Holiday Nightmare....

Busi_Girl08

Look, OP, what do you want us to say? "Oh yeah. Just go! It will be fine! They probably won't make you cook or drive or anything, and you will all be best buds by the end of it"? You know and we know that that is just not going to happen.

True, none of us know your sister, but we do know that this is going to drive you insane, you've even said it yourself in so many words.

You wrote into an advice forum, we all naturally assumed that you were looking for advice.

You can either take our advice, and for once stand up to your overbearing sister (have you ever actually spoken to your sister like that before? How do you know she will react like you think? She may go off on a huff and have a little bitch about you, but you really have done nothing wrong, other than keep tight-lipped too long); OR you can keep chum, go on this "holiday", be a slave to your sister and her SILs, be miserable, and then come back here afterwards and bitch about how your sister continues to be overbearing and selfish.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but criticising our advice we give you, just because you don't think it will work out well, isn't really the best way to go either.

Good luck with whatever you do anyway.

By the way: Just taking off in the car in the morning? Point-blank refusing to cook on the day? Is that really the way to get around this? You have already agreed to all this? All you are going to do is turn yourself into the bad guy.
I think you will find that they will turn on you in this scenario as well.

KnocKnocKnock

unregistered wrote: »

Ok, so I'm passive. Is that wrong?

Nobody here has to deal with the relationship I have with my sister, except for me, so it's really down to me to choose how I deal with this situation. My original post asked if anyone had been through anything similar. I've taken alot of the advice here - just because people offer advice, does not mean it will work with me. None of you know my sister. She is not the type of woman you can 'sit down and talk to'.
I've told you what Im going to do, I'm not going to go along with her idea of the holiday. I'm not going to cook or drive other family around. I'm not going to allow them to stay at my apartment (I've already said this to her today). How I choose to deal with this situation is really down to me. I'm very grateful for all the advice given, but just because I choose not to take it and do exactly what some posters have said, and change the dynamic of a 30 odd year relationship, does not make me passive or pathetic for that matter.

To be honest, the advice you're getting here is that you should be assertive and address things head on with your sister but it seems like you just wanted advice on passive/passive aggressive courses of action like the suggestion that you nod along to the idea of driving them around but then get up at the crack of dawn to make sure you've taken the car for the day before they get up.

As a previous poster said, this will only make you look worse in the long run and may well lead to that confrontation that you're so dreading.

And all the kids will definitely pick up on the tension and bad vibes caused by the passive agression and it will be especially uncomfortable for them. It all sounds like a big mess.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Look, I've said already that I'm going and will be doing my own thing as much as possible.
I am not falling out with my sister over this. You have no idea of the cr*p that will cause in my wider family. My mother will become involved, my brother etc etc.
There is a lesson to be learned in everything, and I won't be asking her to go on holidays again.
I don't know why you're getting annoyed with me bluewolf, unless of course you're coming on the holiday too!!!!

Maybe he/she is since everyone else appears to be ?

I'll survive it. I've survived other, much worse cr*p than this.

My sister is saying all this (about me mucking in etc) but I won't be. I won't be cooking for anyone etc. I'll be up and gone out of the apartment before they're even awake. Like I said, it's all a jealousy thing with her and them (and the rest of the world). I told her myself and my daughter were going to the cinema on saturday - she was planning on bringing her gang the following weekend (toy story 3d). She's only gone and booked the movie a couple of hours before the one I've booked! All so that her kids can say (or she can think) that they saw the movie before my daughter. In fairness, her kids aren't like that at all (yet), but she is.

So your planned relaxing doing nothing just chilling holiday has now changed in one where you have to get up early in order to sneak out of the apartment before the rest of brood get up and ask you to drive them somewhere ?
That will work day 1.
What will you do after the first day when they all start bitching about how you went off and left them.

Why the hell didn't you just say that you were unhappy when she invited herself along at the start ?
Even worse she then invoted her friends along and all you appear to do is tune out.

So they have invited themselves along on YOUR holiday, have gotten YOU to pay some of their accomodation costs, volunteer to be their chauffuer, a cook and probably part time maid and baby sitter to their kids.

unregistered wrote: »

Ok, so I'm passive. Is that wrong?

Nobody here has to deal with the relationship I have with my sister, except for me, so it's really down to me to choose how I deal with this situation. My original post asked if anyone had been through anything similar. I've taken alot of the advice here - just because people offer advice, does not mean it will work with me. None of you know my sister. She is not the type of woman you can 'sit down and talk to'.
I've told you what Im going to do, I'm not going to go along with her idea of the holiday. I'm not going to cook or drive other family around. I'm not going to allow them to stay at my apartment (I've already said this to her today). How I choose to deal with this situation is really down to me. I'm very grateful for all the advice given, but just because I choose not to take it and do exactly what some posters have said, and change the dynamic of a 30 odd year relationship, does not make me passive or pathetic for that matter.

You are passive, in fact you are a walkover.
You come on an internet forum and ask for advice.
When you get very good advice you then proceeed to ignore it claiming people don't know you or your sister and that is basically none of anyone's business.
The dynamic of your relationship with your sister appears to be that she walks all over you, you say nothing but then go off and bitch about it.
Instead of either bitching to your hubby (??) or strangers on the internet tell your sister to sod off.
It will make you feel a lot better in the long run.

katie99

Charge them all!!
They are your sister's in law, not your in-laws.

Stand up for yourself gal.

Tell your sister that the original plan was for you two and your children to go on holidays, NOT her in-laws too.

So, if you want to go ahead with the holiday on the basis you will not get a refund if you back out now, DEMAND they pay you if they want to stay in your apartment. NO FREEBIES.

How come your sister can afford this holiday if she is not working? Ditto her sisters-in-law?

katie99

I forgot. Get the money up front.

DO NOT agree to a rota for cooking. That sounds far too controlling for my liking. It is a holiday you are going on, not a BOOT CAMP outing.

Don't worry about your sister's reaction, she has come up with the idea so be it on her head. END OF.

Oh and remember there is a charge for breakages and damage to apartments. Also remember that there is a fair chance the letting agent will check up on you to ensure there are no extra visitors to the apartments. Your sister and her in-laws could get found out and be thrown out of the apartment.

MmmmmCheese

I actually couldnt read this thread any more after a certain point.

Reading through your posts has made me increasingly annoyed , not at your overpowering sister but at you being a doormat with no backbone. Sorry but if you are willing to allow yourself to be walked over like this then you deserve to be. By the looks of it nothing anyone says here is going to change your mind, you're set on going along with all your sister's plans.

After you paid for this holiday you're allowing your in laws to just take up a room of your apartment, be used as a meal maker and a taxi.

I would advise you to tell your sister and the in laws where to go but many others have said that before and it has proved useless.

Sorry about being harsh, but honestly you baffle me

LegacyUser

It does get annoying when you complain about something that you have the power to change but choose not, instead you choose to just keep complaining because its easier.

And your sister isn't unique or different. Pretty much everyone has people in their lives who would crowd them in some way (time, money, space, energy) if they didn't set boundaries. The difference is that most people set those boundaries (which one can do without being mean) and yes for EVERYONE this means awkward conversations that can lead to hurt feelings and some tension but with a bit of time the relationships often continue just with new boundaries.

It seems that other than you liking to complain a lot you really don't have a problem with this holiday arrangement. And seeing as you haven't spoken up and gone along with it all, is likely that your sister and in-laws think you share their feelings that this is a great arrangement. Deciding once you get there that you are going to be passive aggressive with them or make their stay uncomfortable is actually unfair to them given they have kept you in the plans and you haven't voiced any concerns.

Magenta

unregistered wrote: »

Ok, so I'm passive. Is that wrong?

Nobody here has to deal with the relationship I have with my sister, except for me, so it's really down to me to choose how I deal with this situation. My original post asked if anyone had been through anything similar. I've taken alot of the advice here - just because people offer advice, does not mean it will work with me. None of you know my sister. She is not the type of woman you can 'sit down and talk to'.
I've told you what Im going to do, I'm not going to go along with her idea of the holiday. I'm not going to cook or drive other family around. I'm not going to allow them to stay at my apartment (I've already said this to her today). How I choose to deal with this situation is really down to me. I'm very grateful for all the advice given, but just because I choose not to take it and do exactly what some posters have said, and change the dynamic of a 30 odd year relationship, does not make me passive or pathetic for that matter.

It's funny how you're able to talk like that to strangers when you're hiding behind your computer, but when you are face to face with your own sister, you are spineless and too scared to say a word.

I'm not going to repeat the advice that everyone else has already given you, because I know you will just ignore it and continue to feel sorry for yourself for something that is all your own doing.

SarahSassy

unregistered wrote: »

Ok, so I'm passive. Is that wrong?

Yes because you are not happy being passive and thats why you posted here.

KittyeeTrix

OP......You have no idea how much I'm feeling your pain right now after reading this thread!!! don't worry about some of the vibes you've been getting here.

Myself I have 4 children and my sister has only 1 child. A few years ago I went on holiday with my sister but only took 1 of my children with me. Both of the sisters went with a child each.


Their kids were only 1yr old and 3 yr old whereas my daughter was 10. We would head off to the beach in the morning alone as the sisters preferred to stay by the pool. That was fine by me but they went nuts saying I was ignoring them, even though we would come back from the pool by 1pm and spend the rest of the day with them.

To cut a long story short one of my sisters is an absolute control freak like your sis with an itinerary made up for each day which I didn't want to follow all the week. I just wanted to swim and take walks with my little girl and actually relax........We ended up having an unmerciful row and they ignored me for the rest of the week which was manna from heaven if I'm honest but incredibly hurtful at the same time....

They've asked me away twice since to Trabolgan and Legoland but each time I've said no, I'd never go away with them again.....
I ended up coming home to a 400 euro mobile phone bill as I'd spent so much time on the phone crying and upset to my husband!!

I can understand why you don't want to rock the family boat as I've been there!!

The best thing you can do at this stage is to go on the hols but stress to your sister you will only do x, y and z beforehand and that your not interested in the cooking malarky.......

Then do like I did which is never go away with her again

doireann08

couldn't read this and not post

I have been in a similar situation, in that it was a group of friends ( no kids)

You will have a miserable time if you stew and stress and say nothing. This needs to be addressed BEFORE the holiday as soon as possible

No wonder your sister and her SIL can afford so many holidays if you are footing some of their accommodation costs. Did your sister even offer to contribute to your apartment

You definitely need to ring her. Say you want to meet to discuss the holiday ( don't worry I have come across people like your sister so I DO understand)

a) Tell her you feel bulldozed and that the holiday has completely morphed into something else without your agreement
b) While you have no problem with the SIL coming, you prefer to have your own space so you would prefer that they get their own apartment.
c) You feel uncomfortable with everyone being so dependant on you to be a chauffeur for the holiday. You want the freedom to do what you want nad you don't want to be the "bad guy" when you want to do your own thing, use your own car at the drop of a hat. Therefore to keep everyone happy, they need to look at renting their own car.

If you don't say anything I can can guarantee that you will be made out to the bad guy when you refuse to drive them anywhere, pitch in with cooking as as far as your sister in concerned, you have raised no objections and are happy to go along with it

If you say nothing, you will end up coming back to a sh*tstorm about how YOU ruined their holiday!!!!!! or you will end up having a huge argument their with them and having a crap holiday