GF left me to have affair with another woman after ten years

LegacyUser

OP, about sexuality, people are not either this or that. Don't be confused with the terms bi, hetero, homo etc.

Many scholars who studied human sexuality would suggest that we all are on a continuum line. Some people are having more tendency to be attracted by the same sex. Some people are by opposite sex. We have tendency and ability to be attracted by and physically aroused by both sex. Sex can be a physical pleassure. If you once allowed yourself to experience the pleassure (from the same sex) and s/he hits the buttons, you rejection to it would be lessened. Love can be 'unisex'. So, sex and love to the same sex is possible for any one if there is no social / moral pressure etc.

I have a friend (guy) who is in a relationship with a woman. He likes men also and did enjoy the sexual contact with men. He wants family and he does not want to put himself in the pressure from society, so he would prefer to be with a woman for his life. And he said tho he likes men, once he is in a relationship with the woman, he would just have sex with her, no other people (unless she is happy with an opened relationship, then he may consider that). If things dont work out, then he would break up with her and then enjoy the single fun with whoever he wants.

I understand you have 10 years investment in your relationship and I agree don't cut it that easily if she is willing to work on this with you. But do recognise that she has betrayed you, no matter it's because of a man or a woman. Cheating with a woman on you does not make it less serious.

Also, I guess because she said she does not want to have relationship with her, so it gives you hope that she would come back after she having fun. Can you let her having fun for six months? Can you have fun yourself too this six months? Is this a relationship you want (break for six months and have fun with others and get back)?

Someone said she is at least honest with you. But well, she should be honest with you once she feels she wants to explore, but not until she has done the deed for a good few times. But maybe she thinks it's with a woman and that makes her feels it's a less serious crime just as you think.

If she cheated on you with a man, what would you do? Break it up? Ask her to stop and work on the relationship together? Have a break both and both go and have some fun with others and then see how things go?

No matter what, asking you to wait (but not allow you to have fun) is not a fair option.

All the best.

sbsquarepants

OP - are you mental?
I wouldn't give her an hour, let alone 6 months.
It makes no difference that this is another woman, would you take her back after 6 months with another bloke?
Dump her, move on, deep down you know thats the right thing to do, though i fully appreciate it is hard after 10 years, but fact is SHE seems to be managing to do it!
Don't let someone take your dignity like that, don't be her safety net there if the grass turns out not to be greener! Either way you'll feel like s'hit, whether she stays away or comes back. This relationship is dead, mourn it for however long it takes and move on with your head held high. It's a kick in the nuts, but you will survive!
Best of luck

LeahK

Hi OP,

Dont know whether this is any use to you or not but your story rang a bell when I read it..

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1296628/Scientists-say-more-women-changing-sexuality-mid-life-Can-really-true-And-whats-emotional-cost.html

Zen65

walking cliche wrote: »

I may well walk, I may not.

If I walk, it will be a reasoned decision based on all the circumstances, not principle as many here advocate. If I go it will be forever without regret. I may not get a choice, I may not give her one.

If we were to sort this out, it would have to be under the strictest of conditions, and I can alway walk if I feel they are not being honoured. Either way I want no regrets.

It seems on the face of it that you have a firm grasp of your own position, and your analysis is more reasonable than many of the posters. Somebody who has not put 10 years of effort into a relationship might find your approach strange, but it is like building a house with your bare hands; if it starts to fall over you will not abandon it unless you know for sure it cannot be repaired. That is how dedication to a cause affects the heart.

I do understand why you see this infidelity as different to a situation to her having an affair with a man. The woman who has left you for this affair is not the same as the woman you shared a decade with, it is the other her who is taking the lead now. Clearly your partner is bisexual, but may not have admitted this to herself up to now. As someone rightly said here already, we are all somewhere between heterosexual and homosexual, and sometimes it surprises us just how near to the centre we are, or have become.

Your partner is exploring whether this is the real her or not. Whether this new woman she may have become can be happier than the woman who ran her life for the last 10 years. You have given her the freedom to examine this, and maybe, if she realises this lifestyle is not really going to make her happy, she might return to you with a greater love and admiration for your strength and patience for allowing her to find out who she really is.

I would not expect this to be the outcome, though. I believe that in breaking a 10-year relationship to embrace this other relationship your partner has already evaluated the situation, a little, and thinks there may be a greater happiness with this woman. Unfortunately in 6 months the excitement may still be high, and she may not be ready to end it. In 2 or 3 years she may think she has made a mistake, and by then you will have moved on.

Yes, your life has been messed about. Yes, you have shown determination above the ordinary by the approach you have taken. Yes it will all work out, one way or another, and to that end you should prepare yourself for the possibility that you will move on to another relationship. Find social outlets that may help you in this regard; make new friends or take up a new hobby. Don't spend 6 months just watching the drama unfold.


Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

Thanks Leah
Thanks Zen

Can't give thanks the normal way as I am posting anon

Just had a brief conversation with my ex, and her levels self absorption are off the scale even by her standards. She was a great person, now I wonder where that person is gone.:(



WC

hightower1

OP I feel for you man, it must be an absolute trainwreck of emotions your in!

In short though think of this from her point of view....

If you for instance were attracted to a man, slept with him, got gratification from it and liked it (just hypotetically) could you then turn to herself and ask for 6 months to continue with this sexual gratification and keep her in reserve?

I would imagine your response now is "no way in hell" .... and there is your answer to all this and her. She is unfaithful to you and that is that. Its is very very hard to admit when this is the case wether it involves same sex or not.

You will always try to find and grasp at straws for ways that "they didnt mean it" or "we can work it out" but thats all this is now. You need to accept that this has happened, you have been betrayed and THEN you can start to settle your head a bit. (not move on but just get some peace first)

Head held high bro, its tough like no other but I am sure you will be wiser for it.

LegacyUser

Op I feel for you. I agree with some of the other posters re: a continuum of sexuality and it absolutely does not matter if she's left you for a woman or a man. She's left you for another person. I'm not one for labels and whether she wants to label herself or not is her business, but the fact remains she's involved with a woman, it may be something she just wants to briefly explore, it may be a part of her she wishes to continue exploring. Nobody can know that except her.

She obviously feels something very strong for this woman, she must because telling you about it and actively exploring those feelings....it's would be a big decision to make for anybody.

That she's holding you in the balance, waiting for her to decide if she wants this woman for keeps is horrible behaviour and no matter how confused she is about what she wants it's no way to treat a partner of 10 years. Trust is the basis of any relationship and will be missing if she comes back to you after 6 months... and it's a hard thing to re-build if it has been lost.

S23

This is genuinely one of the most shocking posts I've read on here. I feel for you. Really I do. I can only imagine what kind of headf*ck this is for you.

The way she is treating you is absolutely shocking. I understand you don't want to just bolt after a 10 year realtionship with a person you love(d). You seem to have a decent grip of where you stand and I get that emotions play a big part in that.

However, I'd just echo what others have already stated. She left you and nothing changes that fact. Man, woman, straight, bi, lesbian, whatever. She left your 10 year relationship to be with someone else. Also the 6 month thing is ridiculous. To expect you to be emotionally on hold and waiting judgement or the outcome of this is unreal. I know you love her but her selfishness is way off the charts.

And this bull**** of keeping secrets for her. Shes an adult and as such is responsible for her actions. If someone asks you what happend you certainly don't have to divulge any information if you don't want to but I would certainly urge you not to lie on her behalf. Don't get drawn into the gameplaying she has instigated. If she can't live with or face up to the whats shes doing its her own hard luck. Don't get involved in it.

Anyway, you seem to be pretty level headed and grounded and I'm hopeful you'll straighten your head out and tell her to go and take a running jump. She doesn't sound a very pleasant person. Masking her behaviour behind the excuse of 'exploring' or needing to find herslf is bulls*it. Shes using your kind nature and the fact you are in love with her to string you along.

I hope you sort your head out and get through this as soon as humanly possible. You're still young and theres plenty of time to bounce back and have a healthy long term relationship with someone else. Just don't expect to feel better about it overnight

astra2000

walking cliche wrote: »

Just had a brief conversation with my ex, and her levels self absorption are off the scale even by her standards. She was a great person, now I wonder where that person is gone.:(



WC

OP I feel really sorry for you this is a horrible position for you to be put in. Is it possible your gf is enjoying the drama of all this i.e two people in love with her and she does not know whom to choose. It does sound as if she is hedging her bets and not treating either you or the other lady with respect it is all about her.You need to take a step back from her and give yourself space. I urge you to think of the long term implications should she decide its you she wants. Would you ever truly be able to trust her even if you could forgive? If all of this behaviour is out of caracter would it give you cause to wonder what else she could be capable of doing in the future? Its great that you are so willing to work on your relationship but the sad fact is that your girlfriend has decided that pursuing her feelings for this girl is more important than the relationship you two have. OP I think you sound like a really great guy and you deserve better than this. It is so hard on you not only are you faced with losing your gf but all the plans ye had made marriage and kids but please dont think that if you cant have them with your gf you will never have them, you are young and have plenty of time to move on or sort out your relationship . I am just wondering and I am probably wrong but has your girlfriend been taking any drugs/ steroids or antidepressants recently that may have causes a change in her personality? And by this I do not mean the fact that she is having a relationship with someone of the same sex, I mean the fact that she appears to have had a drastic change in personality. best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks Astra,

Pressures of job, and at a crossroads with a few things, but no drugs, head injuries etc etc

WesternNight

Moomoo1 wrote: »

incidentally, why did you wait for 10 years before getting married?

katie99 wrote: »

May I ask why you never married having been together since college?
Is this your first relationship?
Ten years is a very long time without getting married.

For a variety of reasons, not everyone wants to get married. Doesn't mean they can't have life-long relationships though. It doesn't mean there's anything *wrong* with the relationship, necessarily.

OP, it sounds like you're better off without her at this stage if she's changing as a person as well as everything else.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks WesternNight