Creating Future Relationship

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am interested in opinions of people caught in similar situations. Basically I had a relationship with a Polish girl within in which we had a daughter. My ex encountered some problems post natal and we decided to move closer to her family in Poland. Because, mainly of the provincial location(of the part of Poland we were in) and my terrible attempt of mastering the language to a high degree, I could not attain employment that could maintain our previous lifestyle. This caused frictions (I would have to say mainly on my part, I felt frustrated in job & life there) and did not ever feel I would like a life there.

The choices I felt last December were, go to Warsaw/Krakow and get a job in a multinational and come back at weekends; go to Berlin (within 150km from where we were) get a job and commute back at weekends. But these were long distances and my career experience(?), type of job has included long hours/unforeseen events. But long story short I didn't take these as options for numerous reasons: absence for the week seemed to defeat the purpose of me being a hands-on father; and the other issues are not major so I came back to Ireland.

Since I came back to Ireland in January I have not found work so have been sending €30 a week (plus she receives child benefits as my daughter is Irish) I know that this is a sustainable situation if not lavish. However, in April I was told I had outstanding problems with the law which forced fines on me and time in prison(on remand). This meant I didn't send money over towards my daughter for a month. Up to this time I used to speak (as much as you can do with an active a 2 year old) on Skype weekly, but since my ex has stopped this and doesn't answer text's & only randomly emails (tbh when looking for the money for that month I didn't pay).

I have faith that I can and will have a relationship with my daughter (maybe when she is older) but I don't want anybody/anything to poison her thoughts towards me. I have never done anything wrong toward my daughter/ex/family but I am just wary about this happening (I did not tell anyone why I did not send money that month, just said it was impossible, I thought it would be used against me).

On the upside I am very optimistic about an interview I have coming up. With my first paycheck I will be sending over the money I missed with some simple message that I want to make amends for the time I couldn't send anything over.

My question is really about keeping keeping in contact with/not letting them forget you/having them feel close to you with children living abroad where your relationship with the mother is not actually amicable, especially when they are young & have more connection to what they can touch & see(if that makes sense)..

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metrovelvet

Ok. I'm not a psychologist. However, if I were you I would speak with a psycholigist and a gp for insights.

From what I gather, the first 3-4 years are crucial for the parent child bond, particularly for the child to develop the unconditional trust of a parent. This wont happen through skype and the phone.

However, if that is not on the cards, the next best thing is for the child to know who you are.

Can you put forth some kind of visitation plan? Send cards and photos.

If you cant spend time with the child you may have to wait till she's older. And yes there is a risk she may not want to see you, with or without the mother poisoning her.

Thats part of why the early year bonding is so important. If it's there, it nearly doesnt matter whether the child likes you or not.

Hope that helps. Not an easy situation.

OUTOFSYNC

Hi

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am in a similar one . I have a two and half year old daughter abroad. She lived in ireland for the first year and then her mother took her to her home country.

I have sucessfully maintained the bond in spite of the distance - but at great expense. I have travelled transatlantically 15 times in 18 months and about to go for a 16th time next week. I also 'interact' on skype 3 times a week.

I went to court to regulate access which luckily for me resulted in a decent amount of time for me to spend with my daughter. The mother remains very hostile and I have a long road ahread of me.

Fingers crossed that you manage to maintain the relationship - best of luck.

metrovelvet

OUTOFSYNC wrote: »

Hi

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am in a similar one . I have a two and half year old daughter abroad. She lived in ireland for the first year and then her mother took her to her home country.

I have sucessfully maintained the bond in spite of the distance - but at great expense. I have travelled transatlantically 15 times in 18 months and about to go for a 16th time next week. I also 'interact' on skype 3 times a week.

I went to court to regulate access which luckily for me resulted in a decent amount of time for me to spend with my daughter. The mother remains very hostile and I have a long road ahread of me.

Fingers crossed that you manage to maintain the relationship - best of luck.

Fair dues. That is LOVE. And it will pay off in the future.

gaeilgegrinds1

Fair play OUTOFSYNC, men like you are hard to find, precious. May you have a wonderful relationship with your child.