Missed out on teenage years

LegacyUser

My problem is I feel like I missed out on my teenage years/ didn't rebel, didn't experiment sexually and from time to time feel quite low about this.

Quick Background - From country village originally, grew up in old fashioned catholic home, no public transport where I was, wasn't allowed to go to the village to socialise (nothing to do but hang around a shop/ go up to GAA pitch at the time so parents knew nothing productive could come from it, also was eldest so possibly over-protective.) Cruised through school, wasn't picked on (as luckily I was quite tall and could handle myself) but was resented for being smart. Was never really challenged until college and only started to get a nice group of friends/ come out of my shell in transition year.

I had a couple of girlfriends but never progressed past kissing/ a few dates. I had it drilled into me that sex was against God, that I'd go to hell, that I'd get her pregnant etc. Anyway I went through college, met a (still very good) friend who challenged me in my beliefs and I came to the conclusion that there is no man in the sky, that I was ashamed for nothing and that I lost a very important part of my life.

Anyway I'm 26 now and moved up to Dublin for the last few years, I lost my virginity at 24 to a 19 year old, we did experiment a little (nothing major) as we were both each other's first and we stayed together 8 months. Anyway we had problems and eventually I broke up with her. (not a smooth breakup by any means). I'm now with a great woman my age (she's the one, I'm convinced of it.), we're living together and been going out a year and I will pop the question in due time.

Anyway, She bought me one of those "tell the other all about yourself/ no holds barred" books as a present. Couple of questions brought my feelings back up. "have you ever had sex in a public place?" she had on a sports field at night when she was 18. Also she told me was a bit of a livewire in her teens and she lost her virginity at 16. when we first went out she wanted to know my number and I said 1 so was honest, she said she'd tell me hers but was uncomfortable (as I had only 1) so I said there was no need for me to know.

As far as she knows I wasn't sexually active because I hadn't met the right one (partially true - I hadn't really met anyone!) and I'd be loathe to tell her all about the god thing in case I look crazy (I feel like such a fool for believing that for so long). She is a "go to mass at christmas" christian and has no problem with the sex before marriage thing so she might understand, but I don't want to look any less like a man in her eyes.

I've never had sex in a public place/ tried other stuff I want to do and she's done all her experimenting so when I suggest stuff she doesn't go for it. (I don't blame her when she doesn't know how I feel)
I'm completely different now to how I was when I was 15/16, confident, happy etc. but hate that I missed out on such an important part of life. My 17 year old brother is there now and I know he's in the same boat, I just want to say, look live life now, get out there/ socialise!! you'll regret not living your life in your teens when you're older.

OP, I'm the same. It wasn't even my fault, I would have loved to have the typical teenage life but my parents moved to rural NI where I didn't fit in, hated it and lived in the middle of nowhere so couldn't ever go anywhere or do anything. I'm still suffering the effects of that, people were quite harsh when I was 18/19 that I wasn't confident enough or whatever, but it's hard to be when you've spent your life from 11 to 18 holed up in a house on your own! I do feel resentful of my boyfriend sometimes when he talks about going to the Gaeltacht and hanging around with friends and all the stuff I never got to do. But at the end of the day, I can't change it. I try my best to be positive about it and focus on the fact I did well at school which means I have options now, and I didn't get into any serious bother like getting pregnant. I'm not going to lie and say it's fair or that it didn't bother me, but worrying about it is only going to make me feel worse. You're still young, go off and do that crazy stuff now. Try to explain to the gf how you feel and she might be more up for doing things.

vicecreamsundae

you have nothing to be ashamed of OP, just be honest -about having a boring teenage experience, about having all this catholic guilt and then how you overcame it all.
she obviously likes you, and is probably interested in your backstory, maybe she will like the challenge of helping you catch up with all the fun you could have been having [even outdoors :P]

LegacyUser

OP tell your girlfriend. If she's the one, then you should tell her this. It won't make you less of a man. Most people have some experience or know of the Catholic guilt thing.

You may regret your past but if you had been playing the field, you could have easily gotten some girl pregnant, caught some nasty STD, maybe treated girls like crap in general. And you could be here today writing a post about how you are ashamed of your sordid teenage years?
The past and all our experiences make us who we are today.

I missed out on the whole teenage thing too. I was bullied in school so was very withdrawn. I never had kisses or boyfriends or holding hands or anything like that. My first experience with the opposite sex was 2nd year in college. I often wished I could have had the innocent first love because after a certain age, relationships are all sex focused. But I didn't and ihave to get on with it. Loads of people missed out on something: terrible childhood, terrible teenage years, no money, no friends, no sex, etc.
But also when I look back a lot of the girls that I hung out with later got pregnant as teenagers and I could easily have ended up in the same boat. They had to grow up fairly quickly while I enjoyed a life with no ties.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies. I suppose I should tell her I fell like I missed out, I could just say that where I grew up I never got any opportunity to experiment or whatever and that I regret it/

Would be better if I didn't feel so embarrassed about the whole thing, I dunno.

Zen65

missed_out wrote: »

I suppose I should tell her I fell like I missed out, I could just say that where I grew up I never got any opportunity to experiment or whatever and that I regret it/

If you do tell her (and I agree you should) be careful how you say it, so she does not think you want to experiment with other women, unless that is what you want?


Be at peace,

Z

PS: Those teenage years, the experimentation and all,.....it's over-rated IMO.

LegacyUser

Zen65 - V good point! No, I don't want any more women, just to do some of what I missed with her.

I'll probably tell her later on and see what she says. gulp.

skooterblue

Hey OP,
Dont sweat it. Know where you are coming from. Honestly you are better off living in the dark for a few years rather than geting some teenage girl pregnant , paying child support, not being a proper dad when you split up and having to duble check your diaries between custody and your new girlfriend. Life is complex enough why have more.

I saw it happen to some of my friends and I never met younger men than me be so bitter about the above subject. They complain about not see then when they do they are fighting with the ex's. They complain about paying child support, they complain , they complain they complain.

You are better off waiting until you are older rather than to hitched to Vicki Pollards irish counter part for life.

StillWaters

OP, your rural, religious sheltered upbringing isn't that unusual or freakish even in this day and age. It is only really a problem if it results in a closed minded cloistered adult, which it hasn't in your case.

[quote=[Deleted User];67085595]OP, I'm the same. It wasn't even my fault, I would have loved to have the typical teenage life but my parents moved to rural NI where I didn't fit in, hated it and lived in the middle of nowhere so couldn't ever go anywhere or do anything. I'm still suffering the effects of that, people were quite harsh when I was 18/19 that I wasn't confident enough or whatever, but it's hard to be when you've spent your life from 11 to 18 holed up in a house on your own! I do feel resentful of my boyfriend sometimes when he talks about going to the Gaeltacht and hanging around with friends and all the stuff I never got to do. But at the end of the day, I can't change it. I try my best to be positive about it and focus on the fact I did well at school which means I have options now, and I didn't get into any serious bother like getting pregnant. I'm not going to lie and say it's fair or that it didn't bother me, but worrying about it is only going to make me feel worse. You're still young, go off and do that crazy stuff now. Try to explain to the gf how you feel and she might be more up for doing things.[/QUOTE]
Just wanted to let it out there that your story is almost exactly the same as mine. My parents moved to rural Kerry and I was there from 11 to 22.

irishh_bob

missed_out wrote: »

My problem is I feel like I missed out on my teenage years/ didn't rebel, didn't experiment sexually and from time to time feel quite low about this.

Quick Background - From country village originally, grew up in old fashioned catholic home, no public transport where I was, wasn't allowed to go to the village to socialise (nothing to do but hang around a shop/ go up to GAA pitch at the time so parents knew nothing productive could come from it, also was eldest so possibly over-protective.) Cruised through school, wasn't picked on (as luckily I was quite tall and could handle myself) but was resented for being smart. Was never really challenged until college and only started to get a nice group of friends/ come out of my shell in transition year.

I had a couple of girlfriends but never progressed past kissing/ a few dates. I had it drilled into me that sex was against God, that I'd go to hell, that I'd get her pregnant etc. Anyway I went through college, met a (still very good) friend who challenged me in my beliefs and I came to the conclusion that there is no man in the sky, that I was ashamed for nothing and that I lost a very important part of my life.

Anyway I'm 26 now and moved up to Dublin for the last few years, I lost my virginity at 24 to a 19 year old, we did experiment a little (nothing major) as we were both each other's first and we stayed together 8 months. Anyway we had problems and eventually I broke up with her. (not a smooth breakup by any means). I'm now with a great woman my age (she's the one, I'm convinced of it.), we're living together and been going out a year and I will pop the question in due time.

Anyway, She bought me one of those "tell the other all about yourself/ no holds barred" books as a present. Couple of questions brought my feelings back up. "have you ever had sex in a public place?" she had on a sports field at night when she was 18. Also she told me was a bit of a livewire in her teens and she lost her virginity at 16. when we first went out she wanted to know my number and I said 1 so was honest, she said she'd tell me hers but was uncomfortable (as I had only 1) so I said there was no need for me to know.

As far as she knows I wasn't sexually active because I hadn't met the right one (partially true - I hadn't really met anyone!) and I'd be loathe to tell her all about the god thing in case I look crazy (I feel like such a fool for believing that for so long). She is a "go to mass at christmas" christian and has no problem with the sex before marriage thing so she might understand, but I don't want to look any less like a man in her eyes.

I've never had sex in a public place/ tried other stuff I want to do and she's done all her experimenting so when I suggest stuff she doesn't go for it. (I don't blame her when she doesn't know how I feel)
I'm completely different now to how I was when I was 15/16, confident, happy etc. but hate that I missed out on such an important part of life. My 17 year old brother is there now and I know he's in the same boat, I just want to say, look live life now, get out there/ socialise!! you'll regret not living your life in your teens when you're older.

if thats the extent of your regrets that you my friend have led a pretty charmed life so far , so what if you werent overly wild during your teenage years , your still only 26 and its not like your still a friendless virgin , you,ve little to complain about

Miss Fluff

If she is "the one" then you should be able to discuss this with her freely. You are actually carrying around some of your old-school repression by not sharing this with her so break the mould once and for all and liberate yourself by telling her how you feel.

prinz

OP, your post is confusing. What is it you regret? Not having sex in a public place? Not socialising? Seriously what have you missed? What do you mean by experimenting?

Eveyrone has different experiences. Life is not about ticking the same boxes as everyone else. There are other people who missed out on college - you didn't, etc etc etc.

I lived close to a town. I socialised. I never had sex in a public place, woe is me. Perhaps you could clarify exactly what it is you feel you missed out on because it seems all you are concerned about is not socialising but how many notches you got on your bedpost/how many stupid quizzes you have taken in Nuts/Zoo/FHM. There's more to enjoying life, especially your teen years, than sex tbh.

Your OH's life experiences differ to yours. What of it? Yours differ to someone else's and so on. Why should she relive what she has done? There are things I have done in the past that I would never do again. Yes I can tick the box and say, at the time I enjoyed it, did this or that, but I have no interest whatsoever in doing it again. Perhaps your OH feels the same. You cannot relive the past, only enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

LegacyUser

Listen, most people have quiet teenage years. TV, friends, school, cinema.....

Yes, there will be some who are sleeping with their peers but I don't think it's the norm. There are those who experiment but it's a minority.

I think we all look back with a certain amount of regret and "if onlys"...

You can't alter the past so stop dwelling on it - think about what you can do with yourself now