I farted during a massage today

the_monkey

SadieSue wrote: »

I guess you didn't have a happy ending.

--

dvpower wrote: »

That's more than a fart.

even better !!!! jajajajajajajajajaja

I need to browse AH more....

evil_seed

kfallon wrote: »

Anyone ever do a sneezefart, my God they are sore on your hole!

sneeze-farts and sneeze-pisses. OWWWWW :mad:

Ronin247

My favourite fart ad. They are going on a blind date...........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed9J5oGOnuk

blinding

I was working in Germany during an intense heatwave and had to make a phonecall home (pre mobiles)

The only phonebox I could find was in a major league sun trap near a bus stop.

So in I goes with my leg keeping the door wide open to keep a little cool

So I start my conversation and this curious/nosy german lady catches my Irish accent speaking the old English.

So she starts gettting a little closer to the open door so she can get a good earful

Unfortunately due to the unusual angle of leg and the previous nights excess's the pressure become too great and I lets rip an almighty thunderer.

Fair dues to the German frau she makes her escape with a hearty laugh realising that she had got something she clearly understood for her nosiness.

NoHornJan

In Old God's Time a roman soldier lost his life because he farted in a temple...:rolleyes:

Pope Benedict

NoHornJan wrote: »

In Old God's Time a roman soldier lost his life because he farted in a temple...:rolleyes:

Thanks for that. :rolleyes:

NoHornJan

Pope Benedict wrote: »

Thanks for that. :rolleyes:

Being from Rome , Your Eminanceship, I thought you should know that, for your own safety. Careful now, keep your bum buttoned in future in the holy places...

kfallon

NoHornJan wrote: »

Careful now, keep your bum buttoned in future in the holy places...

Now he knows how the kids feel at Mass :eek:

Captain Average

My favourite fart was on a Heineken Cup weekend in Limerick. Think Sale Sharks were over, so I'd been out for three days on the trot and my diet had consisted solely of Guinness, and bacon and cabbage. For three days!
Coming towards the end of the third night, i let one rip in the smoking area in the pub i was in. This place is fairly large, and obviously open air. I managed to clear the whole place. I was the only person left standing proudly out there, almost pissing myself with laughter as the people fleed.

ToxicPaddy

rofno1 wrote: »

This happened to me a number of years ago...

Well, a dull grey day and in a packed church, a solemn funeral it taking place. Few pints the night before with the rent-a-crowd, as you do, to give a good send off to a dear relative.

Next, I get that tickling sensation in your nose that lets you know a sneeze is on the way. As church is in complete silence except for the muffled tears of the close family at front, I chose to stifle the sneeze or at least contain it as best I can.....

Big mistake. The gassy ass that I already had from lager could not contain the instant pressure build up from the sneeze so instead of an sneeze breaking the silence, and machine gun FFFFAARRRRRPPPP, amplified by the wooden bench rips out of my ass, echoing around church for at least 10 seconds.

Women weep, babies cry, men chuckle and I'm written out of several wills that day.

Bugger.

Absolutely crying with laughter here at this one, everyone in work looking at me and I cant stop.. classic!! :D:D:D:D:D

phill106

Aidric wrote: »

Ha. Always good having a laugh at someone 'in trouble in the stalls'.
I remember years ago going in to the public library in Limerick. Went for a piss on the way out in their jacks. All the homeless folk used wander in to use that particular jacks. One particularly scruffy gent entered a stall as I was taking my leak.
He hadn't the keks barely down when he unloaded a stream of airy farts followed by a loud roar of 'get out of me you bastard'. :eek:
He sounded in agony, crying almost.

Hmmm that the granary? Aren't the toilets there individual toilets (ie not stalls)?

Aidric

phill106 wrote: »

Hmmm that the granary? Aren't the toilets there individual toilets (ie not stalls)?

Yes the granary. 3 stalls in the mens.

Terry

kfallon wrote: »

Of course women do fart, we'd be at it twice as much if we could fart thru the front bum aswell as the more orthodox 'exit hole'!

Always seem to be full of farts first thing in the morn, think it's just the bugle to sound that the 'cavalry' is on the way, usually I'm on the throne within 10 mins. Same every morn, you could set your watch by my arse!

Years ago when living at home I used to share a room with my brother. Would take off the pillowcase and fart into it for 5-10 mins in the morn. Keep it sealed between farts and then I'd get it and shove it over his head while he was asleep.....ah those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end......

You're a man.

caseyann wrote: »

Oh yeah we let off

You're a man.

Jerry Dazzling Pint wrote: »

The absolute worst is when you fart in an empty room but then someone comes in and there's absolutely no way you can blame the smell on anyone or anything else. I was in A&E a few weeks ago, waiting ages and ages in this room for a doctor, dying to fart and eventually I couldn't hold it in anymore and let out the worst silent but violent ever only for the ridiculously good looking junior doctor to whip back the curtain 30 seconds later. Awkward.

You're a gay man.

There are no women on the internet, and women do not fart.

Kiera

Terry wrote: »

There are no women on the internet, and women do not fart.

True Ter, and we dont poo.

kfallon

Kiera wrote: »

True Ter, and we dont poo.

That's not what the women in work tell me, from what they say the women's toilets are more often than not in a worse state than the gents :eek:

Kiera

kfallon wrote: »

That's not what the women in work tell me, from what they say the women's toilets are more often than not in a worse state than the gents :eek:

Maybe that's from our "monthly" problems. Would you like me to into all that for you?

Captain Average

kfallon wrote: »

That's not what the women in work tell me, from what they say the women's toilets are more often than not in a worse state than the gents :eek:

My first part time job many many years ago was as a cleaner in a shopping centre. I can confirm the above. Walked into the women's jacks to clean them once, and walked straight back out, refusing to do it. Why was there poo on the floor?

kfallon

Kiera wrote: »

Maybe that's from our "monthly" problems. Would you like me to into all that for you?

If you like, not bothered about a bit of blood tbh

It wasn't the having 'your palm read (red)' bit they were on about, it was the releasing of Nelson Mandela!

NoHornJan

kfallon wrote: »

If you like, not bothered about a bit of blood tbh

It wasn't the having 'your palm read (red)' bit they were on about, it was the releasing of Nelson Mandela!

Bloody facepalm!!!

Ronin247

Terry wrote: »

Liar. Women don't fart.

Whats the difference between a woman and a fridge ?

A fridge doesnt fart when you take the meat out.

Rubberlegs

I have just sharted myself laughing reading this thread:D. I did a really bad fart once down the back of a clothes shop in town. Ya should have seen the expression on the shop assistants face, and she actually got a can of air freshener n started spraying it liberally, ha ha! Had to leave the shop incase I followed through with the laughin......

germanspider

messymess wrote: »

Can you PM us on the details and rate of your masseuse? I'd murder a good thai massage! If I go to the same one I might even fart for laugh

try the new one on temple bar, i got a massage there last week and it was really really good one, the girls that are there used to work on Kevin street so they are really professional and know what they're doing, got a business card from them so here is the website www.baanpaithaimassage.ie good luck and btw i often pass a sneaky one during massage,its natural:P

kfallon

germanspider wrote: »

try the new one on temple bar, i got a massage there last week and it was really really good one, the girls that are there used to work on Kevin street so they are really professional and know what they're doing, got a business card from them so here is the website www.baanpaithaimassage.ie good luck and btw i often pass a sneaky one during massage,its natural:P

Do they do 'extras'?

MarkY91

drunken night out clubbing, somehow got lucky and brought a girl home:pac: we were in my bed and i farted by mistake she said did you fart??...i was shocked and went :eek:eh no:o...luckily there was no smell just like OP's story too lol

Menengroth™

Quality thread.


I remember one particular day in French class back in 1st or 2nd year, one of the lads was always put in this ****ty little single desk at the very top corner of the room facing the wall away from everyone else. Anyway, he let's a silent fart that moved very slowly across the entire classroom and it was one of the most vile things I have ever smelt. The teacher got a whiff and shouted "Oh jeepers, open the windows!" before promptly stepped outside the classroom while the rest of us suffocated as your man grinned with pride at everyone choking on a fart so thick and pungent you could almost touch it. Hung around for a good five minutes too. The bastard.

Kiera

Ronin247 wrote: »

Whats the difference between a woman and a fridge ?

A fridge doesnt fart when you take the meat out.

:D:D:D

jackiebaron

Gillington wrote: »

Did you get the job!!?

No. There was some fairly stiff competition. It was a job I didn't really want anyway. Just took the interview because it involved a free flight and a night in a hotel on their tab.

Aglomerado

One day in primary school (6th class) one of the boys in my class dropped a biro off his desk and bent to pick it up, emitting a THUNDEROUS fart as he did so. We all laughed, except the teacher who roared "In all my 30 years' teaching I have never heard a sound like that".

We all doubted it, she was a fat oul hag with an enormous arse.

In secondary school, our Geography teacher used to return our homework by giving the exercise books to one of the boys who would then walk around the room delivering them, "crop dusting" with his noisy, smelly arse.

Farts are feckin' hilarious!

jackiebaron

kfallon wrote: »

Of course women do fart, we'd be at it twice as much if we could fart thru the front bum aswell as the more orthodox 'exit hole'!

Always seem to be full of farts first thing in the morn, think it's just the bugle to sound that the 'cavalry' is on the way, usually I'm on the throne within 10 mins. Same every morn, you could set your watch by my arse!

Years ago when living at home I used to share a room with my brother. Would take off the pillowcase and fart into it for 5-10 mins in the morn. Keep it sealed between farts and then I'd get it and shove it over his head while he was asleep.....ah those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end......

Will you marry me?

kfallon

jackiebaron wrote: »

Will you marry me?

I do Dutch Ovens too.........