Competition - with your best friend!

MessyRoom

I love my best friend - we're always out together - mainly the two of us but we have a wider circle of friends too so we have great craic every night we're out tbh!
Unfortunately I always feel there's competition between us - particularly regarding fashion and mainly weight! Just wondering if any other ladies find this with their bfs!

The Big Red Button

No. I really don't experience this, with any of my friends, thankfully.

Can I ask, as a matter of interest, what age are you?

MessyRoom

21, my bf is 22. I know your prob thinking its an immaturity thing but honestly I would consider myself a mature 21 year old! Its not that this competition is voiced just I feel it sometimes when we're chatting for example -
Me: ''When I went for a walk today I met such a person....''
BF: ''You went for a walk... how far did you go? I did no exercise today...''
Ignoring the whole story!! And she the proceeds to exercise the next day and come back and tell me!

Ickle Magoo

MessyRoom wrote: »

21, my bf is 22. I know your prob thinking its an immaturity thing but honestly I would consider myself a mature 21 year old! Its not that this competition is voiced just I feel it sometimes when we're chatting for example -
Me: ''When I went for a walk today I met such a person....''
BF: ''You went for a walk... how far did you go? I did no exercise today...''
Ignoring the whole story!! And she the proceeds to exercise the next day and come back and tell me!

Well, you may be a mature 21 but your friend sounds like an immature 22.

Ectoplasm

Without wanting to sound completely condescending, I do think this is something that is more prevalent when you are in your late teens early twenties. It is normal enough. People do judge themselves by their peers and at that age, when you are still discovering who you are, your friends can be a good barometer of where you 'should' be. It's not the end of the world unless it is damaging - causing problems between you and your friend. As you get older, you just get more secure in yourself and stop comparing yourself to others to the same degree.

That said, it doesn't completely stop. Some women I know still behave like this, but they are not my friends. In fact, I avoid this as much as possible.

I am competetive myself, and I'm in my early 30s. The thing is, now, I compete overtly and about things that are much more important, such as career goals or getting good marks on an assignment. Also, for the most part, I'm competing with myself - to do better than I've done before.

rainbow kirby

I can honestly say I've never had this issue - and for that, I'm thankful, because it would annoy the crap out of me.

That said, my best female friend is very different from me so we don't have a whole lot to be competitive about!

Novella

My best friend is a guy so I don't have this problem at all, and my closest female friend - nah, don't feel that there is any competition between us either. It'd actually really get me down if I felt that in a friendship and tbh, I doubt I'd be staying friends for very long.

MessyRoom

EMF2010 wrote: »

It's not the end of the world unless it is damaging - causing problems between you and your friend.

I wouldn't call it damaging by any means thank God! In fairness we both confide in each other with everything and I would honestly say we have a great relationship!

Its just a bit annoying ! Glad to see no one else in this position tho ! Thanks for the replies!

princess-lala

I have friends that there would be competition with but never on my part! I'm me and thats that!

I wouldn't be a similar weight to any of my friends thank god but if I get new clothes or anything there could be some competition to look better! I don't care for that side of a friendship though!

I'm also 25 and these sort of friendship problems have lessened through the years thank the lord

Lia_lia

Haha, no. Never really experienced this.

nukinfuts

Christ, I'm currently experiencing this and I'm in my late twenties! can't understand it, though I'm distancing myself from these "friends" as it is. You'll be surprised how some people will compete over engagements/buying houses/and even how many holidays a year they take. Its sad and petty, stems from insecurity with their own lives and achievements.
I understand where you're coming from though OP, for example I have a "friend" who will only get in contact when something wonderful is happening in her life - when she asks how my life is going, if I mention something at all worthwhile she'll completely ignore it, won't email/text back for days until she feels it's forgotten about. Sad but true.
I think there's two ways you can handle it, confront it head on or distance yourself - it depends on what the friendship is worth to you!

kkcatlou

I'm 30, and with my friends it's a competition re: who's the busiest, most stressed, most undervalued, most overworked....like seriously, get a life!!

In fairness, the recession has forced some people to ease off, but it's made some people worse.

If people want to be competitive, there's a lot more fun things to be competitive about.

Every time we meet up, or someone sends a group email, the first 5-10 minutes are always spent by people outdoing each other on the busy-ness scale!

Sounds crap with your friend OP, but just don't get in on the competitiveness, just go back to your original story, and look vacantly away when she tries to start a competitive conversation. it's so easy to get started, especially when you know you are winning, but it just makes for boring conversation and feeling frustrated!!

Cadyboo

MessyRoom wrote: »

Me: ''When I went for a walk today I met such a person....''
BF: ''You went for a walk... how far did you go? I did no exercise today...''
Ignoring the whole story!! And she the proceeds to exercise the next day and come back and tell me!

I have a friend similar to this, Id tell her I went for a walk and I would actually hear the oddness in her voice when she replies, she would then go for two walks the next day and ring to tell me.
I got engaged last year, (we have no wedding plans in the foreseeable future) and another so called friend never text or rang to congratulate me. She herself has been engaged for a few years and has a child. Now everytime she texts me the first thing she says is, so any wedding plans! It is so annoying and at the start I was explaining, no, not at the moment want to save, house etc. But then I got sick of it, so now I say, No what about yourself, sure your engaged a good while now! I know its childish but I cant help it.

MJOR

that happens a lot i think, it doesn't happen in my circle really to be honest though but i see my friends soing it with their other friends, particularly about kids etc.

elleburp

I'm not a competitive person so when an old school buddy started reminiscing about the past and how we were in competition with each other in swimming lessons and maths classes...... I was a bit taken aback. We hadn't been too close since we were in school and now I don't really have much to do with her anymore, couldn't be doing with people who are always trying to get one up on me. Funny thing was she generally seemed to lose these competitions so I think that's why she thought they were real. Sad. Very very sad. She thinks we've drifted apart because I'm jealous, she can think what she wants so long as it helps her sleep at night, silly girl. She thinks everyone's jealous of her, even her parents are jealous - she reckons that why they ask her to do chores around the house.

honestly, some people are just.... I dunno

Scarinae

I used to be friends with a girl in school, I'll call her L. L's best friend was a girl I didn't know so well, S, and the two of them were pretty much inseparable (I had some classes with L that S wasn't in, and L went the same way as me to go home, otherwise I probably would never have had a chance to talk to her). From L's accounts, S seemed really possessive of her as a friend, but also saw everything as a competition between them - who got a higher mark on an exam? Who had eaten less that day? L told me that S used to even make her stand on a scales so that she could see who weighed less - which to be honest was pretty stupid, since L was absolutely tiny. It didn't seem to bother L much though, it would have driven me mental.

Incidentally, I found out a few years later that S was being treated for anorexia, I'm not that surprised

Catari Jaguar

I had a really close friend that was a model and is now on TV, just all round gorgeous & perfect. I'm busty and it was like the only thing I had of a decent feature and she was jealous so would tease me over them or put me down if I was getting attention from guys (on a rare occasion that she wasn't) It was really sad that (to me) she had EVERYTHING and I had this one thing and I couldn't have it. She was pretty toxic so we're not friends anymore.

I don't get competetive but I get a bit hard on myself as in "What have I done with my life?" My friends finished college before me (I took a year out cos failed a module) People from my year that I had known would post up their graduation pics and then their photos from Thailand or Oz for wherever they were for the year and I felt so left behind and a failure... In the end I unfriended them and it did me good. FB is just for how you want people to "perceive" your life. It's probably not as great in reality though.

Life is a race but in the end the only one in it is you.

Maple

It's funny that this has been brought up, it's something that I was thinking about over the past few days after a couple of encounters with various friends.

I'm not a competitive person, i've got seven siblings and we're all very encouraging of one another. All our corners were knocked off during childhood, the only competition was for the bathroom in the morning. As a result I tend to try and big up a friend rather than put myself ahead of them.

In the past two weeks, i've noticed two different friends act competitively. It's baffling. One was in a social situation whereby my mate just shouted me down, orchestrated the conversation so that she was constantly in the limelight. I mean, I was actually physically manoeuvred into the background while she monopolised our mutual friend. It was something i'd seen happen with this friend before, but I thought she'd left it behind her. Obviously not. I know it's all to do with her insecurities, she wants people to like her but it still baffles me.

The second is a single mate of mine, we're both single, we would both like a boyfriend, but I snogged this guy at the weekend and her only comment was to let her know if he texted me. Because only then would it be valid or something. I've kissed guys and she's very quick to dismiss it. Whereas the rest of my single mates would be avid for the gory details, how handsy was he, would I actually see him again, etc.

I just find it puzzling, I think we all shine in our own individual way, I don't understand why you would want to hide the light of your friend.

princess-lala

Maple - thats women for ya!

Ive had the same with friends of mine where two of us may be single and they want to outshine me!

I'd be quite happy for a friend to get a man but when I'm being pushed to the back - no thanks!

Do men have these issues with other men?

dammitjanet

I was always in competition with my best friend in secondary school- we'd all the same interests- art, music, our tastes in men. If I did better in Math, she'd do better in English. When I found out I'd gotten into NCAD she asked me why would I go to UCD with her and get a "real degree" :rolleyes:

Needless to say a fight emerged over a man and we never spoke again. She added me as a friend on facebook though :rolleyes: *limited profile*

Eve_Dublin

Without sounding all smug (which I know I do), I can honestly say this is not an issue for me and my best friend. I'm 30, she's 29 and we've been best friends since our early teens. Lucky for us we still get along fantastically. She's been the same weight for the past 10 years....tall and slim with the best legs to come out of North County Dublin and I always remind her how great she looks and visa versa. We're two very different shapes so it wouldn't make sense to compare. I don't think either of us are unhappy with how we look overall and this obviously helps. I'm genuinely happy for her for everything she's achieved (she started her own business in the past year)and I only wish good things for her and I get the impression she feels the same about me.

She's still my best friend for a very good reason. I don't think I could handle competitiveness among friendships. Were two different people with different goals and desires...perhaps if there was more cross over we'd have problems.