How to tell work colleague?

Bagheera

Hi everyone

May seem like a silly issue but I'm feeling pretty bad right now.

I'm almost 10 weeks pregnant and very happy; I'm planning on telling people in work once I get over the 12 weeks. However I'm quite close to one of the women in work, and she has been confiding in me regarding her fertility issues. She really wants a baby and was telling me the other day about how although she's happy for friends of hers that get pregnant, it also really upsets her. As she told me this I felt worse and worse, knowing I'm expecting myself.

So I really don't know how I'm going to tell her. I want to make sure she doesn't find out from anyone else, but also I don't want to patronise her by acting weird about it. I think it would be completely insensitive to be overly excited while telling her as well. I also feel really guilty about the fact that I've let her completely open up to me, without sharing my news with her.

Any advice? Sorry for the ramble, but I can't ask anyone else for advice as no-one knows I'm pregnant!

Grawns

I went through the same thing with my best friend ( 3 failed rounds of IVF and a miscarraige). After much soul searching I ended up emailing her, explaining just what you said above. That way she will have a chance to process the news in private before having to act/pretend to be happy for you in the face of her own disappointment. My poor friend tried so hard to be happy for me and I did my best not to go on about it. It all worked out in the end - sort of. Congratulations by the way

Bagheera

Thanks for your reply! I don't have her email address so I know I'm just going to have to tell her face to face. My sister is going through the same issues and I told her at the weekend. She was really happy for me but she also burst into tears and I felt soooo bad; I didn't know what to say or do. I don't think she'll have that reaction but I feel that maybe our friendship will be affected as she will probably no longer want to talk to me about certain things.

lynski

I had to tell a friend (not a close one, but someone i see each week) last week, before she heard. She opened up to a group of us in June, and she she has been having a very hard tie. I felt that if I was in her shoes id prefer to hear it from the horses mouth.
She was great, and i am glad i did it.

LegacyUser

I'm at the opposite end of your story, I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and have been trying for years to have a baby. One of my closest friends got pregnant this year. She planned a lovely night out for us - I noticed she wasn't drinking and kind of guessed her news. We had a few drinks, lovely meal etc. I have to say, she was really good to me that night.

While I was genuinely happy for her - I did get the 'why does she get to have a baby, and I don't' feeling? I wasn't jealous of her. I am so happy for her, and delighted that she is having a baby. It's a weird feeling when you haven't been able to have kids yourself. You are happy for the other person, and yet get a feeling of unfairness. And yet, that's life.

Forget the emails or the texts. Speak to her, face to face. it's sad that you are in such a celebratory mood, and she won't be, but if you handle it correctly, it will be fine. My friend has since asked me to be godmother, and I'm over the moon.
Congratulations OP, and look after yourself !

Nevyn

First off congratulations I hope you have a good pregnancy and a healthy baby.

I would suggest talking with your manager/supervisor first, letting them know
you are expecting and then ask about telling other members of staff and get your concerns noted. Then go and tell her and the rest of the staff.

That way your manager/supervisor will be aware and can off you both help and support esp if things sour at work.

crazy cat lady

I'm sure if this work colleague is confiding in you then she is a little closer than a 'colleague' and more of a 'friend' than anything else, and as a friend I would expect her to be happy for you, despite how upset she may feel inside.

Explain to her how bad you feel for her situation and that you haven't became pregnant yourself to make her feel worse. She will find out eventually and i can almost guarantee that she will feel some bitterness/disappointment/anger, but not at you, and just at her own unfair circumstances. The news will be 100% better coming from you than through the grapevine or in an email. I think you'll actually be surprised at her positive reaction to you. At the end of the day its not your fault that she is having trouble conceiving, and her longing for a child should make her more able to understand what great news it is.

I was in an awful situation last year where me and my SIL became pregnant at the same time, our babies would've been due withing days of each other. We were both so excited, but then she miscarried. It made it difficult to enjoy the pregnancy, especially when we were around her, or at family do's when everyone had to watch what was said so as not to upset her. Of course she was delighted for us, but it was just horrible for her. My point is not to let someone elses feelings take away from the enjoyment of your pregnancy.

Congratulations and good luck

Bagheera

Thanks for all of the replies. For the record, I never once considered telling her any other way except face to face!

I'm going to hope that all goes well for the next couple of weeks, then tell my manager then hopefully tell her before other people start getting wind of it. She's such a lovely person and I know she'll act happy for me; I just feel awful about it. I will keep hoping that things work out for her in the meantime

bubbaloo

Firstly, congratulations.
Having been through years of fertility issues myself I can understand how your friend may feel.
Just be sensitive (not pitying) and tell her before you tell anyone else so that she has time to process it (and have a little cry) before your colleagues start celebrating for you. Also, as silly as this may seem, if you have any idea of when she might be due her period, hold off on telling her until she is over the PMT. I used to take other people's "good news" very badly if I was PMT.
She will have bitter sweet feelings of happiness for you because she would probably never wish her fertility problems on anyone, but sadness for herself that she is not in the same situation.
Whatever happens, don't be upset if she takes it badly to begin with - it's not personal. Enjoy your pregnancy.:)