Too old for marriage....

LegacyUser

It's not really relationship advice I want, so think this is more a PI.

I grew up with only brothers (I'm female) and even my mam was a bit of a tomboy! I never really had that whole dream that girls do, about getting married and having kids. I guess it was because I was surrounded by men - I was some of my brothers bridesmaids growing up, so I did go to weddings etc, just never really imagined myself in a white dress.
That's not to say that I never wanted to get married.
So I'm in my early 40s now. I've had a few long term relationships but for one reason or another, I'm now single.
And it occured to me today that I might actually be too old to get married. I began to panic, wondering if I'd spend my old-age alone etc. I have a child who's growing up pretty fast and I am already spending evenings/weekends alone as he stays at his mates houses etc.
Am I worrying over nothing?
I feel like I woke up recently and that whole marrying and settling down thing just passed me by. I never really focussed on marriage - and I find myself single in my 40s, which wasn't part of my plan.
Although in hindsight, I didn't have a plan, which could perhaps have been the reason I didn't marry.
Do other people feel like this?
I'm feeling a bit lost.

prinz

An aunt of mine met her husband to be and married him in her 50's. If you want a partner don't let age hold you back. Go out and find that someone you are looking for. Better late than never!

Ickle Magoo

Completely agree with Prinz - I too have an auntie that met and married for the first time in her late 50's, never say never - if that's actually what you want?

LegacyUser

See that's the thing, I actually do want it now!
I always assumed it would happen - always assumed I'd be married by the time I was this age - guess the lesson to be learned is never assume anything.

I don't really feel old. I just look around at friends who've done that whole walking up the aisle thing - I can't imagine it happening to me.
I've tried online dating recently - and have to say I've never met such a shower of socially inept men in my life! I'm sorry if there are some of you here online, but honestly, I met a good few men and they were all the same - all fell in 'love' with me after the first date, constant incessant texting (very few phonecalls tho!), and all of them stayed online chatting up other women, while we were supposedly 'dating'. So I won't be trying that again.

Perhaps it's more that I'm a bit disillusioned now that I've decided I'd like to get married, and decided to date....perhaps online just isn't for me..

Dudess

Why would you be too old? You can get married any time...

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

And it occured to me today that I might actually be too old to get married.

You're not too old to get married, but you're probably too old to have children - that will effect what men would tend settle down with you, as those who will want a family will not and those who already have children will, as they won't want any more.

As a result, if you're one of those types still hoping to find an unblemished partner (never married, no kids from previous relationships, etc) than you're going to find it difficult to find one.

But are you too old to get married? No, absolutely not. But you are probably too old to have it all.

I began to panic, wondering if I'd spend my old-age alone etc.

Statistically as a woman, you will more than likely spend your last few years alone as any husband you might have will have died before you.

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

You're not too old to get married, but you're probably too old to have children - that will effect what men would tend settle down with you, as those who will want a family will not and those who already have children will, as they won't want any more.

As a result, if you're one of those types still hoping to find an unblemished partner (never married, no kids from previous relationships, etc) than you're going to find it difficult to find one.

But are you too old to get married? No, absolutely not. But you are probably too old to have it all.

Statistically as a woman, you will more than likely spend your last few years alone as any husband you might have will have died before you.

Thanks for your...ahem...postivity there!!!!
I have a child and don't want any more anyhow - so that won't be an issue for me. I'd only date men who have kids already to be honest, I figure they get the whole 'kid' thing (me not being able to go out at the drop of a hat etc).
I feel like I already have it all - my child, my own home, good job, car etc etc - I just never really thought about settling down. Someone asked me recently why I never married. And I honestly coudldn't answer her, other than to say, it just never happened for me.
Maybe I mean settling down, rather than getting married...like I said, I'm a bit lost!

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for your...ahem...postivity there!!!!

Just being realistic. This does not mean that it's all doom and gloom, but neither are you going to have the same options open to you of a 25-year old, and you'd be surprised how many people hit their forties still convinced they can have it all, only to realize too late they can't.

I knew a woman about eight years ago who explained to me how she wouldn't 'settle'. Or be with a man who already had kids. Or had been married. Or didn't have a degree. Or was older than her.

She ridiculed online dating. And speed dating. And all these other methods of meeting people that 'desperate settlers' used.

I recently heard that she was shacked up now with a separated, recovering alcoholic, with two kids. Go figure.

I have a child and don't want any more anyhow - so that won't be an issue for me. I'd only date men who have kids already to be honest, I figure they get the whole 'kid' thing (me not being able to go out at the drop of a hat etc).

Probably your best bet / demographic.

I feel like I already have it all - my child, my own home, good job, car etc etc - I just never really thought about settling down. Someone asked me recently why I never married. And I honestly coudldn't answer her, other than to say, it just never happened for me.

But do you really need to be in a relationship? I can understand in terms of starting a family, but as you already have a child and are uninterested in more, I have to ask (not to you, but in general) if you really need a relationship at the end of the day or if it's just one of those things you feel you should have?

sunflower27 wrote: »

Yeah, whatever. You don't just die of old age you know:p

Yeah, but statistically, regardless of what you die of, you're more likely to die younger as a man, thus leaving the woman alone in the last few years.

The Corinthian

sunflower27 wrote: »

For God's sake. If we all lived our lives by statistically what could happen we'd never do anything.

Statistically you are more likely to die in a car crash than a plane, so best not drive....

I find this argument really irrelevant and futile.

It was not given as a reason never to marry or otherwise settle down.

It was in response to the reasoning that one should marry or otherwise settle down so as to avoid being alone in old age, nothing else. If that is your principle or only reason to do so, then statistically it is a really irrelevant and futile one too

Emme

I'm 37 and I can understand where the OP is coming from. I can also see where Corinthian is coming from. He makes some very unpalatable but highly realistic points.

At this stage I feel that the dating/relationship/marriage concept for women over 35 belongs in Santa Claus/Tooth Fairy territory. I'm attractive, I look after myself, but guys have a lot of choice these days and at my age I'm not on the radar of very many men. That's being realistic.

OP, I know it's hard, but try to build your life around different things rather than just focusing on finding a relationship with one special person. Focus on what you can have in life and enjoy it.:)

The Corinthian

Emme wrote: »

At this stage I feel that the dating/relationship/marriage concept for women over 35 belongs in Santa Claus/Tooth Fairy territory. I'm attractive, I look after myself, but guys have a lot of choice these days and at my age I'm not on the radar of very many men. That's being realistic.

I think that is being a bit pessimistic though. At 35 there are still a few opportunities left to meet someone and start an, albeit small, family together, and if the pressure of making babies are not there, then you can get into a long-term or permanent relationship at any stage.

The only problem with the former is that at 35 the clock really is ticking, which leads some couples into rushing into marriages or having 'accidents'. The number of couples who meet at, say, 35, are married at 36 or 37 and desperately pushing out one or two kids by 37 or 38 is incredible - especially given that many of them never had much relationship experience to begin with and know very little about each other by the time they reach the church. I genuinely wonder how many of these marriages will survive after their raison d'etre have grown up and left the roost.

I never thought I would do this, but I am seriously thinking of settling for safe NSA type encounters, more guys seem to be up for that and there's less pressure.

Neither man nor woman can live by bread alone... you also need your crumpet...

I've seen too many of my friends soured by bad experiences, women like me who keep banging away at the dating scene despite negative, sometimes horrific experiences. I'm beginning to think that an occasional rattle that puts a smile on your face for half an hour :rolleyes: is better than a nightmare date that leaves you scowling for a week .

The pressure for men to settle down is much less than for women, partially because we can theoretically have kids well into old age and typically (perhaps culturally) the man will be older than a woman in most couples. Given this, even men have a 'biological clock' of sorts, as we still have to attract a mate young enough to have children - and the older we get, the less likely that becomes (unless you're Sean Connery).

Personally I think the OP is in a good position. The pool of men she can choose from may be smaller (or at least older), but the time pressure is off given she has no desire to breed again. This means she can take her time to meet the right guy - or not - over even the next ten or twenty years, rather than jump on the first mammal with a penis that sticks around longer than 12 hours.

LegacyUser

'I knew a woman about eight years ago who explained to me how she wouldn't 'settle'. Or be with a man who already had kids. Or had been married. Or didn't have a degree. Or was older than her.

She ridiculed online dating. And speed dating. And all these other methods of meeting people that 'desperate settlers' used.'

I am not that woman. And I ridiculed online dating because of my own experiences from it! I'd rather die old with 20 cats than meet another guy online!!!

Anyway,like I said at the start, I do want to 'settle down' now. I'm not desperately looking for a man, far from it. But I realise that time is passing pretty quickly and if I don't actively do something about this now, it might just be too late.

I think this has really hit home for me this summer in particular. My son - who I have been raising alone for a long time now - has become independent of me. I am over the moon for him. He no longer needs me to to anything for him - he's even using public transport. It's great, and I know it's the 'circle of life'. So while I don't yet have 'empty-nest syndrome' (because he hasn't flown away just yet), I certainly have that 'where did MY life go while I was raising this boy syndrome'.....

Emme

The Corinthian wrote: »

Neither man nor woman can live by bread alone... you also need your crumpet...

:D:D

The Corinthian wrote: »

...mammal with a penis that sticks around longer than 12 hours.

Does that include dolphins and whales?:pac:

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

I think this has really hit home for me this summer in particular. My son - who I have been raising alone for a long time now - has become independent of me. I am over the moon for him. He no longer needs me to to anything for him - he's even using public transport. It's great, and I know it's the 'circle of life'. So while I don't yet have 'empty-nest syndrome' (because he hasn't flown away just yet), I certainly have that 'where did MY life go while I was raising this boy syndrome'.....

Hi OP, this is exactly what happened. You were so caught up in raising your son, you never had the need for company.
What you need to do now is figure out what you like doing, treat yourself. Do all those things you never had the time to do. Don't go looking for a man, because it'll only depress you. Meeting someone is beyond your control. What IS in your control however is your life and how you live it. You can choose to spend your forties looking for a man, all the while getting more worried and desperate because you haven't met one. OR you can choose to spend your forties doing the things you like, having great experiences and making great friends.

Maybe you'll meet someone, maybe you won't (as it says in that 'Sunscreen' song!), but if you're doing things you love, you won't be obsessing over meeting someone.

The Corinthian

unregistered wrote: »

I am not that woman. And I ridiculed online dating because of my own experiences from it! I'd rather die old with 20 cats than meet another guy online!!!

I didn't mean to suggest that it was you. Her issue with it was that only pathetic people who are desperate to 'settle' do that. I remember taking offense at this as one of my best friends had found his other half using speed dating.

But I realise that time is passing pretty quickly and if I don't actively do something about this now, it might just be too late.

My point is actually that once the biological clock is out of the way, there is no 'too late', so you shouldn't worry.

Emme wrote: »

Does that include dolphins and whales?:pac:

I find it disturbing that you didn't suggest dogs first.

Sleepy

About two months ago I attended my fathers wedding. He's 54 and a grandfather. I don't think you're too old for marriage in your early 40's.

Beruthiel

IMO, you're never too old!

Bellablue

As a result, if you're one of those types still hoping to find an unblemished partner (never married, no kids from previous relationships, etc) than you're going to find it difficult to find one.

I'm 31 & currently facing into a divorce.....nice to know I'm now considered "damaged goods"! :rolleyes:

OP- to reiterate what some of the other posters have replied, I certainly don't think you're too old to get married. However I also agree that now is the time to get back in touch with who you really are. It's only natural to feel a bit lost since your focus doesn't have to be so much on your son anymore.

Look at it as an opportunity. What do you enjoy? What do you want to do with your life? Yes, it's possible you may not end up getting married. But far better to be single and living a full life which you enjoy than feeling under constant pressure to find a partner.

I know it's such a cliche, but it can't be forced. If it's going to happen, it'll be when you least expect it.

Bella

The Corinthian

Bellablue wrote: »

I'm 31 & currently facing into a divorce.....nice to know I'm now considered "damaged goods"! :rolleyes:

I wasn't suggesting that you or someone getting a divorce is "damaged goods", only that when people look for a mate they tend to seek one that does not have a 'history' and with some people, any 'history' is enough reason to reject them.

metrovelvet

^Correction. People under 30 tend to look for no history. But not all. Some people over thirty might. But not all people.

ABajaninCork

Good Lord! Why on earth would you think it's too late?

Look - I was in the same boat as you. Never really got into the wedding vibe, saw several of my friends marry/shack up, split up. Not for me I thought. Had job, house, car everything I needed and was quite happy being single. Then I met my now hubby and things changed. I got married in my forties for the first time, two of my cousins and several friends got married in their forties too. My husband's aunt didn't marry until she was nearly 60 - I could go on, but see my point?

The mistake you might make is to settle for someone that isn't really you. Take your time, look around, stick to your standards. If you want that relationship, it WILL happen

After all - You want nourishment, not punishment!:D

The Corinthian

metrovelvet wrote: »

^Correction. People under 30 tend to look for no history. But not all. Some people over thirty might. But not all people.

Not quite. I think that everyone would prefer someone with no history, but as you grow older a combination of changing priorities and realism makes this less and less of an issue. You're certainly right about the relationship with age though.

I never meant to suggest anything so draconian as people with 'history' are "damaged goods". However, there are some who view them like that, even well into their thirties - the person I cited was one such example, who would have expressed such opinions when she was around 33.

Ickle Magoo

Or perhaps its more that it's nigh on impossible to find someone that has no history and the older someone gets the more unlikely it gets and the more realistic they are forced to be if they want a relationship at all. There are some real odd-balls that are so insecure the mere mention of a past love life is enough to send them into apoplexy but in my experience such people are, thankfully, very much in the minority.

metrovelvet

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Or perhaps its more that it's nigh on impossible to find someone that has no history and the older someone gets the more unlikely it gets and the more realistic they are forced to be if they want a relationship at all. There are some real odd-balls that are so insecure the mere mention of a past love life is enough to send them into apoplexy but in my experience such people are, thankfully, very much in the minority.

History is the new virginity.

Ickle Magoo

It's not really the new virginity - history is not something that people necessarily actively look for in a partner and if some of the above posts are to be believed, it's still something that is looked down upon in some quarters. However, for the majority, some history is normal. :cool:

metrovelvet

Sorry, I should have said it's the new unvirginity, in the spirit of soiled goods.