I'm afraid my friend is letting himself in for a major crash landing

Chuchoter

I have this friend who is gay, he's 16 and used to be so in the closet and terrified of anyone finding out he was gay because he goes to a pretty rough school and was worried he might get bullied. This was back in January/February. He's been at this gay youth group since then and its full of all these people who've all had these great coming out experiences and such, but I'm worried he's being misled like I was. When I was at this group I got this weird image of what being a gay teen is like in that its all fun and games and everyone is really accepting, and that wasn't the case at all.

He's now got his tongue pierced, his parents are furious and everyones talking behind his back. He was also at the pride parade and got caught by a bunch of straight friends (remember he's not out at all) one of whom is a bit of a sociopath and could tear him to shreds if he wanted to. I don't really get to see him that much and I feel like he's leaving me behind because I'm not as out (yet not out) and proud (well I'd call it delusional) as he is. I'm really worried he's going to get hurt. What do I do, is it just internalized homophobia on my part or should I really warn him?

baby and crumble

I don't really know what I can say on this tbh, because I had a great coming out process, then again I did wait til I was 21!!! I suppose it depends on his character, do you think he'll be able to handle what could out to be awfulness? While it's not ideal sometimes you just have to play it smart. I know when myself and my GF have been travelling we tend to be 'friends' in hostels etc, especially in countries where it's not ok to be gay. I guess it's kind of the same thing here- your friend might be setting himself up for a bad experience,then again it could be the makings of him. It's hard to know. I suppose if he's becoming comfortable then he's obviously gaining confidence...

I dont think any of that will have helped you with your original question!

MultiUmm

It's certainly a difficult situation you're in OP.

It's very understandable you're worried about him, but I'm wondering is his school really as bad as he made it out to be before he went to the support group? What I'm thinking now is that maybe a lot of his fear came from a wider range of issues which he felt insecure and uneasy about, and that perhaps he was expecting the absolute worst if he did come out to more people.

If he's truly in danger if certain people find out then warning him before something bad happens might be hard. He's obviously got a new found confidence after joining this group, maybe he has an idea he'll be given a lot of crap if people do find out about him being gay, but maybe he also feels he'll be able to cope and manage the possible abuse he might get?

People expect the worst OP, it's natural to fear for him but honestly if he's as confident and determined to let people know he's gay I doubt he'll heed any warnings you'll have. He might shrug off your warnings or just become annoyed with you. Then again he might listen to you, it kind of depends on his personality too I think.

Chuchoter

MultiUmm wrote: »

It's certainly a difficult situation you're in OP.

It's very understandable you're worried about him, but I'm wondering is his school really as bad as he made it out to be before he went to the support group? What I'm thinking now is that maybe a lot of his fear came from a wider range of issues which he felt insecure and uneasy about, and that perhaps he was expecting the absolute worst if he did come out to more people.

If he's truly in danger if certain people find out then warning him before something bad happens might be hard. He's obviously got a new found confidence after joining this group, maybe he has an idea he'll be given a lot of crap if people do find out about him being gay, but maybe he also feels he'll be able to cope and manage the possible abuse he might get?

People expect the worst OP, it's natural to fear for him but honestly if he's as confident and determined to let people know he's gay I doubt he'll heed any warnings you'll have. He might shrug off your warnings or just become annoyed with you. Then again he might listen to you, it kind of depends on his personality too I think.

I've never been to his school, but if you'd seen how worried he was when he nearly got caught by two guys from his school (he had a panic attack) I think it must be fairly bad.

Thats the thing see I don't want to be like dragging down how confident he's become over the last few months, because like I'm happy that he's happy. I'm also worried that if I say anything he's going to be like stop raining on my parade just because you had a crap coming out experience doesn't mean I will

MultiUmm

crayolastereo wrote: »

I've never been to his school, but if you'd seen how worried he was when he nearly got caught by two guys from his school (he had a panic attack) I think it must be fairly bad.

Thats the thing see I don't want to be like dragging down how confident he's become over the last few months, because like I'm happy that he's happy. I'm also worried that if I say anything he's going to be like stop raining on my parade just because you had a crap coming out experience doesn't mean I will

I suppose a typical Irish secondary school isn't the best environment to have to come out in, even more so if the school is 'rough'. Perhaps some people from his school already have an idea he's gay though? I take it he's never been interested in girls, lads and girls do pick up on that I think, at least they did in my case.
Can I ask as well who in his school is he planning on coming out to? Or are you afraid he'll be 'found out' through his mannerisms and attending things like the support group and pride festivals? If he's planning to come out, why doesn't he just tell his friends from school? There's no real reason he has to tell the rest of his year if he feels like he needs to but doesn't really want to.

In a way I think his new found confidence is in some sense blinding him. It's great that he's more sure of himself, but he shouldn't let it get in the way of advice and concerns from his friends. The problem is of course is how do you get through to him with your concerns without making him feel defensive.

You could try grabbing the bull by the horns and just approach him about your worries. The key thing if you do this I feel is that you must retain a cool head. If you get upset or anxious around him it'll set the mood for the rest of the conversation. I know it sounds difficult to do, but if you stay calm and approach him as a concerned friend I think he'll be less likely to feel 'oh he/she (sorry bout that, don't know your gender :P) is just jealous of how my coming out experiences are going, no wonder they're bugging me!"

Of course it depends somewhat on his personality as well OP. Is he reasonable? Does he listen to others advice well? If he does that will make it a whole lot easier to get through to him.

As for approaching him in a different way, I'm a bit stumped as of yet to how you'd be able to say it to him in a less full-on way. Maybe you could just mention it in a conversation with him and see where it goes? I'm really unsure how else you can approach him. I think your best bet is to just get it out there OP, tell him you're worried he'll get hurt, that you're delighted he's got this new confidence but just to be cautious as well, not everyone may be as accepting as he'd like.

Chuchoter

MultiUmm wrote: »

I suppose a typical Irish secondary school isn't the best environment to have to come out in, even more so if the school is 'rough'. Perhaps some people from his school already have an idea he's gay though? I take it he's never been interested in girls, lads and girls do pick up on that I think, at least they did in my case.
Can I ask as well who in his school is he planning on coming out to? Or are you afraid he'll be 'found out' through his mannerisms and attending things like the support group and pride festivals? If he's planning to come out, why doesn't he just tell his friends from school? There's no real reason he has to tell the rest of his year if he feels like he needs to but doesn't really want to.
.

I don't know if he's actually planning to formally come out, he just seems to want to live the life of an out person without going through all the bother of actually coming out. Like when he posted the pictures of the new piercing up on facebook one of his friends sort of said it to him and was like you're always giving out about people gossiping about you but you make yourself so over the radar you're not doing yourself any favours. I think he's sort of come out by accident or something.

wonderfulname

crayolastereo wrote: »

I don't know if he's actually planning to formally come out, he just seems to want to live the life of an out person without going through all the bother of actually coming out. Like when he posted the pictures of the new piercing up on facebook one of his friends sort of said it to him and was like you're always giving out about people gossiping about you but you make yourself so over the radar you're not doing yourself any favours. I think he's sort of come out by accident or something.

Oh leave him be he'll be fine, he's just going mad with expression. Irish teens have a tendency to try out every stereotype in the book before they get decently comfortable with themselves, he seems to be going with the whole gay men are OUT there one atm.. maybe he'll meet a nice fella over the summer and go with the relationship people are mature one before hes back in school.. you never know..

And besides he can still act straight come September with a tongue piercing.. I can't tell you how many straight guys I know who have them because they think it advertises their prowess at oral, its not like its a giant flashing sign over his head that says gay. On the other hand I agree with MultiUmm, Guys do cop on some of the time, theres always the gay in a school (statistically it should be gays but theres only ever one..), but they don't all of the time, I know two men in their 30s who grew up together, one came out last year, the other was gobsmacked.

I pretty much agree with zoegh though, sometimes you gotta be smart, although I do have an image of this guy in my head and I got a feeling hes not the type to? And yes it could be the making of him (possibly into Gay Gerry but anyway).

The point is theres nothing really you can do for him only be there, and when he wants your opinion or advice give it. If he doesn't ask don't bother, from what I gather that would probably do more harm than good.