Learning to be a normal person

LegacyUser

I used to love model railways. I was obsessive about it. I never concentrated properly on college, on career, on relationships, on friends, on anything else. I lived my life for getting home as much as possible to build my model railway.

I was bullied in school, and I was always very shy and awkward as a result. I had no confidence, and my mother's answer to that was to stay home indoors, and not be going out near all those nasty bullies. I became tied to home, and created an imaginary world in my model railway that was far better to live in than the real one outside.

I became very good at it, more obsessive about it, and the only few friends I had were other model railway people. I spent nearly twenty years slowly removing myself more and more from the real world. I couldn't relate to other people, didn't know what to say, and always looked and felt 'different.'

Then one day, not quite overnight, but very suddenly, I lost interest in it all. I suddenly woke up, and saw the damage this obsession had wreaked in my life, and began to associate model railways with everything I had done wrong in life. It was a bit like being in a drug induced haze for twenty years, then suddenly waking up and finding yourself in the middle of a desert, with no friends, no job, no life. Not knowing where to turn.

For a year or so now, I have floundered. I don't know what to do. I will never build a model railway again, I feel that deeply. I want to be normal, be accepted, do the things regular people do. Walk into a group of people and be part of them without thinking. But I can't. I have tried. I have spent too long following a narrow and different path, and it just doesn't come natural to blend in with other people. I remain awkward and self conscious, and to be honest, I hate large groups of people, and socialising.

Leaving behind my model railways, I find I have nothing to replace it with. I'm not into sports, I don't drink, I'm not a good talker, I'm not good with girls. I feel like I have been dropped naked into the middle of a city, and I'm lying on the ground, and I don't know how to get up, hide my embarrassment, and become part of it.

I just want to be one of the guys, those same guys I was afraid of for twenty years, guys I was afraid of because they knew how the world worked, and I didn't. I really am starting from scratch, with everything. Catching up on twenty years of life experience. I live alone, I have almost no friends. Where do I begin?

shebango

Missedthetrain wrote: »

I couldn't relate to other people, didn't know what to say, and always looked and felt 'different.'

Well anyone would feel this way if they had cocooned themselves away for so long. You are no different to anyone else in this regard.

It was a bit like being in a drug induced haze for twenty years, then suddenly waking up and finding yourself in the middle of a desert, with no friends, no job, no life. Not knowing where to turn.

For a variety of reasons, this happens to more people than you care to realise.

For a year or so now, I have floundered. I don't know what to do. I will never build a model railway again, I feel that deeply. I want to be normal, be accepted, do the things regular people do. Walk into a group of people and be part of them without thinking. But I can't. I have tried. I have spent too long following a narrow and different path, and it just doesn't come natural to blend in with other people. I remain awkward and self conscious, and to be honest, I hate large groups of people, and socialising.

The model railway isn't the problem here. But you associate it with being isolated and having it as an obsession. You could still do it as a hobby and have a balanced life on top of that.

You are not used to dealing with people so of course you are going to find it difficult. You're not a superhero. Interacting with people is a skill, one which you have not learned yet. So it's not that you can't, it's just that you haven't up until this point. Like, if I don't know how to drive, it's not that I inherently can't. I can learn if I acquire the skill.

Leaving behind my model railways, I find I have nothing to replace it with.

This is very understandable considering it has been your sole focus for so many years.

I'm not into sports, I don't drink,

Nothing wrong with anything here. It's just not your personal preference and that's what makes you unique. So already, you know yourself better than you give credit for.

I'm not a good talker,

With whom? Who says? All of the time? In every single situation? Personally, I think you're coming across as quite articulate in your post. Maybe you're a bit quiet in person but again, so what? Again, it's part of who you are.

I'm not good with girls.

Girls as in every single girl? Or just girls that you've happened to speak to? To label yourself as 'not good' at something will ensure that you never get good at it. Because why would you have to if you're not good at it? Not every girl wants the flashy guy. Some girls like quiet men. You're one of those, aren't you? Think about this.

I feel like I have been dropped naked into the middle of a city, and I'm lying on the ground, and I don't know how to get up, hide my embarrassment, and become part of it.

What is it that has you embarrassed? So, you immersed yourself in an 'obsession' for years and then woke up one day and thought 'this is not for me'. Sorry but I fail to see why you should feel shame or embarrassment. I actually think it's courageous for you to admit that what once served you, no longer works.

I just want to be one of the guys, those same guys I was afraid of for twenty years, guys I was afraid of because they knew how the world worked, and I didn't.

Ah, ye old common misconception. Listen OP, NO-ONE knows what the f*ck is going on half the time. They may look like they do and you know why? - Confidence. That is all. People gain this confidence by achieving but also from failing. Getting to know themselves, finding like minded people to share their world with and doing the things that make life fun and interesting. This is what is missing for you.

I really am starting from scratch, with everything. Catching up on twenty years of life experience. I live alone, I have almost no friends. Where do I begin?

Well yes, you are starting from scratch. But you have a blank canvas to play with here. A completely clean slate. Isn't that exciting?? It is not true or accurate to say that you have no interests. Everyone has interests but you need to find out what yours are. And that means taking up a class, joining a group. And if you don't like something, so what? Drop it, move on and find something new. Eventually you will find things that set your heart on fire and you'll never look back.

May I suggest also going to get some form of counselling? Just to help you make sense of your past, to help weed out the negative thinking and also to help you with your communication skills.

Also, if you're not happy living alone, there are always houseshares. But living alone while you make these changes could be the best thing for you at the moment.

You need to be brave and just take it one step, thought and day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Each person on this earth has something special to give. No one is of any less value than anyone else. I hope you find happiness.x

Fittle

I have to say the last post said it all for me. You can be 'normal' (although you do know, there is no such thing?) but you need to take baby steps.

I'm really replying here OP because I wanted to tell you that I am showing your post to my brother later. He has a 13yr old son, who sounds so similar to you when you were a child. He is shy, introverted, got bullied at school etc. My sister in law (his mother) left her job two years ago to home school him - and she does exactly what you said your mother did to you. She completely protects him from the outside world - to the point where the boy is very happy in his room, playing by himself, watching tv, playing computer games etc. He has no interest in meeting other children, kicking a football etc. They don't even allow him pop down to the shops for bread/milk in case 'johnny down the road' says something nasty to him.

It breaks my heart to see this kid behave the way he does. Of course, he doesn't yet realise that his mother is causing untold damage to him as a 13yr old boy. She thinks she is protecting him. But she is doing him more harm than good.

I'm going to show my brother your post and hope that he realises that their beautiful bright, intelligent, funny, handsome little boy has the world at his feet and if they'd just allow him, he might just make a life for himself, and not realise 20yrs later that his parents are damaging him beyond repair.

OP, your story has definitely inspired me to help change my nephews life.
Each one of us has a story to tell. You've started by telling yours here, and I thank you for it.