Ladies: How would you react if your husband/boyfriend turned out to be transgender?

Novella

Okay, if I had a husband and he told me one day that he actually wanted to be a woman, that would be the end for me. I think when you get married, yeah, you are making a promise to love the person forever... but if they change sex, they're not really the same anymore, are they? I'm sure I'd still love him as a person, but I couldn't be in love and I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship. I'm not attracted to women, so for that reason alone, I could not see a future as a couple.

vicecreamsundae

nobody is saying that if someone tells their wife that they want to transition, that the wife SHOULD be okay with it, or is a bad person for not being okay with it. all relationships are different, and of course something like that is going to be a dealbreaker for many people, while not for others.

but i can't believe how many people think deciding to transition is selfish!
there's a very nasty stereotype about trans people that they try to deceive people about who they are, and i am seeing a lot of that stereotype echoing in this thread where people are getting angry at the [hypothetical] trans person who gets married, starts a family and then admits they have been lying about who they are all along. I think Links has made it VERY CLEAR, numerous times in this thread that the husband in this [hypothetical] situation doesn't realise he has any gender identity issues until later in life, and that he hasn't in ANY WAY been misleading his wife and family or using them while he decides what to do.

you can argue that usually most trans people do realise earlier in their lives, and maybe that's the case, but there are exceptions and certainly in this case that Links describes, we are talking about that exception.
there's a very big difference between asking what you would do if your husband and father of your children turned around and told you for the past ten years he's thought about transitioning and never mentioned it before, and what you would do if AFTER ten years together your husband started to question his gender and was honest with you straight away-so even if it sounds unlikely to you, can we not still discuss this second situation?



also, a point Novella made just there about how is someone changes sex, they're not really the same person anymore. a few people have said similar things. do most people feel that way? while i completely understand being sexually attracted to one sex, and being able to say "if you change sex, i won't be attracted to you anymore" , can anyone really say " if you change sex, you won't be you anymore" ? I don't understand that at all. gender reassignment surgery is not a lobotomy. while certain aspects of gender presentation will change, overall personalities, general likes/dislikes and the memories you share don't change. i find it weird that if i decided to transition, people would decide i'm not the same person anymore?! I am more than my breasts [or lack thereof!]

and while i'm writing a long post, there was one other thing I saw someone mention about how being born a different sex than you are now presenting is not something you can decide to not tell someone, like how many people you have slept with. i wholeheartedly disagree. if someone has such issues with their gender identity that they want [or need] to transition, then why on earth should they continue to define themselves by what they once were? that's history! trans people [or any people] do not OWE anyone an explanation of who they are!!! if they choose to tell a new friend or partner about it, then well and good, but they certainly do not have to, and i think suggesting they should have to out themselves as pretty transphobic.

vicecreamsundae

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm not sure how that situation works with people who are transgender, do they like who they are and feel absolutely fine about themselves & their body and only develop the feeling of being in the wrong body mid-life?

i would imagine that some people may have a general unhappiness with their life or their body but not be able to put their finger on the issue, or maybe even attribute it to something else such as a mental disorder, or some experience earlier in life, and genuinely not realise it is related to gender identiy issues.
i also imagine there are people who would feel that way, but not realise there is anything that they can do about it or that there is such a thing as gender identity disorder. i think it's quite possible that through hearing about GID later, it might just click with them that 'that sounds a bit how i feel'.

but also think we are constantly growing and changing, and so yes i think it's quite possible that some people do feel satisfied with their gender and their body only to develop gender identity issues later in life, i don't see why not.

Ickle Magoo

Because a large part of what makes my husband who he is - and what I love about him - is encompassed in his sexuality, his manliness, his being aesthetically the package that I find most attractive, some of the things testosterone and identifying as a man give him. Part of what makes a person behave the way they do is their hormones and the projection of their self-image, change them and you change the person - especially with regards to a partner who not only knows them inside out but also should find them sexually attractive.

vicecreamsundae wrote:

i would imagine that some people may have a general unhappiness with their life or their body but not be able to put their finger on the issue, or maybe even attribute it to something else such as a mental disorder, or some experience earlier in life, and genuinely not realise it is related to gender identiy issues.
i also imagine there are people who would feel that way, but not realise there is anything that they can do about it or that there is such a thing as gender identity disorder. i think it's quite possible that through hearing about GID later, it might just click with them that 'that sounds a bit how i feel'.

but also think we are constantly growing and changing, and so yes i think it's quite possible that some people do feel satisfied with their gender and their body only to develop gender identity issues later in life, i don't see why not.

See, this is where I start to wonder what kind of relationship experience other people are drawing their views from. The laid-bare conversations I've had with my husband, the completely intimate knowledge we have, the games we've played. The immersing ourselves and each-other in our own sexuality; our fantasies, our wishes, wants, hopes and fears. If it turned out he wasn't really happy as the man I fell in love with and didn't want the body we've both so enjoyed, then damn right I'd feel lied to. I don't think I would or could believe he could suddenly switch to having such a polar opposite outlook without having known in advance or it having shown in advance of his declaration.

If he wanted to transition because staying as he is making him miserable then he would have my blessing to go and be whomever he wants to be - but he wouldn't be my husband any more and it would no longer be the relationship dynamics I signed up to and have loved being a part of for the past 10+ years and for that I would be absolutely devastated - and angry. Of course people change and relationships mature over time but I don't think you can put the wish for gender reassignment surgery and to be identified as a woman in the same category as the general meanderings that most relationships go through.

I'm not sure I agree with not having to say anything either and I don't appreciate that it's either agree with you or be labelled transphobic, either. If I couldn't have kids or had a kid when I met my partner I would certainly have said so to give them the option of choosing their own path, I don't view transitioning as being any different. What's the alternative to being honest about having transitioned anyway? Secretly sneak around taking hormones? Go to lengths so that your partner doesn't meet your family or anyone else from your past? Dodge any questions about having a family? Lie about the scars? I'm not sure that's much basis for a relationship anyway.

I can't imagine how difficult it is for someone not feeling their body shows who they are or having to deal with the societal prejudices that always accompany anything outside the traditional "norms" but I think it's grossly unfair and completely underestimating what a marriage or long-term relationship is, to suggest that a partner loosing their penis and stubble and gaining breasts, vagina and smooth skin as just window dressing that doesn't change who they are. My husband no longer being a man, no longer wanting to be identified as a man changes everything, everything.

vicecreamsundae

well i DO think suggesting trans people have to out themselves to every new person they meet seems transphobic. maybe we can devise some symbol they have to wear on their sleeve...

Ickle Magoo

I don't think anyone would agree people should have to bare their soul to everyone they meet or wear some kind of symbol - I think you're being deliberately churlish in order to disingenuously label people who don't agree with you, which is a shame - this had been an interesting & mature discussion.

I think people have the right to know that the person they are going to emotionally invest in have something going on in their life that is going to affect the relationship or affect whether the other party wants to be in the relationship. Whether that be infertility, a child from a previous relationship, mental illness, having to take hormones to maintain the appearance of the gender they feel inside, whatever. It's nothing to do with trans people, it's an expectation of honesty and integrity and wanting only to be part of an honest, open and healthy relationship.

Links234

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

having to take hormones to maintain the appearance of the gender they feel inside

just as a small departure from the main topic, I have a bit of an issue with this bit

see, hormones don't just 'maintain the appearance', what they effect goes so far beyond appearance. they completely change the state of the body, but also effect feelings too, and a large part of this is how a person experiences their own body. Julia Serano put it as "Body feelings", like with the body fat redistribution that happens when someone transitions from male to female, that they get a female body shape, with weight shifting to the hips, thighs and bottom, and the loss of musculature in the upper body, such as back and shoulders, this actually shifts the center of gravity lower. it quite literally changes how a person experiences their body, and it's not limited to body shape either.

did you know that the curvature of the lens in the eye changes with hormones? sex hormones not only effect this, but also effects parts of the brain that deal with visual processing. it's well documented that MtF transsexuals experience an increased sense of smell also. much of how our body is sexed depends upon hormones, and it's true for everyone that their hormones are maintaining this particular sexed state. your hormones are maintaining your body in a particular state too.

Ickle Magoo

I appreciate that Links, my comment was in regards to how a potential partner would view things...they wouldn't experience any of the things you mention, it would just be maintaining of an appearance to them. Of course the person who was taking the hormones would feel much difference, as I said in the previous post taking hormones does much more than affect window dressing.

Links234

I guess it's a pet hate Ickle Magoo, like when people underplay the effects hormones have. but even to the outside observer, the changes are more than appearance because a transgender woman is producing the same pheromones and body odour as a cisgender woman (so transgirl smells just like 'real' girl), in both cases this is being maintained by hormones.

Elle Collins

Chinafoot wrote: »

Reverse the roles. You've made your transition and you're with a woman who decides after years together that she feels she's really a man and wants to make that change. Do you honestly believe you could have the same sexual attraction to him that you previously had? Do you think the relationship would remain the same? Would "your love be strong enough"?

I think this is the most pertinent question that's been asked so far in this thread and I think the OP's response to it validates the fact that any person, no matter whether gay, straight or transgendered, is naturally going to experience this situation as monumentally difficult to live with.

As to the stregnth of my love: The only way the stregnth of my love would be relevent here is in the sense that the more I loved a man the more bitterly devestated I'd be.

Ickle Magoo

Links234 wrote: »

I guess it's a pet hate Ickle Magoo, like when people underplay the effects hormones have. but even to the outside observer, the changes are more than appearance because a transgender woman is producing the same pheromones and body odour as a cisgender woman (so transgirl smells just like 'real' girl), in both cases this is being maintained by hormones.

I have stressed the effects of hormones several times so I hope you don't think I was underplaying it, I can imagine it's very annoying to have people think it's all about looks. I have experienced the hormonal effects of menstruation cycles, hormonal contraception and pregnancy - I think hormones can have a huge effect on how one feels, looks and acts - that was why I think my husband would change in more than just aesthetics if he were to transition. :cool:

Maple

Hugely thought provoking topic Links, well done. And your honesty and openness on what is obviously such a personal topic for you is hugely commendable.

And some truly wonderful responses, in particular Ickle Magoo.

Were I to meet a man and were he to disclose he had previously been a woman, I would hope that I would be openminded enough to pursue the relationship. In this instance I only know this person as a man.

Were I to be in a long term relationship, possibly with children, and were my OH to disclose that they would like to become a woman I feel I would be devastated by such a revelation. I would feel like my OH had hidden an integral part of who he is from me, I would feel lied to and that our relationship had been turned on it's head. I cannot imagine the emotional turmoil one would face after such a disclosure.

As an impartial observer, I cannot imagine the soul searching and mental anguish a person would undergo before arriving at the conclusion that they would like to transition from one gender to another. I cannot imagine having to live with such a thought weighing you down, life can be hard enough without feeling that something so fundamental about yourself is out of kilter. I feel it takes great courage and strength of character to make this decision and to be so honest with yourself and to pursue it, because I can't even begin to comprehend the obstacles in the path.