Gay Gerontophile

Pabiniez

I'm a straight-acting, early 20s, student going to university. I'm not out to my friends because of famial reasons and because of the fact I'm confused about who I am as a person. To make matters worse, I don't know whether I'm gay or bi because I'm not attracted to guys my own age. I'm only attracted to guys 30-40 years older than me. However, I think I'm attracted to some girls my own age but I haven't acted on those feelings.

I had a sexual encounter with a guy my own age when I was 8 but I think I was more interested in his Dad than him. When I was 17 I had a sexual encounter with a man 30 years older than me. Since then I've been sexually involved with older men.

I've struggled to accept my sexual attraction to older men all my life and it hasn't been easy at times. It's especially difficult when girls my own age express interest in me. I've had a few girlfriends but I've never had sex with a girl. I'm afraid to experiment with a girl because I have only had sex with men. If it came to it, I don't know if I'd be able to perform. The thought of her finding out that I've had sex with older men makes me anxious of getting involved.

I feel I can't come out as being gay because I'm not attracted to guys my own age. I could never imagine myself admitting that I'm attracted to older men, if someone asked me. It's not very socially acceptable.

Does anyone know how to get to South Park's camp "Pray the Gay Away"? (Just kidding!) Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Honestly, it's not all that strange. I think the biggest hurdle is that people will think you're doing it for money, rather than attraction. You come across very genuinely even in text though, and I think people will believe you if you choose to tell them.

You don't have to label yourself. You don't have to discuss your sexuality and preferences with people. People are not going to randomly find out, there's no need to be anxious about it. This is also quite a temporary situation that you're in. The older you get, the less people will even think twice about it.

If you want to pursue a relationship with a girl, then do. As long as you're faithful within the agreements of the relationship, you don't have to discuss your other attractions either. That is, if you have no problem being monogamous while with a girl, then you don't have to mention that you also find older guys attractive. Somewhere down the road when you feel more comfortable you can think about it. These things get easier as you get older.

If you want to pursue a relationship with an older guy, then it's probably quite easy. I imagine something like The Furry Glen night in Pantibar would be a good place (although I haven't been so I can't say for sure).

Eebs

It's not that uncommon, and even in straight relationships it can be difficult explaining they're into older men/women.

Just try be honest with yourself and deal with the consequences. It's better than living a lie anyway and most people will eventually come round. There are a lot of older gay men out there. www.recon.com has some profiles too and I think a specialised chat room if you want to try chat to people about it (it's a kink gay personals site and not work safe).

LGiamani

Pabiniez wrote: »

I'm a straight-acting, early 20s, student going to university. I'm not out to my friends because of famial reasons and because of the fact I'm confused about who I am as a person. To make matters worse, I don't know whether I'm gay or bi because I'm not attracted to guys my own age. I'm only attracted to guys 30-40 years older than me. However, I think I'm attracted to some girls my own age but I haven't acted on those feelings.

I had a sexual encounter with a guy my own age when I was 8 but I think I was more interested in his Dad than him. When I was 17 I had a sexual encounter with a man 30 years older than me. Since then I've been sexually involved with older men.

I've struggled to accept my sexual attraction to older men all my life and it hasn't been easy at times. It's especially difficult when girls my own age express interest in me. I've had a few girlfriends but I've never had sex with a girl. I'm afraid to experiment with a girl because I have only had sex with men. If it came to it, I don't know if I'd be able to perform. The thought of her finding out that I've had sex with older men makes me anxious of getting involved.

I feel I can't come out as being gay because I'm not attracted to guys my own age. I could never imagine myself admitting that I'm attracted to older men, if someone asked me. It's not very socially acceptable.

Does anyone know how to get to South Park's camp "Pray the Gay Away"? (Just kidding!) Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Do you seek the experience of older men over younger men. In your experiences have older men responded better to your needs i.e not treated like an object more as a human

Pabiniez

LGiamani wrote: »

Do you seek the experience of older men over younger men. In your experiences have older men responded better to your needs i.e not treated like an object more as a human

I wouldn't say 'experience' is what I'm after with older men because not all older men are experienced. I think what I'm looking for is more along the lines of maturity. I would consider myself (and others think the same of me too) that I'm quite mature for my age. So I suppose I'm seeking maturity in an individual but unfortuantley that doesn't always come with age.

Also, I wouldn't say that older men are any different to younger men when it comes to treating individuals like an object. There appears to be plenty older men out there who like to treat young boys like me as an object. Fortunatley, I respect myself too much to entertain their interests.

Pabiniez

Eebs wrote: »

It's not that uncommon, and even in straight relationships it can be difficult explaining they're into older men/women.

Just try be honest with yourself and deal with the consequences. It's better than living a lie anyway and most people will eventually come round. There are a lot of older gay men out there. www.recon.com has some profiles too and I think a specialised chat room if you want to try chat to people about it (it's a kink gay personals site and not work safe).

Cheers Eebs! Honesty is the best policy. I'll check that site out.

St._Andalou

Well the first thing I would say is don't let it put you off coming out. When you come out, you just tell people you're attracted to men. You don't need to go through every detail of your love life. I just say this because I remember being in the closet as a miserable experience. You mentioned girls, too. If you are gay (as opposed to bisexual) it's very unfair to the girl to get involved in long-term relationships, and it's not good for you, either. If you think your friends or family can one day accept you, then why not start by coming out to some people close to you?

OK, moving on. Attraction to older men is not as rare as you think. Lots of people find it interesting to look into the psychology behind it. I was in a relationship when I was 20 with a guy a good deal older than myself (although the age gap was not as big as the one you mention). He met my friends, we got on great.

Which brings me to my last point. Your attractions change over time. When I was 18 or 19, I used to like older men exclusively. I'm 24 now, and to be honest, I'm more interested in guys my own age.

So feel free to explore your sexual attraction safely. No one has the right to judge you; you're not doing anything illegal.

Pabiniez

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

Honestly, it's not all that strange. I think the biggest hurdle is that people will think you're doing it for money, rather than attraction. You come across very genuinely even in text though, and I think people will believe you if you choose to tell them.

You don't have to label yourself. You don't have to discuss your sexuality and preferences with people. People are not going to randomly find out, there's no need to be anxious about it. This is also quite a temporary situation that you're in. The older you get, the less people will even think twice about it.

If you want to pursue a relationship with a girl, then do. As long as you're faithful within the agreements of the relationship, you don't have to discuss your other attractions either. That is, if you have no problem being monogamous while with a girl, then you don't have to mention that you also find older guys attractive. Somewhere down the road when you feel more comfortable you can think about it. These things get easier as you get older.

If you want to pursue a relationship with an older guy, then it's probably quite easy. I imagine something like The Furry Glen night in Pantibar would be a good place (although I haven't been so I can't say for sure).

Thanks for your message Dwn Wth Vwls. Yes, you're right about people thinking that I'm doing it for money. That was the reaction I got from someone I made the mistake of telling. Talk about missing the point. If it was cash I was after, I would have started the conversation with "By the way, I got a new job...."

You're right also about not having to label myself. Us humans have a tendency to be a little too preoccupied with categorising things with labels. Unfortunatley, I fell vicitim to that social norm until I read what you said which made me realise the stupidity of it. I suppose if I'm filling out any sexuality surveys in the near future which require me to choose between hetero and homo, I'll just have to employ the good ol' question mark.

The Furry Glen...now I hadn't heard of that one before. Sounds very bear-esque. I'm not one for the scence but I might consider that sometime.

Pabiniez

St._Andalou wrote: »

Well the first thing I would say is don't let it put you off coming out. When you come out, you just tell people you're attracted to men. You don't need to go through every detail of your love life. I just say this because I remember being in the closet as a miserable experience. You mentioned girls, too. If you are gay (as opposed to bisexual) it's very unfair to the girl to get involved in long-term relationships, and it's not good for you, either. If you think your friends or family can one day accept you, then why not start by coming out to some people close to you?

OK, moving on. Attraction to older men is not as rare as you think. Lots of people find it interesting to look into the psychology behind it. I was in a relationship when I was 20 with a guy a good deal older than myself (although the age gap was not as big as the one you mention). He met my friends, we got on great.

Which brings me to my last point. Your attractions change over time. When I was 18 or 19, I used to like older men exclusively. I'm 24 now, and to be honest, I'm more interested in guys my own age.

So feel free to explore your sexual attraction safely. No one has the right to judge you; you're not doing anything illegal.

Thanks for your message St. Andalou. I know I shouldn't let it put me off coming out. I suppose I am apprehensive that my friends (if they thought that I was gay) would try to set me up with guys my own age and I wouldn't be interested. Then they would be wondering what am I interested in.

Also, I'm the monogamous type so cheating or doing-the-dirt behind anyone's back -male or female- wouldn't be my thing. I just couldn't do that to anyone. If I was in a relationship with a guy then homosexuality would be my sexuality status and vice versa if I was with a girl. Playing on both sides of the court at the same time is a definite no no.

Thanks for sharing your personal story. It's good to know that I'm not alone.

Aard

Don't go psychoanalysing yourself, OP. You like what you like, and that's it.


WRT to telling friends, yeah you get the various "gold-digger" and "rentboy" teasing, but that's all it is. Soon enough the novelty wears off. Once I got into a proper relationship, nobody batted an eyelid. You're in your 20s; you're not a teenager anymore. If other people can't grow up then that's their problem.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Pabiniez wrote: »

I suppose if I'm filling out any sexuality surveys in the near future which require me to choose between hetero and homo, I'll just have to employ the good ol' question mark.

Eh, or bisexual...

Pabiniez wrote: »

I know I shouldn't let it put me off coming out. I suppose I am apprehensive that my friends (if they thought that I was gay) would try to set me up with guys my own age and I wouldn't be interested. Then they would be wondering what am I interested in.

To say that you like older guys is completely normal. The only part where people might react is when they realise how much older. If people do actually try to set you up with people, it wouldn't kill you to occasionally meet people for a coffee or whatever. Even if you know as soon as you get there that you're not interested, you might make a friend or have a nice conversation.

To avoid coming out purely because you're afraid of being set up with people you're not interested in? It's a pretty weak excuse to be honest, nobody is going to try and force you to date someone you're not interested in. If you meet someone and say you're not interested nobody is going to question it too much. Just say you didn't click. You don't have to blurt out "gerontophile" the first time someone says "You're gay? I know a gay!".

St._Andalou

Yeah, I've been out for six years now and my friends have never tried to set me up with someone. I don't think it really happens to anyone, to be honest. You can just say you're not interested from the outset in the unlikely situation that it does happen.

Heebie

From the sound of things, silverdaddies.com or daddyhunt.com would be much more in-line than recon.com. recon.com says it's for people into "fetish gear".. and I don't think older men qualify as "gear"

Eebs wrote: »

It's not that uncommon, and even in straight relationships it can be difficult explaining they're into older men/women.

Just try be honest with yourself and deal with the consequences. It's better than living a lie anyway and most people will eventually come round. There are a lot of older gay men out there. www.recon.com has some profiles too and I think a specialised chat room if you want to try chat to people about it (it's a kink gay personals site and not work safe).

AnBealBocht

I can endorse < www.silverdaddies.com > as a site for free text exchange/messaging between older and younger guys, with the added benefit of live online chat & optional webcam interaction(s).

<www.unitedgayglobalunion.com >

This older guy would delight in exchange with younger, gay Irish guys---of legal age.

Heebie

So would this older guy.

AnBealBocht wrote: »

This older guy would delight in exchange with younger, gay Irish guys---of legal age.

Rick_

Not all younger guys are immature little twerps. There are plenty of younger guys who treat their partners with nothing but love and kindness and conduct their relationships with maturity and understanding, just like older men appear to. I know I do, it's just hard to find someone around my own age who is on the same wave length as me.

98% of guys that message me or whos profiles I come across online when browsing, regardless of their age, are just looking for random hook-ups and stuff. That's not and never will be my style so I think I'm doomed to be alone! (The other 2% live too far away, don't ever come online to chat or we don't seem to click and it fades out).

AnBealBocht

Paddy C wrote: »

Not all younger guys are immature little twerps. There are plenty of younger guys who treat their partners with nothing but love and kindness and conduct their relationships with maturity and understanding, just like older men appear to. I know I do, it's just hard to find someone around my own age who is on the same wave length as me.

98% of guys that message me or whos profiles I come across online when browsing, regardless of their age, are just looking for random hook-ups and stuff. That's not and never will be my style so I think I'm doomed to be alone! (The other 2% live too far away, don't ever come online to chat or we don't seem to click and it fades out).

We Gays are new to this ' courtship ' process, invented by the heterosexuals & we have chosen to emulate them and have not yet mastered it.

A close reading of many profiles reveals that the ' quick hookup ' is simply a means to an end, i.e. the LTR/long-term realationship. Difficult to change MANkind, especially with our new-found freedoms.
However, twice the ' quick hookup ' resulted in 2 LTRs for me ( one 23 years, one 6 years.)

Us older guys may have a paternal ( as well as a sexual) instinct also, and find dealing with some ' immature twerps ' a challenge, fullfilling & delightful.

So, Paddy C, open your arms ( at least) to the experience with all 100% of gay men. :-)

Remembering my twenties, living in NYC when our ' freedoms ' began in 1969, I do not, as a physician, find it surprising that many ( ? most) young men's sexual impulses clouding their judgement.
With time, other instincts/needs will come to balance that judgement, which is why the Socratic model, of the [Gay] older man mentoring the more youthful [Gay] guy may have merit.

Give it a try.