Trouble having orgasms

LegacyUser

I'm a fairly regular poster, but I'm going unreg for this one because it's fairly embarrassing. I'm female and in her early 20's.

I have trouble having orgasms. There isn't any particular reason for this - I love sex and am happy to initiate it with my boyfriend. However it just seems to be quite rare that I manage to actually achieve an orgasm. It doesn't make me feel frustrated after sex - I really enjoy the cuddling afterwards actually - but if my boyfriend realises I haven't come he insists that we continue sexual activity until I do. I know I shouldn't fake it, but I do, because I know that I won't come and I don't want to make him feel like he's doing something wrong.

Most of the advice you see in magazines for this sort of thing suggest masturbation and sex toys so you can learn what you like and then show your partner what works for you. However, I don't masturbate, I tried using a vibrator and it was nice for a while and then I got bored.

Is there something wrong with me? I really enjoy foreplay and intercourse, I just don't seem to be able to finish The only possible reason I can think of for why I can't orgasm is that I'm a bit self-conscious about my weight, not that I'm huge or anything but my legs and bum are a bit more wobbly than I'd like. Also, my boyfriend was a virgin when we got together, and I'd only slept with one person before him, so neither of us is hugely experienced

Miss Fluff

I'd think it would really help getting back to basics with masturbation.

There are so many dildos and toys out there it can be intimidating, and some of them are rubbish imho, you have to find one or two that really suit and that can take time.

I'm not sure what turns you on but I'd recommend getting yourself relaxed, lubed up and exploring yourself with your hands. Not sure if porn is your thing but it's a great stimulant to add to the mix. And you don't have to turn into anything too hardcore if that's not your thing, lots of soft porn out there. Or perhaps try erotic fiction if you're not entirely comfortable with porn. Or your good old imagination.

Essentially you do need to know your body before guiding anyone else on how to get there!! Your sex life will be so much more fulfilling if you know how to get yourself off, and consequently show someone else as well.

fungun

NotComing wrote: »

if my boyfriend realises I haven't come he insists that we continue sexual activity until I do.

WTF? Seriously, you need to talk to him about this so he knows you enjoy sex without orgasms too. Maybe he has read too much cosmo or listened to too many boastful male stories so maybe get him some stats on how often women orgasm....and also the fact that more you are worried about this, the less likely it is you will orgasm.

Early 20s, female and not orgasming that regularly is pretty common i think (or at least was 10 years ago when i was that age!) so i wouldnt stress about that. If my missus is worried about anything or in any way uncomfortable her orgasm rate declines drastically, so if you are a bit worried about this issue, then its gonna be a vicious circle. Id say try to relax, keep trying slightly different things to see what works for you and...practice makes perfect!

Ickle Magoo

Do you get really horny? Don't worry about the vibrator getting boring, variety is the spice of life! Try porn or erotic literature or just good old imagination.

You have to learn your body's cues well enough that you really know what makes it tick and what helps bring you to orgasm; everyone is different so I'd second MissF's suggestion of trying to get back into the masturbation whenever you feel horny, get relaxed, get some privacy and try to really let go. Orgasms are as much between the ears as they are between the legs and knowing you can have one and how is half the battle.

Dudess

Well a considerable number of women don't climax via penetration - and there's nothing wrong with them. Maybe you're one of those women. Also, I'd say you could be onto something with the body hang-up thing. Being self-conscious certainly distracts your mind during sex, to the detriment of the overall experience. What you need is total relaxation and feeling 100% comfortable with your partner - and that of course can be easier said than done. He's seen you many times naked though and he's obviously not turned off, so try and focus on this rather than your bits that you feel uncomfortable about. Also, you view your bum and thighs as more wobbly than you'd like them to be, he may view them as gorgeously womanly and curvy. Bottom line (sorry) though: he's really into you because he's your boyfriend, therefore that is often enough to cancel out any bodily imperfections, which we ALL have.
Do you have any specific fantasies that you'd like to try out with him? Try and relax, think about stuff you'd like done to you. As others have said, get in tune with your body.

As for not masturbating: [Samantha]Honey, why the hell not?![/Samantha]
Seriously, for utterly spectacular orgasms ya gotta get acquainted with your clitoris. It's possible to make yourself very happy indeed via it when you're on your own so throw a guy you're crazy about and love being intimate with into the mix and... please!!!
I have read about women who aren't into being stimulated clitorally, they find it uncomfortable and too sensitive etc. Now maybe it's a biological thing (in the same way that some women orgasm via penetration, some don't) but I would wager many of those women are not doing it in a way that is right for them, or if it's because of their man's attempts to pleasure them digitally/orally, he's not doing it the right way for them either. You can only figure out what's right for you by taking some time to try different approaches, on your own if needs be.
If the two of you feel too inhibited to engage in oral (as in, him going down on you - I don't know whether you give him blow-jobs) just Google cunnilingus and research what you could be experiencing - yowza! Not trying to pressurise you, but it's a wonderful thing to experience with your partner and you would be doing yourself a disservice by missing out.

LegacyUser

Can't give you advice OP, other than to say I'm a 40-odd year old female, and I have had one orgasm whilst having sex in my whole life! I can't have an orgasm from penetration alone - and have always had to be stimulated by my partner either before, or after sex. It works for me. It's not something I talk about to my friends, so I'm not sure how normal, or 'not' I am, but like I said, it works for me so you're not alone OP.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 30. I was just never into masturbating. It was pre-SATC days where there was still a bit of stigma attached to masturbating.
Anyway one night I came from the pub, drunk and horny and had my first orgasm.
I had a boyfriend before this but we didn't seem to connect sexually so never had an orgasm with him.
Masturbation is the only way to go. I've discovered what makes me tick and what buttons to press, so to speak!

I have read about women who aren't into being stimulated clitorally, they find it uncomfortable and too sensitive etc. Now maybe it's a biological thing (in the same way that some women orgasm via penetration, some don't) but I would wager many of those women are not doing it in a way that is right for them

I am one of these women and clitoral stimulation does nothing for me. I've tried nice and slow and really fast but nothing works. All my orgasms come from deep inside the vagina. G-spot and beyond that.
Although I read an article about this and doctors reckon that the vaginal wall is an extension of the clitoris and what I and other similar women are still having a 'clitoral' orgasm.
OP I would try out the G-spot and see if it works for you. I don't mean to be graphic but if I'm very turned on all I need to do is squeeze my legs together very tight to achieve orgasm.

This could be a reason why you are getting bored with the vibrator. You might be concentrating on the wrong area.
Good luck OP

Pembily

My best friend was the exact same and I bought her a Rabbit and she got to know her own body and relaxed and eventually orgasmed!!! She wasn't seeing a guy at the time... I get you on the self conscious thing but you defo need to get aquainted with your own body as Miss Fluff said, if you know what gets you to orgasm then you can help guide your boyfriend in the right direction!!!!

If porn isn't your thing I find reading is quite good, I love this website Literoica or there is Nancy Friday, she is a really good author too!!!

Relax and try it alone first!!! Have fun trying and say it to your boyfriend, don't say you have been faking just that you enjoy sex without orgasms too!!!