Future brother-in-law: does he have to come to the wedding?

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this as it's a fairly intimate and controversial topic.

I've been with my OH for 3 years and we're planning on getting married within the next couple of years. We're planning on having a big dinner for us and our families followed a party for family members and our friends. The problem is that I cannot stand my OH's brother and I worry that he will ruin the day somehow.

My OH's brother is in his late 20s, lives at home and never ever (seriously ever) goes out. He has never been diagnosed with a mental illness but has been very clingy to his mother and anxious about going out since his parents separated (almost ten years ago). He is prone to horrid mood swings and is wildly unpredictable and I often fear he will get violent. He has a dog that he refuses to take for walks (and won't let us take out either) and I don't think he feeds the dog regularly. Basically being around him is like being around a ticking time bomb; we never know what sort of mood he'll be in or whether he'll even get out of bed for a few days.

Now I know for a fact that he would hate to be at our wedding. He doesn't like going out, doesn't like meeting new people and he would be in a rotten temper if he was forced. I suppose I want to ask what people's opinions would be if we simply didn't invite him? If we invited him to the wedding I know that his mother would force him to go... but what happens then? Will he have a temper tantrum during the party? Will he try to hit one of my friends? The main thing I'm concerned about is him ruining the day by myself and the OH constantly worrying about what he will do.

Any advice would be gratefully received, I keep going over and over this in my head and I can't come to a resolution. Thanks everyone, sorry for the long post.

MrsA

Invite him, tell him he does not have to go if he does not want to. Tell his mother the same thing.

Don't not invite him, that sounds horrible.

Ickle Magoo

Do you even have the option of not inviting to the brother of the groom? I would have thought that such close family would automatically be included in the wedding party and invitations wouldn't be expected anyway?

What jumps out is that you don't mention what your OH thinks? Does he want his brother in attendance? Is he worried about his brothers behaviour? Surely that is what decides the issue. I'd leave the decision of both invitation and any possible talking to regarding behaviour entirely to your fiancé.

Best of luck

Dolbert

Are you just assuming that he won't want to come, and that your OH will be okay with this? There will always be compromise involved at a wedding, but actively planning to exclude his brother because you don't think he'll fit in on the day is quite cruel imo...

Defo invite him. No matter what problems you may have between yourself's this would be awful. Not saying anything bad about you tho.

Tell your BF to inv him but to also say not to mess for that one day and if he doesn't want to come then he doesn't have to. At least you can say you invited him.

Victor

Does he actually have a history of violence or are you perhaps over-stating things? Is he receiving medical support?

I think it would be the right thing to do to invite him, but you can't force him or let his mother force him.

PopUp

I think ultimately this needs to be your OH's decision.

One possible compromise could be just having dinner with your parents, and inviting siblings along with friends to the party later on?

Does your OH have other siblings? At my wedding thankfully there were no troublemakers but there were some older family members who needed extra help getting to the wedding, going from the church to the venue - an aunt and uncle took charge of helping them for the whole day, so that my parents and my husband and I could enjoy/organise/concentrate on other things. They didn't even need to be asked, just volunteered, and it was such a weight off our minds. Is there an older brother or uncle or someone who could be quietly recruited to keep an eye on things and defuse situations before your BIL makes a show of himself?

PopUp

Also bear in mind two years from now his circumstances could have changed - he could be taking medication and getting proper help for his illness and might no longer be so difficult to deal with. I wouldn't worry about this until much closer to the day, when you can assess the situation better.

JonathanAnon

To NOT invite him would be extremely selfish, and may be something that would taint the OH's family's opinion of you seriously.

If he messes up on the day, the embarrassment will be his and his family will be there to calm him down anyway ... Invite him definitely, maybe ask someone to keep an eye on him (and him out of trouble)...

OS119

worryingaboutfuturebroinlaw wrote: »

Any advice would be gratefully received, I keep going over and over this in my head and I can't come to a resolution. Thanks everyone, sorry for the long post.

OP, you really, really need to have this discussion with your OH, and it really needs to be their decision about inviting him, or managing his presence, as its going to be them who faces any issues within their family over his presence, or non-attendance and they who'll be most embarrassed about any bad behaviour on the day.

in contrast to other posters, yes it is actually possible to get married without your B-I-L being present - the law says you need 5 people to get married: the registrar/priest, the Bride, Groom and two adult witnesses. thats it. no parents, no third cousins twice removed on your mothers side, no old bloke from the village GAA team who felt your special places when you were 12, no TD's and no Aunts with Gerry Adams-esque facial hair.

if you and your OH, jointly decide that you genuinely don't want this bloke at your wedding (and i'd suggest that the decision should also be made on the quality of your OH's relationship with him rather than just on whether he's likely to be a twat on the day) then you should not invite him - however PopUp makes some excellent suggestions about managing the days exposure to this guy and managing his behaviour when he's about.

having a 'parents only' dinner will mean he doesn't have the opportunity to be a big fish in a small pond - it'll also save you a fortune - and if he comes to the reception/party he'll be much more able to slink off unnoticed as he'll be just one person out of lots in a dark room.

personally i'd go for a managed compromise - if only because families are unpredictable and you don't really know the consequences of your OH telling their parents that he's not invited, and they might not be nice: an intimate, parents only dinner, followed by large party in a dark room where an anti-social can quickly disapear and no-one will notice, or where said anti-social can quickly be bundled away by his pre-arranged minder should he get half-cut and start yelling his head off and taking swings at folk.

dellas1979

Have you discussed this with your OH?

I think it would be cruel not to invite the brother of the groom and cant believe you would think of not inviting him.

As said above, ask him - if he doesnt want to go leave it. Maybe say it to the mother in advance not to push it.

Its seems a bit selfish IMHO.

OS119

dellas1979 wrote: »

Its seems a bit selfish IMHO.

kind of a side issue, but what is selfish about not inviting someone you don't like to a party?

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for all the replies. I should have stated that my fiancee hates his brother, really can't stand him. His brother is selfish and mean and treats his mother like crap, so myself and my OH are united in our feelings about him. My fiancee would prefer if his brother wasn't at the wedding but isn't sure how to go about leaving him out.

There are no other siblings in his family that could look after him on the day, and for the record he is on medication. He sees a psychiatrist once in a while and typically gets his medication changed as its not working. To be honest, the only sort of mental issue he seems to have is anxiety; other than that he's just lazy and appears to want to make his mother revolve around him by making unreasonable demands of her and throwing a strop when she goes out with friends. As I said before, he's never been diagnosed with a mental illness and the whole family is a bit iffy about whether he actually has one or not.

We're not planning a traditional wedding; a family dinner followed by a big party (same as any sort of birthday party bash or something like that). I have a big chatty family and I'm not sure how the dynamics would work if my OH's brother were at the dinner. He has a fondness for the IRA and for coming out with ridiculous and offensive statements and just generally being a horrible person. I'm worried he might say something awful to my family and spoil the dinner - maybe even on purpose.

Thanks to one poster who said it wasn't unreasonable to want to invite only who we like to the party - our wedding is going to be a big party (no spiritual/ church side to it) and I hate the idea that it would be marred by me and the OH worrying about what his idiot of a brother might be doing. Already this issue is making me tear my hair out trying to figure out what to do. I really like my OH's mother and I'd like her to be able to enjoy the day and relax with some wine, rather than playing guardian to her grown-up son.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I don't know. I'll talk to my OH about it again though we seem to be on the same page.

Ickle Magoo

That was what I meant about not being sure you couldn't invite him by just not sending an invite or mentioning things to him - I would think it would have to be a case of telling him he isn't invited because siblings and parents don't always get invites or RSVP so the assumption might be made he's going unless he's told he's definitely not, especially if it's known it's a big party with lots of other family and friends in attendance.

I do think it's up to your fiancé to deal with his family directly and if his brother is not wanted at the party then he needs to sit his mother & brother down and spell out that that is the case. The only other issue is if the brother has a hissy fit at the thought of his mother going out, if there is no-one to look after him and she's invited and he's not - is that going to cause issues? Presumably he only makes unreasonable demands and is lazy and whatever because she lets him and puts up with it - could telling him he's not coming affect her ability to attend?

It's a crappy situation but if your fiancé hates his brother and doesn't want him there then telling him he's not shouldn't be a huge problem - since offending the brother or upsetting him isn't an issue.

All the best.

tinkerbell

It's quite simple really - if you and your fiancé do not want your fiancé's brother there, then there is no reason to invite him. Why should you have to worry about him throwing a hissy fit, coming out with ridiculous things, and making drama on YOUR wedding day?

Your wedding is about you and your fiancé, nobody else. And if you both don't want somebody there because ye don't like him, then there is no reason to invite him. No reason at all. Screw this crap of having to invite people just because it's "expected" and would be "bad form". It's your day, so what you say goes. And if you don't want him there, then tell him he is not welcome. Because like others said, it could be just assumed that he is coming.

Why would you want people there that you don't like? Regardless if it is family or not, just because they are family, doesn't mean they get a guaranteed ticket to every family event.

LBD

Hi Op,

Believe me I understand your concerns about this. We are not having my fiances brother at our wedding. While we wish it didnt have to be this way we feel we have been left no choice given his behaviour, I wont go into it but he has put us through hell. My OH family agree with us on this.....if we were to have him there we run the risk of being on edge all day long worrying whether or not he would do something to ruin our day.

Just because someone is family does not give them automatic right to a wedding invitation, my OH & his brother detest each other.....it seems ridiculous to have him attend the happiest day of our life if he wasn't going to be happy for us.

I know the circumstances of our situations are slightly different but I just wanted you to know you're not the only one in this predicament. Everyone will have their opinion but if you've never been in this situation you have no idea how stressful it can be and how it is not an easy decision to make.....and I feel some of the comments you've gotten are way too harsh.

Really hope it works out for ye and best of luck for ye're big day!

dellas1979

OS119 wrote: »

kind of a side issue, but what is selfish about not inviting someone you don't like to a party?

Are you yankin' me chain!?

"Someone" - it isnt someone, some person, its his brother ffs!

And to the OP, I dont think its fair to judge his brother with mental issues on his side. Its very quick for people to judge. Why dont you actually sit down and talk to him? Maybe if you were a little nicer to him (Im only going by what you have said-you have such distain for him), you may/might understand what he is going through.

Not everyone is in a disposition for various reasons to be able to cope with even, what you would regard, little things, or being rude.

A friend of mines brother has mental problems and she gives him all the time and help in the world. No, its not easy, but I cant see how not asking him to the wedding would make things any easier. The right thing, in my eyes (she asked for opinions) would be to ask him and let him turn it down as you so predict.

LegacyUser

hi op
im in a similar situation i have my own sister who is an attention seeking spoilt brat and i will not be asking her to my wedding she has never made any effort with me or my kids never even brought them xmas or birthday presents if my kids go into my mams house she huffs in her room and also cant stand mammys attention to be on anyone else but her, i cant stand her and her attitude so im simply not inviting her but i have to say even if i did invite her she probably wouldnt come anyway. id say why bring somone who would ruin your day at the drop of a hat.

Dolbert

Ah ok OP, I misunderstood the situation. As it stands I think you and your fiance would be well within your rights not to invite him. Best of luck.

Beruthiel

worryingaboutfuturebroinlaw wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I should have stated that my fiancee hates his brother, really can't stand him. His brother is selfish and mean and treats his mother like crap, so myself and my OH are united in our feelings about him. My fiancee would prefer if his brother wasn't at the wedding but isn't sure how to go about leaving him out.

If both of you do not want him there, then just tell him straight that he's not welcome.
It's your wedding and if you're not bothered about his reaction to you not inviting him, do as you please.
Being related to someone doesn't give you access to all areas if you're a complete asshole.

Kooli

Beruthiel wrote: »

If both of you do not want him there, then just tell him straight that he's not welcome.
It's your wedding and if you're not bothered about his reaction to you not inviting him, do as you please.
Being related to someone doesn't give you access to all areas if you're a complete asshole.

I think this is the best thing to do. And seeing as the wedding doesn't seem to be any time soon, you could say it to him in advance to give him a chance to prove that he can 'behave himself' - maybe it might be the kick up the bum he needs to realise that how he acts is not acceptable.

But do try to be kind, it sounds like he's not a happy man.

LegacyUser

Can you live with not inviting him to the wedding? Can you deal with people commenting/asking why he isn’t there?

The other option is to just get married abroad. From the description he sounds like he wouldn’t travel.

On a positive note, he may actually prefer not to go.