Some Funnies

MonkieSocks

I’ve just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas, and a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said: "I’ve not eaten for two days".

I told him: "I wish I had your fookin will-power".
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A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q.

Manager says: "Would you like a screw for that mirror?"

”No” she said, "But I’d suck your cock for a lawn mower".
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.

Apparently the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn’t meanwhat I thought it did.
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A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said:

"Sorry about the wait".

I said: "Don’t worry Fatso, you’ll lose it eventually".
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One of life’s great mysteries:-

How is it that a woman can fit a seven-inch vibrator into her half-inch fanny, IN THE DARK........

.... but she’s unable to fit an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD FOOKIN DAYLIGHT?
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Snow eh!

The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to myself "She’ll be fookin lucky with a face like that!"
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I have a new chat up line that works everytime!!

It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them.

Here’s how it goes: "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?

Does this damp cloth smell like Chloroform to you?"
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Years ago it was suggested "That an apple a day kept the doctor away".

But since all the doctors are now Muslims,

I’ve found that a :pac: bacon sandwich works a treat!

shawnee

Enjoyed those and hadn't heard them before, good start to the day and thanks.:D