was getting abuse surely she wouldn't be so eager for a new account?) it's a different issue altogether and I could understand your reasoning a bit better, but I still don't agree with it. Yes, she broke your trust first by going behind your backs and creating a new account, but going behind her back and changing her password doesn't exactly set a great example either.

cathy01

Thanks for the replies.
We did have an agreeement in place.1 facebook page, everything open so parents know whats going on.She broke that rule.In the past the bulling got so bad that it efected her.She wants ot be likes, liked every teen and put up with it .
She has an 18 yr old brother so I know the sexual context of posts can be harmless, and funny.It was not, it was bad and not directed at her but at a member of her family.
Her brother has come to me a few times to say , shes made friends with xyz and hes really into the drugs mam , and she doesnt even know him.This would be a boy thats older at school .
We have had talk after talk, and enough is enough .I went onto one of her friends pages, as the little one vists everyyear and I cant go this year.I couldnt believe pictures of her in her vest and pants!
Some teens know the dangers, so are told the dangers and some dont seem to understand , no matter who tells them, their parents , siblings or peers.
So I cant wait till the heavens flood open and all hell brakes loose when she tries to get into it.She will get the pass word , but must have a adult keeping an eye, even if its her brother,(hes cool, but not quite cool enough, but he has nice friends so she talks to him:D)
Thanks again,cathy

Sleepy

As soon as my kids start using the pc at home, there'll be keylogging software going on it.

As soon as I've any reason to worry about them if they've been let surf unsupervised, I'll be scanning the logs for danger words 'pregnant', 'sex', 'suicide' etc...

It'll stay that way until they're 17 or so.

Sneaky and Intrusive? Yes.

Better safe than sorry, yes imho.

KittyeeTrix

My 11, 13 and 16 year olds all have FB pages which they are allowed onto unsupervised. I've had the internet danger talks with my 11 year old daughter and I don't feel the need to police her.
My 16 year old wouldn't appreciate me noseing at his private chats as much as I'd appreciate him being privvy to mine. If he doesn't talk to his buddies on FB he will talk in texts or face to face instead. I just don't see the big hoohah about it.
Chat and have an open discussion with your kids and then let them off to negotiate the world with a little steering now and then but not complete dominance and lack of privacy....
I believe and again this is only my opinion based on the rearing of my own children that this clamp down would only result in shutting down the routes of communication between us and ultimately when they really need to discuss serious issues with me they won't feel able
Just my opinion!!

Scuid Mhór

don't come on here looking for people to put your mind at rest. jesus. i'm sixteen; when i was fourteen i was on bebo frequently. my parents found out i had a bebo when i was thirteen and got me to delete it, so the one i had a year later was behind their backs. not only did they never find out about it, but i never got myself in trouble. if you can't trust your daughter at fourteen years of age to cop herself on and learn about the dangers of social networking, when can you? you don't just mature overnight. it's a step-by-step process. i made A LOT of mistakes but i've learned from them, nothing serious happened from them and i'd say i'm able to handle pretty much anything nowadays.

you need to sit down with your daughter and talk about this. don't show her cases where people were abducted for talking to strangers; that gives teenagers the same attitude to getting long-term diseases from smoking, 'hurr durr it'll never happen to me'. if you don't have something personal to use as an example of danger, don't use an example at all. just explain why she can't friend a bunch of people, etc.

also, why is she getting punished for sexual messages being left on her wall? if anything, shouldn't you talk to the parents of the kids who wrote them? the only thing she can do is delete them, and deleting stuff never helps anything.

CrazyRabbit

I would hope that any child using the Internet is made aware of the dangers and common scams etc that they can encounter. And of course they need to know not to post any personal details, and understand why this is so dangerous.

I would also hope that the parent/child relationship is strong enough that the child would tell their parents if they came across anything inappropriate or of concern. i.e, someone asking for personal details, sexual or rude comments/images etc.

With education, and a strong relationship, it should be ok for a 14 year old to use the internet with minimal monitoring. Of course, this is highly dependent on the maturity and trustworthiness of the child.

The simple fact is that no matter how much you try to control what they see/do on the internet, you can't control it 100%. This is especially true now as we move into the age of mobile internet & social websites.
They are going to see bad stuff, and are going to run into dangers at some point. The best approach is to teach them of the dangers and how to respond to them appropriately. It's akin to teaching children how to cross a road safely and to understand the dangers. At some point you just have to stop holding their hand and let them cross on their own.

cathy01

The teaching has been hard to learn.Shes getting there.I believe in talking , being open etc, but sometimes,I feel I have to be her mam, not her friend.
Rules that have been agreed should not be broken.
Dangers are there, hence we have rules.Having no respect for them , in the long term will not teach her any lessons.
thanks again,cathy

Chuchoter

I hate using slippery slope arguments, but she's 14 and needs to learn to stand up for herself, especially online. Irregardless of that, she is 14 and while still a child, she still deserves some level of privacy. Once its facebook, then its phones and then its diaries. I'm 17 and I still get treated like a child by my parents because they have never been ok with me having my privacy (all three of these things have been done by my parents more than once), and for that reason I have 0 trust in my parents, but I'm the one getting given out to for breaking trust for things they should never have found out about and had nothing to do with them.

Ickle Magoo

At what stage will she be able to go onto the internet unhindered? At what point do you want her to share with you what is going on rather than having to spy on her to do so? 14 is no baby, I left home at 16. At some stage you have to trust you've given her all the information about keeping safe and being careful you can and you're going to have to trust she has the good sense to fall back on that and ask your advice if needs be.

I think being overly controlling and the whole "while your under my roof" stuff just alienates and pushes everything underground - big part of the reason I left home was my parents inability to accept I was growing up. I can see now they had my best interests at heart but at the time, eugh, it was stifling and did far more harm than good.

Nevyn

14 is still more child then young adult to my mind, there are things I would let a 16 year old do which I would not a 14 year old do, even a mature one.

Yes we have to respect and trust them but part of that is following the ground rules laid down and she didn't, she broke the trust first.