Whats an appropriate level of freedom for a 17 year old?

Chuchoter

My parents are suffocating me. Everything is an issue with them: internet history, what I wear, where I go (I don't drink/do drugs/smoke and they know this), who I talk to. I can't go where I want even if its safe (ie town at 9 o'clock to get a bus home after a movie). I am constantly getting snide comments from them and they're always implying I'm up to something. My 13 year old brother has as much if not more freedom as I do.

I'm asking this in the parenting forum as opposed to PI because I want parents opinion on this. Its driving me so crazy I've been looking up places to move out to that I can afford, but I know realistically I'm stuck here until I'm at least 20. What do you let your 17 year olds do?

bad2dabone

hiya

My folks were very much like yours when I was 17 so I can empathise totally with you.
However now I can see that they were only looking out for me, although at the time it drove me mental. And to be honest even now I think they were too heavy handed - although on the other side of things I'm glad that I had parents who cared.

I know what you mean with the snide comments, my dad made them a lot when I was a teen. Are you finished school by the way?
In a years time you'll be an adult legally, and perhaps in college/working etc. Things will change, you'll just have to build up trust with them, try to bite your tongue when they enforce their rules - as they are entitled to do - and try to always behave like an adult. If you behave like an adult they'll be more inclined to treat you like one.

Chuchoter

I'm only going into 5th year, and then my plan is to do a 5 year medicine course. So it will be a long long time before I'm really able to make my own money. I know they're trying to protect me, but it doesn't seem to be because they think I'm putting myself in dangerous situations (which I'm not) its because they think I'm stupid and immature. Everything important to me is 'a phase' or I think I'm better than everyone or I have an attitude. If its anything they don't like I'm just told to shut up. I've tried so hard to be nice and play by their rules but they have made no effort to try to understand me.

bad2dabone

unfortunately then you're pretty much bound by the rules and environment of the house that you're in for the next 7 years or so.

The reason your folks treat everything as a "phase" or make no effort to understand you is that they still very much consider you to be a child, and most older people would see someone just going into 5th year as merely a child. It's very unfortunate, as I'm sure you're extremely bright and I believe that you are a responsible person.

The only thing I can say is that you keep working on being an adult in their company, showing them adult responses, and showing no attitude. Some parents will treat the eldest as a child until they leave the house!

I feel for you, but you'll just have to stick it out for a few more years. I'm sure their attitude will change once you finish school.

Moonbeam

It depends,if you live at home and don't work and are still in secondary school then it is pretty much up to your parents but I would attempt to sit down and talk to them and explain your situation and how you feel.I do know that this often doesn't work and if this is the case as long as you are at home ,it is your situation:(

If you were 17 starting college,moving away from home and working for your own money then I would say you are an adult you can do what you like within reason of course:)

Will you be living at home for college?

Chuchoter

I'd try to talk them but I know its not worth the bother because no matter what I say they're always right.

I'll more than likely be living at home, unless I can organize some people to share a flat with or something.

Ickle Magoo

Could you apply to do medicine in another city, or even another country and get a place in the halls of residence?

I think leaving home, even if only for a year or two changes the child/parent dynamics. If you could move out even for a while I think it could help break the control factor. Saying that, you are 17 - it could be the control aspect wanes once you turn 18.

Deliverance

crayolastereo wrote: »

My parents are suffocating me. Everything is an issue with them: internet history, what I wear, where I go (I don't drink/do drugs/smoke and they know this), who I talk to. I can't go where I want even if its safe (ie town at 9 o'clock to get a bus home after a movie). I am constantly getting snide comments from them and they're always implying I'm up to something. My 13 year old brother has as much if not more freedom as I do.

I'm asking this in the parenting forum as opposed to PI because I want parents opinion on this. Its driving me so crazy I've been looking up places to move out to that I can afford, but I know realistically I'm stuck here until I'm at least 20. What do you let your 17 year olds do?

Well to me I think that you sound like you sound like a mature well rounded individual, enough to start making your own decisions about your life. That is a good thing. Can you imagine being so mature and focused if it were not for your parents concern and upbringing of you in the first place?

Your parents avoided having you on the streets and brought you up to this point i.e. the point where you feel like you are able to sit down and talk to them in a mature way and explain yourself as a young adult.

I respect them for that. And I have respect for you via their succesful upbringing of you to this point from your mature attitude.

Personally I feel that they have done a good job with you. You will only realise this after you become a parent yourself but that is another matter.

Appreciate your parents for what they have done for you and talk to them in a mature way, they will respect you for it and they will be proud of you as such. Explain to them your concerns and wishes for some level of independence. I know they will understand.

I am a parent and frankly I would be proud of you by the way you put yourself across on here. I'm sure that they will feel the same. Bottom line is you have good parents show them respect by talking to them and I guarantee that the result will be positive.

Cian92

Try reasoning with them, sit down and try and talk it our maturely. See what there reasoning is. Try not to compare your freedom with your brothers when talking to them. If this doesn't work you have two more options, the first and easiest being do nothing.

The last option is extreme, and will not be easy, and will even cause disruption in your life for a week or that way. You will have to have a massive argument with them, get everything out of your system, and make sure some sort of deal is struck. You will be making your life difficult and theres. You will have to rebel at every opportunity... It works. I had a problem a few months ago, the folks were making me do someting I really didn't want to do. We had a huge argument, which culminated in me running away from home for about 4 hours (I live in the middle of nowhere! ).

The first option is way better, try it a few times before going for the last option, which is very imature but the only way forward if your parents were as suck in their mindset. I toyed with telling you the last idea because I am creating a terrible situation for your parents, who only have your best interests at heart. However, you seem to need more freedom, christ you are 17.

gaeilgegrinds1

Can you talk to them? Explain how you appreciate all they have sone for you but feel you need a bit more space. Say it won't lead you to going carzy wild but that you need a bit more lead or you'll chew threw it.
You sound like a very well-rounded young person and they are probably just afraid you'll go off the rails. Best of luck.

eviltwin

I'm a parent of a teenager myself and think what your describing sounds a bit over protective. Its one thing to be concerned about your whereabouts at night, most parents do but to police your internet activity, and micro manage your life like that seems a bit excessive.

What kind of friends do you have? Are you mates with anyone they might be suspicious of? Do you go to places that have a bad rep? Have they any reason to think you might be drinking / smoking / doing drugs? If your mates are doing any of the above maybe your guilty by association?

Are you male or female? Do they have some over inflated fear that you might be raped or might be set upon?

Whatever it is I don't think its normal to assume your child is up to no good when you have no evidence or prior behaviour to base it on. I think you deserve to know what their beef is one way or another. Maybe they are just trying to protect you but its not their job to stifle you.

I'd have a proper sit down chat with them and explain your feelings and hopefully get to some sort of solution. Best of luck, hope it works out for you.

Eoineo

Can I ask do you have or have you been offered earned responsibility?

For example - you want to stay out until 11pm for a movie but will come straight home on the bus. You know that it will happen in 2 weeks time so this gives you a chance to discuss it with your parents.

Treat it as a barter system if you like.

Say Mam if I do X chores this week and X chores next week can I please stay out until 11 on Saturday. That gives them an opportunity to discuss it with you but on your terms.

I hope you understand what I'm saying.
For the oldest in the family it's a learning curve for parents and children alike. To get to a point where you are allowed to stay out late and be unsupervised on the internet you might need to earn that responsibility.

Other examples of positions of responsibility which might give them the signal you're ready to be treated differently would be:
Having a part time job, taking care of a younger sibling without you killing one another , taking care of your own clothes laundry, helping out with meals - cooking the family dinner/cleaning up entirely after it etc, etc.

littlebitdull

I have two teenagers. One is also 17 and to be honest I let her have a lot more freedom than you are getting.

I look at it this way .. how can she learn to be responsible if I dont allow her to be? You have to grow into an adult. It can't just happen. So as mine have gotten older we have allowed them out more and more.

They have phones so we can always phone them or they us if need be.

I think if you can sit down and explain to your parents where you are going and get them to set a time when they expect you home - a curfew so to speak - and then if you make sure to alway stick to it. they may just learn to trust you more.

lonestargirl

With a teenager I think what's apropriate varies a lot depending on the person and trust is something that needs to be earned. I was living away from home at university when I was 17, as were both of my siblings. None of us ever got in any trouble, don't smoke or do drugs and we are all light drinkers. My sister is hugely involved in a fantasy forum and has been since she was about 14, she is a very private person and all my parents knew was the name of the forum, they did not monitor her use of it as she never gave them cause to be worried. I think it helped us to develop our independence greatly, at 20, 23 and 26 we are all living away from Ireland at the moment. On the other hand my 17-year old SIL is very naieve and socially unaware and neither I nor her parents would be comfortable with her being out on her own late in the evening. She only recently spent her first night alone in the house - not that they were worried about parties but she has a history of being sick when her parents aren't coming home. It's a factor of many things, having 3 older brothers, being the youngest by 5 years and being very seriously ill as a small baby.

Having said that it seems from your post that you are responsible and are not asking to be out clubbing until 4 in the morning but simply to have the leash relaxed a little. I second the opinions of other posters, sit your parents down and discuss how you would like a little more freedom. Maybe look at setting a time-line of being able to do x by Christmas and y by next summer etc. Do you think they would be up for you learning to drive in their car now that you are 17? If you pass your test they may be more comfortable with you going to visit friends etc. at night if you can drive home rather than taking the bus.

Chuchoter

Well I suppose a bit of background is in order. I came out to my parents in January, then again in February. I had been at this gay youth group, they freaked and said if you go to counselling until July you can go back to this group/go places when you want (within reason) and have the internet back to yourself. I did everything I was supposed to do: I went to counselling, kept internet history turned on, didn't bring the laptop upstairs etc etc. However whats happened now is not only have they forgotten the deal, they've forgotten the entire thing ever happened: ie my mum points out boys to me (I'm lesbian). Its like that entire 8 months never existed. I have never lied to my parents about anything other than my being gay and the youth group (which ended at 6 o'clock in the evening on a Sunday :S). They've always been very overprotective, but its only since this happened that they've gone insane.

Deliverance

Fair play to you for 'coming out' first of all. That must have been hard enough (not as hard these days thankfully) but you sound mature enough as an individual to have done that, I think your parents should be proud of you really. I suppose you have the burden really by your parents eventual acceptance of who you are as a person. Gay, straight, goth, punk whatever lifestyle that you choose etc will always be a problem for any parent in a way.

You have to realise that the last generation of folks i.e. parents would and will find this difficult through design, that is life. I think that they will accept your choices eventually and support you as such.

I think it will work out for you in the end, your parents sound like good people at heart but at the same time you do need to stand up to them and make them accept that you really, really are sure about your self. You sound like you are sure so I think it will work out ok for you. I suppose it takes time to digest, give them a chance to do that and make sure that they accept rules that you need to apply yourself, rules such as respect for your privacy etc.

Hope it works out, I'm sure it will.

Nevyn

Have you offered your parents any links or information where they can get help and support when you came out to them? http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/parentsSupport.html

It sounds like they are hoping it's a phase and you have come under someones influence and hope that by limiting your contact with people that you will 'straighten' out.