new friend being forced on my 20 month old

casio4

hi just wondering could I have a few opinions on this, my daughter is 20 months old and I let her out in the front garden to play as we have secure gates and can keep a good eye on her, however there is a child that lives down the road and she is the same age as mine and her mother regularly comes up to my garden and lifts here child over the wall to play with mine she then stands at the wall and watches them play, now I like my privacy so looking out my sittingroom window to see this woman standing there makes my blood boil.I have gone out and spoken to her being neighbourly and she's very pushy and wants the two kids to be friends.I think there is plenty of time for the kids to be mixing with each other and they are a bit young yet,this woman has 2 other kids that play on the street from morning til night without anyone checking on them.I have gone out for the day with my little one just to avoid the situation and even played with her in the back garden so as not to see this woman but if she gets even a sniff we are in the front garden she is there, I have even heard her other kids telling her we are out the front playing :mad:

wolfpawnat

your child should have a lot of social interaction with children of her age, I wish I had it for my son. But for someone to force themselves constantly on you is not right. It is fairly irratating I can imagine!

I have to say though you should remain outside with your daughter at all times, you shouldn't just look out the window at her, if the wall is small enough for a child to be lifted into your garden, it is small enough for your daughter to be lifted OUT!!!! One minute to check on the dinner is all someone needs to grab her, or for her to really injure herself!

casio4

we don't ever leave her in the garden without watching her, my husband minds her full time while I work so even if i'm going to check on the dinner I make sure he takes my place at the door or in the garden.She does mix with other children when we go to friends houses the problem is when we come home

Moonbeam

I would agree that a 20 month old needs to socialise but I don't know how impressed I would be with someone that I didn't know and that made no effort to get to know me lifting their child over the wall repeatedly to play with mine with out acknowledging my presence or asking was it ok.

Have you said anyhting about it to her?

casio4

I first spoke to her when the kids were 9 months old and she saw me in the garden and she said we must arrange play dates which I said ok to but had no intentions of keeping up the arrangement as she isn't the type I would make friends with,anyway the play dates never happened as I avoided her as much as I could, I'm not a stay at home mam I work so that wasn't hard, then her sons recently would come up to my gate and say to the other kids while pointing at my daughter there is marys friend meaning their sister. The mother is waiting for every opportunity to offload the little one she is already playing on the street with her 2 brothers and when my little one was playing in the garden the other day the 2 boys just walked in to my garden and started playing with her toys ignoring my kid and when the mother shouted down the road to ask where they where they shouted back my garden and she shouted back well get up here and bring mary down to that garden to play with you at that point I saw red and told them we were going in and they had to leave she was going for a nap, now the mother has started coming down with mary (not her real name) and trying to worm her way in. I have since then taken the toys from the garden into the house to stop the two boys coming in. Whenever I talk to the mother at the wall she thinks it's great that they are playing together, she hasn't got a gate or grass for her one to play on

crazy cat lady

Does your little one enjoy playing with 'Mary'? Even if you know that the mother isn't your type of person, surely if your child enjoys the interaction it'd be worth making the effort with the woman?

I can understand why you would be upset about this child being dumped in your garden regularly, and I think the only way it will stop is if you talk to the woman in question and explain that its not on. Hiding away indoors or in the back garden will not solve the problem. Either that or get a higher fence and a lock on the gate!

casio4

I would make the effort if the kids got on but the other child is as pushy as the mother, she is in my daughters face and very hands on which causes my little one to back away from her and frown, I suppose I will have to say something to the mother at some stage but I have a feeling she will get the hump and bad mouth me to the rest of the street:rolleyes:

lynski

my experience is that one of these days your lo will be asking for the other one to play with. so you need to set your rules and limits, because children love company and we dont always get to choose who they keep company with.

bubbaloo

In my opinion, I think you need to address this or it is going to fester and end up exploding into a huge argument.
You can't hide in the back garden forever and anyway, the older kids have no right to come into your property without your permission.
You could perhaps approach it by saying you would prefer if the kids didn't come in when you're not in the garden as if something were to happen nobody would be watching out for them.
Then, depending on how the conversation goes you could say that you enjoy spending time alone with your little one as you work full time and don't get to do it too often.
Worst case scenario - the evenings will be getting darker in a few weeks and hopefully the habit will be broken over the winter!
Good luck with it!

astra2000

Hi I agree that the habit will be broken in the comming months but it will only rear its head again come next summer.I would not be keen on this situation especially if you have decided they are not the type of people you want your daughter to mix with, if you allow your daughter to be very friendly with this girl then it will only be a matter of time before your child is looking to be out on the street playing with her or the little girl will be making her own way to your house to play if you are panning on staying in this area long term do all you can to nip it in the bud now! If your back garden is big enough keep her toys out there and have this as her play area. Try avoidance for now and hopefully she will get the message.

casio4

Thanks for the replies, alot of good points made I feel better already

xzanti

I think I would feel a bit violated aswel if that were me.. As you said, the kids have plenty of time to socialise but when you've put the little one out in the garden and closed the gates, that to me would indicate that you want her left alone to play..

When you want her to socialise you will no doubt start taking her out to the children or down to the playground or whatever yourself.. You don't want her first impressions of social interaction to be some kid pushing her around in her own garden..

I think I can imagine the type of person you're describing OP i.e. the mother.. Some people just have no sense of personal space.. :rolleyes:

What's wrong with just maybe walking up to the gates and letting them wave hello to each other and then maybe forge a friendship from there.. coming up and lifting the child into your garden is crossing the line IMHO, and standing there? does she think it's a public play area or something?.. and it does sound like she's looking for somewhere to dump the child if her other kids are allowed to run freely..

casio4

thanks xzanti that's the whole point I'm living in the same house for 14 years and in all that time anyone that had a baby brought them out to the other kids when they were ready for the child to play with them but 20 months no i'm sorry she's too young, there is a boy the same age as the two girls a few doors down from me and I know from past children that that woman had her little boy wont be out with the others until he is 3 years old

gogo

God, id have an issue with this as well, every one's different regarding there own children socialising, but no way would I like someone just to plonk there child in my garden and stand there and watch. As above its not a play ground.
I myself find it very difficult to come straight out and tell people i have a problem, so what i'd do is, the next time she is outside, is go out and take your child in, making up some excuse that its time for dinner or something, and tell the other mam you'll see her later, can't talk, got to run type of thing. If you keep doing this, she'll take the hint, and can't really bad mouth you for going in for dinner or whatever. If she does bad mouth you, stand your ground then.
Or, once or twice, get the buggy out and say your off somewhere,(even walk to the shop or something) say 'sure you can ring me in future and we can arrange something else, mush easier to put someone off if they ring you, and you get in the point of ringing you before she comes up.