Seven Parking Tickets - A Collection of Short Stories

ahayzer42

Hi all,

So I'm kind of robbing this idea from a friend who is also on this board (Owlwink) but I have set up a blog on which I plan to post up my short stories with a view to maybe doing something more with them when I have a set number that I'm satisfied with.

Anyway, the first story Snooker Cues & Travesties is online here: www.sevenparkingtickets.wordpress.com

Any feedback would be much appreciated and I'm hoping to have some new material up on it soon.

Best

Anna

pickarooney

I read the first paragraph three times and can't make out who is who and to whom each of the pronouns refers. I read on because the idea of the stories interested me, but otherwise I would have given up there and then.

ahayzer42

pickarooney,

thanks for taking a read. Out of curiosity, how did you find the rest of it?

Also, when you say opening paragraph, do you mean opening section? I've reread my opening paragraph about five times and personally can't see any confusion in it. It's pretty much about Taylor's granddad's misgivings with his grandson's name.

Having said that, I wrote it so I suppose I would naturally be less likely to see lack of clarity when I know where it's going and what's going on.

pickarooney

It was only when Taylor thought about it that he realised how much of a travesty his name was to his grandfather. In a way, it was his world ending, his daily reminder that the no-good who’d walked out on his daughter had had his say on the first great important event in a child’s life – the naming.

The ones in bold. Having read the piece through I'm confident now that these refer to the grandad but it wasn't clear from the outset. I still don't understand how the child being named Taylor would be the end of the world to the grandfather though. He doesn't come across as much of a drama-queen in the rest of the piece.

The story definitely had something, enough to keep me reading in any case. It could do with a bit of tightening up and the letters from the PR agent are completely unbelievable, as was Taylor's becoming an expert player in a couple of months, but otherwise it was an interesting enough tale. I was expecting Mulligan to be the father so I didn't quite get what his role in the whole affair was and the real father's showing up fell a bit flat I felt.

I think you use 'pool' a couple of times where 'snooker' would make more sense also.

ahayzer42

Duly noted.

Will take another look over it.

Thanks for the feedback.

Antilles

Hey OP,

that was a very well written piece. The only problems I have would be plot-based. Some notes I took as I read through it:

1. Granddad's violence was too sudden. It came on without any real buildup of the character as prone to it.

2. I thought Taylor was emulating his "father," not indending on challenging him to a game. Maybe I just missed the nuance of the letter though.

3. "Welcome back Dom" "Piss off Ed" - you could do without those lines and granddad turning to look back. The scene ends well enough with them storming out.

4. I don't buy that the granddad would just wander off while the father stalks the son home. If Taylor didn't want to talk to Dom, the granddad (since he's apparently fit enough to punch) would have stopped Dom. Also, how did Dom know the Taylor was going to get angry at the mother? It seemed a bit of a leap.

5. Why would Dom say "Piss off" if the grandfather was the reason he had made contact to start with?

6. Lucinda's letter implies she knows more of the story than could be gleaned through the boy's letters.

Other than that, as I said, it was very well written; I like your writing style.

Edit: I had no trouble with the first paragraph, I thought it was fairly clear who was who.

ahayzer42

Hey Anitlles,

Thanks for reading - great to get feedback. I'm going to try answer a few of the issues you had. And if I can't then I know I need to clarify!

Antilles wrote: »

Hey OP,

that was a very well written piece. The only problems I have would be plot-based. Some notes I took as I read through it:

1. Granddad's violence was too sudden. It came on without any real buildup of the character as prone to it.

2. I thought Taylor was emulating his "father," not indending on challenging him to a game. Maybe I just missed the nuance of the letter though.

3. "Welcome back Dom" "Piss off Ed" - you could do without those lines and granddad turning to look back. The scene ends well enough with them storming out.

4. I don't buy that the granddad would just wander off while the father stalks the son home. If Taylor didn't want to talk to Dom, the granddad (since he's apparently fit enough to punch) would have stopped Dom. Also, how did Dom know the Taylor was going to get angry at the mother? It seemed a bit of a leap.

5. Why would Dom say "Piss off" if the grandfather was the reason he had made contact to start with?

6. Lucinda's letter implies she knows more of the story than could be gleaned through the boy's letters.

Other than that, as I said, it was very well written; I like your writing style.

Edit: I had no trouble with the first paragraph, I thought it was fairly clear who was who.

1. Granddad's violence: I think maybe I over-exaggerated this a bit. It's not so much violence as more of a 'pulling by the ear' kind of motion. It's supposed to be more of a slap on the wrists kind of movement. It's a bit hard to explain. I come from a very country background which would be very much an 'if you do something wrong, you get a bit of a puck to tell you you're an idiot' kind of reaction. I think I'll try writing this idea into the piece. I don't think I've explained it very well here ^^.

2. The line when Granddad tells him to appeal to Denis Taylor on some common ground was supposed to get this point across. Because Taylor knows nothing of his 'father' other than the snooker element, it seems the obvious way to make a connection.

3. 'Welcome Back' etc. This line was more to show the contempt Granddad holds for Dom. It kind of ties back to the line about him being a no-good at the start. The walking out was just plain wrong and now he can't get the walking back in part right either.

4. This part I can't really explain. I think I may change that line to say that Granddad had gone to the bookies or to get the car or something. The main point of the line was to show that Taylor is so angry that he disregards any concern for his granddad. As for Dom knowing about Taylor blaming his mother, this point needs clarifying, perhaps later in their conversation, or even earlier with granddad. Will take another look at that.

5. As mentioned above, the contempt Granddad holds for Dom provokes this. But I need to mention that contemptuous tone in the piece.

6. The final letter from Lucinda is a little bit unusual yes (as are they all, I thought they breathed a bit of comic relief into the piece) I guess the main point to get across in the letter was, perhaps, a slightly dangerous one but I think made subtly enough not to cause consternation. I think the line you're referring to mostly is about how they in the office thought his story could have been true. This line obviously makes a more pressing presumption about Denis Taylor than Taylor, but I think it's more suggestive of the fact that the Agency knows more about their client's story than this particular story.

I don't really know a lot about Denis Taylor except that this story is influenced by my own Grandfather who thought all the things about him that the grandfather in this thinks. I think the aforementioned line is just about subtle enough to not be deemed insulting or slandering!

Hope some of this clears up your problems with the piece and once again thanks a million for reading. I will certainly re read with your feedback in mind.

azzeretti

I agree with a few points above. The biggest problem for me as a snooker player, is the fact that you seem to think pool and snooker are the same game, they aren't.
Also, there is never (apart from this year - a very rare exception) any exhibition games in the crucible and even if there were I can't see how Luicinda took Taylors "when I kick your client’s ass up and down the Crucible, but that’s getting ahead of myself" as a challenge to an exhibition match?

Other than those small points I quite liked it. It dipped off a bit towards the end but overall I enjoyed it.

ahayzer42

Azzeretti,

Thanks for reading and for your feedback.

The point about snooker/pool was made above and I can assure you that they were more typos than not knowing the difference between the games. I'll re read and correct.

As regards Lucinda's letter, you are right in that she jumps too quickly to that conclusion but I quite like Taylor's line about kicking him up and down the Crucible so I think I'll change her line to something other than the exhibition game.

As regards dipping off toward the end, it was always the kind of story that was going to do that. As you'll see when I post up some more of my stories, I'm not really one for resolved endings, I prefer them to be ambiguous and open, that way they can be read as optimistically or as pessimistically as the reader wants. But I can understand your point and will take a look at how I can keep that ambiguity but not let the interest dwindle.

Thanks again.

ahayzer42

Hi,

I've uploaded another one of my short stories. This one's called 'Double Negatives' and was runner up in a local short story contest last year.

It's about 2500 words. Would appreciate any feedback.

Cheers

http://sevenparkingtickets.wordpress.com/2010/08/16/double-negatives/

cobsie

I like the way you write, but I don't think you tell enough of a story here. The turning point is underdeveloped. I don't believe a single conversation ever changed anyone like this -not someone who has been depressed and agoraphobic for a year, anyway. It's not emotionally real. A fight, a trauma, or something cataclysmic might have that effect, but the narrative is very low-affect and understated right at the point where it should be made very intense - during the conversation between the brother and sister in his flat (I like the reveal that they are siblings, though). If you only look at the dialogue that passes between them, it is quite minimal. Undercurrents by themselves don't make for dramatic reading. As a result, in the very next scene when the brother overcomes his agoraphobia, it doesn't feel believable - also, he suddenly talks in a stilted, pop-psychology way. "We’re both wrapped up in our own narcissistic self-centeredness." Have you ever actually said this to a sibling?! Apart from everything, it is very hard to say out loud!

I think your writing is strong and clear and very nicely observational at the best points. If you wanted to put some flesh on the bones of this, you might spend more time on Jason's back story, how he got to this point in his life and equally, have Lily's reaction be a bit more complex to his situation - love, but anger too. Anyway...well done for putting it out there - hope to see more stuff in the future!

ahayzer42

Cobsie,

Thanks very much for your feedback. Certainly, stronger plotting is something I need to look at in my writing, I tend to rely an awful lot on ambiguity and readers taking their own meanings from things but I understand what you say about making the transitions more realistic and justified.

I'm currently working on what is looking to be a monster of a short story and so will hopefulyl have that up soon. I also have another short I'm hoping to finish after that. Hopefully have new material up soon.

Thanks again for your feedback, will certainly take it on board when I sit down to reread and rework.

Best

Anna

strokemyclover

Good story OP but I would agree with pickarooney's observations above. I also note that it only really becomes descriptive about actions, surroundings, etc.. at the very end. I realise it is only a short story and it's main focus is on Taylor dealing with the emotions or thoughts associated with his situation. I just think that more descriptive english about the environment would have kept the reader in touch with what was going on in the scenes described.

I note from reading published material that having a rough picture of where characters are and what they are doing also helps me understand the implications of conversations or personal thoughts of the characters involved. It sets the scene so to speak. As an example, you could have built a picture of Taylor's room, grandad's front room, the snooker hall and even Taylor's snooker cue.

Overall, it was a good effort and I am glad I read it. Keep it up!

ahayzer42

strokemyclover

Thanks for taking the time to read it, much appreciated. And thanks also for your feedback. You've given me something more to think about when it comes time to rewrite and rework.

Description's always something I've been fairly lax on as it's something I find I can't write without sounding clichéd and stale. I have a friend who can write constant continuous descriptive pieces so I might ask them for some advice! Dialogue is really more my thing...

But thanks very much for your feedback.

Best

Anna

ahayzer42

Hi all,

Just a quick email to say I've uploaded another short story I wrote a little while ago. It's called Temper.

Would appreciate any feedback.

Cheers

Anna

http://sevenparkingtickets.wordpress.com/2010/08/25/temper/

cobsie

I really like this. I thought it was very good - the dynamic between Ellie and Sam is portrayed with great economy and her prickliness (about him getting in her personal space, for instance) was very real feeling. She really seemed like someone stretched thin. You could sense the different personalities from the way their actions were described and that was very effective. The whole thing was a lot more focused than your previous story and brought the reader through from beginning to end without any slack. Well done!

There is one thing I would suggest and it's not really anything to do with the writing, but...killing animals is a classic trademark of serial killers, sociopaths. It's a totally sociopathic thing to do and the way she felt no moral compulsion, or physical revulsion was a real chiller. While Sam's reaction is very valid and appropriate, you might inject a note of actual fear, as well - even if this is not expressed out loud. It's just a direction - you could take it to a very creepy level, given the premise, if you wanted to - all the ground work is there.

Well done, again!

pickarooney

I quite liked the second one which, apart from a stilted opening, moved along nicely. I was able to buy the brother's decision to get moving once he realised his sister might actually give up on him and understood his pop-psych phrasing to be a direct quote from a book. I felt a little disappointed by the end though, as if it were all for nothing.

The last one was by far the best of the three though. It opens well and keeps going right to the end. I really liked

“I don’t need anger management. The rest of the world needs irritation management.”

ahayzer42

Cobsie & Pickarooney,

Cheers for the feedback. Glad you both liked Temper. I would have actually thought it might be less liked than the other two but there you go. Great to be proven wrong!

Cobsie: RE - the serial kill stat you mentioned, I actually didn't know that, I'll be honest, so I might try add in one more 'Sam' paragraph to detail his worries or communicate that idea.

Pickarooney: the stilted opening to Double Negatives is something I've been trying to work on. In my mind, it seems like the first section is written, intending to be a totally different kind of story then it veers in a different direction so yeah I do want to take another look at what I can do to make it more seamless.

Again, thanks for commenting. Am working on a short story at the moment, which is turning into a monster, but hopefully have something new to post up soon.

thanks

Anna

pickarooney

ahayzer42 wrote: »

Cobsie: RE - the serial kill stat you mentioned, I actually didn't know that, I'll be honest, so I might try add in one more 'Sam' paragraph to detail his worries or communicate that idea.

She killed the cat accidentally in a fit of rage and felt remorse, did she not? No comparison so the cold-blooded torture/killing of animals associated with serial killers, in my view.

ahayzer42

pickarooney wrote: »

She killed the cat accidentally in a fit of rage and felt remorse, did she not? No comparison so the cold-blooded torture/killing of animals associated with serial killers, in my view.

Yeah, true. She didn't seem that terrible bothered about it at first though, not until Sam kind of clued her in. I suppose the other way to look at it is the fact that she got angry about a cat climbing into her flat all the time - fair enough it kills things and leaves them there but maybe he can be more worried about the fact that her anger was quelled by hitting something with a bat!

MilanPan!c

ahayzer42 wrote: »

Yeah, true. She didn't seem that terrible bothered about it at first though, not until Sam kind of clued her in. I suppose the other way to look at it is the fact that she got angry about a cat climbing into her flat all the time - fair enough it kills things and leaves them there but maybe he can be more worried about the fact that her anger was quelled by hitting something with a bat!

Yeah, I have to say, if my best friend took a baseball bat to a small mammal and killed it, I would be freaked the **** out. Slamming a door, smashing a cup, even punching someone - that's loosing your temper. Killing an animal...and having to be told why it was wrong...that's Dexter.

ahayzer42

MilanPan!c...

Another good point! I'm keeping track of all feedback anyway so when I come around to looking at that story again I'll have a good think about it.

Again, delighted to get the feedback. Thanks a million.

Hope to have something new up soon.

Anna

ahayzer42

...since I posted anything either on Boards or on the forum. Been swamped with college work. Also working on something a slight bit more substantial than a short story and it's been taking all of my extra time.

But hopefully will get some more work up on the blog soon.

For now though, this just a wee 600 word Christmas story I wrote. It's nothing too taxing or outrageous just a bit of fun.

Happy Christmas Everybody!

http://sevenparkingtickets.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/white-christmas-blues/

ahayzer42

Hello again,

I realise that I have neglected this page and posting something woeful but I've been tied up in college and whatnot.

Anyway, I've posted a new short story on the blog. It's called 'Jigsaw Pieces' and it's about 2300 words.

Any feedback would be hugely appreciated.

Link: http://sevenparkingtickets.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/jigsaw-pieces/

Thanks

Anna

pickarooney

Anna, that link comes up as password protected. Do you want to repost it here or PM the pasword?

ahayzer42

Hey pickarooney,

You should be able to access it there now.

pickarooney

Yep, but I'm out of time. Will read it tomorrow.

pickarooney

I almost loved it. I was frantically reading through it trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him but I didn't feel satisfied with the wishy-washy explanation. I know in life there isn't always a simple answer to what seems like a simple question but it was a bit frustrating the way the story petered out all the same. I didn't understand what he was saying about his siblings either.

Maybe I should have started with the good stuff, as it's mostly good stuff. I liked the misdirection in the beginning where we're led to believe the narrator can't stand the girl (not sure if it was your intention but I assumed the narrator was female for a while) and the slow unravel about his true feelings. You have a knack for that mid-story re-routing which once again pays off here. The piece flows extremely well and the little incidental detail is dosed perfectly.

ahayzer42

Hey pickarooney

Thanks for the feedback.

The misdirection at the beginning re the narrator's opinion of the girl was completely unintended - it was more intended to be showing an awkwardness than anything else. Good that you got a different reading out of it though. Know that I have to clarify it now.

As for the pay-off re what was wrong with the narrator, I originally wrote the piece with a genderless main character in mind. Which I realise now may be problematic in terms of how people read it. I know people who read the narrator as a female character figured that the siblings line was contextualised by reading the main character as having a conflicted sexuality.

As most people who have already read it read it as female, I hadn't noticed anything problematic in it!

Cheers again for reading.

ahayzer42

Hey pickarooney

Thanks for the feedback.

The misdirection at the beginning re the narrator's opinion of the girl was completely unintended - it was more intended to be showing an awkwardness than anything else. Good that you got a different reading out of it though. Know that I have to clarify it now.

As for the pay-off re what was wrong with the narrator, I originally wrote the piece with a genderless main character in mind. Which I realise now may be problematic in terms of how people read it. I know people who read the narrator as a female character figured that the siblings line was contextualised by reading the main character as having a conflicted sexuality.

As most people who have already read it read it as female, I hadn't noticed anything problematic in it!

Cheers again for reading.