gift from therapist

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one, I recently had my last session with my counselor and she was excellent i have to say. she said she felth a warmth to me and a very intense feeling between us, anyway at the last session she bought me a gift i dint think counselors done that. why did she get it for me (it was a book)? i should say i do apreciate it.

LighterGuy

Just curious, is she older than you?
If its a book about the subject as to why you need counseling .... then ... well... could just be to help you more. If its just a random book, well "hello "

Without further info cant really say shes into you. Definitely sounds like it tho

metrovelvet

A therapist should damn well know that gifts are hot potatos. She should not have given you a gift. Very bad form. If you are confused by it then call her on it.

LegacyUser

LighterGuy wrote: »

Just curious, is she older than you?
If its a book about the subject as to why you need counseling .... then ... well... could just be to help you more. If its just a random book, well "hello "

Without further info cant really say shes into you. Definitely sounds like it tho

shes the same age as me, the book wasnt a self help book or anything im just confused as i didnt know therapists gave gifts

krankykitty

They generally don't give gifts.. Was the book significant in any other way to the therapy (ie, had you spoken about it?)

I am wondering if you're asking us if we think your therapist fancies you and the gift is her way of letting you know. It would still be unethical for her to pursue you even though you've left therapy..

Nevyn

Some times it is nice to give someone a gift as a marker and reminder for them of everything they have been through, survived and achieved esp at the end a series of theraphy or counselling. I wouldn't read anything more into it.

LegacyUser

krankykitty wrote: »

They generally don't give gifts.. Was the book significant in any other way to the therapy (ie, had you spoken about it?)

I am wondering if you're asking us if we think your therapist fancies you and the gift is her way of letting you know. It would still be unethical for her to pursue you even though you've left therapy..

ethics do notbither some of them who are more disturbed than their clients. a gift is a bit like counter transference, i would run

Smyth

what exactly was the book OP. It might have some relevance.

lynsalot

Hi OP,

I think giving a gift at the end of a session is slightly inappropriate in her profession. Her role is as a professional offering you support. It's hard not to bond with a therapist and its absolutely essential that you do but a clear line should be drawn thats where the bond ends.

Then again without knowing the lady in question, its hard to know what her motives are. A therapist/patient relationship isn't a healthy basis for a relationship and this would've been drilled into her during her training so perhaps it is innocent but if she gives gifts to all her clients it would encourage unwanted attention from some.

End of the day see what happens but I'd be slightly wary of her motives.

tenchi-fan

Hi op. Pardon the pun but "don't read too much into it"!

It's a small gift which was given at your *last* session. I think it's a parting gift!

curadh

OP the relationship you both built up over the sessions was always going to have an element of closeness, affection, and attraction. These impulses are present between us all but we learn to control them and suppress them.
The therapy isn't over, you may be back for a few sessions in 6 months or 6 years. She possibly felt there was something for you in this book. It was a nice gesture on her part. However that does not mean she wants to sleep with you, your feelings of affection are clouding your judgement of it.

unhappycamper

Books are knowledge based, they have no sexual or flirtatious innuendo, it is a gift except if for what it is. Sounds like you are reading to deeply into a nice gesture.

LegacyUser

hey guys the book i think might have a message in it (its a novel) but i think it represents her taste more. Im ok with accepting the book as it means a lot to me, however there has been incidents of sexual arouasal on both sides, which she admitted to me i know this happens in therapy a lot and is called transferance and she dealt with it excellently. i told my friends she gave me a gift and one or two said i should give it back, thats a bit harsh isnt it?

Nevyn

I doubt very much that your therapist said to you that you caused her to become sexually aroused, if she did then she is in breach of her ethics and standards.

You are fixating on her and projecting what you feel about her on to her.

LegacyUser

i should say that she didnt say sexual arousal she said counter transesference and that she was experiencing it and that it was a symtom of the therapy. this came up when i said i felt strange feelings towards her and she said this was transference and she felt counter transference. she never used sexual arouasal i did. ps i wont see her again

LegacyUser

no im not interested in asking her out or anything i dont have feelings for her that way

metrovelvet

This is the problem with gifts. They are a hotbed of meanings and complexities and exactly why she should not have given you one.

I thing you should call her and tell her you are confused by it and tease out what is going on.

It could be a reflection of your inability to receive something without suspicion.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

This is the problem with gifts. They are a hotbed of meanings and complexities and exactly why she should not have given you one.

I thing you should call her and tell her you are confused by it and tease out what is going on.

It could be a reflection of your inability to receive something without suspicion.

i did ask her but she just sort of trailed off

Zen65

I think a book is a very "safe" present. It's very different to buying you an item of clothing, an after-shave, or jewellery. I think she's saying "our relationship was based on something very platonic, so let's mark it up as that".

Accept the book, be glad of it. I think she'd be horrified if you said you thought there was something odd or suggestive about it.

It sounds to me like she enjoyed your company, and you were a pleasure to work with. Be glad that others would see you that way, it's a compliment to your personality.

Read the book, and unless she has written her home phone number in lipstick on the inside cover page, don't give it another thought!!

Be at peace,

Z

metrovelvet

I dont think Monica Lewinsky would agree with you after receiving a limited edition copy of Leaves of Grass from Bill Clinton.

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

I think a book is a very "safe" present. It's very different to buying you an item of clothing, an after-shave, or jewellery. I think she's saying "our relationship was based on something very platonic, so let's mark it up as that".

Accept the book, be glad of it. I think she'd be horrified if you said you thought there was something odd or suggestive about it.

It sounds to me like she enjoyed your company, and you were a pleasure to work with. Be glad that others would see you that way, it's a compliment to your personality.

Read the book, and unless she has written her home phone number in lipstick on the inside cover page, don't give it another thought!!

Be at peace,

Z

yea that seems right i shouldnt listen to my friends so much, i was ok with it, delighted in fact as its a nice reminder of all that she has done for me

LegacyUser

OP if you do not mind

Did she say if the counter transference was positive or negative? What were you feeling that you described as weird i think

sam34

op again wrote: »

i should say that she didnt say sexual arousal she said counter transesference and that she was experiencing it and that it was a symtom of the therapy. this came up when i said i felt strange feelings towards her and she said this was transference and she felt counter transference. she never used sexual arouasal i did. ps i wont see her again

counter-transference is not necessarily sexual, it can be any of a range of feelings

LegacyUser

noethics wrote: »

OP if you do not mind

Did she say if the counter transference was positive or negative? What were you feeling that you described as weird i think

she descibed it as a intense nice feeling towards me, thanks sam i looked it up after she said it i had no idea that it existed and i was complelty un prepared for it

Nevyn

Seriously you need to top fixating with her and get on with your life instead of using it as a distraction.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Seriously you need to top fixating with her and get on with your life instead of using it as a distraction.

your wrong about fixating with her my friends said i shouldnt have accpeted the book as it could get her in trouble im simply asking peoples opinion on it

JonathanAnon

I dont understand OP,
If you are not going to see her again why is this even an issue... Are you worried about her not being professional, or being inappropriate with future clients.. ? incidentally, what was the book about .. was it self help?

LegacyUser

JonathanAnon wrote: »

I dont understand OP,
If you are not going to see her again why is this even an issue... Are you worried about her not being professional, or being inappropriate with future clients.. ? incidentally, what was the book about .. was it self help?

i have the option of returning to her in a month and my friends say i should give the book back, its not a slef help book, its a novel

metrovelvet

Are you sure you want to stop therapy? Not being glib.

Novella

OP, seriously, she gave you a book. My counselor gives me books all the time, because she thinks I'll like them and I usually do. It's great. I get to talk to someone about my problems, and borrow books. It doesn't mean anything. Your counselor was probably just being nice, giving you a book she thought you might like to read. Let it go.

Kooli

I'm a therapist and I would never give a client a gift. I would lend books to my clients, but that is a totally different thing, it's not a gift. I'm not saying she was wrong, but I do think it's a big deal and something most therapists would not do.

If you're confused about it you have every right to raise that with her (if you decide to go back in a month) and she should have the skill to address it head on without 'trailing off'.

And I think it's really unfair to suggest that the OP is 'fixating' or needs to 'get on with his/her life'. We could easily say that to anyone in PI!

The fact is when something is ambiguous, or there's a weird feeling about it, it's natural to go back over it in our minds because it's an unanswered question.

IITYWYBMAD

Kooli wrote: »

....

And I think it's really unfair to suggest that the OP is 'fixating' or needs to 'get on with his/her life'. We could easily say that to anyone in PI!

The fact is when something is ambiguous, or there's a weird feeling about it, it's natural to go back over it in our minds because it's an unanswered question.

I totally agree. How anybody could come to that judgment without knowing the OP and the exact circumstances around his/her issues/relationship is beyond me.

metrovelvet

I agree. It's outrageous feedback.

Nevyn

The OP has started more then one thread about thier feelings towards thier theraphist including one about getting her a gift from them when they finished thier session with them and now this one.

IITYWYBMAD

Thaedydal wrote: »

The OP has started more then one thread about thier feelings towards thier theraphist including one about getting her a gift from them when they finished thier session with them and now this one.

Given the (apparently) limited knowledge you have on the situation, I still think it is an outrageous leap to claim somebody is fixating on somebody, especially their therapist.

The OP could be mis-guided, or naive, but to state or try to diagnose that a person has an obsessive preoccupation with another, and given that this person has been to see a therapist, based on "more than one thread" is highly irresponsible.

Big Bag of Chips

op again wrote: »

.....there has been incidents of sexual arouasal on both sides, which she admitted to me....

As it turns out she DIDN'T admit it.. he assumed what she meant, without understanding what she said.

I agree with Thaedydal, he does seem fixated by her, and seems to be looking for something from her that's not there.

From what he OP has assumed before, I now think there's a chance that the book wasn't a gift, that it was loaned.. (he says he may be going back to her in a month?) He seems to be hearing/assuming things that he wants to be true.. so he wants her to have given him a gift.. does anyone get what I mean?!

OP, I'd just like to say, this is all obviously assumption on my part too, because I don't know you or the situation.. just what you have written. So if I'm way off I apologise..

BUT you do seem to be assuming things about this lady, and obviously you have developed feelings for her, which as you say, seems to be common and understandable in therapy situations.

I think if you DO go back to her, you should tell her allt his out straight. You should ask her if what you think she is feeling is infact right. She should be able to tell you directly that she does not feel that way about you, and hopefully put your confusion to rest. If she doesn't then it's time for you to change counsellor.

IITYWYBMAD

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

As it turns out she DIDN'T admit it.. he assumed what she meant, without understanding what she said.

I agree with Thaedydal, he does seem fixated by her, and seems to be looking for something from her that's not there.

From what he OP has assumed before, I now think there's a chance that the book wasn't a gift, that it was loaned.. (he says he may be going back to her in a month?) He seems to be hearing/assuming things that he wants to be true.. so he wants her to have given him a gift.. does anyone get what I mean?!
....

All of what you say may be true. But neither you or I are in a position to make a diagnosis on that basis. Like I say, the OP may be naive, however it's a big leap to suggest that the OP is fixated and certainly an irresponsible use of words.

metrovelvet

For all anyone knows op was seeing her because he fixates, obsesses,seeks approval or any number of things.

In any case gift giving is full of subtext to start with. Bad move from a therapist.

JonathanAnon

op again wrote: »

i have the option of returning to her in a month and my friends say i should give the book back, its not a slef help book, its a novel

A lot of self help books recommend the use of metaphor and stories as a good way of communicating a message. Does the book have a message that maybe she wants you to learn from (and thus the book may be part of her trying to help you)...

I'm not sure if it would be productive for you to go to the same therapist, if you think that she has feelings for you (which seems to be what you are suggesting). You may end up spending the sessions trying to work out what she is thinking rather than trying to help yourself..

IITYWYBMAD

metrovelvet wrote: »

For all anyone knows op was seeing her because he fixates, obsesses,seeks approval or any number of things.

In any case gift giving is full of subtext to start with. Bad move from a therapist.

Exactly.

Nevyn

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

All of what you say may be true. But neither you or I are in a position to make a diagnosis on that basis. Like I say, the OP may be naive, however it's a big leap to suggest that the OP is fixated and certainly an irresponsible use of words.

If you have an issue with my post report them and my co mods and cat mods will review it.

I have not tried to make a diagnosis and I am not using the term in the medical fashion as you are assuming.
There have been several threads where the OP seems to be looking for advice to attempt to try and establish
a romantic relationship with his therapist and has been told time and again it's not done.

IITYWYBMAD

Thaedydal wrote: »

If you have an issue with my post report them and my co mods and cat mods will review it.

I have not tried to make a diagnosis and I am not using the term in the medical fashion as you are assuming.
There have been several threads where the OP seems to be looking for advice to attempt to try and establish
a romantic relationship with his therapist and has been told time and again it's not done.

I understand the DRP and reporting procedures, thank you.

Irrespective of your reasoning behind your comments, I stand by mine.

I, and others, find that your comments were inappropriate, given the nature of what the OP 'appears' to have gone through.

Perhaps you should have locked the thread (as you may do now), given that you had the inside line on this op instead of using emotive and possibly accusatory terminology.

The Recliner

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

I, and others, find that your comments were inappropriate, given the nature of what the OP 'appears' to have gone through.

And others didn't find then inapproriate

Perhaps you should have locked the thread (as you may do now)

We are not going to lock this thread

But could people please drop the arguments over semantics and get back to posting helpful comments for the OP

IITYWYBMAD

The Recliner wrote: »

And others didn't find then inapproriate

That's true, but that's the beauty of discussion boards. I also am assuming you mean "them inappropriate".

But could people please drop the arguments over semantics and get back to posting helpful comments for the OP

I believe it's more than semantics, I believe trying to hammer the message home that this guy/gal is fixating, is the wrong message for anybody to hammer home, and especially a mod, and does not help the OP in any fashion.

My advice to the OP would be to confront the counselor with his/her concerns about the book, and deal with it then.

Big Bag of Chips

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

My advice to the OP would be to confront the counselor with his/her concerns about the book, and deal with it then.

Which was my advice too back in post #36....

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think if you DO go back to her, you should tell her allt his out straight. You should ask her if what you think she is feeling is infact right. She should be able to tell you directly that she does not feel that way about you, and hopefully put your confusion to rest. If she doesn't then it's time for you to change counsellor.

If someone posts an a public forum, regardless of whether they are seeing a therapist or not, they have to be prepared for hearing things that they may not like. I don't see any reason to take great exception to the use of the word "fixation" anyway.

I am using fixation in this context.... from dictionary.com "Fixation: a preoccupation with one subject, issue, etc.; obsession",

IN MY (non-medical) OPINION, he is fixated. He is preoccupied with thoughts of his therapist, and he is imagining things she said to him.. (mutual sexual arousal) etc.. This to me is fixation! Again, I wasn't aware it was a medical term, or it wasn't my intetnion to be seen as diagnosing the OP.

But in the context of the thread, and the context of the OP's posts, I don't see the use of the word as "outrageous feedback" or "inappropriate".

metrovelvet

Thats all fine but telling him hes fixating and to get over it is so unevolved and indicative of not understanding the therapeutic process.

This kind of thing happens alot in therapy,its not uncommon, and he should address it with her.

Nevyn

Or he could disconnect knowing that due to what he is feeling he can no long deal with this person in a professional manner and seek someone else to see as a theraphist if needed.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Or he could disconnect knowing that due to what he is feeling he can no long deal with this person in a professional manner and seek someone else to see as a theraphist if needed.

That is just blaming the patient and is why therapists in Ireland can do as they please. Just who is the patient , the OP or the therapist. The therapist should know better and should know how the gift may be interpreted. Or would do if properly trained but with a situation where anyone can call themselves a therapist who is properly trained?

The Recliner

The Recliner wrote: »

But could people please drop the arguments over semantics and get back to posting helpful comments for the OP

I am quoting my earlier warning because people chose to ignore it

Seriously drop the arguing and post about the OP's issue or there will be more bannings and I don't want to do that and I don't want people's sniping to get the thread closed on the OP

LegacyUser

op here I dont know were to start, first of all yes i did start another thread about a simular thing while i was in therapy and the therapist acted in a way which made me feel uncomfortable i never said i wanted a romance with her. I didnt end the sessions as such but to begin with i was offered a certain amount of free sessions with the offer to pick them up at a later date i choose not to continue them as i feel happy about ending them as to a large extent im over the original reasons why i went.

several people have commented to me that some of the things that i mentioned before about things that were said in therapy were highly innapropriate, on my last session i recieved a book , not borrowed because as far as she knows im not coming back unless i call to make a apointment, which i wont be doing as there are people who need it more than me (its a part charity funded orginaization).

my friends some of which work in mental health said to me that her giving me the book was highly innapropriate and that i should return for the sole reason of giving back the book.

Now i wont see this person again, i choose not to follow up any sessions with her, i dont mind people second guessing my reasons for posting this thread but to say im fixated would be ignoring the fact that i choose not to see this person again!

I dont know how many people have been to therapy but it was my first time going and i have no idea of the right conduct while in therapy, i got a gift of her (not a self help book ) which i was ok with but some friends including one or two in the industry said that under no circumstances should i return the book and, im just a bit confused about it all which i imagine is normal. now what part of that means im fixated im guessing some people think just because im in therpay my perception must be wrong or something.

I wont see this therapist again by my choice in no way am i fixated on her however i will say that she was a excellent therapist and she helped me through some tough times and make sense of past traumas, she has been more of a friend to me than a therapist, she really really helped me and for that i will always think of her fondly, if anyone has been to therapy and been helped through a serious childhood trauma they will understand that its perfectly normal. some people are confusing that with romantic intent, if any of you have been through hard times and had a friend who helped them through it and was there for them can attest to they will think of them people fondly. i have no romantic intent towards her, to suggest so shows a complete lack of understanding towards therapy and human nature, aparantly becuase i think fondly of someone who put heart and soul into helping me recover im fixated on her.

to put the reason why i posted this into a sentence "my therapist bought my a gift, not a self help book, i am ok with that i choose not to see her again however some friends of mine some of which are from a mental health background said under no circumstances should i keep the book but return it to her, what shoud i do? i dont mind if people say im fixated or at worst imagining things but guys this isnt the case here to continue to do so would be ridiculous

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

As it turns out she DIDN'T admit it.. he assumed what she meant, without understanding what she said.

I agree with Thaedydal, he does seem fixated by her, and seems to be looking for something from her that's not there.

From what he OP has assumed before, I now think there's a chance that the book wasn't a gift, that it was loaned.. (he says he may be going back to her in a month?) He seems to be hearing/assuming things that he wants to be true.. so he wants her to have given him a gift.. does anyone get what I mean?!

OP, I'd just like to say, this is all obviously assumption on my part too, because I don't know you or the situation.. just what you have written. So if I'm way off I apologise..

BUT you do seem to be assuming things about this lady, and obviously you have developed feelings for her, which as you say, seems to be common and understandable in therapy situations.

I think if you DO go back to her, you should tell her allt his out straight. You should ask her if what you think she is feeling is infact right. She should be able to tell you directly that she does not feel that way about you, and hopefully put your confusion to rest. If she doesn't then it's time for you to change counsellor.

you are way off and to be impying im imagining things is ridiculous but apology accepted