Is it too soon?

whitelightrider

Deki wrote: »

No matter how much your mom loved your Dad and no matter how much she loves you and your sister she (all of us) need interaction with people not so close to us. Without that we stagnate and lose our self worth, Has she any friends? Enlist their help if you can to get her back in the swing of things, Perhaps there is a senior group exercise class or walking group, Exercise really does help in dealing with stress, After six months the shock should be over now we need acceptance. I'm with your wife, and I want to shake your sister -a little How frustrating it must be.

Its very frustrating and I feel like shaking her too!!

whitelightrider

K_P wrote: »

OP,

You, your sister and your mother need to meet and decide what's best for everyone. With everyone hearing different things at different times, it's bound to cause confusion. Let your mother decide what she wants to do and let you and your sister deal with that, whatever it may be. She might be happy cutting down on the number of nights she's staying with ye (as she said to you) but still needs some support (hence, staying with your sister still).

I lost my father in January and there's no doubt these last 6 months have been hard. My mother's still a young woman, she's only 60, but was very dependent on my father. For the first few months she stayed with me quite a bit (we live about 4 hours apart so when she'd visit she'd stay for a week or 2 at a time), with my brother at weekends and would stay with her sister some nights. She might have only spent 1 night a week on her own, and even then she'd have visitors. But in the last 6 weeks or so there's been a definite change in her. She looks better, she's talking much more positively, she's decided to do her driver theory test and get driving lessons after decades of not driving. And crucially, she's not so dependent on people anymore. Spending the night by herself isn't such a depressing idea now.

There's no time limits on grief, but your mother has been quite forthright in saying she wanted to spend a night on her own. The fact she had the strength to say that says a lot and your sister should recognise that. Your sister is being over-protective of her, which is natural in the circumstances, and your mother is possibly happy to fall back into the routine of dependancy. So, as I said at the start, you all need to get together and discuss this, with the focus very much being on your mother and what she needs and wants.

I agree. The only issue I have is that I did this before and was bullied into submission by my sister. I know if we have the conversation again that she will tell me how fragile Mam is and that she's not ready and its too soon. Now Ive never lost a partner of 40 years so I have no idea what Mam is going through. But she is stronger than my sister thinks. My sister is being over protective and she does need to step back a bit. We need to focus on what Mam wants, not what my sister thinks.

K_P

whitelightrider wrote: »

I agree. The only issue I have is that I did this before and was bullied into submission by my sister. I know if we have the conversation again that she will tell me how fragile Mam is and that she's not ready and its too soon. Now Ive never lost a partner of 40 years so I have no idea what Mam is going through. But she is stronger than my sister thinks. My sister is being over protective and she does need to step back a bit. We need to focus on what Mam wants, not what my sister thinks.

That does sound very frustrating all right. That's why your mother should be there when you have this conversation, so she can explain what she meant by saying she was ready to spend a night alone. There's every chance she'll back down if your sister is being forceful about this, but I still think it's a conversation ye all need to have. Best of luck.

blondie7

Hey OP just wondering how you and your mam are getting on? I hope things have improved a little.

whitelightrider

blondie7 wrote: »

Hey OP just wondering how you and your mam are getting on? I hope things have improved a little.

Hey there. Apologies for not getting on sooner but its been a very strange and hard few months. There was a major blowout about 3 weeks back with my wife and I being the target of some pretty hurtful things. I know my sister was just lashing out but it has left us wondering whether my mother or my sister has been lying to us. Anyway its getting sorted but there is a trust issue there and my wife and I have decided that while we will be there for my mother no matter what, that we also have a life to lead and my mother has one too. Since that night my mother has been sleeping on her own alot. To say that I am incredibly proud of her would be a serious understatement. She is amazingly strong and I am so very proud.

Deki

Sometimes it takes a "blow up" to relieve the stress. You can not make others see or understand. You can only make sure you are honest with everyone. Try to understand the turmoil inside others. If you can forget the hurtful words it would be wonderful, but that is hard to do, forgiveness is sometimes all week can muster.
Parents are usually stronger than their children think- they raised us didn't they? I am glad everyone is trying and with time I'm sure everything will be mended. Best wishes to all of you. Hugs to your sister - it is hard to lose a parent but it is nearly unbearable for a daughter to lose her Daddy. When It happens you feel so unprotected and lonely. NO matter how old you are the world just seems like such a scary place. Just be good to each other.