who instigates it!!

Question for the ladies with another half...

I guess I should say that he works very hard. Physical labour. Gone at 6am, home around 4pm. Then on the internet till bedtime. But I am not getting enough!! I'm really not! And I'm just waiting for the day that he will roll over and try it on with me, instead of lying on his back blankly staring at the ceiling while I try it on with him!

He is working too many hours, too many days a week, he is tired. Plus, I am ten years younger than him. I'm just hitting my sexual prime and he's long forgotten his.

Just a question though, who usually instigates the sex in your relationship?? Defionitely me, every time, in mine.

Fago!

Most people think it would be the man who does, but in my opinion and experience it's roughly 50-50.

He works all the time, and it's understandable he's tired, but a relationship without sex is eventually going to fail. A few people might say "Oh no but if two people love each other sex shouldn't matter blah de fuuckin blah" <--- BULL-PLOP!

You should talk to him about it. Tell him you have needs. Better than saying nothing aye.

princess-lala

Lala is a female and always starts sexual experiences with the mens in her life

I work very hard - my job is never ending - when I'm finished my work day I start my books and what not. It leaves me drained but theres one thing that can take me away from the business

girlyhappyface

Probably 50/50 in my relationship too. I'm the one with the stressful job and long hours but nothing makes me feel unwound like some good lovin'!!!

I'd prescribe that to your bloke for stress

krudler

I've never understood the "im tired" thing, I dont care how tired I am, that perks me right up

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Ickle Magoo

krudler wrote: »

I've never understood the "im tired" thing, I dont care how tired I am, that perks me right up

Same...

I'm not sure one or other of us deliberately instigates a sexual encounter, usually a mutual cuddle leads to a kiss leads to a more passionate kiss and that leads to more with both parties participating equally and both wishing to take things further...

krudler

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

indeed, thats time that could be spent making his woman happy I know what I'd rather being doing..

MyPeopleDrankTheSoup

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

says the guy with 9000 posts

Silverfish

georgiecasey if you have nothing to contribute to the topic and are just posting to make digs at other posters, then please don't post.

The_Morrigan

OH always instigates it....I'm always the tired one as I'm working fulltime, studying part time and by the time he drags his ass over to my house I'm already half asleep and not in the mood to be woken up, plus if I'm woken up I won't sleep and I'm incapable of functioning the following day - bit of a disaster really!!
It bothers him, but I keep telling him to get over earlier or at the weekends when I don't have to be up at 6am

bronte

It's 50/50 I reckon. There's a pretty good balance there.

dublingal80

why dont you iniciate it while he is on the computer, instead of when you are both in bed? just to spice it up a bit

WindSock

If you are constantly instigating without any reciprocation then there is a problem. You need to communicate properly to each other about why this is happening, not while he is in bed trying to sleep though.

The Big Red Button

Deleted User wrote: »

And I'm just waiting for the day that he will roll over and try it on with me, instead of lying on his back blankly staring at the ceiling while I try it on with him!

I could not, absolutely could not, put up with this in a relationship.

I should point out that I've never lived with any of my boyfriends, so in a way I suppose you could say that I've never had the "novelty" of sharing a bed wear off ... but I don't think that I have ever spent the night with any ex-boyfriend or with my fiance without having sex. It's generally 50:50 as regards who instigates it, but the idea of one of us "rejecting" the other like that without any good reason? I think that's really sad. I mean that as in actually sad, not "pathetic" sad!

I can only imagine that, over time, this would really eat away at your self-esteem. In my opinion, it's an issue that you need to discuss and confront as soon as possible. The longer you're stuck in a rut, the harder it is to get out of it!

Thanks everyone! I have to admit that yesterday, while I really was into it, I played at being not bothered, and let him finally roll over and do the work for me!! I guess I have made it easy on him by constantly doing all the chasing while he just goes on the web and goes to sleep.

I'll try withholding again for another few days and see if he gets the message

If not then I guess I'll always have to instigate it I agree with the people who say that without a good sexual relationship, a relationship will falter.

dublingal80

instead of crossing your fingers and hoping he gets the message, why not just talk to him about it?

krudler

dublingal80 wrote: »

instead of crossing your fingers and hoping he gets the message, why not just talk to him about it?

This, us men do not understand subtlety when it comes to this stuff, just say it straight out, solves problems quicker.

He knows. He's just lazy, so am I.

If he's not asking, and I want, I can try. He does work hard and is often too tired. I accept this. Sometimes it's nice to feel wanted though, so the odd time he tries it on with me are definitely moments to be counted. Otherwise it does feel like "I want you, and you just give when you feel like it".

And no I wont talk to him about it, because he's very sensitive and will grab his pillow and run into the spare room, yelling "You're trying to start a fight!".

The Big Red Button

Deleted User wrote: »

He knows. He's just lazy, so am I.

If he's not asking, and I want, I can try. He does work hard and is often too tired. I accept this. Sometimes it's nice to feel wanted though, so the odd time he tries it on with me are definitely moments to be counted. Otherwise it does feel like "I want you, and you just give when you feel like it".

And no I wont talk to him about it, because he's very sensitive and will grab his pillow and run into the spare room, yelling "You're trying to start a fight!".

I wasn't going to even reply ... but I gotta ask ... you're really OK with this?

You're OK with going out with someone who behaves like an absolute child and who acts like having sex with you is a massive effort and being "lazy" is an OK excuse to "avoid" it?

Your relationship is none of my business ... but come on ... you must realise that anyone deserves a whole lot better than this?

chatterpillar

chatterpillar wrote: »

I wasn't going to even reply ... but I gotta ask ... you're really OK with this?

You're OK with going out with someone who behaves like an absolute child and who acts like having sex with you is a massive effort and being "lazy" is an OK excuse to "avoid" it?

Your relationship is none of my business ... but come on ... you must realise that anyone deserves a whole lot better than this?

There is obviously so much more to our relationship than is summed up in this thread. The way he tries, even though he's alseep on his feet.... then the times I feel so totally alone, because I'm afraid to say boo in case he has a tantrum.... it's hard to get a genuine view just from what I've written here.

I'm happy, yeah. I wish he had more time for me, but he doesn't. I realise that work takes up most of his time, and the internet does come above me on his list of priorities, but having gone from the perfectionist who chastised me for missing an episode of Corrie, to the control freak who took my mobile phone because "You don't need your family now you have me" - I'm more than willing to accept the place I have now. Glad, really. He's a sweet guy. He just wont realise how much he's losing out till he's lost it.

The Big Red Button

Deleted User wrote: »

There is obviously so much more to our relationship than is summed up in this thread. The way he tries, even though he's alseep on his feet.... then the times I feel so totally alone, because I'm afraid to say boo in case he has a tantrum.... it's hard to get a genuine view just from what I've written here.

I'm happy, yeah. I wish he had more time for me, but he doesn't. I realise that work takes up most of his time, and the internet does come above me on his list of priorities, but having gone from the perfectionist who chastised me for missing an episode of Corrie, to the control freak who took my mobile phone because "You don't need your family now you have me" - I'm more than willing to accept the place I have now. Glad, really. He's a sweet guy. He just wont realise how much he's losing out till he's lost it.

Aw, Christ.

I was feeling sad already tonight ... this really didn't help.

I would ask you to do one thing. Look at your situation. Imagine that your sister/best friend was in this exact same relationship. Would you tell her that it was good enough for her? That it was what she deserved? Would you?

princess-lala

As Chatterpillar has just said, imagine someone you love in this same situation as you!

You would want them to be happy, you should take a step back and look at what hes doing to you!!

I did not mean to make anyone feel sad. It makes me sad to make someone sad. Seriously.

I am happy with him. He makes it hard for me to get his attention. I'm not sure how long it would be if he was to realise I was missing. But he does love me, when he notices me.

I have only seen too many guys smacking my mates around, or controlling them, and been in both types of relationship myself, that I reckon that although mine is not perfect, nor ideal, if I really care about him, I can deal with it.

I think there may be something in the whole idea that you always choose a man just like your own dad. My dad loves me, as long as we don't have to spend much time together.

I love him, he's just the type of guy who lives on another planet to ours. He's very generous, he gives me everything I need, except maybe attention, but hey.... two out of three ain't bad.

Lynnsie

chatterpillar wrote: »

Aw, Christ.

I was feeling sad already tonight ... this really didn't help.

I would ask you to do one thing. Look at your situation. Imagine that your sister/best friend was in this exact same relationship. Would you tell her that it was good enough for her? That it was what she deserved? Would you?

I totally agree with Chatterpillar, try and see this from an outsider's perspective and imagine what you would tell a friend or a sister. Just because he treats you better than previous boyfriends have, it doesn't mean that he's treating you well.

I know we can't judge your relationship based on a couple of posts, only you know the real situation but read back over what you've typed as if someone else wrote it...from the limited amount we know, it sounds like you deserve better

Lynnsie

Deleted User wrote: »

I did not mean to make anyone feel sad. It makes me sad to make someone sad. Seriously.

I am happy with him. He makes it hard for me to get his attention. I'm not sure how long it would be if he was to realise I was missing. But he does love me, when he notices me.

I have only seen too many guys smacking my mates around, or controlling them, and been in both types of relationship myself, that I reckon that although mine is not perfect, nor ideal, if I really care about him, I can deal with it.

I think there may be something in the whole idea that you always choose a man just like your own dad. My dad loves me, as long as we don't have to spend much time together.

I love him, he's just the type of guy who lives on another planet to ours. He's very generous, he gives me everything I need, except maybe attention, but hey.... two out of three ain't bad.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you're settling for him. He wouldn't notice if you were missing, but it's ok because he doesn't hit you?? You deserve so much more than this, and I can say that even though you're a complete stranger because ANYONE deserves more than this.

It's not for any of us to tell you how to live your life but again, please look back on your posts and think what you would say if someone you cared about was in your position.

Miss Lala

Miss Lala wrote: »

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you're settling for him. He wouldn't notice if you were missing, but it's ok because he doesn't hit you?? You deserve so much more than this, and I can say that even though you're a complete stranger because ANYONE deserves more than this.

It's not for any of us to tell you how to live your life but again, please look back on your posts and think what you would say if someone you cared about was in your position.

I gue4ss I have self esteem issues. I do reckon I am luxky to have what I have. And I am - I am such a genetic ball of fail that I would be lucky to have ANY man, never mind one who does care about me.

He just needs a wake up call.

I will think about how to give that to him.

SheRa

Op, this thread has given you food for thought and its up to you to have a think about things.

We want you to see that you are a lovely person, who deserves loads of love from your boyf.

Mind yourself. xxxx

Thanks Shera.

You guys have given me things to think about, and things to try fixing in my relationsip, and yes, when to know when it's time to walk away. I have cast him in a bad light here, and I don't want this thread to turn into me defending him!!

He is a sweet guy, he's just.... a bit spolit.

I love him though. Can't really put a price on that.

thegen

Deleted User wrote: »

There is obviously so much more to our relationship than is summed up in this thread. The way he tries, even though he's alseep on his feet.... then the times I feel so totally alone, because I'm afraid to say boo in case he has a tantrum.... it's hard to get a genuine view just from what I've written here.

I'm happy, yeah. I wish he had more time for me, but he doesn't. I realise that work takes up most of his time, and the internet does come above me on his list of priorities, but having gone from the perfectionist who chastised me for missing an episode of Corrie, to the control freak who took my mobile phone because "You don't need your family now you have me" - I'm more than willing to accept the place I have now. Glad, really. He's a sweet guy. He just wont realise how much he's losing out till he's lost it.

never posted in here before and might regret it, If I was to treat my other half this way I would expect her to walk away.You deserve better, end of.

Faith

Deleted User wrote: »

and the internet does come above me on his list of priorities,

Ah jaysus, I'm just out of a relationship where my ex had a whole list of priorities above me that I just accepted for a long time - but they were things like his career, his band, college, etc. If he'd placed THE INTERNET as more important than me, I'd have been out of there like a shot.

Come on, seriously - you're willing to accept a man who thinks the internet is more important than you? Who'd rather go online than have sex with you? That is not how a relationship should be.

girlyhappyface

If he's on the internet from the time he finishes work to the time he goes to bed, then he's clearly not chatting with you, having a laugh, cuddling, doing housework, making dinner, going on dates with you etc. That's not as simple as not having sex with you!

If he doesn't really seem bothered doing any of the above, how bothered is he actually being in a relationship with you. I'm sure the issue you mentioned earlier around him controlling your phone is not the only way he controls you. He's only going to lower your already low self esteem if he keeps treating you like this. And when you approach the subject with him he storms into the spare room, punishing you for "trying to start a fight". This is only going to teach you to not bring the subject up with him again.

If you love him, and he loves you, then you MUST sit down to discuss ALL of these issues. Look into the future, and see will you be happy if you have kids and he's ignoring you and your child. If you don't see a happy future then you really need to reassess whether you are truly happy or whether you are just settling to be in a relationship with any man.

It's a lot to digest, and it's never good to be thinking of ending a relationship but you deserve better than how you're being treated now.

carolinespring

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Same...

I'm not sure one or other of us deliberately instigates a sexual encounter, usually a mutual cuddle leads to a kiss leads to a more passionate kiss and that leads to more with both parties participating equally and both wishing to take things further...

Same in our house mosely. One things leads to another!!! otherwise 50/50

carolinespring

Deleted User wrote: »

There is obviously so much more to our relationship than is summed up in this thread. The way he tries, even though he's alseep on his feet.... then the times I feel so totally alone, because I'm afraid to say boo in case he has a tantrum.... it's hard to get a genuine view just from what I've written here.

I'm happy, yeah. I wish he had more time for me, but he doesn't. I realise that work takes up most of his time, and the internet does come above me on his list of priorities, but having gone from the perfectionist who chastised me for missing an episode of Corrie, to the control freak who took my mobile phone because "You don't need your family now you have me" - I'm more than willing to accept the place I have now. Glad, really. He's a sweet guy. He just wont realise how much he's losing out till he's lost it.

Gee, honey. Do you really want to be with someone who takes your mobile phone. That is really worring. Really I would get the hell out. Dose not sound healthy to me at all.

rannerap

probably about 50 50 id say,it doesnt really make a difference either way,we dont live together so its inevitable every time we see each other.

mashling

but having gone from the perfectionist who chastised me for missing an episode of Corrie, to the control freak who took my mobile phone because "You don't need your family now you have me" - I'm more than willing to accept the place I have now.

I think she was talking about her exes there. I hope...

Penny Dreadful

Deleted User wrote: »

Thanks Shera.

You guys have given me things to think about, and things to try fixing in my relationsip, and yes, when to know when it's time to walk away. I have cast him in a bad light here, and I don't want this thread to turn into me defending him!!

He is a sweet guy, he's just.... a bit spolit.

I love him though. Can't really put a price on that.

You are though. You're paying the price of not feeling wanted, desired, tolerated for sex, scared to have an adult conversation about something potentially difficult in case he runs off.........
I broke up with my partner of 10.5 years last November although I still loved him. Despite the love, he kept disappointing me in many big ways, he (like your boyfriend) spent hours and hours on the Net getting to bed long after me, he had his own friends and social life, essentially we shared a house not a life.
Making the decision to end things with him, with someone I loved and had shared a decade plus with was anything but easy but I had compromised so much of myself to be with him without anything in return that to save myself and what made me me I had to end things. I did it and now 8 /9 months later am feeling heeps better and have started dating someone else who is very different.
There is life after a break up.

carolinespring

carolinespring wrote: »

Gee, honey. Do you really want to be with someone who takes your mobile phone. That is really worring. Really I would get the hell out. Dose not sound healthy to me at all.

Oh, definitely the ex!! Nutjob extraordinaire.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the replies, given me stuff to think about. We had a falling out tonight because I said he hadn't spoken to me in two days, he said I didn't tell him about the problems I am having with my eyes, I said I couldn't cause he wouldn't be interested, he said he can't be interested in what he's not told, I frightened him today by just texting him that I was off to the doctor and then possible the Mater Hospital.... of course he's not from Dublin so he thought "maternity" and freaked... once he found out it was "only my eyes" he was ok...

Anyway I'm PMSing big time on him, and because he's just sitting there click-clicking away on the PC, didn't bother to tell him that I had a possible eyesight emergency, so it works two ways. Anyway he's gone out on his bike cause he's a big baby, dinner's gone cold in the oven. Serves him right.

Though I have to start looking at my own part in his behavior, cause I'm certainly not innocent, and if he agrees to talk it over without resorting to running away or yelling, then I'm willing to keep trying.

wireless101

krudler wrote: »

This, us men do not understand subtlety when it comes to this stuff, just say it straight out, solves problems quicker.

speak for yourself

Little Miss Lady

It's 50-50 with me..
But if I was feeling frisky
I'd have no problem initiating anything..
I guess it's how comfortable you feel with your partner
is what it really boils down to