Trouble with stepfather

LegacyUser

Title says it all, I'm having serious trouble with my stepfather. It's a long post. I'd appreciate if you could read to the end and offer any advice.

For some background: my biological father left my mother when I was still a toddler. It was always me and my mother and my other older siblings. If my mother ever asked me to help out around the house, I'd do it. I had and still have a great relationship with my mother. I am respectful to her. I don't think I've ever shouted at her and I do what she asks of me as I appreciate what she's done for me.

When I was 16, my mother met a new guy and she married him a few years later.

I don't like him. I never really did. He tries too hard to be funny and he's a desperate attention-seeker. He is childish, petty, racist, homophobic, condescending, sulky, unnecessarily boastful, obnoxious, fussy, hypocritical, arrogant, rude, nosy. I rarely refer to him as my stepfather, usually as my mother's husband. If I didn't have to live with him, I would not bother with someone I find so annoying. I know if my mother dies first, I will have no further contact with him. I honestly don't know what my mother likes about him but somehow he makes her happy so I put up with him for that and I'm glad she's happy again.

But God, he gets on my nerves. Since he moved in with us (by that stage, all my older siblings had all moved out, it had just been me and my mother), I've began to really loathe having him around. I didn't like him before but now he's around all the time and it's worse. He's retired so he just spends all day watching telly. My mother works very long hours so a lot of the time it's just him in the house with me, if I'm not out or at college.

He is so finicky and has to have everything his way. He pays his share of the bills, etc. so I appreciate that he does deserve a say in the household and one of greater importance than me as I have no money coming in whatsoever.

I'm 22 now. I recently did an Erasmus exchange. I was excited to leave the country and embark on a great experience. My flatmate abroad was a great guy. He was a great flatmate, absolutely perfect. I was glad to know I could live with someone who wasn't all the things my stepfather is.

I came back a few weeks ago. As it had been my first time living away from home, I knew it would be tough to re-adjust. However, he now seems worse than ever. I need my freedom and space, something my mother has respected since I got back but he doesn't seem to. I also feel like I'm a more fully-rounded adult, again, something my mother seems to have noticed.

He treats me like a child, telling me to do the dishes and help out around the house. Previously, I helped out around the house out of goodwill towards my mother. I never had to be asked. But now that he is doing this it drives me mad. He did it previously too but that didn't bother me as much. I think it bothers me more now because I have lived with someone else and there I didn't have to be asked to tidy up, etc. I did it. I still do it but he still tells me, even if I'm actually doing it.

I know I'm a responsible adult and I want to be treated like one by him, like my mother does. If she wants me to do something for her, she asks me politely and respectfully, not like he does i.e. never using "please" or "thanks" and almost always in the form of a guilt-trip question such as "would you do the dishes for your mother?". He does do other stuff around the house so it's not as if I do it all. I just don't liked being asked to do these things. It makes me feel like I'm unappreciated and that he thinks I never do anything and don't care for my mother.

My room is in the attic. I have my own telly, my books, my laptop up there so I don't need to go downstairs much, just to get food or drinks. I only really feel comfortable in my room. If I need to talk to him about something, which is rarely, I'll go down to the front room on the ground floor and talk to him. However, if he wants to tell me something, he shouts up from the ground floor and says "I need to tell you something". I'm an easy-going guy and I do my best to be polite to him and be the bigger man so I'll go downstairs and see what it is.

Last week, I was in my room. The next thing the door to the connecting room flung open and he was shouting my name up the stairs. I asked what it was, he said he'd been calling my name. I hadn't heard it because of the door had been closed. He was visibly angered and just dropped a letter for me on the ground, sulkily saying "that's for you" and stormed off downstairs. I don't understand why he got so worked up. I didn't hear him, surely he could have calmly walked up and told me, instead of barking at me.

Unfortunately, the letter contained my learner's permit and he has been teaching me to drive since. It hasn't been as bad as I imagined but there are times when his instructions are confusing and he then barks at me for making a mistake. The problem is I don't know anyone else who can teach me how to drive. I want to learn, I have my learner's permit and my mother's paying my insurance so I'm in a commitment. I can't pull out.

As I've come back from Erasmus, I have a lot of Erasmus-related college work to do. Today when I got up, I figured I should get started on it. After breakfast, I went up to my room and got cracking. About ten minutes later, he stormed in again, asking sarcastically if I actually wanted to learn to drive or not. I told him I did but that I needed to get my college work started. That's my priority now. He then gave out to me for not telling him and that I stay in bed all day and that I never talk to him. He then stormed off.

I do stay in bed late as I stay up late. I'm a nocturnal person and I find myself at my most productive/good-humoured from six o'clock onwards. I talk to him less than I did before I went away because I find him incredibly boring, ill-informed and boastful and I don't want to waste my time with people like that.

Usually, if I want to do a bit of driving, I'll ask him if he's available to do it, which he always is and we'd go then. If I don't want to do some, I just don't say anything.

I accept that communication between us is bad and I'm partly to blame. I do miss how it was before when I didn't have to vie with him for my mother's attention. I don't know if that'd be any different if he were someone less annoying but who knows. I never had such problems with my mother's other boyfriends but they never lived with us.

I do know I'm not the only one of my family who dislikes living with him. My sister moved back in with us awhile ago as she was between jobs. She hated living with him too. Luckily for her, she's out of here now. I still have one more year in college so I can't go anywhere for the time being. I'm intent on moving out once I finish college.

The thing is how do I stop from going mad in that year? I don't want to upset my mother by being on bad terms with him. I am afraid if I made her unhappy by getting into an argument with him, she'd side with him. However, I'm finding it harder and harder not to snap and start yelling at him about how much of a pain in the arse he is.

I feel like I have to put up with his crap to keep my good relationship with my mother but, like I said, I'm finding it tougher to live with this guy.

While writing this, I don't really know what this is about: is this guy really annoying me so much or am I just really desperate for my mother's approval?

Taltos

You are 22 and an adult.
Why are you living at home?

I think what you are feeling is totally natural seeing this other guy come into your home. However - it is now his home - his and your mom's. The fact that you both are clashing is I would hazard totally natural. In fact all of your criticism could be turned on it's head in his defense...

If you cannot learn to deal with this guy - then you really have only one option - you need to take responsibility for yourself and move out.

Look - at the end of the day - this guy is making your mother happy.
Your continued presence and your subconscious picking at him will just start to impact that happiness - is that what you really want? Do you really want to be the one that causes your mum pain???
You might say you won't - but look at your actions - is your mother blind - do you not think she cannot tell when you are unhappy...

Penn

To be honest, he doesn't actually sound that bad. I think its just your general dislike of him that is amplifying all the little annoying things he does into big issues. I mean, you complain that when he takes you out for a driving lesson he might bark orders, but at least he is taking you out. He sarcastically said "Do you want to learn to drive or not?" when you were doing college work, but he couldn't have known if that college work was urgent or not. He's trying to help you, even though he might not be gong about it the right way.

And you complain that when you want to talk to him you go downstairs, but he shouts up at you. But you also said that he retired a while ago, so I'm presuming he's around 60. He might not be an invalid but to be honest I think its only right that he shouldn't have to be up and down the stairs when he needs to talk to you. You're 22.

I think if you stop focusing on all the little things, gradually he'll start to annoy you less and less

Daisy Steiner

OP I'm assuming you have at least one more year of college before you can move out?

Sounds like a tough situation to be in. It must be really difficult to have to live with someone that irks you so much when you're not even related to them.

The thing is though, he's your mum's husband and he is providing things for her that you are unable to. You will have your degree soon and will be heading off into the world. From the sound of it. going abroad really worked for you so perhaps you'll do so again.

Try and remember that you are all adults in this situation and you should be able to rise above petty disagreements and not take offence at every little thing.

Beruthiel

FrustratedSon wrote: »

When I was 16, my mother met a new guy and she married him a few years later.

This is the reason you do not like the guy.
You had your mother to yourself for the first 16 years of your life.
Suddenly this bloke wanders in and starts taking over your terrority.
There isn't a 16 in the world who would be happy with that.
Face it, you were never going to like him. Bet you didn't like him before you even met.

Between that, and the fact you are 22, (a time when most adults naturally flee the nest), it's time to move out, because honestly, what you have described above, isn't actually that terrible. It's nothing more than a small case of personalities clashing.

LegacyUser

The stuff that's been said in replies that I haven't responded to is stuff I can understand and agree with. I just wanted to set the record on the following.

Taltos wrote:

Why are you living at home?

I'm going into my final year at college. I live close enough to commute in and out everyday. I have no job and living in the city centre would be too expensive.

paddyirishman85 wrote:

He sarcastically said "Do you want to learn to drive or not?" when you were doing college work, but he couldn't have known if that college work was urgent or not.

He's asked me a dozen times since I got back when am I going back to college and I've told him I had a whole load of work to do before and if I don't do it, I won't be let into my final year in September.

paddyirishman85 wrote:

And you complain that when you want to talk to him you go downstairs, but he shouts up at you. But you also said that he retired a while ago, so I'm presuming he's around 60. He might not be an invalid but to be honest I think its only right that he shouldn't have to be up and down the stairs when he needs to talk to you. You're 22.

He's 50. Apart from being a little overweight, he's perfectly healthy. He can burst up the stairs when he wants to as well.

Beruthiel wrote:

This is the reason you do not like the guy.
You had your mother to yourself for the first 16 years of your life.
Suddenly this bloke wanders in and starts taking over your terrority.
There isn't a 16 in the world who would be happy with that.
Face it, you were never going to like him. Bet you didn't like him before you even met.

I didn't have my mother to myself for 16 years, it was one at most. I had several other older siblings who slowly moved out over the years. I'm also not the only one who didn't like living with him, my sister hated it too.

paperclip2

Apart from tolerating him OP can I ask have you ever put effort into getting to know him as a person not just 'your mothers husband'? As others have said he doesn't seem too bad at all and kinda comes out better in your post than you do. He, at least looks like he's making an effort.

WindSock

FrustratedSon wrote: »

He's asked me a dozen times since I got back when am I going back to college and I've told him I had a whole load of work to do before and if I don't do it, I won't be let into my final year in September.

Taking a few driving lessons from him is not going to take up much of your time. He wants you to learn, he doesn't sound like a bad chap for that. Maybe take some lessons, an hour here and there. He might be feeling bored and lonely in the house and perhaps he is not like a father to you but you may be like a son to him.
Spending a little time with him might be good for you both, he might realise you actually are now a mature adult on talking to you and start treating you like one, instead of a sulky teen that locks themselves in their room all day.

FortyPlusHubby

FrustratedSon wrote: »

While writing this, I don't really know what this is about: is this guy really annoying me so much or am I just really desperate for my mother's approval?

He really sounds like a guy who fell in love with a woman who had a large family and he's trying to fit in, without changing too much about himself. Give him a chance... your posts read like you took an instant dislike to the guy.

If he's making your mother happy you should be very grateful. By doing this he has made it easy for the rest of you to move out knowing that she still has company and will be cared for. Money cannot buy that comfort.

Driving lessons are bloody expensive. Be glad he's offering.... it's very stressful to give driving lessons, and especially to a stepson who seems a tad ungrateful.

I understand your frustration, but as you rightly have hinted, it may not really be him that you're annoyed with.

Cheers,

40pH

Beruthiel

FrustratedSon wrote: »

I didn't have my mother to myself for 16 years, it was one at most. I had several other older siblings who slowly moved out over the years. I'm also not the only one who didn't like living with him, my sister hated it too.

You're not understanding what I'm saying.
It's to do with comfort zone, your mother and siblings have always been there. It was a comfortable unit that you were used to.
You're step dad changed all that.

jimmycrackcorm

I'm inclined to agree with Forty from my reading of the OP. E.g.

It was always me and my mother and my other older siblings.

.

It makes it sound like the stepfathers "Intrusion" is unwelcome.

Other inconsistencies:

If my mother ever asked me to help out around the house, I'd do it.

But:

He treats me like a child, telling me to do the dishes and help out around the house. Previously, I helped out around the house out of goodwill towards my mother. I never had to be asked. But now that he is doing this it drives me mad. He did it previously too but that didn't bother me as much. I think it bothers me more now because I have lived with someone else and there I didn't have to be asked to tidy up, etc. I did it.

and

I do know I'm not the only one of my family who dislikes living with him. My sister moved back in with us awhile ago as she was between jobs. She hated living with him too.

But there are other siblings and no mention that they dislike him.

I find him incredibly boring, ill-informed and boastful and I don't want to waste my time with people like that.

I could go on picking out sentences but I say the OP needs to make a greater effort to adapt to the new situation.

seamus

Tbh, you're describing the same complaints that a lot of people would have about their parents when living at home, but you've decided that because he's not your father, it somehow makes him a bad guy.

At 60 people are not stupid, but yes you they be forgetful and brash/no-nonsense. You never gave this guy a chance - you admit yourself that you never liked him - so to you he's a stranger. And when you have a forgetful and brash stranger living in your house, of course you're going to be irritated.

There are definitely two sides to this. Treat him like a human being, not like an intruder. You don't have to like him, but at the same time he doesn't deserve your resentment because he hasn't done anything wrong.

Try to see it from his point of view - he's trying to provide a father-figure role in a family where he came in nearly at the end of the game, when the fathering was practically done. He may not have had kids of his own before, but either way he's trying to find out what works. See him as that guy - the guy who has been slotted into a tight family unit and is simply doing his best to fill a role that he hasn't had 22 years to practice at.
No, you don't have to call him Dad, you don't have to like the guy, but try and have some form of compassion and look outside of your own selfishness. He's your mother's husband, therefore he's going to be a part of your life for the rest of her life at least, which could be 30 years for all you know. That's a lot of time to spend avoiding someone. Give the guy a chance before you write him off.

Lollipops23

It kind of annoys me when posters say you should be moved out by now-A) plenty of people can't afford to do that at 22 due to college commitments or saving for travelling etc or B)plenty of people simply aren't ready to move out at 21 or 22,and everyone matures at different rates. Now, that's not to say that they shouldn't be at least thinking about it:p

OP, he by know means sounds like a Nazi stepdad from hell. However, I have step-parents and know firsthand how the gelling can take a long time,and sometimes it doesn't run smoothly.

You were 16 when he came on the scene-you would have had a clearly established personality,relationship dynamics with your family etc. It's not a sin that you didn't feel an instant "click" with the man, it's a fact of life.

But,for now,you have to share a roof. Try and make it as easy on eachother as possible-simply stay out of eachother's ways as much as you can. I remember learning to drive-it's stressful even when you like the person teaching you. Perhaps he's not the right person for the job?

Just keep your head down and get out as much as you can.

muboop1

I actually had to scroll back up when I read all that to check your age...

You are acting like you are still that 16 year old who hates his mom's new bf...

AvaKinder

Hi OP,
I can definitely understand where you are coming from on this, although I do admit that many of the other posters have some valid points on your own attitude to the situation.

Although my mother has not remarried, her boyfriend (of 4 1/2 years) stays here 3-6 nights a week and for all intents and purposes lives here. And he can drive me crazy sometimes. But that being, I'm sure I also drive him nuts, and I KNOW we both drive my mother insane.

However anytime I've had a major issue, or simply a recurring issue with him I've broached the subject with my mother, who usually has a quiet word with him. That or I say something in a jokey way, so he doesn't get offended, but the issue is brought to his attention.

At the end of the day, the house is as much his as yours, and once you move out he will begin to play a much more important role in your mothers life so it's important to maintain some sort of civil relationship with him.

But I think that you need to sit down with either him or your mother, and talk about things. Start off by saying you're sure that some things you do wreck both of their heads, and you'd like to try and improve on that, but that you sometimes have an issue with x, y or z and would like to try and come to some sort of compromise. Do not do this on a day where you're annoyed, or he's annoyed.

tbh

You are a 22 year old guy sharing a house with a 50 year old guy, who's also sleeping with your mother. To be honest, I'd be worried if there wasn't a bit of conflict. You have to treat this the same as if he was your actual dad - you suck it up and try to keep your cool until you can afford to leave home. There's no real magic wand answer, this is just the situation you find yourself in for now. It won't last forever, but while it does, the best you can do is try not to do or say anything you can't take back