Online Dating

movingtotheuk

Nor sure what to do. If i lie she will still see im online - maybe i could block her and she might just think ive deactivated my account.

Telling her the truth would be very tough. I don't think anyone out there would want to hear that.

Storminateacup

If she didn't have a pic up in the first place I'd imagine she was pretty self concious the way she looked, in the first place?

Usually Id say be straight up and honest, but I think being honest "I don't find you attractive" without even meeting her, is verging on cruel.

I'd personally recommend to continue talking to her, texting her, whatever it is you're doing, but do it less. Subtley less, and it'll fizzle out.

stupidusername

Except I didn't say to say I dont find you attractive,i said to say she's not his type,which is the truth,and is perfectly logical. As a person with low self esteem I think that's the best answer you can give. Its not saying there's anything wrong with you,not fobbing you off when you're likely to find out you were lying,and isn't an insult. People have different types,it's understandable.

If you go continuing to talk,you're giving the impression you're interested and that's hardly nice,when you're then just going to stop replying. Anyone who has experienced that with someone the like will know how confusing it is.

Putsch

Storminateacup wrote: »

If she didn't have a pic up in the first place I'd imagine she was pretty self concious the way she looked, in the first place?

Usually Id say be straight up and honest, but I think being honest "I don't find you attractive" without even meeting her, is verging on cruel.

I'd personally recommend to continue talking to her, texting her, whatever it is you're doing, but do it less. Subtley less, and it'll fizzle out.

+1
Reply to emails expressing less and less interest. It is still an honest approach - you're being polite but subtlely and gradually showing your lack of interest.

Mark27

WHy dont you just write to her and tell her you got back with your ex girlfriend? Simple!

Lost Accent

movingtotheuk wrote: »

In a terrible dilemma here.

Being chatting/texting to this girl for the last two weeks. I just got a photo last night (she already had seen mine) and i have zero interest now. I have no interest in hurting her feelings so im not sure what to do. Bit obvious to just start ignoring her now immediately after the photo. In fact I imagine i am supposed to say something back to the photo.

Thoughts?

This is a horrible situation to be in. However if there is no attraction then you need to tell her. I think you just need to accept that you are going to hurt her feelings but it's only fair to be honest. It's never nice and her confidence will be a bit hurt but it's not fair to say you've got back with an ex or ignore her in the hope she gets the message. That is more hurtful in my opinion. You can't control how she will react but you can control your own behaviour. Good luck!

Mark27

In all fairness most of the girls on those websites are mingers, youre hardly going to give this much thought and beat yourself up everytime a girl that you dont fancy sends you a picture?

Either tell her you got back with your ex or just blank her!


And for Pete's sake...Man up!!

parker kent

Mark27 wrote: »

WHy dont you just write to her and tell her you got back with your ex girlfriend? Simple!

He will still be online and she will see through the the obvious lie and will thus be hurt even more than if he was honest to begin with. Telling bare faced, half-brained lies is never the way to go. Be a grown up and tell the truth.

Also I would say that a picture is not always indicative of what the person looks like. Some people use really bad pictures, so you never know. Obviously there are pictures where you genuinely recognise that you will not find the person attractive too.

Pembily

Mark27 wrote: »

In all fairness most of the girls on those websites are mingers !!

How's internet dating working for you???? Not very well I would imagine with that attitude...

movingtotheuk

parker kent wrote: »

He will still be online and she will see through the the obvious lie and will thus be hurt even more than if he was honest to begin with. Telling bare faced, half-brained lies is never the way to go. Be a grown up and tell the truth.

Also I would say that a picture is not always indicative of what the person looks like. Some people use really bad pictures, so you never know. Obviously there are pictures where you genuinely recognise that you will not find the person attractive too.

I've got two pictures and i am definitely not interested. I am so annoyed now really being in this moral dilemma. I don't even know this person. I've only being on the thing about 3 weeks, paid for it and now all I've got is a headache.

Im guessing her self-esteem is low - she is in contact quite a lot.

I do appreciate people saying honesty is the best path but life is not black and white. I feel a lie here would be best for herself.

What is i just block her??? She might think I've just quit as I've gotten back with an ex?

movingtotheuk

Lost Accent wrote: »

This is a horrible situation to be in. However if there is no attraction then you need to tell her. I think you just need to accept that you are going to hurt her feelings but it's only fair to be honest. It's never nice and her confidence will be a bit hurt but it's not fair to say you've got back with an ex or ignore her in the hope she gets the message. That is more hurtful in my opinion. You can't control how she will react but you can control your own behaviour. Good luck!

How do you see it that way? Elaborate? I was planning on saying i met my ex,we have a long history and now we are giving it another go. She would probably just think 'oh well'.

As opposed to being devastated as someone saying you are not attractive to me.

Mark27

Yes but chatting to someone on a website, whos picture you havent even seen yet is problady the lowest level of interaction between a guy and a girl. Its not like he went out on a date with her and does'nt want to see her again and wants a nice way out of it.

The OP does'nt owe this girl anything and nor does she. Who cares if she sees he is online? Thats her problem and if she had'nt waited two weeks to send her pic (why a guy would wait that long for a pic in the first place is beyond me) then this situation would not be even happening

Plus, for all the OP knows she could be in some guys bed right now.


Having a great time since i just POF last week. Here ya can have a look at my profile if your a girl!

http://www.pof.com/member28631471.htm

tink2

Erm she's never met you so she's not exactly going to be broken hearted if you don't like her! It's online dating just don't reply back to her she'll understand what that means. I think honesty is fine after having a date but I'm not invested at all after just chatting to a guy online.

timewilltell

C.D. wrote: »

Ps. Anyone got any dates lined up? I have D3 and D4 today and tomorrow, busy weekend!

Timewilltell how many did he drink? If he was teetotal your story would become very entertaining?

No he did drink, he had a good few pints..

Oh god the shame, at one point I could not stop talking!

Mark27

Parker_Kent: How can you waffle on about hurting her feelings by blanking her or by telling her you got back with an ex, when you are telling the OP he should tell her the truth and not hurt her.

ANd whats the truth, sorry love i think your ugly and im not attracted to you?

Of course you lie in these situations!!

hollypink

Is it really so difficult to be honest (with a little tact?). I would prefer a message like 'you seem like a lovely girl but I dont think we're suited, best of luck with your search' which would sting a little but far better than someone obviously lying (I got back with my girlfriend even he's still online), or contining to message but less frequently, or just being blocked, out of nowhere.

And I fail to see how lying about a girlfriend or blanking someone is "manning up".

Mark27

Yea but hollypink in fairness they were suitable and chatting away up until she sent him the pic?

Now suddenly they are not suitable anymore? Its pretty obvious he is dropping her because of the pic.

I think the softest letdown is that you got back with your ex. As soon as she hears that she should loose interest anyway, and you can block her then! Dont for gods sake tell her she is ugly and youre not into her, even im not that bad!

parker kent

movingtotheuk wrote: »

What is i just block her??? She might think I've just quit as I've gotten back with an ex?

She'll see that you are online, she just won't be able to contact you. Double the hurt. Just say thanks, but no thanks. It's not secondary school, just grow up and get it over with. I've had to do it myself in the past and girls have done it to me. It's far better than the alternative.

hollypink

Mark27 wrote: »

Yea but hollypink in fairness they were suitable and chatting away up until she sent him the pic?

Now suddenly they are not suitable anymore? Its pretty obvious he is dropping her because of the pic.

Yes its obvious what it means but I just think its a tactful way to put it. I really disagree with your suggested approach, it delivers the same message as mine ( because she will probably see him online and know he lied) but I think its a bit cowardly. I also think its unnecessary. Most girls know not everyone is going to find them attractive, they wont fall apart if someone says it to them (in a nice way).

Justask

movingtotheuk wrote: »

Nor sure what to do. If i lie she will still see im online - maybe i could block her and she might just think ive deactivated my account.

Telling her the truth would be very tough. I don't think anyone out there would want to hear that.

I know im probably the only one here thats going to go down this road but just something to think about. You have chatted for 3 weeks, nust have some thing in common. OK looks and attraction do count but why not met for a coffee you never know i the real world!!! there may just be a spark. And if not then you can say then tat there is no spark without coming across as shallow.

Mark27

So Justask the OP is asking for advise on how not to hurt a girl that he does not fancy and you suggest they meet up and get even more involved? I think thats a really dumb and stupid idea to be honest.

I see your point holly, but once he tells her he is back with an ex she should leave him alone then anyway. Because there is no point chasing if he is with sombody else so she will not even be on his profile?

SHe is obviously insecure if it took 2 weeks to even send her pic to him and now the OP has just told her that she is not attractive looking?

Let her down gently and tell her your with your ex. For gods sake she is problady sending messages to loads of other guys at the same time!!

Justask

Mark27 wrote: »

So Justask the OP is asking for advise on how not to hurt a girl that he does not fancy and you suggest they meet up and get even more involved? I think thats a really dumb and stupid idea to be honest.

Sorry my mistake I thought I replied to the OP

Carry on with your expertise :rolleyes:

Mark27

Justask: If you fancied a girl but she didnt fancy you? Would you really want her to suggest a date, where you could grow to like her even more. And the whole time she is just humoring you and not the slightest intention of getting with you?

Seriously..

Justask

Mark27 wrote: »

Justask: If you fancied a girl but she didnt fancy you? Would you really want her to suggest a date, where you could grow to like her even more. And the whole time she is just humoring you and not the slightest intention of getting with you?

Seriously..

Do you want me to answer those questions honestly??

Mark27

Well i presume the honest answer is yea? Since you actually suggested doing that a couple of threads back? Remember that??

Justask

Mark27 wrote: »

Well i presume the honest answer is yea? Since you actually suggested doing that a couple of threads back? Remember that??

No the answer would be NO.....:D But you knew that cos your dead smart

movingtotheuk

tink2 wrote: »

Erm she's never met you so she's not exactly going to be broken hearted if you don't like her! It's online dating just don't reply back to her she'll understand what that means. I think honesty is fine after having a date but I'm not invested at all after just chatting to a guy online.

Of course she wouldn't be heart broken - not at all.

However she would be hurt. I would be totally ruling this person out totally on looks, as we have text/emailed quite a bit. She would know this too as it was going towards meeting up.

movingtotheuk

hollypink wrote: »

Is it really so difficult to be honest (with a little tact?). I would prefer a message like 'you seem like a lovely girl but I dont think we're suited, best of luck with your search' which would sting a little but far better than someone obviously lying (I got back with my girlfriend even he's still online), or contining to message but less frequently, or just being blocked, out of nowhere.

And I fail to see how lying about a girlfriend or blanking someone is "manning up".

Thats a decent one but again she will quickly work out tis do with the photo due to the timing.

Honesty is generally best in life but life is not balck and white. I think most people (girls maybe more so) would be really hurt to be knocked back due to how they look.

If the situation were reversed I'd be really, really upset.

C.D.

My previous comment was in jest, I'm with stupidusername to be honest. I would simply say that I don't think there is chemistry on a physical level.

Letting it fizzled out is not fair. She will be waiting for emails and wondering 'what if'.

Saying you got back with your ex won't work unless you also leave the site- she will see you on there. Heck, she probably has friends on it- what if you contact them?!

If you have moral qualms, simply ask yourself- how would I like to be treated in this situation and that will tell you the path you should take. I would want to told straight out so I'm not left hoping or thinking there is a chance.

Lost Accent

movingtotheuk wrote: »

How do you see it that way? Elaborate? I was planning on saying i met my ex,we have a long history and now we are giving it another go. She would probably just think 'oh well'.

As opposed to being devastated as someone saying you are not attractive to me.

I mean that if you say that you've gotten back with your ex and then she sees you're still online, that I believe would be more hurtful. I know that in the past in an effort to spare my feelings I was told something and then subsequently found out it wasn't true. This actually caused a lot more pain than if I was just told the real reason in the first place! It still would have hurt but not as much. It's just my opinion it doesn't mean it is right or wrong and may not apply to your situation.

You are best able to gauge the situation more than anyone. It's obvious you really want to spare her feelings as far as possible. I'm sure all the conflicting advice here helps add to the confusion. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.