Is it too soon?

LegacyUser

Folks,

I really need some advice. I lost my father at the start of the year. My mother is 63 and is finding it really hard as she relied on my father as he drove.
Since Dad died we have been trying to make things easier. My sister has been doing 2 nights and I have been doing 2 nights. Mam stays with us and my sister and then we try and spend some nights in her house. But its hard to go between 2 houses, especially as I am only 2 years married and its hard to leave my wife for the night.

My mother just told me there that she wants to stay on her own tonight. She doesnt want me or my sister there and she has her sleeping tablets which help her sleep.
I know my sister will go nuts as she thinks its way too soon. But Im not so sure. I need advice. I want Mam to gain some sort of independence but is it too soon?

LegacyUser

so sorry to hear about your loss first of all. i don't think its too soon at all. i think if your mom feels ready to try it then its not too soon. just see how she gets on. she knows ye are there to support her, ye are great by the sounds of it. do ye live nearby to her? anyway best of luck, i kow its really hard to think of her by herself but getting back her independence is a good thing. good luck xx

Rev Hellfire

You need to respect your mothers decision; its not for either you or your sister to dictate how she should grieve.

LegacyUser

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

You need to respect your mothers decision; its not for either you or your sister to dictate how she should grieve.

Thanks so much folks. To be honest I know its not too soon and the longer Mam leaves it, the harder it will be. Its my sister who keeps saying that its too soon and it causes friction between myself and her. I know Mam is picking up on this also.

My sister is 4 miles away and I am 8 miles away. So we're extremely close to her.

Millie

I lost my Dad some time ago and my mother was also very reliant on him as she doesn't drive either.
It was tough initially as Mam became very dependant on us (me especially as I am the only girl).
However I think you and your sister are correct to start pulling away from your mother slowly. The longer she has company and people staying with her nightly the harder it will be for her to be without and in the long run will probably do more damage than good.

Keano

Sorry for your loss OP.

The words that stick out for me are

My mother just told me there that she wants to stay on her own tonight

Your mother knows that she has to do this and is ready. All you can do is assure her you are only a phone call away at any hour.

blondie7

Sorry for your loss OP, i to lost my Dad at the start of this year and i was pondering weather to move home and stay with mum. But an older friend of mine gave me some good advice "DONT move home, you need to live your life (i was only 21) and your mum needs to gain independence" So i stayed for a week or two and evetually i had to go back to work. It was the best thing i could have done, as my mum has since passed her theory test first time round (at 60 years of age!) she has been taking driving lessons for the past 2 months and had her last last week. She is alot more independent and doesnt have to rely on us for anything now. i still spend most weekends with her and chat on the phone nearly every day. I think you and your sister need to give her some time on her own. The first couple of weeks will be hard for her but she will come through it im sure, plus your only ten minutes down the road if she needs something.

whitelightrider

blondie7 wrote: »

Sorry for your loss OP, i to lost my Dad at the start of this year and i was pondering weather to move home and stay with mum. But an older friend of mine gave me some good advice "DONT move home, you need to live your life (i was only 21) and your mum needs to gain independence" So i stayed for a week or two and evetually i had to go back to work. It was the best thing i could have done, as my mum has since passed her theory test first time round (at 60 years of age!) she has been taking driving lessons for the past 2 months and had her last last week. She is alot more independent and doesnt have to rely on us for anything now. i still spend most weekends with her and chat on the phone nearly every day. I think you and your sister need to give her some time on her own. The first couple of weeks will be hard for her but she will come through it im sure, plus your only ten minutes down the road if she needs something.

Hi folks, OP here. Just left my home house and it broke my heart to leave Mam on her own. She's upset but she told me to go. She hasnt told my sister so if this doesnt work then its going to come back on me. Have the worst feeling in my stomach right now.

Ginja Ninja

It's not too soon,by her standards and that's what counts.I know it's hard to hear that,but she is her own woman and depending on what she is like she may not like relying on you[my own mother likes to be pretty independent]

Maybe give her a ring before you go to bed?or let her know your just a phone call away? just to settle yourself more than anything.

Deki

When my Dad died my Mom wouldn't do anything. She sort of refused to live. Stopped eating, etc. I am the only girl too so a lot of the stuff she said she said to me. It was very hard, so if your Mom is willing to stay on her own be thankful. She is your parent and no matter how much attention they need let them live their own lives. Be there when she needs you. Encourage her to get out. Remember though that just as much as you needed to take charge of your own life, she needs to be in charge of hers.

blondie7

whitelightrider wrote: »

Hi folks, OP here. Just left my home house and it broke my heart to leave Mam on her own. She's upset but she told me to go. She hasnt told my sister so if this doesnt work then its going to come back on me. Have the worst feeling in my stomach right now.

Hey OP just wondering how your mum got on last night?? Let us no an update.

whitelightrider

blondie7 wrote: »

Hey OP just wondering how your mum got on last night?? Let us no an update.

Hiya Blondie. Well I called at 7.30 this morning and she seemed in good form. She said she slept solidly until 5.30 and then woke a few times. She seems adamant that she is going to do this for herself which I think is amazingly strong.

The only issue is that my sister will hit the roof and I know Ill be in the firing line for letting Mam do this. For the first time in my life I woke up screaming last night. Well my wife had to wake me. Feel like I havent slept at all.

blondie7

whitelightrider wrote: »

Hiya Blondie. Well I called at 7.30 this morning and she seemed in good form. She said she slept solidly until 5.30 and then woke a few times. She seems adamant that she is going to do this for herself which I think is amazingly strong.

The only issue is that my sister will hit the roof and I know Ill be in the firing line for letting Mam do this. For the first time in my life I woke up screaming last night. Well my wife had to wake me. Feel like I havent slept at all.

Well thats great that your mam got through the night. Perhaps you need to sit down with your sister and tell her your mother has made the decision that she is ready to stay on her own. Perhaps another family member could be there with ye, has you mum got a sister close to her or even a very close friend?? This was a huge step for your mam and fair play to her, there stronger than we think!

whitelightrider

blondie7 wrote: »

Well thats great that your mam got through the night. Perhaps you need to sit down with your sister and tell her your mother has made the decision that she is ready to stay on her own. Perhaps another family member could be there with ye, has you mum got a sister close to her or even a very close friend?? This was a huge step for your mam and fair play to her, there stronger than we think!

Yeah she has a sister thats going to move down in September to be close to Mam. Im going to have to talk to my own sister about this because this is obviously effecting my own health when Im waking in the middle of the night frightening my wife.
Stronger than we think? Im stunned at how strong my mother is. She's unreal.

blondie7

whitelightrider wrote: »

Yeah she has a sister thats going to move down in September to be close to Mam. Im going to have to talk to my own sister about this because this is obviously effecting my own health when Im waking in the middle of the night frightening my wife.
Stronger than we think? Im stunned at how strong my mother is. She's unreal.

I feel the same about my mother i thought she would fall to pieces after dad passed away thankfully though she has just got on with things and learned to be more independent. Good luck with your sister, she is just as worried about your mum as you are. Your mum is lucky to have ye

Millie

Great OP, I am delighted that the first step has been made but you will really have to speak to your sister as her backlash is at the back of your head causing you further stress.

Onwards and upwards

whitelightrider

Millie wrote: »

Great OP, I am delighted that the first step has been made but you will really have to speak to your sister as her backlash is at the back of your head causing you further stress.

Onwards and upwards

Thanks Millie. Im looking at the onwards and upwards part. And my mother seems happy. She knows that we're not going to abandon her and I think its a positive step. My sister is just going to have to live with the fact that Mam has decided its time to try and move on.

Deki

I'm delighted OP .

astra2000

Hi well done on the support you have given your mum you and your sister are an example to us all.I think you did the right thing in going along with your mums wishes hard and all as it was for you. maybe ye could stay every second night so it is not too big of a change at once for her. Also just wondering if ye have looked into getting her one of the alarms for the elderly thay wear them on their person and in case of an emergency (if she had a fall and couldnt get to phone for example) press a button and it alerts an operator who will give your mother a call and if she cannot reach her will call the other numbers supplied(yours your sister a neighbour) this might set your sisters mind at rest and yours too .also maybe fitting a house alarm might be an idea too if she doesnt have one best of luck and I think you have the hardest part over, dont let your sisters reaction cloud your judgement it would be worse if she didnt care when she hears what your mother has to say she might be more accepting.

whitelightrider

Hi folks, well I just found out that my sister has taken Mam to her house tonight. She sent a txt saying she refuses to let Mam stay on her own so soon after Dad died. So looks as though Im in the bad books.

uberwolf

I've no context for this advice (mercifully) but your sister is out of line here IMO.

Everyone has their own pace, and neither you or your mother should be bullied. How has your sister dealt with the death of her father? Or is this her coping mechanism?

Deki

I think your sister means well, but I hope your mom will take charge of her own life. Did you say how old your mother is? I must have missed it. I'm thinking your mom has many good years ahead of her. Perhaps your sis
has more of a problem with healing than your mom.
Don't feel bad - you have done nothing wrong. I hope these things work out.

whitelightrider

Deki wrote: »

I think your sister means well, but I hope your mom will take charge of her own life. Did you say how old your mother is? I must have missed it. I'm thinking your mom has many good years ahead of her. Perhaps your sis
has more of a problem with healing than your mom.
Don't feel bad - you have done nothing wrong. I hope these things work out.

Mam is just 63 so has many good years ahead of her.
At this stage Im ready to walk away from this and try to get on with my own life. I dont want this affecting my marriage or my health. My sister has issues with the way Im dealing with this but we have no children so are not "settled" or in a routine. I think this may be frustrating her. I dont know though.

Millie

Your sister shouldn't be guilt tripping you.
Your mother stated she wanted to spend the night on her own and your sister should respect that wish.
Stick with it OP as I can tell you in the long run it will make it harder for your Mother to find herself & independance again.
It is very very hard but sometimes you have to stand back and let the other person find their legs again & your sister has to realise this.

blondie7

whitelightrider wrote: »

Mam is just 63 so has many good years ahead of her.
At this stage Im ready to walk away from this and try to get on with my own life. I dont want this affecting my marriage or my health. My sister has issues with the way Im dealing with this but we have no children so are not "settled" or in a routine. I think this may be frustrating her. I dont know though.

Is your sister married or in a relationship?? Has she got her own kids? If she has a spouse find out how there feeling about this, they may not be best pleased about it either and perhaps they could talk sense into your sister! Also have a chat with your mam and see if she wants to stay with your sister? Maybe she enjoys having the company especially if there are kids. Remember just because she is staying with your sister doesnt mean she wont be independent, im sure she has the run of the house during the day and come and go as she pleases??
Also how does your wife feel about all that is going on??

Bellablue

Hi OP,

My Dad passed away just over 2 years ago at the age of 65. At that time, he and my mother had been married for almost 40 years. She was completely dependent on him for everything. Since he died, she has not spent a night alone.

At first she stayed each night in our house and went back home in the day. (We live very close) She seemed unable to function alone and had no interest in living without my Dad. Early this year she moved in with myself and my husband permanently. Although I was very wary of the idea, I couldn't see any other solution at the time as she still just did not seem ready to live alone. It was my husband who finally convinced me it was the thing to do.

Six months since she moved in and now I am living alone in the house with my mother as my marriage has ended. I've been suffering from depression & anxiety issues for the last couple of years. I only have one sibling who lives abroad, so really I felt the full responsibility for mum lay with me.

I'm not for one moment saying that having my mother stay with us was the cause of all my problems but it certainly didn't make things any easier. What I didn't see in all this that at some point some "tough love" was needed and I should have encouraged her to start trying to gain some independence some time ago. But it was very hard to do that when she seemed so "broken", so I can understand why your sister feels she's doing the right thing.

Your mum is already steps ahead of mine, in that she has expressed that she wants to stay alone. This will be key to her being able to move on with her life in a way that my mum has still not been able to do.

No matter how hard it is, you need to stand your ground on this one. Trust me, if your mum can stand on her own 2 feet it will be the best thing for everyone in the long run.

Bella

whitelightrider

blondie7 wrote: »

Is your sister married or in a relationship?? Has she got her own kids? If she has a spouse find out how there feeling about this, they may not be best pleased about it either and perhaps they could talk sense into your sister! Also have a chat with your mam and see if she wants to stay with your sister? Maybe she enjoys having the company especially if there are kids. Remember just because she is staying with your sister doesnt mean she wont be independent, im sure she has the run of the house during the day and come and go as she pleases??
Also how does your wife feel about all that is going on??

Hi blondie. Yes my sister is married for 4 years, has a little girl and another on the way. Her spouse more or less goes along with things. It just feels like anything Ive done is wrong because it doesnt go along with what my sister says.
My wife is raging over this. Especially the way Ive been treated through this. She thinks its terrible how both Mam and my sister seem to be playing games and talking about myself and my wife behind our backs. We lead very different lives because we dont have a family yet. We have dinner at different times each day because we're both busy. But my sister sends txts saying Mam has to have dinner at x time every day. My mother's not sick and is still young so why do we have to treat her like shes a child!

whitelightrider

Bellablue wrote: »

Hi OP,

My Dad passed away just over 2 years ago at the age of 65. At that time, he and my mother had been married for almost 40 years. She was completely dependent on him for everything. Since he died, she has not spent a night alone.

At first she stayed each night in our house and went back home in the day. (We live very close) She seemed unable to function alone and had no interest in living without my Dad. Early this year she moved in with myself and my husband permanently. Although I was very wary of the idea, I couldn't see any other solution at the time as she still just did not seem ready to live alone. It was my husband who finally convinced me it was the thing to do.

Six months since she moved in and now I am living alone in the house with my mother as my marriage has ended. I've been suffering from depression & anxiety issues for the last couple of years. I only have one sibling who lives abroad, so really I felt the full responsibility for mum lay with me.

I'm not for one moment saying that having my mother stay with us was the cause of all my problems but it certainly didn't make things any easier. What I didn't see in all this that at some point some "tough love" was needed and I should have encouraged her to start trying to gain some independence some time ago. But it was very hard to do that when she seemed so "broken", so I can understand why your sister feels she's doing the right thing.

Your mum is already steps ahead of mine, in that she has expressed that she wants to stay alone. This will be key to her being able to move on with her life in a way that my mum has still not been able to do.

No matter how hard it is, you need to stand your ground on this one. Trust me, if your mum can stand on her own 2 feet it will be the best thing for everyone in the long run.

Bella

Hi Bella,

Im very sorry to hear about your marriage. Its funny because the way things have been panning out over the last few months I could actually see the stress starting to take its toll on my own marriage. More bickering than normal about stupid things. So I know its time to nip this in the bud. I love my mother and would do anything for her. But I cant do anything to help her if she's talking behind my back and allowing my sister to stir things.

blondie7

whitelightrider wrote: »

Hi blondie. Yes my sister is married for 4 years, has a little girl and another on the way. Her spouse more or less goes along with things. It just feels like anything Ive done is wrong because it doesnt go along with what my sister says.
My wife is raging over this. Especially the way Ive been treated through this. She thinks its terrible how both Mam and my sister seem to be playing games and talking about myself and my wife behind our backs. We lead very different lives because we dont have a family yet. We have dinner at different times each day because we're both busy. But my sister sends txts saying Mam has to have dinner at x time every day. My mother's not sick and is still young so why do we have to treat her like shes a child!

Maybe you should talk to him then and see how he really feels about this! He may be able to talk to your sister and get your mum back home. Is she still living with them? Your right your mum isnt sick and is still so young, if she were maybe 15 - 20 years older id agree with your sister taking her to live with her as your mum would be very fragile, but at 60 she has so much life left in her. I see my own mother has now started to join social groups and meeting old friends for coffee and lunch and such things she wasnt able to do for a long time cos she was looking after my dad. You say your mum and sister are playing games, how exactly?? As for your wife just communicate with her and tell her how your feeling and ye will get through anything as ive learned recently from my own relationship.

Deki

No matter how much your mom loved your Dad and no matter how much she loves you and your sister she (all of us) need interaction with people not so close to us. Without that we stagnate and lose our self worth, Has she any friends? Enlist their help if you can to get her back in the swing of things, Perhaps there is a senior group exercise class or walking group, Exercise really does help in dealing with stress, After six months the shock should be over now we need acceptance. I'm with your wife, and I want to shake your sister -a little How frustrating it must be.

K_P

OP,

You, your sister and your mother need to meet and decide what's best for everyone. With everyone hearing different things at different times, it's bound to cause confusion. Let your mother decide what she wants to do and let you and your sister deal with that, whatever it may be. She might be happy cutting down on the number of nights she's staying with ye (as she said to you) but still needs some support (hence, staying with your sister still).

I lost my father in January and there's no doubt these last 6 months have been hard. My mother's still a young woman, she's only 60, but was very dependent on my father. For the first few months she stayed with me quite a bit (we live about 4 hours apart so when she'd visit she'd stay for a week or 2 at a time), with my brother at weekends and would stay with her sister some nights. She might have only spent 1 night a week on her own, and even then she'd have visitors. But in the last 6 weeks or so there's been a definite change in her. She looks better, she's talking much more positively, she's decided to do her driver theory test and get driving lessons after decades of not driving. And crucially, she's not so dependent on people anymore. Spending the night by herself isn't such a depressing idea now.

There's no time limits on grief, but your mother has been quite forthright in saying she wanted to spend a night on her own. The fact she had the strength to say that says a lot and your sister should recognise that. Your sister is being over-protective of her, which is natural in the circumstances, and your mother is possibly happy to fall back into the routine of dependancy. So, as I said at the start, you all need to get together and discuss this, with the focus very much being on your mother and what she needs and wants.

whitelightrider

Deki wrote: »

No matter how much your mom loved your Dad and no matter how much she loves you and your sister she (all of us) need interaction with people not so close to us. Without that we stagnate and lose our self worth, Has she any friends? Enlist their help if you can to get her back in the swing of things, Perhaps there is a senior group exercise class or walking group, Exercise really does help in dealing with stress, After six months the shock should be over now we need acceptance. I'm with your wife, and I want to shake your sister -a little How frustrating it must be.

Its very frustrating and I feel like shaking her too!!

whitelightrider

K_P wrote: »

OP,

You, your sister and your mother need to meet and decide what's best for everyone. With everyone hearing different things at different times, it's bound to cause confusion. Let your mother decide what she wants to do and let you and your sister deal with that, whatever it may be. She might be happy cutting down on the number of nights she's staying with ye (as she said to you) but still needs some support (hence, staying with your sister still).

I lost my father in January and there's no doubt these last 6 months have been hard. My mother's still a young woman, she's only 60, but was very dependent on my father. For the first few months she stayed with me quite a bit (we live about 4 hours apart so when she'd visit she'd stay for a week or 2 at a time), with my brother at weekends and would stay with her sister some nights. She might have only spent 1 night a week on her own, and even then she'd have visitors. But in the last 6 weeks or so there's been a definite change in her. She looks better, she's talking much more positively, she's decided to do her driver theory test and get driving lessons after decades of not driving. And crucially, she's not so dependent on people anymore. Spending the night by herself isn't such a depressing idea now.

There's no time limits on grief, but your mother has been quite forthright in saying she wanted to spend a night on her own. The fact she had the strength to say that says a lot and your sister should recognise that. Your sister is being over-protective of her, which is natural in the circumstances, and your mother is possibly happy to fall back into the routine of dependancy. So, as I said at the start, you all need to get together and discuss this, with the focus very much being on your mother and what she needs and wants.

I agree. The only issue I have is that I did this before and was bullied into submission by my sister. I know if we have the conversation again that she will tell me how fragile Mam is and that she's not ready and its too soon. Now Ive never lost a partner of 40 years so I have no idea what Mam is going through. But she is stronger than my sister thinks. My sister is being over protective and she does need to step back a bit. We need to focus on what Mam wants, not what my sister thinks.

K_P

whitelightrider wrote: »

I agree. The only issue I have is that I did this before and was bullied into submission by my sister. I know if we have the conversation again that she will tell me how fragile Mam is and that she's not ready and its too soon. Now Ive never lost a partner of 40 years so I have no idea what Mam is going through. But she is stronger than my sister thinks. My sister is being over protective and she does need to step back a bit. We need to focus on what Mam wants, not what my sister thinks.

That does sound very frustrating all right. That's why your mother should be there when you have this conversation, so she can explain what she meant by saying she was ready to spend a night alone. There's every chance she'll back down if your sister is being forceful about this, but I still think it's a conversation ye all need to have. Best of luck.

blondie7

Hey OP just wondering how you and your mam are getting on? I hope things have improved a little.

whitelightrider

blondie7 wrote: »

Hey OP just wondering how you and your mam are getting on? I hope things have improved a little.

Hey there. Apologies for not getting on sooner but its been a very strange and hard few months. There was a major blowout about 3 weeks back with my wife and I being the target of some pretty hurtful things. I know my sister was just lashing out but it has left us wondering whether my mother or my sister has been lying to us. Anyway its getting sorted but there is a trust issue there and my wife and I have decided that while we will be there for my mother no matter what, that we also have a life to lead and my mother has one too. Since that night my mother has been sleeping on her own alot. To say that I am incredibly proud of her would be a serious understatement. She is amazingly strong and I am so very proud.

Deki

Sometimes it takes a "blow up" to relieve the stress. You can not make others see or understand. You can only make sure you are honest with everyone. Try to understand the turmoil inside others. If you can forget the hurtful words it would be wonderful, but that is hard to do, forgiveness is sometimes all week can muster.
Parents are usually stronger than their children think- they raised us didn't they? I am glad everyone is trying and with time I'm sure everything will be mended. Best wishes to all of you. Hugs to your sister - it is hard to lose a parent but it is nearly unbearable for a daughter to lose her Daddy. When It happens you feel so unprotected and lonely. NO matter how old you are the world just seems like such a scary place. Just be good to each other.