How can I help myself not become like abusive father?

LegacyUser

My father was abusive and still is now. This abuse was mostly verbal and sometimes physical. Nowadays it is almost exclusively verbal. He is very quick to put you down with below the belt snide remarks - for example, I was bullied in my childhood and he would say things during arguments like "well at least I can make friends, not like you."

The problem is I still forgive him for it every time it happens. Bllod is thick and it is tough to just walk away from that. 80% of the time he is lovely, charming and great to be around but he is impatient, irritable, short tempered and nasty for at least 2 of the 7 days in a week.

The physical abuse has only stopped because I stood up to it once and got the better of him and he hasn't come near me since.

Worryingly, I have developed a defence mechanism whereby I can be incredibly abusive myself in a verbal sense. At times I gave my last girlfriend an awful time when we argued (NEVER physically) and increasingly I can see more and more of this kind of behaviour eminating from me, and it makes me sick.

I don't know what I can do, but I really need to get a hold of it. I believe I have developed enough self control physically to not be abusive in that way (I'd never forgive myself) but I have an incredibly ugly tongue and I'm very quick to tear people apart if I even get a feeling that they are trying to put me down. I understand the need to stand your ground and not be a doormat but I go way too far sometimes.

Has anybody got any advice for me as to how I can learn to stand up for myself without resorting horrible levels of verbal abuse. And also how do you guys keep a lid on your temper as I have inherited his fiery temper though I do a better job of not losing it than he does.

I just feel at the moment like I'm slipping into a horrible spiral towards becomming everything I despise about him.

metrovelvet

Google 'identifying with the aggressor' and 'repetition compulsion'

To sum up, people who were victims of abuse will and often take on the charateristics of their abuser in times of stress to give them an illusion of control so as to avoid being a victim again.

How do you break the cycle? Either godly self discipline and awareness or therapy.

Hth.

Zen65

abused wrote: »

Has anybody got any advice for me as to how I can learn to stand up for myself without resorting horrible levels of verbal abuse. And also how do you guys keep a lid on your temper as I have inherited his fiery temper though I do a better job of not losing it than he does.

My father also had a short temper (though in my youth the term "abusive" was not used to describe this.... it was fairly normal parenting for its time) and I have inherited this unpleasant trait. Through martial arts training I keep it under control. When you do not fear violence, you do not resort to it.

Be at peace,

Z

kittykrazy

Somebody once pointed out to me that the way family treats us becomes familiar. What they meant is that the way a family shows us love becomes the way we learn to show love.

I'd suggest talking to a therapist and/or looking into cognitive behaviour therapy to try and change the bad association if that is what's happening for you.

There's a book called "non violent communication" that is supposed to be excellent for ideas on how to identify what you're feeling, why you're feeling it, how to communicate and deal with any reaction. Mindfulness might be something to look into as well.

I hope you can get over this anger. Good luck!