Am I too selfish?

LegacyUser

Hey PI. Had to go unreg for this. I'm a 28 year old single guy. Employed, own my own place, live with a girl I've been friends with for about 12 years. I have a good group of mates (whom she doesn;t know). I've recently had a chat with my flat mate that really has made me start questioning who I am. Myself and this girl dated very briefly when we were 16, only a few weeks, but we've been good friends ever since. So there definitely isn't any romantic feelings there. Not from me, anyway.

Over the last week, we got into a conversation about our friendship. It seemed that she had been getting annoyed at me over the couple of months, and it finally came to a head when I asked her what was wrong and basically had to force the issue. She said that I had become very selfish in how I act towards her. She felt that I never give her the space she needs in the apartment and that I don't treat her as a friend any more. She felt that she always had to sit in her bedroom, and that anything she did in the livingroom/kitchen area pissed me off.

Now, I genuinely was very shocked by this. Not that she was pissed off. I knew something was up. But shocked that she felt that way about me. I really don't feel any of those things that she said about me. I had no idea that she felt that she couldn't share the communal area. To be honest, she's always been a quiet and very private person. So when she spent most of her time in the bedroom, I thought that's what she wanted. I always was open to her coming out and sharing in what I was watching, but we have very different tastes, so I figured she was okay in what she was doing.

The thing is, she never said any of these things to me, so I couldn't deal with them. I'm not a mind reader. I have been very busy with work too, so our social time has kind of suffered, but work's a nightmare at the moment, and I rarely get any nights off mid-week. And then she works weekends. She has nights off during the week, and suggested we do something, but I cant give a solid time, and have had to cancel a number of times. Not because I don't like spending time with her. I wouldn't live with her otherwise!

But I'm beginning to think maybe I'm a very selfish person, and don't even have the cop to realise it. I do help my friends out and do what I can for them, but then I do sometimes think I benefit from it by fending off boredom by spending time with them. It probably sounds stupid, or even confusing. But now I feel I'm stupidly out of touch with reality, and selfish too. I now feel like I don't actually do any selfless acts, and that everything I do, I benefit from and therefore I'm inherrently selfish. Am I right?!

There's a difference between being selfish and being only slightly insensitive. You weren't selfish, you just weren't particularly sensitive about her feelings. You didn't do anything wrong, but I can understand why she would feel a bit pissy. Maybe cook her dinner/have a takeaway together, just show you didn't realise she was feeling bad and you want her to feel better. Next time she's alone in her room, just knock and check she doesn't want to come watch tv/have lunch with you. If she's ok with it, maybe go in and have a chat with her.

LegacyUser

"She said that I had become very selfish in how I act towards her. She felt that I never give her the space she needs in the apartment and that I don't treat her as a friend any more. She felt that she always had to sit in her bedroom, and that anything she did in the livingroom/kitchen area pissed me off."

You haven't explained why she felt like this, except for why you don't have time to go out with her at the minute.

She says you don't give her the space she needs in the apartment. You say you were always open to her coming out and sharing in what you was watching, but that's not same thing. That means join in what you were already doing rather than being free to do what she wants. If you have very different tastes that leaves her no option only to sit in her room.

What about her last point - that anything she did in the communal area pissed you off? Why does she feel that? That would send her into her room too.

Maybe you've been so caught up in your job that you've just fully occupied the place without thinking, and she feels pushed out. And maybe because she's your friend and knows you're hassled she didn't feel she could say it, but still felt pissed off by it.

Kidchameleon

Perhaps you guys are just living together too long. Maybe, for the sake of your friendship it would be best if she moved out

seamus

There is something of an unspoken rule in housesharing agreements that the person who "got there first" has control.

So if you're watching TV when she comes in, you inherently have control of the TV until you give it up. Likewise with the kitchen facilities - if you're cooking when she comes in, then she has to wait for you to finish before she can start.

If it's the case that you *always* seem to be home first or the one who starts cooking first, then you can see how it would start to become annoying when she *always* has to wait to use the facilities? Perhaps this is what's happening and it's just gotten to the point where she finds herself irritated by your presence.

Do you have any hobbies, or would you say that you spend a lot of time at home? That too can be annoying - we all need our space in our own home to be alone, walk around naked and sing along with the stereo. There's nothing worse than a housemate who never leaves except to go to work. In fact, it's mentally draining because you rarely get to properly relax by yourself.

It could be as simple as recognising this and thinking about it. So offer her control of the TV if you've been watching it for ages or ask what time she'll be home so that you can make sure that the kitchen is available to her then - or offer to cook her dinner when you're making yours. If you're really serious about spending time with her, going to the cinema or whatever, then put work as priority number 2, where it should be. Your own wellbeing and friends and family should always take priority over work, so the next time work threatens to cancel your plans, hold fast and leave work where it is. It will always be there the next day.

It could also just be the end of the line, as the poster above me says. Most people who aren't in a relationship will eventually tire of being in eachother's pockets all the time and for the sake of the friendship it can be better just to find somewhere else to live.