Whats the problem with having just one?

giftgrub

Our little lad is 18 months old now and is magic...when he's not wrecking the house..

However we've discussed it and we both agreed that the baby shop is now closed.

Initially we both found the whole thing very stressful and my other half suffered from post natal depression.

So we're not keen on a repeat.

When people ask if we're "going again" and we say no we get funny looks...they we have to hear about how the company is great for him and so on

As an only child myself I like to think I turned out OK!!

So whats wrong with having one?

RealistSpy

The problem I found is that a single child might get a bit spoilt especially with him getting and not sharing what ever he has.

I am sure you might still change your mind the first few years are hard but you will love it.

giftgrub

RealistSpy wrote: »

I am sure you might still change your mind the first few years are hard but you will love it.

With respect, that's what I'm talking about. Thats the kind of answer we've been getting from people.

If I said we weren't going to get married or get him Christened people leave it alone, but as soon as we say we dont want any more kids we get looks.

metrovelvet

RealistSpy wrote: »

The problem I found is that a single child might get a bit spoilt especially with him getting and not sharing what ever he has.

I am sure you might still change your mind the first few years are hard but you will love it.

Also when you in an old folks hime or are dying the whole onus is on that one child. Not fair.

astra2000

You might find that a lot of people will not understand your decision but if your mind is well and truly made up then why worry about other peoples opinions. If you find people asking you about having more a problem just say that ye will see what happens you do not need to justify yourself to others its your business.

iguana

metrovelvet wrote: »

Also when you in an old folks hime or are dying the whole onus is on that one child. Not fair.

Yup, that's the biggest one along with the fact that when you and your partner die your child is left to grieve alone. Regardless of whether he has a partner or children by that time nobody will be able to truly share his grief or reminisce with him like a sibling would. My grandmother died a couple of years ago 'orphaning' my dad and that hit him very, very hard. Obviously my mother, brothers and I helped him but his siblings were who he needed most at times and vice versa. Nobody wants to think about that point 50+ years into the future but it's worth considering.

I don't think there are huge consequences to your son's childhood if he never has siblings. There are pros and cons at this stage in his life and I think they balance each other out. It's really in later adulthood that the lack of siblings becomes a real issue.

Cat Melodeon

I think it's a bit weird that people would pass comment on you having just the one. What difference? As long as you socialise your child well when he's young and as long as he has a good group of friends (extended family like cousins are a bonus) he certainly won't experience any developmental problems. As for missing out on having siblings when he's older, plenty of large families have horrendous fallings-out and provide no support to each other in later life. Having lots of kids does not guarantee that any of them will look after you in your dotage either, and personally, I think that's a bit of a selfish reason for having children! Having one healthy, happy and attended to child and a set of parents who can cope is far better than having a brood of kids you can barely deal with. If having one is right for you, you don't need to justify it to anyone.

kelle

metrovelvet wrote: »

Also when you in an old folks hime or are dying the whole onus is on that one child. Not fair.

There are 5 in my family, but I was the only one to look after my parents when they became terminally ill. In fairness they only wanted me - as I was their only daughter and the most understanding.

When they died, I was helped enormously by my aunts and husband - not my brothers! They just didn't appear to be as emotional nor did they want to talk about them, it was awful! Only for my aunts and darling husband I would have had a nervous breakdown...

So having a big family doesn't mean you'll have them all looking after you.

OP, I can understand your frustration. People should mind their own business when it comes to other people's family planning, after all you could be having problems conceiving or you be medically advised to have no more!

The "company" bit annoys me - my son actually got his "company" when he was around your son's age - from the beginning the two have fought like cat and dog and I constantly act as their referee (don't get me wrong - I love them very much!)!

Chuchoter

In my experience, only children can be some of the most spoilt and badly behaved kids you come across. For example, I can babysit 3 kids from babies to 6 and 7 at the same time no bother, but one only child and I am screwed, because everything is a tantrum and its their way or the high way.

You then have to balance that against he'll be able to do more things outside of school as you only have 1 to pick and drop, he'll be used to his own company and you'll be able to help him more with schoolwork.

Das Kitty

Pfft, I know plenty of only children who are perfectly well adjusted.

Some of the points above are probably a good indication of why you get the responses and reactions you do IRL, I wouldn't worry about them though.

Funeral costs and arrangements seems like a bizarre reason to have more children to me. It's usually one who takes over the arrangements anyway, and as for the cost of nursing homes, you see it left to one as well a lot, usually the one who's not going to keep bugging the others for help.

As for grieving, you usually go through your own process there, yes you can reminisce with siblings but ultimately you have to all deal with it in your own way and alone.

I think too, when parents die it can cause terrible arguments between siblings over inheritance, some never to be resolved, I've seen it in my own family.

metrovelvet

Its not a reason to have more kids but your only kid will get landed with you with no one else to pass the parcel to.

Moonbeam

It is your deicision and no one elses.
Some people have no choice and are only lucky enough to have one others decide for personal or financial reasons to have one,it is your choice and don'y pay attention to other peoples opinions.
They are ful of opinions about big families too so you can't win.

I am an only child and as a result I could never do it to a child and it is so important for me that my child isn't.

Acoshla

I'm an only child and I don't like it, I would love to have the bond most of my friends have with their sisters or brothers etc. I personally would prefer to have more than one because growing up alone means you don't learn basic skills like sharing, I mean obviously yes I can share, but only because I know I have to, it's not something that ever came easy to me with toys etc.

Even basic things are different, like a few days ago myself and my friends were talking about games we had growing up, they listed out Buckaroo, Hungry Hippos, Operation, all my games were solitary ones, no point having hungry hippos when you've nobody to play it with. Maybe if your son has cousins his age it would help, I didn't.

And it also means Christmas Day always sounds like more fun in other people's houses. And I hate that I will never be an aunt, my friend's older siblings are starting to have kids now and they're all so delighted with their baby nieces and nephews, it's not nice knowing I will never have that, if I want kids around the pressure is all on me. Which also means that if I don't have kids my parents won't ever be grandparents. So more pressure there.

These may sound like petty reasons but they all result in a basic loneliness that I don't think people from larger families understand.

metrovelvet

Spadina wrote: »

I'm an only child and I don't like it, I would love to have the bond most of my friends have with their sisters or brothers etc. I personally would prefer to have more than one because growing up alone means you don't learn basic skills like sharing, I mean obviously yes I can share, but only because I know I have to, it's not something that ever came easy to me with toys etc.

Even basic things are different, like a few days ago myself and my friends were talking about games we had growing up, they listed out Buckaroo, Hungry Hippos, Operation, all my games were solitary ones, no point having hungry hippos when you've nobody to play it with. Maybe if your son has cousins his age it would help, I didn't.

And it also means Christmas Day always sounds like more fun in other people's houses. And I hate that I will never be an aunt, my friend's older siblings are starting to have kids now and they're all so delighted with their baby nieces and nephews, it's not nice knowing I will never have that, if I want kids around the pressure is all on me. Which also means that if I don't have kids my parents won't ever be grandparents. So more pressure there.

These may sound like petty reasons but they all result in a basic loneliness that I don't think people from larger families understand.

My son is an only child. It seems to me that the relationship with the parent is much more focused and intense too than in families with more than one child.

T-Square

giftgrub wrote: »

Our little lad is 18 months old now and is magic...when he's not wrecking the house..

However we've discussed it and we both agreed that the baby shop is now closed.

Initially we both found the whole thing very stressful and my other half suffered from post natal depression.

So we're not keen on a repeat.

When people ask if we're "going again" and we say no we get funny looks...they we have to hear about how the company is great for him and so on

As an only child myself I like to think I turned out OK!!

So whats wrong with having one?

The most environmentally unfriendly thing you can do is have a second child.

Do a world a favour and ignore the ingrained catholic nonsense
that thinks having 18 kids is great! As the de-motivational poster says, "It's a vagina, not a clown car"

dextero

spadina the grass is always greener. People from large families wish they were only children and visa versa. I have one child now who is 7 and I still havent decided wether to have more or not. He is extremely happy and confident, shares with other kids, is polite and gets loads of social contact with his peers. My sister has four kids and she is run ragged, she doesnt have enough time to spend with each of them and they spend their whole time fighting. I hate when people ask if I will have more - Its none of their business and so rude! Giftgrub I have found the easiest thing is to say I dont know and change the subject.

doodlenoodle

I'm considering more children, not because I particularly want to go through the whole baby thing, but because I'd love for my kids to have a larger family.You might have a strong network of friends, which is great...but, it's not the same as family.

Your siblings might be awful, but at the end of the day they are yours (want them or not).

An only child is not automatically spoilt...that is up to the parents to make sure it doesn't happen.

Dubstar07

I think the overriding message here is it's nobody's business but your own!
Whatever you feel is best for you and your situation is ultimately what will ensue.

There are several points above that are quite valid and give many of the pro's and cons that I can think of. A friend I grew up with as an only child and was spoilt but they also lost one parent at the age of 13, which put alot of stress on them.

My most recent case of an only child is through my in-laws. The child is definitely not spoilt has a very close relationship with a similar aged cousin and her aunts. The parents have decided another child was not on the cards.

This is what works for them and they seem very happy.

gaeilgegrinds1

I get landed with all the tough decisions, all the eldest girls I know seem to! I just think it can be lonely on only children, can...not always mind. It's yer decision at the end of the day. It's a bit insensitive of people to pry in my opinion, my friend is only 31 and has had to have all her baby making organs taken out due to illness, when she gets asked about number 2 while in my company I go on the attack, mind yer own business people. Just make sure he has lots of friends or cousins or whatever over lots and all should be ok.

Acoshla

Just to say one more thing about this, I have a great relationship with my parents, my mom is my best friend and my Dad dotes on me even though he has since had another child, and I know I have to thank being an only child for being so close to my mom, obviously if she had more she couldn't spend so much time, energy (and money) on me. And she brought me up not to be a spoiled brat thank God, made me earn treats and money etc.

It is also stressful now because my Mom lives alone, I live far away, when I go home I get the major guilts that I don't live closer to her.

So there are good points but I do think the bad outweigh the good, unless your child has a huge extended family of similar age cousins to substitute for siblings.

Edit: I've just remembered that you mentioned post natal depression as a reason to stick with one, that IMO would be one of the main valid reasons for not having more children which would make complete sense tbh.

LegacyUser

I have to say that I find the whole 'that one child is left to look after you when your in an old folks home, or dying' a completely ridiculous reason to have, or want to have more than one child!!

We can't live on lvfes focussing on when or how we will die, and who will or won't look after us!!!

My son is an only child and is pretty well adjusted. He has many friends, who are in and out of our house day in/day out. He often says he's not going out, because he has had enough of them all and wants to chill and watch tv alone.

I on the other hand came from a very large family. And I would have dearly loved to have been an only child! There are many negatives to having alot of siblings - no matter what anyone tells you! Yes, some of us have good relationships, but some don't. And the politics that goes with having siblings when a parent dies...well...don't get me started on that one!
I'm speaking from my own experience here obviously, and I know there are many families who are close and who couldn't live without the love and support from siblings. I've turned out ok despite the fact that I didn't get that, and my son is also turning out ok.
Tell them all to mind their own beeswax OP!!!

eviltwin

I grew up in a family of three kids. Growing up we were all close in age but that didn't translate into friendship. If anything I think we annoyed each other. As adults things haven't changed. And they are all overseas so if anything happens to my mum its all going to fall back on me anyway. So having a large brood is not a guarantee of anything.

My own daughter was an only child for the first 12 years of her life and it didn't do her any harm and she is not spoilt in the slightest so that old stereotype doesn't always apply.

Its not really anyone else's business anyway is it? If you and your partner are both in agreement then sod everyone else.

nesf

It makes perfect sense to stick to just one when post natal depression is a factor.


To comfort you, there's been a ton of research done on single kid families, to see what effects it has on the kid but from all accounts they grow up happy and well adjusted without siblings. They've looked hard but they've yet to find any consistently proven factor that only children have due to the lack of siblings.

dan_d

OP it's your decision, but can I give you another side of it?

I'm from a family of 4 kids. My OH is an only child.He's fantastic...totally well-adjusted, completely unspoiled etc.BUT.....

He's the only one. His mother's on the phone every other day asking how he is. She notices when he gets new socks, remembers the name of every doctor he's ever had - everything. He has to get in every weekend to see the parents.That sounds stupid, but since we work 50 hour weeks, there are other things that we also HAVE to do, and he's running around like an idiot trying to find 2 hours to go see his parents. If he doesn't, they're on the phone looking for him. He's an only grandchild on one side of the family - he has 4 elderly relatives in their 60s/70s living on their own, and he spends so much time on the road going around to see them. His parents tend to still treat him as if he's 10, because well, he'll always be their little boy - some things are such a struggle with them.

I on the other hand, see my parents almost every weekend, but if I don't....I'm not sure they even notice!! There's always someone there to go shopping or for coffee with my mam. Visiting relatives/grandparents etc...there's 4 of us to spread it between. There's always something going on in our house, it's fun. We have great conversations, loads of friends because we've all each other's friends aswell.

My OH has absolutely no understanding of the relationships between siblings. He doesn't understand that you can fight and scream at each other, and an hour later, go shopping together. He doesn't get that for all the rows and hating each other, they're still your siblings, and your blood. He finds it tricky sometimes, with my siblings, to understand how I can hate them (!) sometimes and yet still talk to them! He never had to share the TV/a bedroom/sweets...anything.

More, as your son gets older (you'll particularly notice this on holidays), he'll want you to be playing with him all the time, because there's just him. It's kind of tiring for you too. But I noticed this with my 2 young cousins this year - there's 2 of them. They play together. They do everything together, even though there's 5 years between them. It means that they can amuse each other, and they're quite happy.

I worry a lot about the future. My OH will be the only one, with the responsibility for at least 4 elderly relatives on his shoulders - 6 if you include his parents. What happens if one of his parents dies? The other becomes his sole responsibility. What happens if they have to go into a home? Who pays for it? He's the only one - there's nobody else to try and spread the cost with. How is he going to deal by himself with any illnesses/treatments as they get older, and when they die? I'll do my best, but at the end of the day, he is the only one. It worries me a lot, because I'll be there with him, watching it happen and knowing it will all land on his shoulders. We're only in our late twenties, and already it's difficult.

It's just another side to it. I have no children, but I want 2 or 3. Personally, my take on it is that if you can give your child a sibling, you really should. It's one of the best things you can do for your child - and yourself. People are naturally social, and to be honest, whatever about you, it's harder on your son that he's the only one. On the surface of it, it mightn't appear that way but as life goes on, he probably will find it hard.

Now, you have your reasons to not want to and that's fine. I'm not going to convince you otherwise. But I just thought I'd give you another side of it...it's not just you that it affects.

astra2000

dan_d wrote: »

OP it's your decision, but can I give you another side of it?

I'm from a family of 4 kids. My OH is an only child.He's fantastic...totally well-adjusted, completely unspoiled etc.BUT.....

He's the only one. His mother's on the phone every other day asking how he is. She notices when he gets new socks, remembers the name of every doctor he's ever had - everything. He has to get in every weekend to see the parents.That sounds stupid, but since we work 50 hour weeks, there are other things that we also HAVE to do, and he's running around like an idiot trying to find 2 hours to go see his parents.)





Op I think this is the most important point of the lot. I know if I had only
one child I would be a very intense parent, and would have way too much focus on the child, be aware that this could be a problem and keep an eye on it, tbh I doubt I would be able to stop myself and i am glad for my kids that they have siblings!!!!!!

Acoshla

dan_d very well said, sums it up really.

And as for what you said about him having to visit them/speak to them all the time, I speak to my mother at least 3 times a day, it's often more around the 7/8 mark And she has a rule that she has to see me at least once a month. When I went abroad for a year she came to visit 3 times, spent 10 grand and a lot of long haul flights doing it. Being an only child does result in an intense relationship so be prepared for that if you stick with one.

sarahlulu

No matter whether you have another baby or not, it will not stop the questions. I have three, and still get asked, when are you going for another one? Best response is to say we will see what happens and leave it at that.

It is frustrating though that people feel they have a right to question you on something so personal. I have suffered post natal depression after all of my babies, and completely understand why you would not want to go through that again.

All you can do is what feels right for your family, and if that means no more babies, then that is your decision.

Sharlovesjohn

I always wished there was only two or three of us as much as i say I love my brothers and sister the ones with the biggest age gap I've always got on better, Id love to have a couple of years of just me and my parents,

Op I plan on having one even then for years I planned on having none times change people change you never know in a few years you may change your mind but then again you may not,


Why are people pushing what they think is the right way to do thing in life, is the way everyone else should do it?

LegacyUser

Only the two of you should choose what you want for your family.

Some of the comments here have amused me greatly though. I have three siblings, and can honestly say I've never seen any sign of love and support!! Other than growing up together I might as well be an only child, I've given up trying to stay in touch with them as it's exhausting and not worth the effort to maintain one-sided relationships. I send birthday and Christmas cards - always unreciprocated - but my conscience is clear. I might add that none of us are young either! There are no nieces/nephews or grandchildren, despite there being four of us.

My parents are older and not in the best of health. I'm the only one who rings them regularly and I try to visit several times a year despite living the furthest from them. (I already know I'm to be the one taking care of them when something happens, as they've put my name on their bank accounts.) They are even encouraging me to keep certain bits for myself, and I can just see the fireworks if I ever tried to do as they're telling me!!

Families are all different, having more children is no guarantee of anything. so you need to do what's best for yourselves and your own family.

bubbaloo

I have one son and I went through hell for 7 years to have him. Then when he was here I got post natal depression.
But I would still try to give him a sibling because my dad has alzheimers and my sister and I say every week how happy we are to have each other for support.
If I can offer that support to my little boy for when he's older I'm going to try, even though the thought of it for me is horrendous.
Sorry - but I just think it is about your child and not about you.

iguana

Das Kitty wrote: »

Funeral costs and arrangements seems like a bizarre reason to have more children to me.

See here's the thing though, you don't really have a child, you have a person. Being a child is just a temporary state, they are a person forever. If you decide to bring a person into the world then you do have a degree of responsibility for that person for the rest of their lives even though in most cases you will die before their life ends. So yes, people should be thinking of that when they are having their families, it's actually bizarre not to.