I'm afraid my friend is letting himself in for a major crash landing

Chuchoter

I have this friend who is gay, he's 16 and used to be so in the closet and terrified of anyone finding out he was gay because he goes to a pretty rough school and was worried he might get bullied. This was back in January/February. He's been at this gay youth group since then and its full of all these people who've all had these great coming out experiences and such, but I'm worried he's being misled like I was. When I was at this group I got this weird image of what being a gay teen is like in that its all fun and games and everyone is really accepting, and that wasn't the case at all.

He's now got his tongue pierced, his parents are furious and everyones talking behind his back. He was also at the pride parade and got caught by a bunch of straight friends (remember he's not out at all) one of whom is a bit of a sociopath and could tear him to shreds if he wanted to. I don't really get to see him that much and I feel like he's leaving me behind because I'm not as out (yet not out) and proud (well I'd call it delusional) as he is. I'm really worried he's going to get hurt. What do I do, is it just internalized homophobia on my part or should I really warn him?

jurgenscarl

You and your friend can't live in fear for the rest of your lives.
Are you going to live in terror, always looking over your shoulder or are you going to say to hell with what anyone thinks and that if you die, die on your feet rather than lying down?
The only reason homosexuals have any rights in Ireland is because a few very brave people took a stand, knowing the risks and won out in the end.
We still live in an incredibly homophobic society and bigotry seems ingrained in people.
The only way to change that is when gay people live openly without fear.
Bigots can just go to hell.
If you are under attack from bullies go to your school principal or if the problem is much worse - a real threat of physical injury or worse - go to the gardai.

Chuchoter

Thats all well and good when you're in college and can choose who you spend your time with, but he's 16 and still in secondary school. He seems to think being an openly gay person in Ireland is easy, and I can safely tell him its not and he only has information from all these politically minded gay people who want him to come out because it serves their viewpoint, not taking into account his wellbeing. A lot of schools won't deal with homophobic bullying, hell in my school the teachers egg it on.

Nevyn

It's his choice to make, all you can do as friend is to be there when he needs you.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think there is any harm in taking him to one side and sharing your fears with him - at least that way you will feel you have done your bit and it's then up to him whether he heeds you or not.

Other than that, not sure what else you can do except be there for him if things do get difficult. There is always the chance that coming out will go reasonably swimmingly for him - are you really scared for him or do you want him to slow down so you don't feel so left behind or can catch up?

MissFlitworth

To be honest it sounds like what might be fuelling this for you, along with genuine concern for your friend, is that he's not letting the things that scared you (people talking behind your back, parents disapproving, meeting straight people you know when you're out as a gay person) stop him from being out.

If you're really worried for him then I'd say it once (as you said, he's from a rough school and was worried about coming out in the first place so it's not like he doesn't realise the kind of homophobic crap that's out there) and then leave it. Don't try pull him back to where you are just because you're scared of being where he is

Chuchoter

See I was exactly like him back when I first met him. I was at the group, always talking about gay related things/rainbow everything and then I came out because I was under the impression that Ireland had moved pass being idiots and I was wrong, and although I accept that a lot of peoples coming out are a really good experiences there are still a lot of people like me who had crap experiences.

Otherwise, I am a tiny bit pissed off that he's been ignoring me completely, but that could be for any number of reasons and he's my friend and I want to protect him. Am I just being overly negative?

Chinafoot

crayolastereo wrote: »

Otherwise, I am a tiny bit pissed off that he's been ignoring me completely, but that could be for any number of reasons and he's my friend and I want to protect him. Am I just being overly negative?

Your negativity could very well be what has him ignoring you. You had a bad experience when you came out, thats awful and I'm very sorry to hear that, but nobody should have to live in fear based on others experiences. How is society going to move forward on this issue if gay people remain too scared to come out and be open about who they are?

You can't put your negative experience on your friend. He's not you. You have to let him live his life and who knows, it could all work out okay for him. You say it's not "out and proud" but rather "out and delusional"...thats a very cynical view to have and if he wants to come out and be who he is, having a friend around who is trying to pull him back is going to have such a bad affect.

While I believe that you are genuinely concerned for him I also think you need to look at this a little more closely. You said you feel like he's leaving you behind. This is your issue in my opinion. Have you considered speaking to a counsellor about how you can deal with your sexuality? It might help you in the long run. Holding yourself back because of how you think society will react is only going to hurt you in the end.