Just Relapsed

Tender Hoop

As the title says I have just gone back on the sauce.

I was in rehab in January, got out and staying in Dublin for six months. I stayed sober for those six months, picking up my ****ing little medallions and everything. The work I do means I'm overseas all the time in a very boozy environment. I stayed at home in Dublin because I felt it would be best for my recovery not to go back to work straight away. But six months is a long time when you have a mortgage to pay with no job.

I started a job in Barcelona just last week and didn't last 4 days. Its totally fcuked up. I swore i wouldn't start drinking again and i admit now that i totally looked down on the people who i was in rehab with who had replased. I thought they were weak and foolish.

I have being going to AA for the last six months but I really have allot of issues with the "fellowship". For starters I don't believe in God, any God and do not want to. Some of the stuff was just plain creepy too. with saying that i did meet allot of nice genuine people.

My plan was to go to meetings in what ever city i was in at the time ( i travel allot) but after my first meeting here i walked out and straight into a pub. Just listening to the people share their 'experience strength and hope' made my skin crawl. The same words practically verbatim from people hundreds of miles away from where i last heard them. I just thought that "is this it"? Is this what I have to look forward to? Meeting strangers in a room and talking about a God (any God) i don't believe in and all the slogans over and over agin.

So I went and had a drink and guess what? The world didn't end. I'm not trying to say that I'm glad I'm back drinking again but after the first one I just thought to myself " what was all the fuss about" (cunning baffling I know). I'm am disappointed with myself, very disappointed. I don't know what to do now.

I have not gone nuts on the sauce but i have been drinking everyday since i started. Not going crazy but i know i soon will. I always do and I'm terrified. I have not control.

at the moment everything is going great with the the new job colleagues think I great and they all like a pint so i know i will probably get away with it for awhile but sooner or later i will completely loose it, I always do, and just not stop drinking morning noon and night.

I have such a terrible feeling of impending doom.

I guess I'm saying this here because i don't want to go to a meeting but i do to get my feelings off my chest.

Oh and there is no 'recovery' forum to discuss such things.

zero_nine

I'm gonna PM you in a minute.

bank

Hi Tender Hoop

I'm not actually surposed to be posting to this forum because I have said it is wrong and that we should have our own forum. Having said that old habits die hard and I came accross your post. First of all, regardless of what the world tells you about addiction, at the end of the day there really isn't any big monster in you telling you to keep drinking and yes you do have a choice right now.

Your job is important and so that may be your first priority. "So what" if you've drank in the last few days/weeks. When are you going back to work? Decide to get up on the morning of work feeling refreshed and good. That means no drinking the day before at least. We always have a choice. Lots of people (about 70% of irish people) make the choice to go out at the weekend to get drunk but that doesn't mean they are going to continue on monday morning.

Its their choice of how to spend their time and money. Ok perhaps to some people its not a particularly good or sensible thing to do but thats just other peoples opinion. If it affects others, then their opinion is extremely important. I'm just telling you, you have a choice and don't get hung up on what would they say in rehab.

Good luck. Keep your job and friends.

force majeure

Hi OP
I do not have much in the way off advice to offer up I'm afraid but as some one who relapsed a few times in the last 2 years all I can say is to find the extra gear you need to get back to where you know you want to be -in command off you actions-
I have never being a big fan off the AA myself but I am serious when I say you may find it off help to get yourself a counselor or therapist to talk to every week or 2 as thats what I am doing now and it helps in some ways, I'n not endorsing this just saying when you hit the skids one way back to to talk to some one who well listen to you rather than some one who only half listens [like some perhaps well meaning friend]
Good luck and do your best its all any one can do.
FM

grace201080

Hi, similar to other advice I think you should try to find other sources of support. There are loads of people on this forum you didnt feel that AA was for them. You may be able to access a psychologist or other therapist via your local health sevice. Also, you may be able to get support via a counselling service.

Dont give up ! Dont give up !

Good luck.

at the moment everything is going great with the the new job colleagues think I great and they all like a pint so i know i will probably get away with it for awhile but sooner or later i will completely loose it, I always do, and just not stop drinking morning noon and night.

That's the important part right there. Things might be ok now, but honestly, how many people have you heard of who have relapsed and came back saying "You guys don't know what you're missing, the craic is great out here".

You might be ok for a few weeks, or even months. Best is to cut the drinking out early. Because I'm sure you know the same old story - all your friends will be drinking buddies and you'll be having to make a new start somewhere else all over again.


Whatever happens just keep your head on your shoulders. You know AA and plenty of other programs will always be there. I totally understand how frustrations can occur with the slogans etc, they seem to make less and less sense after a few months when complex feelings and emotions are condensed into single "soundbite" sentences. Stay strong man and do keep us updated. Getting it all out will help alot I'm sure.

cue

Go back to meetings. Deal with the issues.
It works for some people, just like you. Why not ask them how?