Advice for a struggling mom

LegacyUser

Hi

Its my first time posting and i really need some advice please. I have a three year old daughter, shes nearly four, and her dad has always been in and out of her life.

We started mediation a while ago, which i thought was a good sign on his behalf i thought it showed that he was putting an effort in. And in the mediation we agreed that he would have her two days a week, four hours at a time, for one month then we would go back to mediation after the month and see how it went and talk about more access. This was two weeks ago, so we are due back in two weeks time. This was because he hadn't seen her in 7 months and he has a new partner and baby so it was to give her time to get used to everything. And we agreed on €55 a week maintenance.

Today my little girl came home and told me her dad said i wouldnt let her see him more often and that i wasnt a nice person. So i text him and he said yeah he did say that because it was the truth! I told him it was a completely inappropriate thing to say but he doesnt agree.

He also told me today that he wont be giving me money this week and i seen him driving her today with no car seat and he has no licence after being banned two years ago. When he dropped her off i told him he wasnt to be driving her around and he completely denied it, saying i must have been mistaken! This is typical behaviour of his, lying, not paying money and saying things about me to our daughter.

I just dont know what to do about it though - i cant have someone saying stuff like to my daughter about me but i cant stop her seeing her dad and he doesnt think hes doing anything wrong at all, i dont know what i can do?!

And she was just in an awful mood today, she had a huge tantrum hitting and kicking me and telling me she wasnt my friend anymore and she didnt like me, which is so unlike her. I told him that he was messing with her head by saying bad things about me to her and he said that she would find out eventually what im like anyway?!

I absolutely believe she needs a relationship with her dad, but not if its a toxic relationship, right?

Lorri_L

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. Would it be possible to return to mediation earlier than scheduled? Then you could sit and talk through the issues.

smelltheglove

I'd love to give you advice but I can't, I just want to say I sympathise with you, your daughter should not hear negative things about you.

Nevyn

Make a note with time and date of all and any breaches he makes in the agreements and a note of her moods and what she is saying.

See if you can get her counselling of some sort, be it with barnardos or get a reference from you dr for someone so she has someone to talk to about all this and how confused she must be.

Deliverance

Ok in my opinion:

Your daughter is playing up because she is having fun times with dad because he only spends a short time with her. Maybe your daughter does not want to leave the fun environment and plays up to the dad? The Dad being v.inexperienced and possibly insensitive (based on your post) is fobbing her off with the easiest of excuses i.e. 'It is all Moms fault', that is the easiest 'out' emotionally for a weak parent.

Radical suggestion: If the Dad is so concerned about spending less time with his child which he blames on you then would it be a good idea to give him that time? Let's say a month or two whereby he takes her for 3-4days a wk to see what it is like to be a full time single / part time parent.

See how popular 'daddy' will be then once he is emotionally and financially stressed with minding her 24/7 for days at a time. I imagine that your daughter will see what she is missing once she see's dad as stressed as you.

That is just a quick response by the way based on my own experience as a dad with 3-4days access pw. Today I swore 'under my breath' at my child. Kids are emotionally and financially demanding and can wear you down.

Your ex in my opinion needs to learn this to appreciate what is involved. Maybe if he has the child for extended periods he will learn a lesson?

Radical I know but I can only talk from exhausted experience and again I have to sound out some respect to the single parents that have to go through this experience via the idiot dads or in some cases moms that are selfish.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys.

I have spoken to my doctor previously about counselling for her because when he left last year we had issues with her wetting herself all the time but he said she was too young and noone would see her. And actually, yesterday when she came home she had about 6 accidents so i definitely think its connected to her issues with him. I had counselling myself this year and last year to do with all this and my own counsellor advised me that she was too young yet to see anybody. Although i really dont agree.

I love the idea of dropping her down there and letting him look after her full time and see how difficult it can be, but what would that do to her?! She would be so confused.
Plus he lives with his girlfriend and their one year old daughter, so he is a full time parent to anther child, he should have some notion of how difficult it can be. Plus id be so worried about her all the time. I met his girlfriend and child in the shop one day and she completely blanked my daughter so i do worry about how she would be treated when there.

I also rang the mediation office and they advised me that there was nothing they could do, if i wasnt happy with the arrangement then i need to contact a solicitor. I have contacted a solicitor in the past but my ex would never reply to the letters or phone calls and i couldnt afford to keep going with it.

And i have made a note of whats been going on, which my mom told me to do years ago!, but i dont know how effective it will be.

I just dont know what to do, hes supposed to be seeing her tomorrow - my gut tells me to just cut all contact and let her see him when shes old enough to not be manipulated whereas my head tells me thats not right.

metrovelvet

Why does your head tell you that's not right?

Makes sense. He's put her life in danger by not putting her in a carseat. Its obviously stressing her with the accidents and tantrums. And he's trying to manipulate her. And that's only the stuff you know about.

Nevyn

If he is such a negative impact on her and you think he only wants access due to the new child and his current partner wanting him to be a real dad and make his mistakes on her rather then the new baby then you have to try and balance what is best for her.

Even if that is to delay his access until there it a better agreeement/court order.

Personally the return to bed wetting for me would be a huge red flag.

sc2114

Hey sorry to hear about that situation. My advice would definetely not to cut contact with the dad unless your daughter is saying she doesn't want to see him anymore. In mediation I would talk through with him the rules you have to ensure the safety of your daughter i.e car seats etc. If she mentions what he says about you again, I would explain that you love her very much and sometimes adults aren't very grown up when they are angry and say things they shouldn't, and she shouldn't be worrying. I would avoid giving out about him to her though cos then you would be as bad as he is and you would only confuse her. Re the wetting the bed, I wouldn't be too concerned about that given she is only 3. It would depend on whether she hadn't been wetting up till they re-established contact and this is what is setting it off again. Its not easy doing it all on your own. She sounds like shes fairly verbal about feelings and if the new girlfriend wasn't being nice I reckon you'd know from your daughter soon enough. Good luck.

Deliverance

Hey OP. from what has been said by yourself and others it looks to me that my idea was wrong exposing the child to more contact with the dad at the moment seems to be a bad idea for the child.

Speaking from experience again... when I split up with my ex she wisely gave me little access to my little one purely based on the idea that a child needs a stable home environment. For a time I had v.ltd access purely based on this idea, I didn't like it but accepted it because I trusted her intentions i.e. she had our daughters stability and mental welfare at heart.

Over time as my daughter grew up in this seperated environment, my access increased due to proven responsible actions by myself.

In my daughters case it has benefited her well emotionally and mentally. The bottom line at the moment is that my daughter is as happy as she can be, she is happy and confident.

Based on this and from what you and others have said I would have to say that your child is better of with a v.ltd access with the dad in this case, possibly a couple of supervised visits on an hourly basis Per week just to at least have the contact kept up, purely for your childs sake.

From a personal standpoint I think that he should be financially responsible as well. Not paying is a disgusting trait in my view. A decent man would pay for his child to have a decent life. After all where would he be if not for his own parents? That is my own personal opinion so take that as you will.

Oh and PS your mom is spot on, record everything, texts, calendar dates effects on the child, financial payments etc. Make that into a routine without thinking about it to much. It will be comforting to have ammunition if things turn nasty.

gaeilgegrinds1

Your situation is rather similar to that of a very good friend of mine. I don't know why but her fella acted the same way. It ended when about 6 years ago we all headed off to a wedding for a weekend, she left her then three year old with him and when we returned they were not at the house. We rang, no answer. About six hours later his mother, who the child did not know, dropped her to the door. She was dirty, stank of smoke and was hyper as hell. All she had eaten was cheap crisps and coke for the day, when my friend complained her ex told her if she was so perfect to do it again. He had gone out boozing with his friends.

Bottom line here, they rarely change. After 5 years of this behaviour, two before baby, three after, she told him to get lost. He jumped at the chance, we've not seen him since. Toug but true, she's engaged to an amazing man now, he's reliable, sensitive and we all love him, her daughter included. I really hope it works but if not, you've many options.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all the advice. I'm always afraid to talk about my situation with strangers as people can have very strong opinions about parenting and single parenting and what they think is best but everyone has been very nice, so thank you.

My ex saw my daughter again last Thursday and it went ok I didnt really speak to him but today he turned up with just an attitude. He started having a go at me at the door being really sarcastic and ignorant because I hadn't got her hair done. But when he dropped her back he just lost the plot with me. He was annoyed because my daughter told him I had spent the weekend with my boyfriend in Dublin while my mom took my daughter to her mobile that she owns beside the beach.

My boyfriend lives in Dublin so I only go up once a month, if I'm lucky, its certainly not a regular thing. And my daughter loves going to my mom's mobile but again its not a regular thing. Plus he knew that I had a boyfriend, I don't understand why that made him so mad.

He started shouting that I was pathetic and a sad case and that i needed to grow up and sort my life out?? He was shouting this in front of my daughter and outside my house where my neighbours could hear. It doesn't make sense to me.

He has a history of drug use and when we were together he was very Jekyll and Hyde because of it and thats what it reminded me of today - there seemed to be no rational reason for him to get so mad.
So I've decided that thats it. I feel I've given him enough chances now, my daughter can see him when she's a bit older i think.

Deliverance:
I loved you post, thank you. Why cant all men be like you?!?!?! I wish with all my heart that my ex could things like that, I wish he could understand that my only priority in life is to make sure my daughter grows up happy and healthy. The only reason I've given him so many chances is for my daughters sake. I dont want to be one of those women who stops their child seeing the dad but I literally cannot put her through this **** anymore.

SerialComplaint

If he is breaking the law by driving while banned (with or without your daughter), report him to the Gardai and let them deal with it.

Deliverance

SerialComplaint wrote: »

If he is breaking the law by driving while banned (with or without your daughter), report him to the Gardai and let them deal with it.

A better option would be to not let that happen in the first place.:rolleyes:

Nevyn

Unfortunatly we can't make the other parent be a responsible adult, which is very stressful when we hand over the child/ren to them.

Deliverance

Thaedydal wrote: »

Unfortunatly we can't make the other parent be a responsible adult, which is very stressful when we hand over the child/ren to them.

True enough Thaedydal, it makes sense in that respect. I never thought about it in that way.

doodlenoodle

Proudmamo...you really should be proud of yourself. At the end of the day you have tried your best.
I do believe a father is an important figure in a child's life, but they are not the ultimate need for a child, there are plenty of well adjusted children that grow up with one parent. Sure the ideal is having a good interaction with both parents, but a child being raised by a child is not a good solution.
Beside, you are as important, if not more, since you are the primary care taker and undermining you might benefit him but not you and certainly not your child. It will just make her feel insecure.

We put so much emphasis in the nuclear family, when the important thing really is having good role models, female and male. Just because a biological father is not doing his job, doesn't mean a grandfather, uncle or friend can't do it.

Take charge of your situation, don't let doubt take hold of you and make you do something you know is right. Just because you cut contact with your child's father now, doesn't mean that you couldn't pick it up later. Don't apologise, make set demands of what you expect of him, set penalties for not following your requirements, and so on (sounds like talking to a toddler, doesn't it).

The best would be to do this in mediation or with another witness (preferably a professional or authority). They will tell you if your demands are unreasonable or not. Mother's can get a bit OTT with what they expect, but if it is within reason your word should be law.

He might be the father, but your are the primary caregiver, and being a biological father doesn't automatically make him a good father. Unfortunately, he seems to need time to grow up and doesn't seem to want to protect your child from the unpleasantness of separation.

Keeping record of things will also help you when you will have to explain to your child why you chose to break contact with her father...and that day will come and you will be held accountable. If you're going that route.

But wishing for a better parent doesn't make it happen, and your child will understand why you wanted to protect her. Remember, you are trying to do what is best for her...not for yourself.