Perfectionism....a real problem or not?

gwjones42

Hi folks,

I recently bought a book on this issue and have found that I can relate to a lot of the examples of thoughts and behaviours that are mentioned in it.

In fact it's been a revelation to me because up until now, I've often found myself exasperated at my seemingly inexplicable ability to make things hard for myself, to feel anxious about my performance in all areas of life and to criticise myself unmercilessly for my perceived failings and subsequent additional unhelpful behaviours, such as continually checking and rechecking my work, avoiding things like sports or even going out with my friends for fear of failing to meet my high standards for how I should perform or be perceived badly by them. I also often put off starting things out of desperation at how long I know it's going to take to do because I will have to do it perfectly.

Most of all, I'm tired of feeling like I have to appear unflappable, happy, and succesful to everybody in every situation which is followed by the inevitable thoughts of feeling like a fraud because I am in no way at all unflappable. I'm very flappable in fact!! (If that makes sense;)).

As I mentioned, I really find the ideas in the book make a lot of sense to me, however I feel a bit uneasy about letting myself engage too far with the treatment ideas it suggests, firstly because it involves a lot of naval gazing and focusing on myself.......when I sometimes feel that the solution to all "head" problems is to be found in spending more time with other people instead of solitary overthinking. My second issue is whether or not "perfectionism" is even really a condition that needs to be treated and isn't in fact just one of many personality types and that maybe I should just stop overthinking.

Advice would be greatly appreciated, especially if anyone here has experience of perfectionism either as a sufferer or has helped someone overcome it.

Thanks for reading!!

JuliusCaesar

Hi gwjones42, perfectionism is indeed real and is implicated in many presentations - depression, ocd, and low self-esteem amongst others. Not that I'm implying that you suffer from a disorder! One could look on it as a personality trait which might be acquired for whatever reasons.

In order to change anything, a person needs to pay attention to it first. You can't stop biting your nails unless you actually start becoming conscious of doing it, and see in what situations/moods etc you bit your nails. Same with perfectionism.

What book was it?

gwjones42

The main title is "Overcoming Perfectionism" (Imaginative!!). The byline is "A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques".....(which sounds much more psychological!!).

As I mentioned above, I've been reluctant to let myself get too carried away in my enthusiasm for this book. I'm also less than delighted to be labelling myself as "suffering" from anything.

However, the material in the book has at times felt like something I could have written about myself.......for example the case of a young American student who put so much pressure on himself to succeed in running that he overtrained, got injured, was too embarrassed to talk about it, gave up running and now...."has gradually lost contact with his running club and his friends as seeing them was a reminder for him that he was a failure with no friends and no outside interests". Substitute "running" for rugby and you've more-or-less got me.

This whole perfectionism thing really surprised me in how widespread and serious its consequences can be.....I just never joined the dots of my personal characteristics to recognise that it was a problem for me. (Those being: Extreme commitment initially to new activities followed by a gradual build-up of unease in myself that I'm not progressing as well as I should, followed by serious stress and anxiety. Later comes procrastination, when I put off doing the activity or even thinking about it until I absolutley have to. Lastly, I avoid it totally....feel like a cowardly loser, dwell on it for a while, hide from friends, make up a few stories to brush over what happened in a breezy kind of way, then reappear (metaphorically speaking) a while later pumped full of enthusiasm and hope for something new and the cycle begins again.

The most infuriating part about it is that when I look at myself analytically, I know I'm basically good at most things I do (not great but good because I care about doing things well)....it's just when other people are involved I feel I have to perform and meet what I perceive to be their expectations of me by raising my own expectations of myself ever higher and higher. Even now, I've edited this reply 4 times after re-reading it and seeing mistakes or wanting to rephrase certain ideas!


Sorry for the long post....that just kept on going!! But as I mentioned in the title "Cognitive Behavioural Techniques" are used in this book....do you have any info or opinions on it?? (I'm only up to chapter 7 at the moment and have finished outlining my behaviours/ thoughts etc... that lead to and stem from my perfectionism, but haven't begun implementing any strategies for fighting it).

Thanks!!

maryshan

Hi
I'm a CBT trained psychologist and you are on the right path with this book, I was going to recommend it on reading your 1st post before scrolling down. It is well worth trying to address being too perfectionistic, as while it is a very valuable trait, it can be hard for both yourself and othes close to you to live with. Taking too much time on something in order to have it 'perfect', can waste a lot of the limited time we've been given in life and waste the valuable skills you have - mind you this is something I have to work on myself everyday!
Best of Luck with it

Mary

Cróga

You might find these useful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQJQyeW-tYM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDMJp_yPQu4

Torakx

When i read that first post about perfectionism i was a bit suprised to see its one of my main issues.
I dont know the root of it though for sure.
I do have a theory if anyone can help verify it.
Ive been doing alot of personal reasearch related to the mind and the brain.
I figured out thanks to this website http://www.shamozzle.com/RightLeftBrainTest.html that i was right brain dominant.Later finding out i was roughly 67% right side dominant.
After reading up on it i started to see how i actually think about things compared to a left brain dominant.Lefts are dominated by linear processing where rights grab the info from all places at the same time.
Lefts are great for all the steps to goal and rights are great at seeing the whole thing at once or the bigger picture.
This recently helped me realise why i was having severe issues just going through the college websites and grants sites to see if i could even apply for a course.
I would have in my mind the overall goal of getting into a college course but unable to see the smaller details like going through a linear step by step process online.So i guess i need to do something different like writing out much much smaller goals to engage the left side.And literally forget about the bigger picture as i do so.

I also give up on alot of stuff for this reason also because i see the whole process up to the end and then see where i am now pretty much before i start and decide im not good enough to do it.
I dont know if its perfectionism or self criticism in my case but i think its possible being right side dominant i am seeing the big picture too much and the amount to accomplish those goals looks too much to chance risking my time.

Heres an interesting article on creativity with writers.

http://searchwarp.com/swa132494.htm

Four: Realize That Creativity Involves Anxiety

Unfortunately, creativity involves anxiety because you're using your right brain. Whenever you're using your right brain, researchers have found that you experience some anxiety. That's just the way it is. Your perfectionism is a desire to eliminate your anxiety. In the process, you may kill all the creativity in your work.

I suffer alot of anxiety.I think way too much and give up on things before i start because im afraid i cant do them properly or even get there.
Does anyone think im researching in the right direction to understand how i "tick".
I figure the more i understand the more i can re adjust myself to be more outgoing and get my life sorted out.

Ps. Is there any line of psychology training that deals alot with left and right brain functioning and changing peoples behaviour patterns on that basis?

JuliusCaesar

Torakx wrote: »

I dont know the root of it though for sure.
........I think way too much and give up on things before i start because im afraid i cant do them properly or even get there.
..........
I figure the more i understand the more i can re adjust myself to be more outgoing and get my life sorted out.

Ps. Is there any line of psychology training that deals alot with left and right brain functioning and changing peoples behaviour patterns on that basis?

There's a lot of nonsense on left/right brain stuff out there.

As a CBT therapist I wouldn't be too worried about the origins (which we cannot verify anyway, even if we make guesses), but I do worry about the coping. ie the doing. Thinking is often a curse though in many ways it is a blessing for humans. Remember we are judged by our deeds - and maybe we judge ourselves that way in the end too. What would your 90-year-old self make of your present self?

PS This isn't PI.

Torakx

That kind of sounds like you just focus on making the symptoms go away.
I guess with CBT its about re-training behavioural patterns.
So in that respect i understand if the situation is caused by a learned pattern of behaviour.
I guess i dont know enough about alot of therapies to say.
I just find it amazing that my personality and abilities closely match a right brain dominant as the tests told me.
If right and left brain dominants think and learn in a very different manor i thought that would be considered.