Thinking of killing myself

LegacyUser

I don't know what i should write here. I have a job thats not great, horrible hours, a very bitchy colleague who makes life difficult at work, i have a poor relationship with my family. I had a baby outside of marriage(was engaged to the father but he cheated on me and then walked out whwn i told him i wouldn't accept it) and my family, particularly my mother, has never forgiven me for it. They constantly try to control my life as from my mistakes i've shown myself up to be too irresponsible to take care of myself. I am told what a slut / tramp / horrible person / stress for everyone i am every day. My family are very good to my daughter though. Anytime something goes wrong i am blamed, theres no clean cutlery, oh you've taken them all to your room, and its huge abuse for this, the esb / heating bill is high, its me apparently because no one else in the house would ever turn on the heat or a tv or have a hot shower etc. Something is in a mess, i've to tidy it up, if i don't tidy it up it will get left there permanently and anytime someone is in the house my family make a big show of how 'filthy' i am and how difficult their lives are because of me. I tried to tell my mother that i'm very depressed and thinking of suicide but all she said was i'm so selfish and do i have any idea how much stress i put on hers and everyones lives and how horrible i am to live with and what a horrible person i am etc.


I went to a doctor who referred me to an a&e. I waited for 10 hours with nothing to eat or water and afraid to use bathroom in case i was missed before i was seen. When i was seen i was told to go to a counselling service run by a charity and that they would call me and i should have a psychiatrist appointment sent out. Never heard anything. Went to a counselling service myself and was just talked to like small talk with a stranger at a bus stop, nothing about suicide or preventing it or addressing it even though i told them thats why i was there.

My boyfriend is i think dumping me. He convinced me to have an abortion from an unplanned pregnancy, i didn't agree with it but i couldn't handle another baby and my bf is the only good thing and my child in my life. I'm head over heels in love with him and i thought he was the same but now i'm not so sure. I have a horrible feeling now from his behaviour that he used my love for him and lied to mme about his love and desires for our future life just to get rid of our baby. When i came back from britain he said he would be waiting for me in arrivals, he wasn't. He texted me saying his parents were on at him to do something so he was going to do that. Since then he has said he is busy at work, has only sent about 5 texts a day and hasn't called. He has said he doesn' believe me that i did it and i feel he is just making something up to dump me over now that the baby is gone.

I'm feeling really devastated and really alone. I'm in a lot of pain, physical and emotional. I don't know what to do as i can't discuss this with anyone. I feel i've lost so much and i'm so angry at myself for the decisions i've made and not being able to be a stronger person. I don't just feel i have nothing to get up to anymore i feel that its impossible to keep getting up. and more getting up is more days of this overwhelming pain and loss. I'm crying for hours each day and i am so drawn to suicide, its become a comfort or security blanket, i know once i have it it will all be better. I've thought through the ways i could do it and i know what i would do, now i've moved on to times and dates and trying to tidy up all the loose ends in my life. I don't know what i should do, if anything, i'm not sure if i have decided to do this but i'ms trongly thinking about it. I hate myself and my life and the more i live the more wrong i will do. My child is wonderful and i don't want the poison of me in their lives .

I'm sorry i don't know why i wrote this it just seemed like a good idea

Victor

Hi

First off some links.

Depression / Mental Health

http://www.irish-counselling.ie/

http://www.dublinsamaritans.ie/ Phone : 1850 60 90 90 open 24hrs, 365 days Email: jo@samaritans.org

http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/

http://www.grow.ie/

http://www.aware.ie/

http://www.shineonline.ie/

http://www.recover.ie/ (Schizophrenia Ireland)



Suicide

http://www.nosp.ie/

1Life Suicide Prevention Helpline - 1800 247 100

I'm sorry to hear you have so many problems to deal with, it sounds really rough. I've had problems, but I don't see suicide as a solution. However, what I have found useful is talking to people. You seem to have tried, but sometimes they don't listen.

Can I ask you to contact some of the groups above and see if you can get to talk to someone? And go back to your GP and tell him what you've said above and that you have difficulty being heard.

Personal Issues isn't the best place for issues like this, we're not set up for it, so I'll be closing this thread, however, feel free to post again to use it as a vent or a place to get information.

If you are alone and just really think you can't fight the urge anymore, then walk/get a taxi, or even phone your local Garda station. I myself walked into a Garda station on two occasions because I didn't trust myself not to do harm to myself. They will, or should, arrange for you to be assessed by a doctor who will then know how to best help you. Don't be afraid to contact the gaurds or go into the station, they are trained to deal with suicidal people and in my experience they are incredibly sympathetic andvery helpful. And not even slightly condescending.

You have been given contacts for other agencies to help you n the short or long term here. You should definitely visit a GP, tell them about your feelings, you should be referred top of the list to see a specialist. But yes, that is just "might happen". I know the HSE is in crisis. I was referred to a specialist by my GP and the waiting list is 10 months. But they informed me there at the clinic that I could always get a GP referral to the acute unit at the psychiatric hospital if the need was urgent.

All I can say to you is try to ride out the suicidal urges. I do it frequently myself. Things DO look a bit better in the morning. And if they DON'T, then please seek help from any of the avenues you've been given on here.

Please take care OP. From someone who suffers from suicidal urges to another - there is a better way. You don't have to give up.