Whats the problem with having just one?

CrazyRabbit

Evolution would dictate that for our species to thrive, the average couple would need to have at least 2 children, and usually more. 2 people having 2 kids would maintain the population. But as some children die, it's actually important to our species to have more. Therefore, I think there is something engrained in our genes that compels us to see 2+ kids as 'normal'.

So, with the genetic factor as well as influence from advertising (look at adverts of families on holiday...mum+dad+boy+girl usually), it's easy to understand how people could consider 1 child to be unusual.

January

Just tell them you CAN'T have anymore children, that'll shut them up quickly enough!!

Das Kitty

iguana wrote: »

See here's the thing though, you don't really have a child, you have a person. Being a child is just a temporary state, they are a person forever. If you decide to bring a person into the world then you do have a degree of responsibility for that person for the rest of their lives even though in most cases you will die before their life ends. So yes, people should be thinking of that when they are having their families, it's actually bizarre not to.

I'm not disputing that at all. I just think that adding an extra person to the world for the purpose of helping out with the arrangements for a couple of funerals and splitting the cost is bizarre. It's small potatoes in the grand scheme of a person's life. It could be classed a slight consideration, but a reason, no.

It usually gets left up to one child anyway, I know even though there are 4 of us it'll be me who does all the paying and organising, and I've seen it time and time again with friends and relatives.

iguana

Das Kitty wrote: »

It usually gets left up to one child anyway, I know even though there are 4 of us it'll be me who does all the paying and organising, and I've seen it time and time again with friends and relatives.

That's just your experience, not what's usual. In my dad's family all his siblings saw my grandmother regularly and all helped take care of her when she needed it. In my mum's my mum and three of her brothers do everything my nana needs, the other brother did up too until he became incapable. My nana and her siblings looked after my great-grandparents together. I would be extremely surprised if either of my brothers or I don't all play a role in caring for my parents if they ever need it, the same is true for my husband and his siblings. I don't know anyone in my extended family or among my neighbours/friends where one person has been left alone to care for a parent if they have siblings.

I know it happens but it's far, far from usual. Sure having a number of children is no guarantee that by the time they are in adulthood they will care for you and each other enough to help each other out when needed and that one person won't be left with the burden by themselves. But only having one does guarantee that that one person will be left to cope alone.

It's also quite far from 'small potatoes' in a person's life. Care of an elderly parent can last decades, even if it just lasts a few months it's still one of the most significant occurrences in life. It's a lot to need from just one person.

Das Kitty

I said that funeral costs and arrangements was a bizarre reason to me, not caring for you when you're old. Them's some big potatoes.

Dudess

I hadn't thought of the later in life thing, moreso the child missing out on having a sibling when growing up, and perhaps the "skills" this might give them when relating to other children, e.g. sharing. But that's just my take, I'm not a child psychologist - if not having another child is the right decision for you OP, then nobody should judge you. And as for the child being spoilt, well surely that would be down to the parents?

How Strange

I only know a few only children and as kids they did seem more opinionated, selfish and spoiled that kids with siblings but that was my perspective as a kid. Perhaps I was jealous because they had everything to themselves!

As adults they are lovely, well grounded people who are no better or worse than people with siblings.

We're expecting our first child and I've already said I want another because I want him/her to have a sibling. That said if for some reason we couldn't
have more than one I would still
consider our little family to be
complete.

I think it's a personal decision for each couple to make and other people should mind their own business. There is no right or wrong thing to do.

drBill

Agree it's your own business, and I can understand why you're reluctant to go again.
We have two boys, aged two years apart, and I think the advantage of having more than one is that they spend much more time in each others company rather than in adult company which would otherwise be the case. I feel this is good in terms of learning to share, play, interact, etc, plus as they grow they are less demanding on our time as parents to keep them amused. It's a vastly different upbringing for the kid(s).
Kids are a workload and when we had just the one, we wondered how we'd be able to cope with another, but apart from the first few months there wasn't really much additional effort in moving from one to two.

Just my thoughts - and I accept I'm biased towards having more than one! Don't feel under pressure to go either way, it's for you both to decide and nobody else, but do make sure you consider all the facts when you're deciding. Best of luck.

wolfpawnat

OP it is up to you and your partner how you live your lives, that includes how many children ye have. If your OH had PND it is something she (and of course you) will have to take into account if the question arises about ye having more children.

There are 3 and a half years between my sister and myself, and we cannot stand each other. I spent years with the "you have to look after your sister", "take your sister with you", "your the oldest so it was your job to make sure she didn't do anything bold", etc. Oldest siblings, especially girls get a lot put on the shoulders. I as good as raised my sister because my mother stopped caring.

I now have a 18mth old son and the question has been asked several times, and my answer is no more. He may be seen as spoiled when he is older but he will have a great quality of life, as will I and his dad. The amount of children you have alters this. Plus I was always terrified that if I had another one would I have the time and energy for him, as a baby takes up all day and would he be pushed aside. I adore him to bits so I want him to have everything I can possibly give him!

As for this "evolution" thing, it is true it is natural to want to create more but 2 things,
- humans have a thought process and means to prevent more children if they want to.
- there are more than enough people making up the balance if you decide to have just one child!!!!! Some women seem to pop out children as a pastime.

As for the argument "the only child has to look after the elderly parents" that is just parents being self centred and controlling. I have heard a GP saying to my OH that the days of people having children to look after them when they are old are gone, and he is right. I hate this mantra of "parents do so much for their children, investing time and money into you, its the least you could do to repay them"
1. the child does not ask to be concieved, that is mummy and daddy's fault.
2. A child has the right to their own independent life when they are an adult. We all left home and if our parents were controlling we were angry at them, so why do it to our kids?
I will cry when my son leaves home for college and I will cry when he decides he is moving away for work, and I will call him every week to see how he is getting on but it will be his life and I don't want to feel like I am holding him back. I don't want to be on my death bed thinking he could be a cardiac consultant had I not forced him to stay home! Thats not being a parent that IMO is being a prison warden. A songbirds song is never as sweet in a cage as it is in the wild!

OP you and your OH are all that matters in the decision making process, only children are not the worst, children in the middle of a brood with no guidance are far worse, believe me!

If others want more children, no one bats an eyelid. But God forbid if you wish to have only one!!!!

Grawns

If it was an unpleasant stressful experience of course you don't want to have another one. My little one is 18 months and it was the easiest most fantastic experience for me. If it hadn't been I probably wouldn't be keen to try for another.

Never say never though. Lots of families have large gaps between children and depending on your ages (I'm 40 so it's now or never) you could easily decide to risk it when your child heads off to school. The best age gap is something like 3 to 4 years apparently.

Ultimately it's your joint decision and nobody elses business.

iguana

wolfpawnat wrote: »

As for the argument "the only child has to look after the elderly parents" that is just parents being self centred and controlling. I have heard a GP saying to my OH that the days of people having children to look after them when they are old are gone, and he is right. I hate this mantra of "parents do so much for their children, investing time and money into you, its the least you could do to repay them"

What?!!? You don't take care of your parents when they need it because you owe them. You do it because you love them and when someone you love needs you you do what they need. I'll help my parents if they need it whether my brothers do or not because I love them. And I can say confidently that my brothers feel the same. Which means that when/if that time comes we will share that responsibility which will make it easier on all of us.

cynder

Nothing is wrong with only having 1 child, my brother only has 1 and 2 of my sister in-laws have none (age 38 and 41) I know a few people i know only had one child and 17 (21, 18, 12) years later pop out another one, sometimes accidents happen and they don't agree with abortion so they have the child and love them just as much as they would have if they were planned. Others only ever have 1 or none. Personally i don't give a toss if someone has 1 kid or 4 ( after 4 i think that its a bit much especially if they are under 30).


I have 3 kids and my daughter was an only child for 6 years mainly because of circumstances.

cynder

wolfpawnat wrote: »

As for the argument "the only child has to look after the elderly parents" that is just parents being self centred and controlling. I have heard a GP saying to my OH that the days of people having children to look after them when they are old are gone, and he is right. I hate this mantra of "parents do so much for their children, investing time and money into you, its the least you could do to repay them"
1. the child does not ask to be concieved, that is mummy and daddy's fault.
2. A child has the right to their own independent life when they are an adult.

100% agree.

My mother has already told me when she is old and past it stick her in a home, i have my own life to live. I will tell my kids the same thing.
I love my mom 100%.

Madame Razz

I'm an only child by default. My mother couldn't have anymore children after me due to a medical condition. I grew up in a very rural part of Irrlandwgere everybody else came from large families, so being an onlychild back then almost made you freak like. It's more common now; and I think that makes it easier on the only children. I always had lots of friends growing up, and the most terrific grandparents, so being an only child never caused me any difficulty. If anything, it has helped me immensely in my life. I am infinately more independent and self sufficient than anybody else I know, and this has helped me massively in the work that I do. In fact I actually am so accustomed to my own space that I actually need it. I've never missed having siblings, you can't miss what you don't have. My mother is an only child also, and she has 'full responsibility' for her parents, which isn't so bad, as she has my father to support her, and it works out fine. As my parents get older I have no doubt that my partner will support me the same way.

There are much worse things than being an only child; parents really shouldn't beat themselves up or feel guilty for just having one.

My mother does ring me incessantly tho; that's probably the worst thing about it:p

Grawns

In response to FUtoo's post: I believe that whether you thrive or not as an only child is just as much about nature as nurture. I have a niece of 12 who is the very definition of a lonely only. She hates being on her own at any time and is very jealous of her mothers time. That's just her personality and my sister - her Mother, was the same when we were growing up. Wouldn't read a book or do anything solitary. Would drive you mad with the constant need for attention.

She suffered from being an only child - where I think I would have thrived

mykh

I think the decision should be based on what is good for you.
Kids can turn out fine whatever the family size.
Personally I find two is good in that they entertain each other, once you get past the baby stage. So two is no more work than one (once you get past the baby stage!) but more rewarding.

Teferi

I'd like to give my opinion on this as an only child.

I'll start by saying I love it. The thought of having siblings terrifies me. I was(/am) spoiled but I wasn't rotten and therein lies the difference. I've known many people with brothers and sisters who are absolute brats to their family. I always appreciated everything my parents done for me and still do. There was a comment made by a babysitter earlier in this thread about only children being terrible to mind but I can only answer that this is down to bad parenting.

During my childhood I was probably the best out of my friends at sharing. This seems to be a big issue for some reason but I would argue that siblings are worse at sharing than only children because siblings always have to share so they covet things a lot more. Only children have full use of a game at all times so I was always delighted to share my toys.

There seems to be a fear that only children need special attention to be socialised right. I'm calling bull**** on this. You would think that only children are locked in the attic and thrown a bucket of fishheads at night. Move into a family friendly neighbourhood and send them to a regular school. Job done. We're more willing to pick up friends as we don't have constant companions in the form of siblings.

If you fear for his independence then when old enough send him to cubs/scouts (don't bother with beavers, most get tired of it and quit early). I wanted to join cubs when I was 9 and I'm still involved in scouting today (22yo now). I was already an independent little bugger but I know that scouting helps kids be self-sufficient as they're not mothered on weekends away etc. I know that many only children end up being quite dependent on their parents but I've met many more who seem to have a much more independent streak than most kids.

Some cons;

I would say that I am quite lazy when it comes to stuff around the house. There is only 3 of us in our house so it's never really messy but when it is I stay out of it because I know my parents will do it. I know I shouldn't but I get away with so...;)

Any only children (incl. myself) I've met seem to be more pigheaded than kids with siblings. We probably get our own way more than most so I'd say this has something to do with it. This can be good or bad though.

I know I get quite competitive when it comes to sports etc. I never has brothers to compete with so I think all the stored competitiveness comes out on the field or playing any sort of game. Probably a little bit too competitive.

I worry what I'll do as my parents age and die. They'll be dependent on me and then I won't have anyone to mourn with when they die but c'est la vie. I can't worry about this my whole life and I know my rents wouldn't want me to.

I'd just thought I would tell you this to show what being an only child is like. Of course, the decision to have another is up to you but being an only child won't harm the child in any way, shape or form.