Another "Rate my speech" thread

bigdogbarking

Ok guys,speech due to be delivered this weekend, a little nervous that its not good enough, (usual jitters i suppose) just a few pointers needed, basically if its clean enough, if its short enough/too short/too long etc and if caters to most peoples tastes without offending anyone.
If you've any constructive criticisms they'd be more than welcome.
Also i've removed all names for a little anonymity so where you see[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] XXXX.[/FONT] you'll know whats supposed to be there.
Thanks

Here goes:

[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]SPEECH[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Good afternoon ladies and Gentlemen,Can everyone hear me ? I'd like to welcome you all, especially those of you from meath, to the home of the true leinster gaa champions!!!![/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]As most of you have probably have guessed already from the church I am the Best man, however for those of you who don’t know me personally, my name is [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]‘[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] what-would-you-like-to-drink’. I hope many of you will come and say hello at the bar later - but I do insist you use my full name.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]
Ok, I would like to begin, on behalf of XXXX and XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] by thanking you all for being here and sharing their special day with them.

As it is customary on these occasions, it’s time for one or two speeches of thanks, namely from [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]on behalf of the [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Family, from [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] on behalf of the [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] Family, From [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]l himself and finally a few words from me. [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]I’m quite sure that we’re all very are anxious and some of us very nervous (point at [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]) at the prospect right now so without further ado...
It gives me great pleasure to call on [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] to say a few words, so come on everyone give him a massive round of applause.

**[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] SPEECH**
Thank you [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] for those kind words……….[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]I now call upon [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]to say a few words, Again a massive round of Applause

**[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] Grooms Speech**
Now for the Man of the moment.
Thanks [FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX, now we'll keep going and i'll get started, i know you all have the stopwatches running[/FONT]

**[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] Speech**[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]MY SPEECH[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]

Unbelievably, I actually lost my speech, I know! You couldn't make it up! However, I managed to jot down a few words to say this morning at breakfast (take out cereal box with speech)[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]I will only be giving a short speech today because of my throat.....[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] has threatened to cut it, if I go on too long[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]. I had originally written a long speech, butto cut it down even shorter I needed some help so I thought to myself - “who'd be the best man to help me?, “ someone who would be able to offer me impartial advice, someone who has been to more weddings than anyone else here, someone who is a confident public speaker, so I decided to ask the padre, Father [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive], and his advice to me was this, he said “think of a wedding speech like a miniskirt – Long enough to cover the basics but short enough to keep you interested”[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]NOW, there are obviously two [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]VERY[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. Many of us will know them pretty well already, and the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast –[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]to the bar staff.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Right, on a serious note though, [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Firstly I’d like to thank [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] and[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]for laying on such an extravagant and successful event, the company is excellent, the hospitality couldn't be better, and we have a beautiful bride to admire. And again, on behalf of the groomsmen and bridesmaids, a special thanks to [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]l for his Kind words, and to take this opportunity to personally thank them both for the honour and Privilege of being selected to fulfil the role as [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX'[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]s best man. [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]I'd like to offer [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]my[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] thanks to the Groomsmen, [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive], [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]y and [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive], the best way to compliment them is to compare them to a glass eye – they definitely looked the part but were feck all use, [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] who did a fantastic job as usher, [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]and [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive], the flower girl and pageboy, who probably got more photos taken of them both than the bride and groom!! and of course to the Maid of honour [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]and the bridesmaids [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive], [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] and[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] who all undoubtedly look fantastic only to be outshone by the beautiful [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive], who I must say looks absolutely stunning today , Whereas [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] just looks stunned. [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]I'd also like to offer my congratulations to the bride and grooms parents[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] and [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive], and [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] and [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]I'd like to offer my thanks on behalf of [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] and [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]to Father [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]h..... and to the Parish of[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] for the use of their beautiful church.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]I[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]’d like to thank all the staff and organizers at the [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] for their hard work in preparing this wedding. I think you’ll all agree it is a fantastic venue, meticulously presented, Beautiful food, and a special thanks to [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive], for the free flowing wine[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]And of course, how could i continue Without thianking everyone here for attending. I salute you. It still amazes me how far people will travel for a free meal and some complimentary drinks.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]I've been told that a best man’s job mainly consists of several important tasks:[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]The first being to book the stripper for the stag party, but unfortunately there were no strippers in carrick-on-shannon so Mr. [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] kindly stood in for the night, Thank you [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive].[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Secondly is making sure [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] got to the right church, at the right time, in a reasonably sober condition, properly dressed and in possession of the wedding rings. So 12 cups of coffee and three red bulls later we pulled up to the church raring to go.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]But the third and most important task is getting 5 minutes to assassinate [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]’s character and reveal some of the embarrassing things he managed to get away with in his bachelor years....... But sadly by disclosing everything [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]has done, I would only be implicating myself and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation! [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Also [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] asked or should I say [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Insisted[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] that I shouldn't expose any dirty secrets about them both so I can't discuss any stories of loud lovemaking or intimate forest car park outings [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Nor can I mention [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] surrendering to the enemy in recruit training when his trench ran out of ammunition, and when he gets really drunk, he always brings up the story, strongly protesting that it never happened and insisting the only thing he ever surrendered was his heart, to [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]. Yes folks he's a ridiculously he's a soppy drunk! [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]And of course I was told that any of the delightfully embarrassing stories from [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] childhood that his brothers kindly passed on to me were completely off limits so I can't tell you any of them until we are in the residents bar later[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]And, because it was a family occasion, I was also told that, I couldn't talk about sex, drugs or violence so that rules out talking about the stag do too![/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]But what I can do is help the happy couple get the best possible start to married life.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Firstly we have to recognise that [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] and [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] are starting a new chapter in their lives together, and now that these two lovely people have finally tied the knot they have agreed to forgive each others past indiscretions....*(take out tin box)*... So if anyone was ever given a key to their house,or took one from the fruitbowl in the sitting room, will they please return it to me now and no more will be said. . It is only fair to start the ball rolling myself and to return the key that I have . . . you too father . . . . . . . . . . Sorry [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Secondly, because I’m not too long married, I asked my wife [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] for some words of advice we could pass on to them both, and she said that I should kindly remind [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] to.....
Remember that men are like a fine wine…
They start out like grapes…
And it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]
So to [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] I have to add...
By coincidence, women too are like a fine wine…
They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind…
And then they turn full bodied with age, and eventually give you a splitting headache![/FONT]


[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]Ok, Now if you let me finish on a serious note, I'd like to take the opportunity to express how deeply honoured I am to be standing here offering a toast to my best friend and his stunning wife on their wedding day, two of the most honest, sincere and beautiful people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting, [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]So those of you who can still manage to stand would you all please join me in raising a glass to toast the continued success and happiness of the happy couple [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]To [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive] and [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, cursive]XXXX[/FONT]

helimachoptor

A bit long but made me chuckle! I liked the surrendering his heart part

tinkerbell

I LOVE IT!!!! Aw It's so sweet! And funny too which is the main ingredient in a good speech! I think it's great and you're a wonderful friend to have made such a nice speech.

I love the special toast to the bar staff bit!!! And how you are amazed that people will travel so far for a free meal and drinks.

I think it may be a bit long, how long does it take you to say it?

Great speech - best of luck with it at the weekend!

Bosco26

Just quickly scanned through your speech, seems good.

Makee sure you know your crowd, too much sexual innuendo might not go down too well with parents, aunties and uncles.

The speech will only be remembered if it is cringeworthy and doesn't suit the crowd.

I was a bestman a few months ago, stayed away from anything of that nature and the speech went down a treat.

Remember, its the bride and grooms day.

Best of luck with it though.

The Davestator

i reckon its good to go!

emma82

Loved it! Its funny, original, wee bit dirty & covers everything you need!

I'll be completly honest with you though- the keys bit has been done & done & done & done...... Its the only part I'd change.... Sorry!!

newtoboards

Speech is fine but you have most internet wedding speeches i've ever heard/read edited and put together with some weird sexual references in the middle. It's all very cliched and very much in the i've heard it all before territory. Tone down a couple of the typical wedding speech bits and add a nice or funny (can be embarrassing but not humiliating) personal story about the groom and say something nice about the bride. Make it personal instead of just a generic speech that could be delivered at any wedding.
I got compared to Mrs Doyle on my wedding day by the best man because my incessant need to ensure the world will have a quick cup of tea if they end up in my company. And my husband was embarrassed with a story about of when they were teenagers and they went on their first sun holiday. No sexual innuendo and no drink references. All very clean but very very funny and could only be talking about us.

seabre

I think this is a great speech - and not too long as it will prob only take 5 mins max to read. Well done!

Trampas

make sure the groom isn't thanking the same people.

if he is then take that bit out

davesneddon

yeah, i think its a good speech, would agree with the key bit though, I've seen that done loads of times over the last few years, but it does usually always get a laugh, so if you want go for it.

It MIGHT be a little bit long depending on how long it takes you to say it, for a good speech I really don't think you want to go over ten minutes.

gl.

bigdogbarking

Thanks all, I took out the sexual references, added a few more jokes, a little but more emotion and it went down a storm!
i had All speeches finished in 20 minutes, including mine, the groom, and 2 fathers' speeches. So that kept everyone happy.

davesneddon

congrats, glad it went well

newtoboards

bigdogbarking wrote: »

Thanks all, I took out the sexual references, added a few more jokes, a little but more emotion and it went down a storm!
i had All speeches finished in 20 minutes, including mine, the groom, and 2 fathers' speeches. So that kept everyone happy.

Brilliant, good and quick too timewise!

Shellygoose

well it certainly made me smile......well done and glad to hear it went well.

My Mam is getting married on Friday and as something different myself and my brother are giving a joint speech and the butterflies wont stay still in my tummy!!!

bigdogbarking

Shellygoose wrote: »

well it certainly made me smile......well done and glad to hear it went well.

My Mam is getting married on Friday and as something different myself and my brother are giving a joint speech and the butterflies wont stay still in my tummy!!!

Its diffferent alright but sounds good, breaks the mould a little
Yeah i was jittery too, its a bit daunting, although i am used to giving lectures to a class, it was a completely new environment, but one thing to remember is that by the time the speeches have come along most of the audience are a bit merry and more than relaxed.so all the hard work is done for you.
Best of luck