Oh So Sudden...

The Sweeper

About 12 hours ago, I was talking to me da on Skype, he in Bray and me in Australia. He's 76, so he can be a bit vague sometimes anyway, and he was a bit vague in the call. My mum told me she was anxious about him because he hadn't seemed that well since they came back from a recent holiday (which they enjoyed very much).

A couple of hours after speaking to me, he walked up the stairs and collapsed in the bathroom with an aortic aneurysm. The paramedics spent an hour trying to stabilise him at home before they took him to the hospital, but he never regained consciousness. The doctor at the hospital called one of my brothers and asked him to make a decision because my mum couldn't (I also know she would have asked them to call my brother, because his wife is a cancer consultant and she feels he's the one who knows all things medical). They talked to a vascular consultant, who felt my dad's condition was too serious for them to operate.

He died very quickly, before any decisions were even made. My eldest brother tried to make it home from London in time, but my dad died as he was boarding his flight.

I'm trying to figure out whether or not I should go immediately, catch a plane and go to be with them, or whether I should wait and go later, for longer - so if I go tomorrow I might be able to go for 10 days or two weeks, but if I wait and get organised I could go for maybe three weeks or a month, and be company for my mum after the initial fuss and rush of visitors and relatives has slowed down and she's on her own.

I probably sound crazy, even considering not going immediately. Every 30 seconds I change my mind - it'll take me about a day and a half physically to get home, so I could conceivably be there quite quickly, in time for the funeral - dad wasn't religious, so it will just be the ceremony and he wanted to be cremated, plus he died so suddenly, there will have to be a post mortem, so there would be time enough for me to get back.

I'm so confused. I know it hasn't hit me yet. I'm just so glad I got to speak to him on Skype earlier, you've no idea.

I've drunk about seven cups of coffee since I got the call at 5.30am and I feel like spewing.

copacetic

Sorry to hear about your loss. It's your decision to make, and don't let anyone else except family influence your decision.

Having said that since you seem to be looking for external views, in my experience the first couple of weeks are the worst, so if you could be home for a fair amount of time and pretty much straight away then thats what I would do. Often it's the intial rush and the arrangements which are the worst for everyone, being together during that time can help everyone.

Nevyn

I know your inticts are to grab your passport and get the first plane but,
give how your Dad passed the funeral would normally be in the next week,
but it's the time after that which can be hard on family and esp your Mam.

After the funeral and the first two weeks life then returns to a horrible parody of 'normal'
and that can be the hardest thing to find the strength to keep going.

If delaying for 2/3 days still gets you home intime for the funeral but allows you to get leave from work and make what ever other arrangements are needed then I would suggest that you do that, as you will have more time to be there for your Mam and to be "home" to grieve yourself.

Sorry for your loss.

Lucy Lu

So very sorry to hear of you loss.

If you can, take the day or so, and if possible try and arrange to get back for a while. The next few days will be so numb for you all but the weeks after will be when you all need eachother.

If you miss the funeral, are you ok with that? We all find our own ways to say goodbye.

I dont envy you the long flight back, try and mind yourself too.

The Sweeper

I'm okay missing the funeral. The funeral will probably be low-key, and he wanted to be cremated. To me, the funeral is as important as getting the ashes back - so I'd be okay being there for either the funeral or the ashes and a ceremony to scatter his ashes. As a family where none of the three kids live in Ireland, we're very pragmatic about travel and finances. This means that once mum's slept for a while and gotten her head together, my eldest brother will weigh up the pros and cons with her, of me being there versus me missing the funeral but being with her later when life is back to normal.

To give you an idea of time frame, I'm literally considering waiting for three or four weeks and going over for about three weeks then. I do need to talk this through more with my family though - the eldest will be with mum for a week or ten days, and the next one down will follow that with maybe two or three weeks of a visit - then either of them may suggest bringing mum back over to stay with them for a while.

Lucy Lu

The Sweeper wrote: »

I'm okay missing the funeral. The funeral will probably be low-key, and he wanted to be cremated. To me, the funeral is as important as getting the ashes back - so I'd be okay being there for either the funeral or the ashes and a ceremony to scatter his ashes.

If this is what you are ok with maybe it is the way to go, and as you also said you need to speak it all through with your family. And hopefully you can come up with a logical plan that is comfortable with you all.

Right now you are in shock and everything is up in the air. I hope in the coming hours you can decide what to do. There is no right or wrong, just what is best for you and others round.

The Sweeper

Trust me, I'll make a decision to go home for three weeks in about a month's time, I'll be set with that, I'll have organised work around it, and I'll have one conversation with mum and drive to the airport.

There's no right or wrong, I understand that - but if I'm honest with myself, there's no decision either. There's just family.

Deki

I am sorry for your loss. If you have no problem with waiting then discuss it with your family, Remember that funerals and memorials aren't really for the dead but for the living. Make sure your family doesn't need you, otherwise take your time.

Einhard

Jesus, I'm so sorry OP. I have a lump in my chest reading your post. For what it's worth, I think it's important that the whole family is there for the funeral. It's important that the family grieve together, and it also helps with the grieving process. That's my experience anyway. If there are other family members in Ireland, then your mother needn't be alone after every the initial fuss, even if you're not able to be home. I also think that you'll personally regret not being able to attend the funeral and say goodbye to your dad with all your friends and family. Just my 2c. Again, so sorry....

Deki

I think I wasn't very clear in my post. In my case I needed my family. I needed their strength to help me, but every family is different. I think I needed the funeral to make it seem real to me. So, only you know what you need, but be sure it's what your family needs too. And if it is fine.

The Sweeper

Thanks for the input guys. There are no other close family members in Ireland. My mum relied heavily on my dad. When my brothers go home to their respective homes in the UK and Scotland, my mum's on her own. Hence I'm thinking about going over later.

Deki

You know what's best and I'm so glad you got to talk to him when you did. I think that will be a comfort to you always.

paperclip2

Sorry for your loss OP.
If it was me I would do what I thought my dad would prefer me to do.
Take care.

The Sweeper

hey guys

I'm flying in for the funeral and staying for four weeks. Am now looking forward to seeing all of my family. Thankfully my job have been really understanding about this which is great.

We'll give my dad and good sendoff, and my mum as much support as we can.

Thanks for all of your input. No doubt I'll be back as it hits me again.

Nevyn

Safe journey, hopefully you will feel better when you get to see them all.

Deki

The Sweeper wrote: »

hey guys

I'm flying in for the funeral and staying for four weeks. Am now looking forward to seeing all of my family. Thankfully my job have been really understanding about this which is great.

We'll give my dad and good sendoff, and my mum as much support as we can.

Thanks for all of your input. No doubt I'll be back as it hits me again.

I'm glad it's worked out this way. Safe trip - my thoughts are with you and your family.

metrovelvet

Yes me too. It's the best possible scenario. Safe journey.

copacetic

That's good to hear, you have everything covered as well as you can.

Silverfish

The Sweeper wrote: »

hey guys

I'm flying in for the funeral and staying for four weeks. Am now looking forward to seeing all of my family. Thankfully my job have been really understanding about this which is great.

We'll give my dad and good sendoff, and my mum as much support as we can.

Thanks for all of your input. No doubt I'll be back as it hits me again.

I'm glad this worked out. I am so sorry for your loss.

Safe journey.

The Sweeper

Okay, well the funeral is over.

I can safely say that this morning was the worst since he died - between then and now I've been so busy, spent 30 hours travelling, and then got in, wrote the eulogy, rewrote the eulogy, rewrote it again, chose the music, downloaded it from iTunes, put it on my iPod, then had the funeral, saw my father laid out, and delivered the eulogy.

This morning, there was nothing left to distract me from the enormity of what's happened, and I've been just so sad since I woke up at 5.30am.

Deki

The Sweeper wrote: »

Okay, well the funeral is over.

I can safely say that this morning was the worst since he died - between then and now I've been so busy, spent 30 hours travelling, and then got in, wrote the eulogy, rewrote the eulogy, rewrote it again, chose the music, downloaded it from iTunes, put it on my iPod, then had the funeral, saw my father laid out, and delivered the eulogy.

This morning, there was nothing left to distract me from the enormity of what's happened, and I've been just so sad since I woke up at 5.30am.

Yes it's when it's over and taken care of that it begins to sink in. Sometimes it helps to just let the sadness flow, You have a right to be sad.

alabaster

So sorry for your loss. It has been eight years since I suddenly lost my precious dad and its still as raw as ever

Deki

I think it never really goes away. You hear a joke or a film comes out you know he'd love and the lump comes up in your throat and the tears well up in your eyes. You remember all the things you shared and you think of all the things you never got around to doing or saying- and it's all fresh again. It does get better - wailing is under control. Tears aren't accompanied by facial contortions. You can function - life goes on. I don't really want to forget, although there is an empty place somewhere around my heart, I need to remember. I welcome the dreams - in them he's always well. Each feels like a gift to be cherished. It never goes away but it becomes something you can deal with, but the missing him stays.

metrovelvet

Its when the formalities are over, and the mourners all go home, that the silence descends and swells, and your left with the starness of their absence.

The regrets march in, the habits are still there, the dreams assault you. And this goes on for a while. Grief hits at the most random times and hard.

But it does get better, not for a while but it does.

Try to eat, even if its just soup. And take sometime for you.

Daisy Steiner

Are you ok The Sweeper?

I hope you are.

Daisy.

Deki

*hugz* me too.:)

ToniTuddle

Terribly sorry for your loss Sweeper. I hope you are holding up ok.

The Sweeper

Hey all

Things I have learned:

Go home for the funeral. While I still wish I could be here for longer for my mother, and also wish someone else would be here for her in the month of September when I go back to Australia, it was very, very important to me to be at my father's funeral.

When you live abroad, you may be in my position - I was every so slightly bereaved the day I emigrated, and have been learning to cope with that for years, with not seeing my family every day, or even every year. Subsequently I'm not missing my father any more than I would normally miss him, which is a very different experience than it would be for someone who had their late parent in their life every day.

The morning after the funeral was the saddest morning of my life.

There is another stage of mourning ahead of me; the stage where I travel back to my own home and go about my daily life, whereupon the missing piece, the gap, will become very evident to me all over again. It's still to come, and I'm wary of it.

It is never, but always, too early to try and remember the happy times. I think they may always be tinged with sadness, but currently we embrace it and alternate the laughter with tears. The storms of weeping pass, though, leaving you with a sort of tired leaking from the eyes that hardly feels tied to emotion at all.

Generally, though, in practical terms, we are well; coping, living, going about our daily business and coordinating all of the posthumous paperwork required when someone dies. Getting on with it, in other words.