Not sure I want to be friends anymore

LegacyUser

I don’t know where to start with this post.

Recently I have begun to feel like I am growing apart from my best friend and I am not sure how I feel about this. I guess a little back story would be helpful in explaining this. I have been friends with this guy for a long time now, ever since secondary school and throughout college and for the past two years I find myself having less in common with him since we finished college. I realise that this is nothing unusual as people grow apart but the reasons for it are making me question why. I do not mean to sound critical of him but since we finished college two years ago he has not actively sought employment, he is more then happy to continue on the dole and rent allowance while majorly mooching off his parents. We are both in our mid 20s and to me it seems like he has no drive to do anything with himself and he maintains a very immature attitude. He spends his time trying to portray a self stylized demeanour and dreams of living the rambling rogue like vagabond lifestyle. His days are spent on youtube, reading what I can only describe as 70/80s pop literature and drinking. I used to find the devil may care attitude commendable when I finished college given how hard it is to get a job but now I am finding it to be very childish. It is as if I have betrayed him if I do an interview and he recently stated that I am selling out to the “populous agenda” (his words and I have not a clue where it came from or what exactly he means by it).

I am tired of the attitude he and some of our other mates have and there lack of ambition. I know this sounds petty and I used to never judge them for this because every one is free to live their lives as they see fit but I also don’t like being mocked or being alienated for actually wanting to get a job. As for our other friends from college he openly assassinates there character as of late and IMO it is because they have either got jobs here or are working abroad.

There are times that he scornfully mocks me for going for interviews and he only ever wants to go out in his home city which is another county away from me. He constantly talks about politics and the dour state of the nation and how FAS are a waste of time for someone like him who will be a travelling photographer in the future (always in the future). I think what has made me rethink our friendship lately though is his attitude to work and other people in general. For example, I recently went out with him and a few of our mates and while it was a fair distance for me to travel I still made the effort. During that night out I started chatting to a girl who was out with her friends and whom I had seen in college. We hit it off almost instantly yet my mate kept making remarks about her friends that were quite idiotic and rude. Towards the end of the night he just started picking fights with everyone that came into his line of vision and he scared away the girl and her friends. Thankfully, I managed to salvage some of the night and got this girl’s number. I had arranged to meet up with her the following week and when we did, we unfortunately happened to bump into my friend and some of his drinking buddies going to a pub and he seemed furious that I did not tell him that I was going to be in town and was particularly annoyed because for some bizarre reason he wanted to borrow my best jacket…. Not sure what that is all about….

I also have found lately that he has a very derogatory view of women in general which I find distasteful and he seems to live in a fantasy land where these kinds of remarks and attitude towards women are meant to be appealing to them.

The girl I previously mention is now my girlfriend and she said that some of the remarks he made to her friends that first night were crass, vulgar and downright disgusting. TBH it didn’t surprise me when she told me what he said and it doesn’t bear repeating on boards.ie, he even belittled one of the girls for her religious views.

The thing is, when we finished college we were both unemployed for a long time and I am glad that we remained friends after college but I used the time I was unemployed to look inward, I quit smoking, became teetotal, studied to develop on what I needed in order to get a job, learnt a new language and went on a FAS work placement programme. He spent his time going out drinking, doing drugs and going to concerts.

Now thankfully, I have finally landed a job and even if the pay is not great I am still glad of the experience but he seems to have this idea now that I and a couple of our other mates will be going abroad to England where money will be made easy and there are nothing but babes and escaping the sinking ship that is Ireland (his words not mine). The scary thing is he actually believes that and he keeps including me in his plans for England even though I have stated I have a job here and a girlfriend and have no intention of leaving. Our other mates have also stated to me that they have no intention either but they are simply playing along. I have been friends with him for a long time and I know he is serious about England but he has no real plan and I feel he will back out if he is on his own but there is little I can do about that.

I am sorry if this post is a long rant and I am grateful to anyone who manages to get through it all.

I am tired of my friends attitude and I am wondering am I petty for feeling/not wanting to be friends with him anymore?

Cheap Thrills!

No OP your're not being petty. Frankly he sounds like a teenager. A total 'know it all' who actually knows nothing. He sounds indeed as though he is in a fantasy world. Quite deluded.

I would just distance myself from him really. Yes, he's going through hard times but it sounds like he expects the world to fall in his lap rather than having to try hard for anything. His behaviour when you were out sounds very unstable and you don't want that around you.

he recently stated that I am selling out to the “populous agenda”

:rolleyes: oh FFS, he sounds like Kevin the teenager. It's the type of cliched b0ll0x that priveleged young adults and teenagers have been coming out with for donkeys years. He'll grow out of it. hopefully.

Look, let him on. Concentrate on your GF, job and other mates.

Oh God. He sounds insufferable. There is nothing worse than someone who constantly bangs on about what they're going to become in 'the future' while sitting on their arse wasting their life. As Cheap Thrills! said, this is the typical bollix spouted by immature, privileged people who don't live in the real world. He can't be bothered to find a job, so he begrudges anyone who does. To be honest, he sounds like a total loser. Cut him off.

lazygal

OP it sounds like you've outgrown this guy. It happens more often than you think. I'm only friends with one or two people I was in school with because I realised when I went to college I had nothing in common with them, beyond seeing them in school everyday. Likewise, when I finished college I had to "break up" with a friend of mine. After college, I realised whereas I had ambitions and plans for the future, she used every excuse in the book not to progress through life.
She's left every job she's had because of "stressful bosses". Eh, the common denomintor is her, she's so negative about everything and like your friend uses "humour" to put other people down. So after a bit of soul searching I realised we just had nothing in common any more and she was going to be a permenant teenager, not taking responsibility for her actions and living her life.

It sounds like this guy is not a friend, and TBH you sound sick and tired of him. My advice, cut him loose and stick to friends who are real friends. This guy is an acquaintance at this stage, true, real friends are few and fare between and this guy is not one.

dolphin city

sound pretty normal situation to me - you have just grown up a bit quicker than he has - that's all - do your own thing - he will find his path in life as well, but it probably won't be the same as yours. He is entitled to his "alternative" opinions if he wants, but you don't have to hang around to hear them.

Most people grow out of their childhood friends and go their own way so don't worry - its just a fact of life.

Zen65

The thing is, when we finished college we were both unemployed for a long time and I am glad that we remained friends after college but I used the time I was unemployed to look inward, I quit smoking, became teetotal, studied to develop on what I needed in order to get a job, learnt a new language and went on a FAS work placement programme. He spent his time going out drinking, doing drugs and going to concerts.

It sounds as though you have actively worked towards self-improvement (which was the original intention of a third level education) and he has opted to stand still. If you go your own way now, you may yet become friends again when he has reached a compatible level of maturity. If you continue to associate with him you will most likely end up having a row from which your friendship may not recover.

Be glad of the time you were friends, and now seek out new friends for the path you have chosen for yourself.

Be at peace,

Z