Miscarriage

caprilicious

Just venting here really, hope no one minds

I miscarried our baby last night/this morning, s/he would have been just over 8 weeks

I went into hospital yesterday afternoon with bleeding, I'd had a bleed on my last (healthy) pregnancy so wasn't overly panicking.
They did a scan and showed DH and I our little baba with its heart beating away good and strong.

The doctor was concerned that there was quite a bit of blood, so scheduled me for another scan the following day.
However it wasn't to be, a few hours later I passed a large clot (sorry tmi) and thought to myself that was it.

I went to the hospital thinking they'd scan me, say sorry for your loss then send me packing with a few paracetomol.
However they did not scan, kept me in overnight on a drip & scanned in the morning.
For those few precious hours last night, because no one had said to me outright that there was no hope/baby was gone, I still held out hope that things were going to be ok.

However when I collected my first sample for them in the morning, it wasn't urine, all blood followed an hour later by 3 large clots (sorry again tmi).
I broke down then as I realised at this point there was no hope, that was it.
I had another 2 hours to wait til I had the final scan that confirmed my thoughts, baby was gone.

The only saving grace was that I had passed it all naturally & didn't require a D&C.
A part of me feels like I don't have the same place to be upset as someone who's first baby it was. I have a beautiful & healthy 5 month old little girl at home who is my absolute life.
The baby I lost had the same due date as my little girls first birthday, they would have been 'Irish Twins'.

I know I should be glad also as I have already had a complete & healthy pregnancy, but I feel so sad thinking of the hopes I had for a little brother/sister for our little lady.

After having our daughter I had said we would definitely have at least 2 more, now I think even the thoughts of going through one more pregnancy is terrifying in case it ends the same way.
I don't want her to be an only child though, so in time we will try again.

I feel so stupid for telling so many people I was pregnant before the 12 week mark, I wish now I had waited that bit longer as telling people now is both awkward and adds to the sadness.


My heart goes out to every woman who has gone through this before me and those who will again after me.
It is the most devastating feeling, your babies little life disappearing.

In some ways if my scan had shown no heartbeat, it might have made it easier. It is horrible knowing that the baby seemed healthy (correct size for dates, heartbeat strong) but my body rejected it.

Also Mary Harney has a lot to answer for with health cuts. Thanks to her health cuts, the Gynae ward in the hospital was closed.
So instead I had a torturous night in an Ante Natal ward.
How fun that was listening to the other mum's having their healthy babies heart beat checked (you know the loud monitors you hear all around the ward) while I was lying there with my baby dying inside of me.
Thank you Mary Harney/HSE.


I must whole heartedly commend the staff in St. Lukes, Kilkenny. These women are absolute Angels no doubt about it.
They were so compassionate, you would think I was one of their family the way they treated me, not some stranger that had walked in from the street.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on I just needed to get that out of my system.
I spoke about it this morning with my sister and DH, I don't really feel up to speaking about it anymore with family/friends, just feels a little easier online.

lonestargirl

Caprilicious, I'm so sorry to hear your story. Like many women I've also had a miscarriage (in March this year) and I know how it feels. Whether you have no children or ten children you still lost your little baba and you have as much right to be upset as anyone else. I know it's cold comfort at this moment in time but the majority of miscarriages are your body deciding that this pregancy wasn't meant to be.

Remember that you've still got pregnancy hormones flying around so look after yourself (and your DH) and take it easy. HUGS

xzanti

So sorry to hear that Caprilicious I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, I know how horrible it is.. there really is no worse feeling in the world than losing your precious baby..

And it doesn't matter if you have 1 or 10 healthy babies already, if you lose one it's still going to hurt as much as if you had none, a loss is a loss and you have every right to grieve *Hugs* XXX

DetectivFoxtrot

so so sorry to hear your news Caprilicious.

((( HUGS )))


You are not stupid for telling people before the 12 week mark, so try and not feel that way. You were ecstatic and obviously wanted to share with family and friends.

take care X

crazy cat lady

Oh Cap I'm so sorry I know how awful you must be feeling, its so unfair.

Make sure you take care of yourself and make sure you get lots of hugs from Rose and TLC from your OH.

You will have a beatiful brother or sister for Rose soon, try not to let this awful experience put you off.

Take care x

cyning

I'm so sorry Caprilicious: and I know how awful it is. Theres nothing anyone can say just take care of yourself: and give yourself time *hugs*

CathyMoran

I am so sorry for your loss - please take things easy, I found that letting a baloon go free really helped me but you will always think of your little one - huge hugs.

caprilicious

Thank you all so very much for the lovely replies, they mean a lot to me x

I'm actually feeling fine today, strangely calm, but I've been keeping busy & will be busy the rest of the week

My little girl is settling into Nursery tomorrow as I'm back to work next week. Its something I had PND about, I was dreading leaving her, so now with this too I think it wont hit me til next week & I'll be in a puddle.

Cathy, thats a really lovely suggestion x

CathyMoran

I just wish that I could give you a big hug now...if you have things to distract you it may help, huge hugs.

xzanti

caprilicious wrote: »

I'm back to work next week. Its something I had PND about, I was dreading leaving her, so now with this too I think it wont hit me til next week & I'll be in a puddle.

Cathy, thats a really lovely suggestion x

I think you'd be well within your rights to take a week or two more off tbh.. I thought I'd be fine going back after a week but it was just way to much you're body will take time to re-adjust and the trauma of leaving your little one for the first time on top of it, it sounds like an awful lot..

But only you can know what's best for you XX

caprilicious

Thanks again Cathy & Xzanti x

I'm going to call into my boss later this week before I return to work to let him know what the story is, so at least if I do return & don't feel up to it he'll know in advance & I wont have to answer a load of questions.

xzanti

Yes that's the best plan I think.. Don't do what I did and walk in clutching a Doctors note and fall to pieces infront of your co-workers XX

crazy cat lady

Definately take as much time off as you need. I took 2 months after my mc!

Spend as much time with your baba as possible. I know it won't take the pain away but I can only imagine that realising what you are blessed with will help you cope with the loss.