grieving and dating?

LegacyUser

Hi,

well I am also happy this forum has started, its what I needed...

I wanted to know if anyone have been through the same or similar situation ever or because I am feeling clueless about how I feel.

I lost my younger brother a year ago, surprised illness out of nowhere and he past.
At the time I was not dating anyone per se but had a sort of a little thing on the side with someone.
He happened to become not just about sex when I informed I had lost a family member and became close to me and step by step we dated and fell madly in love (it happened within 2 months of the passing)...now my question is this, has anyone ever dated someone when really they should of grive, is it such a thing as replacing this enormous feelings into something else?? I never thought I would go out as dating with this guy ever needless to say fall in love and this love is mad, we have broken up now and i cant stop thinking of him and its an awful feeling to think i am more into thinking of this guy and wondering if hes thinking of me or whatever as i should be thinking of my brother ????
I feel awful sometimes thinking bout it and thining of my brother to this day brings an emormous amount of emotion and cry, its unreal.
I have seen a therapist for grieving, it helped a little but not so much as i was constantly talking bout the ex more than my brother, she said maybe i was transferrign those feelings of lost into this relationship and now it was over it was all tangled and connected to my brother as ex bf = the brother.

I dont know, I would really want to move on and stop thinking of the ex all the time, everyday, and knowing someone else maybe had a similar thing well then he would give me hope, that I am no alone and selfish and an awful sister for being so concern about someone when should start moving on from the pain of the passing of my brother.

Thank you for reading, I welcome any suggestions and comments of stories please.

Best to all

messymess

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. I would say your Brother probably only ever wanted you to be happy and to enjoy your life as best you could and just get on with it.

The mind is awful place to be sometimes, it's obvious from your post that your grieving your brother but there's nothing to say that you can't grieve or be upset, or preoccupied by other things at the same time. This guy obviously brought you great comfort and joy to you at a low time in your life, of course you're going to be thinking about him.

I'm no expert on this but I think you should relinquish yourself from the added pressure you're putting yourself under here and just accept that how you feel is how you feel. There's no need to feel guilty over this. If you stop beating up over it there might be a good chance you'll see/feel things a little differently when the dust settles.

Just my 2c !

LegacyUser

messymess wrote: »

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. I would say your Brother probably only ever wanted you to be happy and to enjoy your life as best you could and just get on with it.

The mind is awful place to be sometimes, it's obvious from your post that your grieving your brother but there's nothing to say that you can't grieve or be upset, or preoccupied by other things at the same time. This guy obviously brought you great comfort and joy to you at a low time in your life, of course you're going to be thinking about him.

I'm no expert on this but I think you should relinquish yourself from the added pressure you're putting yourself under here and just accept that how you feel is how you feel. There's no need to feel guilty over this. If you stop beating up over it there might be a good chance you'll see/feel things a little differently when the dust settles.

Just my 2c !

I think this makes sense alright. After a number of years, I wouldn't say I've totally overcome the trauma of a parent dying and sometimes I think it affects my relationships. A good friend of mine's dad died a number of years ago, around the time she was taking a big step studying abroad. She met her long-term boyfriend there but she split up with him because she was still going through some stuff and needed to clear her head. She never said it, but I think she was having trouble wondering if it was that they got together because she desperately needed a nice guy to fill that gap or whether she really wanted to be with him for ever. I think she felt she made the right choice, but it wasn't easy.

But how can you say no to relationships when they come along? It's hard to compartmentalise your emotions, but the important thing is to work out your grief to the point that you're OK with having those feelings and looking for love. But perhaps now is not the right time.

I should take lessons from myself, but it's easier to tell other people.