Missing the old me??

LegacyUser

Hi guys, going unreg for this one.

As the title says, I miss the old me, if that makes sense? I miss the person I used to be before life got turned upside down. I was at a gig last weekend and just heard myself singing along to a song, I realised my voice sounded different, I used to be constantly singing along to the radio, Ipod etc, could never bear to be quiet, now I never sing. I used to love driving having the music blaring and singing at full blast, now when I drive, Im thnking. I know this sounds stupid and trivial, but it hit me, so many aspects of me and my life are different, and strange and I don't like it.

I used to be so happy, sure Id have the bad times and life wasn't always rosy, but I was a happy person. Then a couple of years ago, things started to go wrong, within a couple of weeks I lost 3 people, my mother almost died. It was a case of trying to put one foot in front of the other and try to get through the days. Things gradually settled down, but since then, its just seemed to be constant loss. I've lost 2 of my best friends, and a good friend in the past couple of months, and currently another friend is passing away due to an illness diagnosed lately. Although I know it will be ease for my friend, Im finding it a struggle to prepare for the inevitable. I also lost the closest thing to a grandparent Ive ever had during this time and other less traumatic deaths have occured. Im sick of having "funeral clothes" to wear to funerals.

I thought I was doing well, and coping until last weekend at the gig. Now I see more and more comparisons between the old me, and the new me, and I want the old me back!! I want to laugh till I cry when something is funny, not laugh and have my laugh turn into sad tears (again, sorry this probably makes no sense) I want to think of happy occasions coming up and not think about people that will be missing from the celebrations. I want my friends back to help me celebrate my graduation this year. I want the people I love back and I want to be the real me again, not someone who replies 'yeah, Im grand' when people ask me how I am while secretly hoping someone will ask me 'No, REALLY, how are you?'

Oh god Im sorry for the massive post! It wasnt supposed to be this long, once I started I forgot how to stop. I sound like such a whinger, and I honestly dont mean to be, I guess im just tired tonight. I know Im blessed to still have people with me who love me and even more so to have had so many people in my life to have been loved by and to be aware of that love. I guess it just hurts when you have to say goodbye.
thanks for reading!

metrovelvet

I know exactly what you mean.

I dont know what to say to you other than I get it.

I want my old self back too. I was a lot nicer before it all happenned.

redhed35

you have had a lot of sadness to deal with,and it takes its toll.

i can make a few suggestions.

see a councillor,or life coach.

if money is short you should be able to get a list of coaches in your area,some in training need pro bono clients but are closely monitered by supervisors.

start a journal,log your feelings,goals,desires anything you want.

talk to your family,friends,instead of waiting to be 'seen' let them know first how your feeling.

do the things that used to make you happy,even if they feel odd,keep doing them.

exercise,walk,run, hit the gym,the benefits of exercise on the physical,mental and emotional are well documented.

volunteer in a shelter for animals,homeless or old folks home,giving back and being around people less fortunate can change the perspective on your life.

see your GP,to rule out depression.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies! Metrovelvet, Im sure your still a really nice person, don't knock yourself! But thank you for helping me feel more normal about how I feel. It's nice to think perhaps Im not going crazy!

Redhed, thanks for the reply. The strange thing is that I have been to a counseller, albeit for a different reason, but the grief and loss were addressed (or so I thought) during that time. Im lucky enough to work in a job I love In which I work with those who have problems far worse than mine and I truly do realise I am a very blessed and lucky person. The physical exercise however, is something that has struck a chord with me, and Its something that Ive been lacking lately. Good fresh air cant do me any harm anyway

I guess it's probably just a case of preparing myself (As best I can) for my friends passing has been bringing these feelings to the fore front again. but then again, the new awareness will be a good thing as Ill be able to do things to help myself. I really dont feel I have depression, although I can see that It does probably sound like that from the post! I think it was more a case of me having a weepy, poor me moment and having a little pity party for myself!

Thanks guys!! xx

princess-lala

@ Different person, I know exactly how you feel, I lost a few close people in a short space of time.

After they passed I changed totally, I didnt laugh until I cried anymore I laughed and felt guilty or cried about not being able to tell them what happened!

I hated the new me and wanted to go back to how I was before all this pain came into my life, basically theres no easy way of going back but I did see a councellor and to be honest it didn't help me but friends said it really helped them.

I hated not being able to tell people how I was really feeling so I started writing it down in a journal and reading over what I was writing and I felt able to open up then.

I can now talk so much more about what has happened even though I still have days I just want to crawl into bed and cry.

As for your friend all you can do is be there for them.

Hugs xxx

LegacyUser

Hi Princess-lala, thanks for the hugs!! Thats one of the things I miss most, so its greatly appreciated . I think I am going to try to make myself talk more to people about how I feel, I just find it hard to as I have different friends in different circles that wouldnt really know each other so none of my friends have known all my friends and family members that have passed away so I feel it I talk to a friend about someone they never knew, they just wont 'get' what Im talking about, and then I feel if I talk about a mutual friend that passed, Ill upset them! Aaaaaagh!!!! But screw em, I need my mates now, all of them so Im going to lean on them . As for being their for my friend, unfortunately thats all I can do, and having been through this before I know things are going to get pretty crappy, so thank for the support! xx