probs with mother and gf

LegacyUser

ok folks where to start.

my mother and gf are both nice people if a little highly strung. At the moment my gf is pregnant and we are getting engaged so its all come to a head.

A bit of background info. When my mother and gf met they got on v well. At one party we were out my mother got wasted and my gf took care of her as she didnt know anyone else at party. my gf sent my mother gifts and cards for birthdays and occassions and used to pick stuff up for my mother, my mother liked my gf until we broke up. It was an overreaction and we got back together. Since then my mother has not been as caring towards my gf and my gf knows it well, as a result my gf has cooled off with my mother, which my mother doesnt like and im not happy with.

there were other instances like my gf bought my mother shoes at a sale. They were 400 down to 100 or something and my gf asked my mother to try them and give them back if they didnt fit. They didnt fit but my mother never gave them back to my gf and she was pretty annoyed about that.

When we broke up my mother said my gf had said something innapropriate to her at the party which she found offensive, my gf disputed this when i told her she said she didnt say it and as she was sober and my mother was hammered she thinks she would have a better recollection of events. she thought that my mother had either misunderstood or confused her with someone else being so drunk.

At another day out my mother had some food and a few drinks, my gf had one drink and when my mother asked her if she's like another my gf said no thanks, my mother asked her again twice with my gf declining, my mother then poured the drink in her glass anyway and she got annoyed. My mother then got annoyed at my gf for being annoyed and when i was alone with my mother she had some not nice things to say about my gf like she thinks she's offensive and vulgar and doesnt approve of her.

Now its time to announce our engagement and baby but i dont want to. i know my mother will freak and be mad and knowing im going to get a poor reaction and on something so joyous its really putting me off. my gf is annoyed that im letting my mother ruin it for us and im a bit annoyed at my gf for not being more understanding and is pressuring me into telling her. my gf trhinks i will always put my mother over her and says now shes pregnant for once she deserves to be put ahead.

i would love if they could just be friends again but i dont know how to get that to happen. i also dont know how to broach this with my mother or how to get my gf to stop hassling me into it. any ideas?

The Lovely Muffin

my gf bought my mother shoes at a sale. They were 400 down to 100 or something and my gf asked my mother to try them and give them back if they didnt fit. They didnt fit but my mother never gave them back to my gf and she was pretty annoyed about that.

Do you blame your gf for being annoyed? She spent time, effort and money getting those shoes for your mother, as a nice gesture, and asked your mum to try them and if they didn't fit to give them back.

If I had done that for someone and they didn't give them back, I'd be pretty annoyerd too and I wouldn't be long about telling the person gave them to how I felt about their behaviour.

How would your mother have felt if the tables were turned and she got shoes for your gf and your gf never gave them back if she was supposed to? What would your mother have said/done?

At another day out my mother had some food and a few drinks, my gf had one drink and when my mother asked her if she's like another my gf said no thanks, my mother asked her again twice with my gf declining, my mother then poured the drink in her glass anyway and she got annoyed. My mother then got annoyed at my gf for being annoyed and when i was alone with my mother she had some not nice things to say about my gf like she thinks she's offensive and vulgar and doesnt approve of her.

Your mum asked your gf if she wanted another drink, your gf said no, but your mum went ahead and poured her a drink anyway and your gf got annoyed. It's now wonder your gf got annoyed, she said she didn't want a drink, but your mother poured her one anyway and then got annoyed because your girlfriend got annoyed.

Now its time to announce our engagement and baby but i dont want to. i know my mother will freak and be mad and knowing im going to get a poor reaction and on something so joyous its really putting me off. my gf is annoyed that im letting my mother ruin it for us and im a bit annoyed at my gf for not being more understanding and is pressuring me into telling her. my gf trhinks i will always put my mother over her and says now shes pregnant for once she deserves to be put ahead.

Your gf is right, you are (partly) ruining it and so is your mother.

Your gf is pregnant, carrying your baby, someone you created together and your (getting) engaged, planning on spending the rest of your lives together, starting/raising a family together and you don't want to announce it because of what your mother will think/say/do?

What age are you OP?

Your gf is right, she should come first, because 1) She carrying your baby & 2) Your planning on spending the rest of your lives together.

Yet you are still letting your mother/your mother's actions/behaviour interfere in that.

How much stress, worry and anxiety is this causing your gf?

Announce the pregnancy and engagement and deal with your mother actions/behaviour afterwards.

The longer you leave the announcement, the harder it will be.

astra2000

Well first congrats on such great news!!!! its a pity that you have all these problems that are overshadowing it for you both. your gf sounds like a nice person helping your mother when she needed it ,but she is probably a bit defensive now knowing your mother does not like her and will see anything your mother says and does as wrong this is human!! i am sure that in a normal situation she would not take any notice of your mother refilling her glass this seems to be older peoples way all she had to do was put the glass down and not drink. Tell your mother how you feel about your gf and that you plan to spend your life with her ask her to be happy for you even if she does not like her after all they got on well at some stage. ask them both to wipe the slate clean for all your sakes and move on if either refuses then point out that if they loed you they would respect other people who love you too. Tell your girlfriend not to let herself be alone with your mother until they are back on an even keel and then your mother will not be able to misquote her. Your gf and baby have to be your priority but your gf needs for your sake to try too i am sure she doesnt want to see you upset either.

Zen65

probs wrote: »

my gf is annoyed that im letting my mother ruin it for us and im a bit annoyed at my gf for not being more understanding and is pressuring me into telling her.

I don't know what you mean by this. What is there for your gf to understand?

That you don't want to confront your mother?

OK, mothers are difficult, and yours seems to be at the "prize end" of difficulty. She seems to be insecure about herself, especially about her drinking. When your gf said she did not want another drink, your mother may have read this to mean "no, I've had enough, and so have you". I don't mean to be unkind (nor jump to conclusions, but I can only assess this based on the information you've given) but what you've written about your mum suggests she has a bit of a drink problem.

Your mother is talking nonsense about your gf.... you don't need to be a genius to figure out that she would prefer you found another gf (or none at all, maybe?). Is your mother afraid that when you raise a family with your gf that she will be left alone, or just largely out-of-the-loop?

Talk to your mum. You have to reassure her about her place in your life, but be firm that you have chosen this gf to be your life partner and you are raising a kid together. I believe that once your mum comes to terms with this she may warm to your gf again.

Your gf sounds like somebody who can be a good daughter-in-law. When the frost around your mum starts to thaw your gf will also need to reassure her that they can be friends. Ask your gf to help you with this, even though she may be (rightly) feeling like she's the victim of your mum's behaviour.

Now here's the bad news: If you don't act quickly on this, be firm but very pleasant to both of these women, you could very quickly find yourself in a very difficult situation with your gf, and this is not the time to upset her or get the wrong side of her.

Be at peace,


Z

Cheap Thrills!

You're going to have to man-up here and stop trying to be such a people pleaser. Your GF has already bent over backwards being 'understanding' with your Mother. Enough is enough.

It sounds that your Mother is a wee bit of a Diva and is used to getting her own way and everyone fluttering around trying to please her. Thing is she doesn't sound to grateful for this.

You and the rest of your family can give in to your Mothers difficult behaviour, that's your choice. HOWEVER, your GF doesn't have to. The more you lot dance around trying to please your Mother, the less she appreciates it.

The family should have stood up to her long ago, they didn't (let me guess, it's just easier to placate her for a quiet life?) but outsiders don't have to accept her unreasonable behaviour and its unreasonable in the extreme for you to expect your GF to either.

Fair play to your GF. She sounds like she has a backbone and a sense of boundaries. You don't though. In life you put your spouse/partner and children BEFORE your parents/siblings etc

You have a new family now. You need to be clear and decisive and stop worrying about your own discomfort. Man up and back up your GF. Let your Mother whinge and moan but you've got to ignore her and stop putting her silly, whimsical nonsense centre stage.

She is going to be displeased, let her. There is nothing you can do to change her behaviour except learn to ignore it. Otherwise this will turn into a long lasting family fued.

VinnyTGM

OP, your girlfriend has more balls than you, tell your mother to fcuk off if she doesn't like your girlfriend, your gf seems very fair and reasonable, the same cannot be said about your mother.

For the sake of your (soon to be) marriage, your gf, and your child I hope you man up.

Nevyn

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Thaedydal

oohlala

op it really sounds like your gf didnt say anything innapropriate at the party but is too polite to tell you your mother is lying. You said yourself your mother was very drunk and gf was i gather sober enough to take care of her, surely she would remember the night better than your mother and as a previous poster said your mother sounds like a bit of a diva. Maybe you don't want to confront your mother but you should at least admit to your gf that the problem isn't her, its your mother. From the tone of your post it sounds like you've led your gf to believe the problem is her or at least 50/50. Its not, its pretty much all on one side.

Your gf needs support now from family and friends sand it doesn't sound like you are giving her any, you seem too caught up in this to be thinking of what she needs. Obviously your mother isn't going to support her. The thing with the shoes is insane, why would she keep the shoes anyway if they don't fit, wouldn't they only be taking up room? But your gf had to lose 100 euro because for some reason your mother wasn't arsed giving them back? Did you ever ask your mum for them? Its obvious that your mum could be better to your gf, how do you think your gf could have been better to your mum?

I think this is a bit of irish mammy/son syndrome. Your mother needs to be told that this is the woman you will spend your life with and its your choice not hers. Maybe if you tell her directly and straight that this is it she will have a bit of cop on and start treating you gf better. I doubt it though but i hope at least YOU will cop on and YOU start treating your gf better

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Just wondering what you would do if your gf stood by and let her father treat you like something he wiped off his shoe? Would you feel all protected and loved? NO??? Well that's how you're treating your girlfriend, how dare you expect her to be "more understanding" she's being abused by your mother, who btw sounds like a nasty piece of work. You might do well to remind your mammy that it's none of her business who you go out with, you do not need her approval and that any more SHANIGANS will be mean that she won't be seeing your partner and child again. I really am sick of hearing people going on about how unreasonable their OH is, like how dare the woman that is carrying your child expect you to stick up for her? What a selfish so and so, honestly OP, you should leave her and let her find a REAL man, that way you can move back in with Mammy and have your hair brushed every night before bedtime.

Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, throughout your whole post you claim that you're gf is annoyed, or upset by something (that your mother has always caused) and then you say you're annoyed at your gf for whatever reason..

At NO stage do you say you are annoyed at your mother for upsetting your gf.

Your gf lost €100 on a gift for your mother that she would never be able to use.. and then you say your gf was "pretty annoyed about that".. do you think she had a right to be annoyed, or do you think she should have just shrugged like you would if your mother did something so disrespectful to you?

I understand that you have spent your life bowing to your mothers will. And you have always accepted her and her ways as "well that's the way she is". But your gf deserves a bit of respect, and if you can't stand up to your mother (it's hard to break the habit of a lifetime) you should at least allow your gf to stand up for herself without you getting annoyed at her.

She stands up for herself (without being rude it would seem) and won't allow herself or her family be walked on.. how can that be seen as a bad thing?

Announce your engagement.. announce your pregnancy. Be prepared for the backlash from your mother, and all you have to say is "I'm sorry you feel like that"

You don't need to argue with your mother - as I said, it's not that easy if that has been the dynamic of yor relationship all your life - but you certainly shouldn't be arguing with your gf because she won't let your mother treat her like dirt.

Be nice to your gf, I have a feeling in the years to come she'll be the one fighting your corner with your mam for you, because you won't be able to do it for yourself.

Beruthiel

probs wrote: »

my gf is annoyed that im letting my mother ruin it for us and im a bit annoyed at my gf for not being more understanding and is pressuring me into telling her. my gf trhinks i will always put my mother over her and says now shes pregnant for once she deserves to be put ahead.

Your g/f is dead right.
Your mother needs to back the hell off and you need to let go of the apron strings.

Seriously, your g/f and baby come first, you are supposed to be there for them.
Your mother needs to quit interfering and mind her own business.
If either of my parents even thought for one second that they could have an negative opinion on my fella, words would be had.

Your mother obviously doesn't know that she has crossed the line, you will need to point it out to her.
Do it soon, before your girlfriend can no longer take it.