Waiting Staff in Restaurants

Clashmore

Hi girls,

Have noticed something the lst few times that i've been out with my other half.
At the end of a meal in a restaurant the bill is given to the man, even though the women has requested the bill. This has happened to me a few times in past 6 months. I was in a restaurant on Sat nite, I had organised the meal and was paying for it. I requested the bill but the waitress brought it and gave it to my OH and not me. Was wondering has any one else come across this and why staff assume that the man is paying for the meal.

Silverfish

I don't know.

It's madness. I've had the bill handed to my bf, I've taken it, handed the waiter my card, put in my number, the waiter took the receipt.....and handed it to my bf.

It's a bit irritating to both parties.

Truley

I worked for years as a waitress and unless otherwise asked it's common waitressing 'etiquette' to address the male first. This includes such things as tasting/pouring the wine, giving the bill and even taking orders. I'd imagine it's a throwback from an older era but I wouldn't make a big deal of it, you have to address someone first and more often then not the male is the bill payer. I think it's a habit really, most people going for dinner will presume the male will be addressed first anyway so it saves confusion for both parties. That's my experience from waitressing anyway.

However I would consider it rude to do it despite being specifically asked by the female. Sounds like bad waitressing from your experience.

Madame Razz

I notice it with food also. Like say you order a steak and your boyfriend orders the salmon, they'll usually profer you the salmon when they deliver the food to the table:rolleyes:

Very irritating to think that in 2010 restaurants still assume that the man will pay and the woman won't eat steak!!

I've had it happen a few times, but laughed at it.
I think the easiest thing for them to do would be to put it in the middle of the table if nobody is reaching for it... I'm pretty sure a number of them do that.

convert

I've only had it happen maybe twice or three times, which isn't too bad, I suppose. Sometimes I've found if the watier/waitress isn't sure who to give the bill to they'll sometimes leave it in between the two of us and hope for the best!

I've never really had a problem with the wine tasting in that they'll ask who wants to taste it (usually I leave that to my OH as he's more fussy than me! :rolleyes: ), but there have been times where I've tasted it and there's no issue.

However, being completely honest, it wouldn't bug me hugely - both my OH and I have laughed at it in the past. Bad service annoys me far more that something like that!

Actually, while I'm on the topic of assumptions like that: I was on holidays in Crete with my OH a few years ago, and in one of the restaurants we went to (which was really good), the men were given blue napkins while the women were given yellow napkins. We ate there twice and there was no exception made. It seems to have been their policy. Again, it's not something that would bother me - I find it amusing!

Truley

FUtoo wrote: »

I notice it with food also. Like say you order a steak and your boyfriend orders the salmon, they'll usually profer you the salmon when they deliver the food to the table:rolleyes:

Very irritating to think that in 2010 restaurants still assume that the man will pay and the woman won't eat steak!!

In fairness when you work in waitressing long enough you will see that there is a very definate gender divide with what food people eat in restaurants. More often than not men will go for something like beef or steak and the woman chicken or salmon. That's not just a stereotype I would wager every waitress will observe the same. So on a busy shift when you're rushed and stressed it's easy to forget who ordered what. If you were to take a wild guess like I said above, 95% of the time you will be right. I think the issue is more a practical one than a feminist one, I wouldn't take it personally.

Silverfish

Yeah, I'll be honest, I've often had my steak handed to himself, but as long as it's on the table I don't care who they handed it to, it's more YAY MY FOOD IS HERE!

I wouldn't ever comment or say anything, we say 'Thank you!' wait til they've left, and swap the plates.

Madame Razz

Silverfish wrote: »

Yeah, I'll be honest, I've often had my steak handed to himself, but as long as it's on the table I don't care who they handed it to, it's more YAY MY FOOD IS HERE!

I wouldn't ever comment or say anything, we say 'Thank you!' wait til they've left, and swap the plates.

Oh no, definately; we just swap the plates once they've gone too; it always makes us laugh tho!

The Big Red Button

Another one I've found - when we're out for dinner, my fiance usually orders dessert (generally something very chocolatey!) and I usually don't. Guess who they always give the big chocolatey dessert to? It's not something that bothers me though.

I've definitely found that he always gets handed the bill - you'd think it would just be easier to put it in the middle of the table! Again, it doesn't bother either of us.

Truley wrote: »

I worked for years as a waitress and unless otherwise asked it's common waitressing 'etiquette' to address the male first. This includes such things as tasting/pouring the wine, giving the bill and even taking orders.

Weirdly enough, I usually find that I'm the one asked to taste the wine (even though he generally picks it and orders it!) and I'm the one asked for my order first!

R.D. aka MR.D

Ha yes my OH and I find this hilarious!

A lot of places just sit it in the middle but other times they hand it to him.

Once we were in a very posh place and even though i had handed my card to the waiter he handed it to my OH to type in the pin! He didn't know it of course! he was mortified!!!!! We still laugh about it!

Usually I order a beer and he'll have a cocktail, always served the other away around!

We usually have a laugh about it but I guess it is a bit offensive, but I don't see any way to fix it other than put it down in the middle and wait for some one to grab it. But then people might find that rude!!!

I do find it quite offensive. It's also happened to me where I've handed over my card, the waiter puts it in the machine and then hands the machine to my BF. That is annoying, surely it's not difficult to remember who gave the card? It makes my boyfriend feel really bad as well, as if the waiter thinks the girl can't possibly be expected to pay.

LittleBook

Truley wrote: »

I worked for years as a waitress and unless otherwise asked it's common waitressing 'etiquette' to address the male first. This includes such things as tasting/pouring the wine, giving the bill and even taking orders. I'd imagine it's a throwback from an older era but I wouldn't make a big deal of it, you have to address someone first and more often then not the male is the bill payer. I think it's a habit really, most people going for dinner will presume the male will be addressed first anyway so it saves confusion for both parties. That's my experience from waitressing anyway.

Whoever chooses and orders the wine, tastes it.

Whoever asks for the bill, gets it.

Simples.

SugarHigh

FUtoo wrote: »

I notice it with food also. Like say you order a steak and your boyfriend orders the salmon, they'll usually profer you the salmon when they deliver the food to the table:rolleyes:

Very irritating to think that in 2010 restaurants still assume that the man will pay and the woman won't eat steak!!

But that is a safe assumption. Men still pay for most meals out.

SugarHigh

Truley wrote: »

In fairness when you work in waitressing long enough you will see that there is a very definate gender divide with what food people eat in restaurants. More often than not men will go for something like beef or steak and the woman chicken or salmon. That's not just a stereotype I would wager every waitress will observe the same. So on a busy shift when you're rushed and stressed it's easy to forget who ordered what. If you were to take a wild guess like I said above, 95% of the time you will be right. I think the issue is more a practical one than a feminist one, I wouldn't take it personally.

+1 I think people are grasping at straws and going out of there way to be offended.

Malari

When I visited the UAE and ate out with my brother any direct question I asked the waiting staff, the answer would be directed towards him.

Me: Table for two please
Waiter: It will be five minutes, sir, if you'd like to wait at the bar?
Me:

I found it baffling at first, but he explained it was considered rude for the woman to be spoken to! It sort of amused me after that. Especially when I bought HIM dinner and profered my credit card

Here with my boyfriend, I'll often have to switch plates or he'll be given the authorisation machine with my credit card in it, but it doesn't bother me.

I think it's more common for people of a younger age to split or pay for every second meal. I know when my parents eat out dad pays. That's not to say it's not coming from a joint account, it's just they've always done it that way!

jellie

SugarHigh wrote: »

But that is a safe assumption. Men still pay for most meals out.

What are you basing this on?

WesternNight

I've had that bill thing happen to me several times, but the worst was an Indian restaurant where I was basically completely ignored by the waiter.

I'd get my order in, he'd do the same, and then the waiter would ask "would you like anything else, sir?" "anything to drink, sir?".

Then he'd come along mid-meal - "is everything alright for you, sir?"

No eye contact with me, or any acknowledgement that I was even there...I'm amazed I got any food there at all!

:mad:

Emme

SugarHigh wrote: »

But that is a safe assumption. Men still pay for most meals out.

Do they? :rolleyes: Not in my experience they don't.

convert

The waiting staff in most places I've been to where I've asked for the bill have given me the bill - apart from one, though I think that was due to the fact that when I asked for the bill my OH wasn't at the table so I think the waitress must have assumed I was having a bad 'date' and that I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible and that he should pay for the meal!

At another restaurant my OH asked for the bill and it was given to him, and the poor waiter was mortified when I produced my card to pay. In fairness, it wasn't his fault - my OH asked for the bill, therefore he received it. If I had asked for it, it would have been given to me.

I think that's just the best way of dealing with things - whoever asks for the bill should receive it.

Regarding who orders what, I've often found that if the person who serves the meal hasn't actually taken the order, they'll often ask who was having the steak/fish/chicken, etc. rather than make the mistake of getting it wrong. It's probably the 'safest' method, though no doubt that would annoy some people too!

panda100

I have to admit to having the opposite experience in restaurants. Waiters are usually a lot more attentive to me than my other half. I always get offered the wine first and get asked If everything is ok for me. My boyfriends always feel quite left out of the whole dining experience1 I always thought it was because women are more likely to give a bigger tip or something?


The bill is usually placed in the middle of the table to no one in particular, I would be insulted If It was given to my boyfriend tbh.

pickarooney

I don't think I've ever experienced any of the above here. The bill is either placed on the table or giving to the person who holds out a hand for it and if they don't know what meal is for whom they'll just say the name of the dish and the appropriate person will hold up a hand. It sounds like you're dealing with imbeciles.

Lia_lia

I waitress in a fancy enough hotel. Whoever asks for the bill gets it. If nobody asks for the bill I just place it somewhere on the table. Same with wine. Whoever orders it tastes it.

Dinxminx

FUtoo wrote: »

I notice it with food also. Like say you order a steak and your boyfriend orders the salmon, they'll usually profer you the salmon when they deliver the food to the table:rolleyes:

Very irritating to think that in 2010 restaurants still assume that the man will pay and the woman won't eat steak!!

My boyfriend's a vegetarian, and every single time we go out without fail he's offered my delicious meaty meal and I'm offered the salad.

It drives me absolutely nuts!

28064212

pickarooney wrote: »

I don't think I've ever experienced any of the above here. The bill is either placed on the table or giving to the person who holds out a hand for it and if they don't know what meal is for whom they'll just say the name of the dish and the appropriate person will hold up a hand. It sounds like you're dealing with imbeciles.

+1, especially the bolded part. Any restaurant I've been in, they either have a system for taking orders which means the waiter knows exactly where to put everything, or else they'll ask as they arrive with each meal. I've never seen them assume that a steak/salad/etc is for a man/woman/other.

LittleBook

One other thing ... I'm convinced that women are keeping the restaurant industry alive. Next time you're out look around ... it's either groups of women or couples who, dare I say it, are probably there at the request of the woman.

It's not clever to annoy the group of customers who are keeping your business open.

Huh, that's weird. Generally I give the bill as well as the change and receipt to the person that requested it. Maybe they're going by the old fashioned notion that the guy always pays?

sesna

SugarHigh wrote: »

+1 I think people are grasping at straws and going out of there way to be offended.

+100000000000

eightyfish

My girlfriend often orders steak or some sort of red meat when we go out. I often order seafood. When we do this, despite the waiter having taken our orders, he/she inevitably comes with the food and offers me the steak and her the seafood. It's amusing.

WesternNight

SugarHigh wrote: »

+1 I think people are grasping at straws and going out of there way to be offended.

But of course. Because, shur, it's impossible for women to be righfully offended about anything, right? :rolleyes:

It's funny how women are always "feminists" if they dare to mention something that bothers them about how they're treated by service people/the general public.

The Big Red Button

eightyfish wrote: »

My girlfriend often orders steak or some sort of red meat when we go out. I often order seafood. When we do this, despite the waiter having taken our orders, he/she inevitably comes with the food and offers me the steak and her the seafood. It's amusing.

You know, I bet if you did a poll in AH of what you order when you eat out (separated by gender), you'd probably find that over 50% of the steak eaters are men and over 50% of the salmon/salad eaters are women.

And of course there are loads of exceptions to this. And, ideally, the waiter/waitress should remember who ordered what, or make a note of it if necessary.

But if they haven't done so, and they arrive down with the dishes and have to make a snap decision (bearing in mind also that the dishes will probably be hot and heavy and they'll want to put them down asap!), they will probably give the steak to the guy based on their own experience in the job and the trends that they've noticed.

And yeah, it would be better if they just asked "Who's for the steak?" or whatever, but to be honest I don't really see the point in getting annoyed about it if they don't. Like you said, it's probably amusing if it happens to you all the time, but I don't see why anyone would take offence!

Cadyboo

I have experienced what others are saying about the meat dishes. One time I ordered steak, OH ordered chicken. Waiter came and said 'Who is for the steak' i said 'thats me thanks', and he gave me a really shocked looked. I was disgraced. You wouldnt mind if it was a 16oz but was only a tiny 8oz. Needless to say he didnt get a big tip.

eightyfish

chatterpillar wrote: »

And yeah, it would be better if they just asked "Who's for the steak?" or whatever, but to be honest I don't really see the point in getting annoyed about it if they don't. Like you said, it's probably amusing if it happens to you all the time, but I don't see why anyone would take offence!

Yes all of that is obvious. I just think it's amusing that they always preusme the boys go for steak. Why do you preume I took offence or was annoyed?

SugarHigh

Cadyboo wrote: »

I have experienced what others are saying about the meat dishes. One time I ordered steak, OH ordered chicken. Waiter came and said 'Who is for the steak' i said 'thats me thanks', and he gave me a really shocked looked. I was disgraced. You wouldnt mind if it was a 16oz but was only a tiny 8oz. Needless to say he didnt get a big tip.

How could you be disgraced?

I don't believe the waiter was shocked, do you really think your the first women to order steak? Why would he even ask "Who is for steak" if he didn't think there was a possibility it was yours?

Silverfish

Are you just here to argue with everyone?

Cadyboo

SugarHigh wrote: »

How could you be disgraced?

I don't believe the waiter was shocked, do you really think your the first women to order steak? Why would he even ask "Who is for steak" if he didn't think there was a possibility it was yours?

For gods sake, No obviously Im not the only woman to ever order steak! And it was the way he looked at me, was like oh my god, you got the steak and your fella got chicken. He made me feel embarrassed for ordering steak.
And he asked because it is the norm in that restaurant.
I have been way too polite in my reply to you.

The Big Red Button

chatterpillar wrote: »

And yeah, it would be better if they just asked "Who's for the steak?" or whatever, but to be honest I don't really see the point in getting annoyed about it if they don't. Like you said, it's probably amusing if it happens to you all the time, but I don't see why anyone would take offence!

eightyfish wrote: »

Yes all of that is obvious. I just think it's amusing that they always preusme the boys go for steak. Why do you preume I took offence or was annoyed?

No that was my point, I was actually agreeing with you but I phrased it badly!

What I was trying to say was that, like you said, it's probably amusing if it happens you a lot. But that I couldn't see why some others seemed to find it possibly offensive!

Sorry for the misunderstanding!

MJOR

it wouldn't bother me tp be honest once the waiter / waitress was nice and attentive i am a happy bunny!

Susie_Q

If I'm out to dinner and the waiting staff assume the steak is for my OH and that he's paying I consider this bad service and it's reflected in my tip (or lack of). Highly offensive, hugely outdated and easily avoided - how hard is it to just ask who ordered the steak or who wants the bill?

SugarHigh

Silverfish wrote: »

Are you just here to argue with everyone?

It's just funny that everyone is pretending like their so hard done by when they are just being ridiculously sensitive.

Silverfish

SugarHigh wrote: »

It's just funny that everyone is pretending like their so hard done by when they are just being ridiculously sensitive.

No, they are just discussing from a female point of view how women are sometimes treated in restaurants, some of the time.

A perfectly valid thread for the forum.

MistyCheese

I've paid cashiers and had change handed not to me. But ten times worse is when it's a credit card. I always wonder what if, one day, I'm on my own and a guy is standing a little too close behind me and is given my card because we're assumed to be a couple. !Adiós Credit Card!

I'd love to one day meet a man who would hand the change or card back to the cashier and say "I'm sorry, I didn't pay you. This isn't mine." Or similiar. In other words, shame the cashier into realising that they should give change to the person who paid them.

And I'm not one of those people who makes a point just for the sake of making a point. Usually. I did read about a woman who absolutely freaked out because she and her fiance went to get a marriage licence and she was asked if she would be changing her name but he wasn't. She hit the roof! Why not ask him? she wondered. Not realising how forward the office was to even ask her if she wanted to change her name rather than just assume she automatically would be changing her name.

donfers

Silverfish wrote: »

No, they are just discussing from a female point of view how women are sometimes treated in restaurants, some of the time.

A perfectly valid thread for the forum.

He's not saying it's not a perfectly valid thread for discussion, it is and it's something I had never really noticed and is an interesting topic, he is merely saying that in his view some of the reactions here are ridiculously sensitive (just one man's view, a view I share by the way but that doesn't mean necessarily it's a universal truth - I can understand how some could be offended by this), I hope him expressing that view is ok with you even though he is male.

Twee.

I paid for tea and cake on mine and my boyfriend's first date and he was given the bill and receipt even though I'd asked for it. We just laughed about it though. Can't say I've ever noticed it happening again, and we usually pay everything 50/50.

Silverfish

donfers wrote: »

He's not saying it's not a perfectly valid thread for discussion, it is and it's something I had never really noticed and is an interesting topic, he is merely saying that in his view some of the reactions here are ridiculously sensitive (just one man's view, a view I share by the way but that doesn't mean necessarily it's a universal truth - I can understand how some could be offended by this), I hope him expressing that view is ok with you even though he is male.

There is a difference between contributing to the thread, and only posting to comment on other posters.

Please do not take this thread off topic,

Thanks.

Kooli

I have to agree, I can't see how this can be viewed as 'highly offensive'. I'm wondering how people are interpreting the steak issue in order for it to be viewed as offensive?
I would often order steak. If it was put on my boyfriends side, I would just think 'they must have presumed it was for him because the steak is usually more popular with the men'. End of.
So is that people are interpreting it that the waiter thinks they are not able for a steak? That they are not entitled to order the steak? That they should be ordering more 'ladylike' meals?

Would people be equally offended if, say, they were out for dinner with their mother and the waiter presumed the G&T you ordered was for her and the mojito she ordered was for you? I'm just trying to figure out if this is a gender issue or just an issue with wait staff getting the order mixed up.

LittleBook

I believe there are still restaurants in existence today (although much less than in the 50s, 60s and 70s) who keep "Ladies Menus" or "Blind Menus" which don't show the prices in the restaurant, only the "Men's Menu", possibly trying to retain some olde worlde charm.

I haven't actually come across this business of handing the wine/steak/bill to the man at the table, maybe I'm just lucky that anytime I've eaten out with the OH we've had professional and courteous waiting staff.

But if I ordered a bottle of wine or if I asked for the bill and it was handed to himself (or anyone else other than me!) I would absolutely consider it either careless or rude.

I would love to see the reactions to a post where a man said that his girlfriend asked for the bill but it was handed to him like he was expected to pay in this day and age.

Wibbs

Kooli wrote: »

I'm just trying to figure out if this is a gender issue or just an issue with wait staff getting the order mixed up.

I agree. I think it depends on the individual situation. Steak/drink mixup? Hardly an issue. Given the average Irish mans choice on a menu involves steak even in a veggie restaurant. The woman paying for the meal and the member of staff handing back the change to the bloke? Yea that would irritate me alright. Plus it makes no sense at all. Just addressing the man? Ditto.

pickarooney

I'm just wondering, for those who regularly experience the bill being handed to the wrong person - how do you normally react when the waiter arrives with the bill? Do you look up at him/her or keep your eyes on the table/your co-diner? Do both of you look up? Does either party reach out a hand? Maybe there's some body language you're unaware of which says 'this is for me' or 'this isn't mine'?

I know when a waiter arrives with several plates my natural instinct is to look for my own plate (I'm hungry and this is the first step in eating it ). Likewise, when the bill is coming, I want to be the first to catch the waiter's attention if I'm paying, particularly if there's going to be a Mrs. Doyle-style put-it-away discussion.

A staff member giving change to someone who didn't pay is downright incompetence though, or worse, they're gambling that the man is more likely to give them a larger tip out of it, despite the fact it's not his money to give.

ERR!

I have worked as a waitress for the last 4 years during college...

The rule is whoever asks for the bill you hand it to them, like say if you have group of more than two whoever asks for the bill at the table will receive it into their hand.


However if it is a couple and they ask for the bill say the woman gets your attention and the man asks for it the bill is always placed in the middle no matter what. The waiter has no idea who is paying the man or the woman or splitting so in the middle is perfect because it leaves it up to the couple.



Also for paying with laser I always hand back the receipt to who entered the pin no matter what.

With serving drinks and food you must always serve the woman first, its etiquette not sexist or any other form of singling out.I personally think its rude not to serve the woman first.

With serving food to the table normally we look after our own tables so I take the order bring the food and I know who has ordered what because I have taken their order, however at weekends when crazy busy we have a person dedicated to just bringing out food!! So for instance if I was doing food running upon arrival to the table I would look at cutlery if it was a steak and salmon whoever has the steak knife the food is for if no difference in cutlery always ask because ALOT of women do eat steaks these days is what iv noticed I don't think you can presume who will eat what, its down to the persons choice at the end of the day.

Now when it comes to serving drinks and there is a couple standing at the bar 99% of the time when I say to the couple directly Can I help you?? The man will answer with the order... never the woman its weird....

I then will get the drinks and put the receipt down in the middle of them yet again 99% of the time the man will pay out of his own pocket for them!! That's my 2 cent on the situation anyway

krudler

Men usually eat steak, obviously women do too but its not really a big deal, usually any time I'm in a restaraunt the waiter/ress just asks who ordered what dish, surely thats the easy option? It'd be the same if a guy went to a bar and ordered a pint and a glass of wine 99.9999999% of barmen would assume the wine is for a woman even though it might not be, its not even an issue.