Drunk in the middle of the day.....

LegacyUser

Am I overreacting to be mad and disgusted at my OH being drunk in the middle of the day? It's not like he does it all the time but it's not rare either. He says he works hard for half the week,which he does (3 12 hour shifts on his feet) so he deserves to cut loose the other half and enjoy himself. I understand where he's coming from and have no problem with him meeting his mates for a few (or even a lot which it it always is) of a night. That's grand. It's just that where that would be it then for other people, that's only the start of it with him. He gets drunk that night, then the next morning it's up and back to the pub again for "the cure" without so much as a breakfast or shower or anything. So he's only topping up on the night before and is pissed again even if he only has a few. So then I have to put up with him drunk again for the second time in twelve hours.
This is what happened the other day, I lost the plot coz this has been his routine for a while now and I've just had enough. He was pissed at three in the afternoon which screams "drink problem" to me but he just keeps saying he's entitled to have fun after working so hard. Then he spent the rest of the day and night sleeping it off which I think is such a waste of his day off. Also we have a child to think of too and I really feel it's not appropriate for her to see him drunk in the middle of the day. He just keeps telling me to chill out, that it's not a problem coz it doesn't happen all the time and not everything has to be such a huge drama.
We've been round in circles so much about this I don't even know who's right or wrong anymore. Am I overreacting?

TwoShedsJackson

I don't think you're over-reacting, it's a situation that needs to be addressed. He may work hard but the way you put it in your post it makes it sound like he's using it as an excuse to get pissed, and if he's then missing out on time with you and your daughter by having to sleep it off during the day, then you need to try and sort it out with him.

Wait until he's sober and sit him down and tell him how much it's impacting you and your daughter's lives, and try to get him to moderate the drinking, see how you go from there.

omahaid

Is this a weekly occurrence? If so, then there is definitely a problem. I suppose I could tolerate once or twice a year, but if its regular then I'd perhaps be having a look at al anon or I'd be saying it to my GP and getting advice.

Taltos

Or tell him - fine cut loose as much as you like - I am outta here...

Talk about p1ssing your savings away or scaring the crap out of your partner. We all need to chill but not to the extent of harming your relationships.

LegacyUser

omahaid wrote: »

Is this a weekly occurrence? If so, then there is definitely a problem. I suppose I could tolerate once or twice a year, but if its regular then I'd perhaps be having a look at al anon or I'd be saying it to my GP and getting advice.

Yes it's a regular thing,well not every week or anything but certainly more regular than I think is ok. What is it with guys and this "going for a cure" thing the morning after a big session? His friends are the same. It doesn't cure anything,it just replaces the small few drinks that have left his system during sleep and so he's as pissed as he was at 3am again at 3pm! I didn't know you could say these kinds of things to your GP,how would that help? He'd probably just give me info on AA which is pointless coz OH really doesn't think there's any problem.

We had a long talk about things that day (in the pub!) when he was having his so-called cure and I explained everything to him, my feelings and worries and how it's impacting our family and he really sincerely seemed to understand and agree that it was too much and we both need to compromise on this issue etc etc. I then left to pick up the child feeling very optimistic and relieved that we were finally getting somewhere,dropping him off at the shop on the way and we agreed to meet back home. After I collected her and went home, there was no sign of him until about 45 mins later when he arrived home even worse for wear. He'd gone back to the pub after I left him for one more drink. I'm not overreacting here, that's a drink problem right? He only had one more but that makes it even more inexplicable why he needed it and walked all the way back for it?? And it was the one to turn him from half-cut to fully 100% cut.

The fact he did that as soon as my back was turned totally undermined the good talk we'd had and the progress I'd thought we'd made. But again he doesn't see it as any big deal - his attitude is that when he came out of the shop he felt like one more so he went and had one more, simple as that and I shouldn't read anymore than that into it.
He thinks I totally overanalyse everything and make everything a big deal when in fact it's not. I don't know anymore. To me that behaviour seems pathetic and inappropriate but is he right that I'm watching too much drama on TV and acting it out in real life, turning mountains into molehills labelling him an alcoholic every time he has a few drinks?

I don't think so but i'm second-guessing myself at this stage. I don't want to drive him away by being overly uptight but he's really pushing it isn't he??

LegacyUser

OP I've been guilty in the past of the whole going for the "cure". However this was when I was younger and single or if in a relationship my girlfriend would be with me and only ever happened if say we'd been away with friends, stayed over at a party etc. The "cure" was only ever really an extension of the party or weekend away and would always be all of us together.

It was never a regular thing just because I was off work and never first thing in the morning, and was never actually planned! When your boyfriend goes out the next morning is he on his own or with friends? I'd be a bit more worried if he is happy going to the pub on his own.

My father was an alcoholic, granted your boyfriend doesn't sound as bad as my father was but some of his behaviour rings very familiar bells. The "going for one last drink", "I work hard" excuse. Heard them all growing up plus the whole disappearing act the minute your back is turned.

Your boyfriend is brushing off what is very worrying behaviour. He's not a young single guy any more, he has a partner and a child and he either needs to grow up or and I hope this is not the case, seek help if he has a problem. If it's the latter, or the beginnings of such, sweeping it under the carpet which he seems intent on doing will not make it go away. In all likelihood it will get worse over time, especially if he thinks he's "allowed" to "cut loose".

From my own experience growing up and what you've described above, it does sound like he may have a problem with drink. It just sounds so like a version of my father. OP I think you need to sit him down again (not in the pub) and let him know exactly how concerned you are. If he can't seem to change his behaviour of his own accord refuses to accept that this is no way for a father to act around his partner and child then...well I think you really need to re-evaluate your relationship and whether you're happy with your child seeing their father p*ssed around the house on a regular basis in the middle of the day.

good luck OP.

lazygal

My OH's bro is a fomer alcoholic. He was not out boozing every day but the GP said if alcohol is affecting your life regularly in a negative way, its a serious problem which needs to be addressed.
OP he has a drinking problem. Now, you have a child and presumably you don't want to expose them to this. I would say there is a need to sit down and tell him straight (NOT IN THE PUB) that he has a drinking problem and you will have to cut and run if he does not sort it out. His mates should come a distant second to you and his child, he's not a teenager he's an adult who I would guess is spending a fair amount on drink. I think a shock in terms of you leaving might jolt him into realising how serious this is.

The man has a problem, he needs to go to AA before it gets worse. The notion that he "felt like one more" is an indication that he is addicted and cannot control his drinking. This is a mountain and it is real-life drama, OP, the man is a father and can't act this way when he has serious resposibilities.

Nevyn

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

Welcome to the Al-Anon/Alateen Ireland Information Centre website where you can find out information about Al-anon and Alateen in the Republic of Ireland.

Will Al-Anon respect my confidentiality and anonymity? Yes

Can I belong to Al-Anon if the drinker does not admit to a drinking problem? Yes

Can I belong to Al-Anon if the problem drinker does not live with me? Yes

Will I gain knowledge of the illness of alcoholism? Yes

Will Al-Anon help me to realise that my problem is not unique? Yes

Can Al-Anon be contacted by telephone? Yes

Because of someone else's drinking….

Am I worried?

Am I losing sleep?

Do I feel sorry for myself, inadequate or guilty?

Am I ashamed of my situation?

Do I ever feel embarrassed by the drinker's behaviour?

Do I make excuses for the drinker and take on their responsibilities?

Am I tired, nervous, depressed?

Am I short-tempered and frustrated at times?

Do I ever feel desperate and alone?

If you can answer YES to some of these questions then Al-Anon may be able to help you.

If you are posting here worried that you are over racting then your compas has been effected, living with him and his behaviour has got you second guessing yourself.

I sugest you have a look and see if there is an Al Anon meeting near you.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/meetings.htm

Beruthiel

AmIaDramaQueen wrote: »

He was pissed at three in the afternoon which screams "drink problem" to me but he just keeps saying he's entitled to have fun after working so hard. Then he spent the rest of the day and night sleeping it off which I think is such a waste of his day off. Also we have a child to think of too

Where is your child when he's drunk @ 3pm?

He has a problem imo. No harm going for a few in the evening, but at 3pm, he should be well able to find something else to do with his time.

Blackdrag

@omahaid:
Is this a weekly occurrence? If so, then there is definitely a problem. I suppose I could tolerate once or twice a year, but if its regular then I'd perhaps be having a look at al anon or I'd be saying it to my GP and getting advice.

I drink on a nightly basis do i have a problem? lol no i do it I’m moderation (0-3 a night) . And i work 5/6 12hour shifts a week...

I would agree that you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your fellow, ask him to see some one about it or simply ask him to consider the feelings of yourself and you child.

But simply working 3 12hour shifts a week does not merit getting drunk in the afternoon around your child.

Anyways Good Luck

LegacyUser

Where's the time for you two as a couple? If he's either working or boozing, then you don't appear to have much of a relationship going on at the moment.

Blackdrag

Agreed.

R.D. aka MR.D

This will/is affecting your daughter so sort it now.

Talk to him when he is 100% sober and look into the al anon stuff and also research the affect that alcoholism has on children and explain this to him.

The most important thing here is your daughter's well being.

best of luck.

omahaid

Blackdrag wrote: »

@omahaid:
Is this a weekly occurrence? If so, then there is definitely a problem. I suppose I could tolerate once or twice a year, but if its regular then I'd perhaps be having a look at al anon or I'd be saying it to my GP and getting advice.

I drink on a nightly basis do i have a problem? lol no i do it I’m moderation (0-3 a night) . And i work 5/6 12hour shifts a week...

I'm confused, how do you think this is related to the OP's problem? She has said he goes first thing in the morning. Do you really equate that to having 0-3 drinks at night?

And I'm confused as to how you say you drink on a nightly basis but also say it is 0-3 drinks. 0 means that you didn't drink that night so therefore you don't drink on a nightly basis.

tenchi-fan

3 12 hours shifts is a full week so he's entitled to a few drinks.
Now, if a student went for "the cure" during rag week I wouldn't worry too much.
It's different for someone with a child though. He should have more sense. It's not a good example and it's a huge waste of money.. it's also the start of a very slippery slope.

Blackdrag

Sorry about that omahaid, the 0 should have been a 1 lol and that was more of a laugh at that comment lol. was just the "once or twice a year" comment that made me laugh. ^^ no reference to the problem just a personal note. [IMG]file:///C:/Users/BLACKD%7E1/AppData/Local/Temp/msohtmlclip1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]

But serious, drinking in the morning to top up does merit a talk and he needs to pull his socks up. But i wouldn’t say he has a drinking problem. If he’s drinking at work or can’t go without a drink for more than a day then that’s a problem.

Just ask him to consider is family a bit more.