How to be a good mother???

LegacyUser

Someone help me out here, if you've experienced anything similar.

I've a 9yr old boy and I parent alone - his father left when he was a baby. It's pretty much myself and himself, but some support from friends re childcare etc. But emotionally, it's me and him.

I work f/t and have struggled to buy a home for us, and struggle like us all, to keep up with bills etc. He's a great child - very well behaved and seems very well rounded - into sports/has loads of mates etc. This might sound awful, but he just talks to me ALL the time...every sentence begins with 'mam' no matter what the question. If it's only the two of us in a room, in the car, he still begins every sentence with 'mam'. I'm forever asking him JUST to ask the question as there are only two of us in the room!!!! When I'm in great form, we chat forever, but there are times when I come from work, and he just starts asking random questions and yabbers on and on....and I'll be honest and say that I have often snapped at him and said 'Will you please just give mam 10 minutes to sit down before you start.....'. Actually, I'm not being honest there - I've asked him to shut up for about ten minutes and just to give me a break.

This doesn't happen all the time and I hate when I speak to him like this, but I honestly am about to crack if he doesn't let me sit down before the questions begin....
So yesterday, out of nowhere, he got really upset. He started to cry and said 'Mam, sometimes you don't treat me well and you tell me to shut up and it hurts my feelings....and last week you banged the door in my face....', and he was seriously upset by this. I don't even remember doing these things, as they happened on a particularly stressful day for me...

Needless to say, I was very upset. I had a chat with him and tried to explain that sometimes I just need ten minutes to relax and if he could just understand that, it would be great. He of course answered that he's just dying to see me and have a chat with me when I collect him from the childminders...

So I spent most of yesterday evening crying...thinking about how much of a bad mother I am and hoping I haven't done him any damage just yet...I'd a bad relationship with my own mother, but she never told me to shut up etc. However, my dad and brothers would have told me, regularly..
How do I change my behaviour towards this boy, who I would die for, while trying to get him to understand how stressful parenting alone can be - without actually saying that to him of course!!!!!!!!!!

metrovelvet

I think when you have one child and parent alone the relationship is very intense because there is nothing there to diffuse it, by nothing there, I mean other people, like siblings or another parent.

My son is three and it's the same as with your son. Non stop questions and look at this mommy, whats what mommy, where's this mommy, why not mommy... and so forth and so forth. It really is exasperating.

A lonely child of a single parent doesnt have to share you with anyone, not other siblings, not a husband either and so the relationship is more demanding and imo more dependant. So any risk of your disapproval is even more treacherous for them because they depend ENTIRELY on you, no back up around to run to when they get upset and you cant be there for them.

He can't understand how stressful it can be as he is only a child, and even with that I dont think many can understand it unless they do it themselves.

Its hard to understand what absolutely ZERO headspace can do to you. But you know what? He doesn't have to understand it, but he has to accept it. And I imagine at 9 it might be easier to explain that when you get home from work, you just need a few minutes to shake off the day because you want to give him your full attention and he will more likely get that if you have a few minutes of peace and quiet.

With my three year old I use the angelus as an excuse for a minute of silence. I say shh.... and put my fingers to my lips. Even that one minute helps.

Ickle Magoo

Could you both draw up a timetable which gives you both what you want but is a bit more structured? Give yourself time to get a cuppa and a rest when you get in and then your son will know from X - Y time is time with you, then a break to let you get dinner ready, then X- Y doing homework, etc, etc. Break it up into play time on his own and time with you so you can refer to the timetable when you are getting stressed rather than saying "Go away" and he knows that at X time he'll have your undivided and slightly less strained attention?

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I have to agree metrovelvet, that the whole idea of him depending ENTIRELY on me often gets to me. I've a difficult enough relationship with family so don't have a legal guardian appointed for him - I've spent the past 9yrs praying nothing happens to me and thankfully I'm healthy..but sure I digress because that's a WHOLE other thread!

I like the idea of a chart, but I think he's a bit old for it - I love that he can't wait to see me and I love hearing about his day, I genuinely do. He's such a great kid and so funny - often has me in stitches. But there are times, like last night, when he says I hurt him etc, that it just breaks my heart.

I've often said that I'm lucky that we have such a good relationship. Thankfully, it's only my situation I find cr!p, and not the child. I've a friend who had a kid the same time as me, similar situation. She has resented the poor girl from the day she was born (difficult split-up with the ex) and took out alot of her anger of the fact that she was parenting alone, on the child. The 10yr old is such a difficult kid now, and it's quite sad for both of them. The mam can't see where she went wrong, I can, but I would never say it to her.

Anyway, any other ideas on how to get him to understand that mammy needs some space, without me losing the head etc - going into third class now and I am dreading homework time at 6pm (when I get in from work) and it will be more difficult than last year, and THAT was a challenge.

ash23

I remember one day flipping out at my daughter because she asked me could she go to the toilet. I was just like "jesus christ, we're at home. You don't have to ask me every single time you need to go to the toilet".
I'm sure it hurt her feelings but she was really getting on my wick that day.

I agree that the relationship between a person parenting alone, particularly when the child is an only child, is very intense. They are used to having us totally and utterly to themselves. And while we do get some reprieve in terms of them having school and being out with friends, at times it can be overwhelming to be the one who always has to do everything. Every bedtime, every bathtime, every nightmare, every dinner, every question, every fall, every evenings homework, every days news... Sometimes you just wish that for once they were asking someone else the question/telling someone else the story. I think it's normal to be overwhelmed at times.

I also don't think theres anything wrong with turning to a child and saying "mammy wants to sit down and read the paper. Off you go and watch tv/read/go out and play". The trick is to do it before you reach the point of snapping at them. My little one never seems to mind when I say I'm going upstairs to read for a while. But I'm sure if I storm off in a huff telling her she's wrecking my head (which, hands up, I'll admit I have done once or twice), then she'll be upset.

Make time for yourself and recognise when you're about to snap. Make sure you get enough sleep because I find the lack of sleep the big killer in terms of my grumpiness.
Go out when you can, girls night out with friends. I find having a night out to look forward to is a great mood elevator and afterwards it's great to have something to chat about.

Look after yourself. I know that being a parent is all about making sacrifices for our kids but be careful not to sacrifice your happiness because you can give them everything in the world but if you aren't happy, they won't be either. I think as parents we have to be a bit selfish too.

How Strange

I'm not a mam yet but I do agree that there is nothing wrong with you saying to your child that you need a bit of quiet time when you get home. It shows your son that mammy isn't super human and she gets tired and needs a rest.

I'd say at 9 your son is old enough to understand this.

Nevyn

Mammy times out are what save my sanity, esp with my two being off school and me being home with them. I tell them I am having a break and that I am not to be disturbed for 5/10 mins unless the house goes on fire or the break a leg.


He's not too old or a routine or a time table, infact doing that now will set him up for when he is in secondary school and needs to study as well as do homework. I understand he misses you and wants to talk to you but he is 9 and it's time he started to learn that he has to be considerate and compassionate to others starting with you.

My two come in from school and get changed out of uniforum and then come and have a snack and then we talk about the day, unless something tramatic happens and they burst into tears when they get in the door. Set up a routine so he gets changed and you get a cup of tea/coffee and then you talk about your day.

The constant intrusion on your metal space can be very hard to take esp when you are tired, under stress, or have a headache. Make sure that you have some time to yourself in the evening to help ease that. When mine have been away for a long weekend and come back the constant intrusion and not being able to finish a train of tought can drive me batty, and I do get cross with them, but I have learned to explain that there are time I can't be interupted.

Nothing worse then cleaning something disguisting to have them start talking about what type cheese the moon is made of or when your in the shower or when your in the loo. Kids don't have boundaries unless we teach them and we in turn have to teach them and learn to let them know when they are annoying us before we snap at them.

Some days are easier then others but there is no harm in putting him in a zone of slience when you need to, had to do that to my son, on Sunday he was in quiet time for the 15 mins drive home. It doens't do them any harm, it teaches self constraint and to learn to think quietly.

LegacyUser

'quiet time'...never thought of that!

I'm taking this advice on board. So I'm not alone in going crazy that he just keeps talking and talking and talking....that makes me feel a tad better!

He has a habit of asking questions when I'm brushing my teeth for example. This morning, the bathroom door was open, he was ready for camp, I was just brushing my teeth before we hit the road and I headed on into work. 'Mam, wat time is camp over'....'Mam...mam...mam, will u just tell me what time its over...?"

To which I spat out the toothpaste and roared 'Can you not see I'm cleaning my teeth and can't bl**dy answer you grrrrrrr'.

I know, I know. Tomorrow morning, the bathroom door will be closed!

Nevyn

Seems that he's not observant enough, I have that with mine, esp with my son who as ASD who has every day it seem 300 questions which just can't want and who will if let ramble on and on about things with out looking to see if the other person is listening or is it an appropriate time to be asking a question or talking at a someone.

It's something kids have to all learn and your not alone with it.

LegacyUser

Interesting you mention ASD Thaed...I had him assessed as a very young child for various things - the most they came up with was 'developmental delay'. He is this way in every part of his life. Takes him a while to catch onto the same stuff his peers are doing - always about 6 months behind (more when he was younger), but the minute he catches on, he's like a different child. He was late getting his teeth, he was late walking/talking...even now, he is late growing his adult teeth .
So while it was all a worry as he was younger, I know now that he will eventually catch up with his peers and surpass them at various things, as has happened with school and other skills.

He definitely has problems with perception though - for example, I could send him upstairs and ask him to take a tshirt from under the chair and put it on his bed...10 minutes later, he's still looking for the tshirt. I have to repeat 'under the chair..under the chair...' He eventually gets it...but by god is this frustrating!

As a 4yr old, I was told to practice these 'perception' things with him, and we did...he hasn't caught up with this yet. There are times when I think he's just lazy, and because I do most things for him anyway, he knows I'll eventually get the tshirt (for example).

How was your child diagnosed Thaed? If he does have something like ASD, would it have been spotted at this stage?

Nevyn

Some kids just don't see things, esp when they are right under thier noses both mine can be like that, eps when it comes to tidying up.

I didn't mean to suggest that your child is on the spectrum I was just explaining how my son can be, he was refered to the child and family clinic by his school when he was 9 and that is how is assement came about.

Cat Melodeon

unregistered wrote: »

He definitely has problems with perception though - for example, I could send him upstairs and ask him to take a tshirt from under the chair and put it on his bed...10 minutes later, he's still looking for the tshirt. I have to repeat 'under the chair..under the chair...' He eventually gets it...but by god is this frustrating!

My husband and brother are both like this all the time. Neither have ASD, they have 'didn't listen' syndrome.

It is something he'll grow out of, but be prepared. I think they get worse in their teenage years. They don't see anything that needs to be done, don't notice you as a separate entity from them with separate needs and wants, don't notice anything unless it's spelled out in black and white, in capitals, repeatedly.

Does he help out around the house? What worked for me with my brother was a schedule of chores. Nothing amounting to child labour, but there's only the two of you, you're a team, and you don't want him to take you for granted. Have a list of small tasks for him to do starting half an hour after he comes in from school - give him time to change, have a snack and a quick chat. He could be in charge of watering the plants or tidying his bedroom or even doing a bit of hoovering. Teach him to do his own laundry. He's not too young and you'll be setting him up to be able to look after himself later in life. When he's older, get him to cook dinner once a week. You said a timetable wouldn't work, but having a task roster is a good grown-up alternative. I'm not saying overburden the child, but 45 mins of chores would be good for him (and you). Then have a longer chat time before he does his homework. This mostly worked for me with my brother, any failures I put down to the fact that he only came to live with me when the bad habits were already formed!

It sounds like you have a really lovely relationship with your son. I know it upset you but it is fantastic that he felt able to tell you that you had hurt his feelings. Many children wouldn't be so open with their parents, or even recognise that they were upset - they'd just turn their hurt into anger and act up. He sounds fairly emotionally mature. You probably could explain to him that sometimes you get very tired because you have two jobs, working and looking after him, and that sometimes you need a time-out, like he gets break-time in school.