Attending a church wedding?

lazygal

Me and my partner have been invited to a wedding of a work colleague of his. The guy he works with is atheist but is marrying a born again Christian - they have squared this circle, I don't get it myself! I received the invite and googled the church for directions.
I've found comments on the church and its congregation that are very offensive to me-it has condemned the civil partnership legislation and has a very backwards idea of the role of women. Also, its preachers (and I presume the pastor performing the ceremony) are quite "fire and brimestone" about Hell, non believers and the need to enforce Christian values in other areas of life.

Should we go? If this is the tone of the church, I KNOW I'll be offended sitting there for a marriage service if this is the kind of thing we have to listen to. Anyone skipped the religious service or should we suck it up for the day?

strobe

Ahh if you were invited I'd say just go, just phase out the religious part of the ceremony like everybody that has ever attended any kind of wedding has done for all time. I like to daydream about puppies flying spaceships.

seamus

It's definitely not uncommon for someone to miss the church ceremony and only attend the reception and vice-versa. The bride and groom wouldn't even notice if you didn't make it to the Church.

You can RSVP and say that you'll only make the reception as you have <insert lie> prior engagement that afternoon.

I however like to watch the spectacle and laugh (internally!) at the nonsense. I don't see how anyone can get offended, it's a bit like going to meet Santa with the kids.

antiskeptic

lazygal wrote: »

Me and my partner have been invited to a wedding of a work colleague of his. The guy he works with is atheist but is marrying a born again Christian - they have squared this circle, I don't get it myself! I received the invite and googled the church for directions.
I've found comments on the church and its congregation that are very offensive to me-it has condemned the civil partnership legislation and has a very backwards idea of the role of women. Also, its preachers (and I presume the pastor performing the ceremony) are quite "fire and brimestone" about Hell, non believers and the need to enforce Christian values in other areas of life.

Should we go? If this is the tone of the church, I KNOW I'll be offended sitting there for a marriage service if this is the kind of thing we have to listen to. Anyone skipped the religious service or should we suck it up for the day?

Earplugs? You can get them flesh coloured so as to be quite unobtrusive

fontanalis

Will sitting in a building for an hour for a friend really hurt you that much?

mailforkev

If you find the particular church in question personally offensive then no, you don't have to go.

To be honest, if more people took this line with certain other institutions then we'd all be getting somewhere.

Personally, church weddings I will suffer through due to my friendships with the happy couples that invite me. I have drawn a line with christenings though and don't attend the church part as it's not something I agree with.

liamw

fontanalis wrote: »

Will sitting in a building for an hour for a friend really hurt you that much?

Hey mate, I'm getting ranked up on Friday and hoping you can attend and show your support. You'll only need to sit in a building for an hour, can't hurt you. You can't miss it, the front door will be posted 'Church Of Scientology'.

Dades

I'd go with Seamus' idea of being possibly 'unable' to make the ceremony. Or just arrive late.

Before people get all hot under the collar about how it's not "your day just suck it up" - I totally concur that most people would not be missed by the wedding party - especially work colleagues. You absence will simply not be noticed unless you are an integral part of the wedding, or there is a very small attendance.

You could always arrive outside just before it ends and then mingle when the crowd arrives out.

I'm off to a church wedding Thursday - can't wait! Will sit towards the back (missis prefers it) and just take pics.

kmick

Weddings - its not about you!
Leave your narcissism at the door and go.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652/DSECTION=symptoms
excerpt
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior

robindch

lazygal wrote: »

I've found comments on the church and its congregation that are very offensive to me-it has condemned the civil partnership legislation and has a very backwards idea of the role of women. Also, its preachers (and I presume the pastor performing the ceremony) are quite "fire and brimestone" about Hell, non believers and the need to enforce Christian values in other areas of life.

Could you let us know when and where it's happening, then we'll organize a delegation to sit at the back and cheer loudly/mexican-wave anytime the pastor indulges any of his plentiful prejudices?

This could be fun

Malari

seamus wrote: »

It's definitely not uncommon for someone to miss the church ceremony and only attend the reception and vice-versa. The bride and groom wouldn't even notice if you didn't make it to the Church.

You can RSVP and say that you'll only make the reception as you have <insert lie> prior engagement that afternoon.

I however like to watch the spectacle and laugh (internally!) at the nonsense. I don't see how anyone can get offended, it's a bit like going to meet Santa with the kids.

Me too, often the church part can be the most entertaining! Try sitting next to a couple who thinks like you and it can be a great laugh

Truley

To be honest I've never seen the problem with going to other people's church weddings and christenings. You're not exactly being asked to take part in the ceremony, only watch while other people take part in it.

It sounds to me like the church in question is a small minority sect so there will be alot of other people there who aren't of that particular religious denomination or of no religion at all.

At the same time just because the religion itself preaches certain views doesn't mean they're going to be preaching them at the ceremony. I've never heard of a priest discussing contraception or gay marriage at a catholic wedding anyway.

ColmDawson

Truley wrote: »

I've never heard of a priest discussing contraception or gay marriage at a catholic wedding anyway.

I wish they did. It might make more people think about how Catholic or Christian they actually are.

johnfás

lazygal wrote: »

Me and my partner have been invited to a wedding of a work colleague of his. The guy he works with is atheist but is marrying a born again Christian - they have squared this circle, I don't get it myself!

Amazing what love will do, eh.

lazygal wrote: »

I received the invite and googled the church for directions.
I've found comments on the church and its congregation that are very offensive to me-it has condemned the civil partnership legislation and has a very backwards idea of the role of women. Also, its preachers (and I presume the pastor performing the ceremony) are quite "fire and brimestone" about Hell, non believers and the need to enforce Christian values in other areas of life.

Should we go? If this is the tone of the church, I KNOW I'll be offended sitting there for a marriage service if this is the kind of thing we have to listen to. Anyone skipped the religious service or should we suck it up for the day?

If you are that offended don't go. Most people wouldn't want somebody at their wedding under duress in any case. Personally if it was a close friend of mine I would attend whether it was a Christian, Muslim, Humanist or a ceremony in a chocolate filled bathtub. It really depends on your relationship with your friends as to whether you support them or not - as I said, if you're there under duress, they'd probably rather you didn't come either.

By the way, don't do what was suggested above and lie as to why you can't make it and then turn up to the party afterwards, which is being put on for you at considerable expense. To be honest, I'd consider that a pretty pathetic betrayal of a friend.

seamus

ColmDawson wrote: »

I wish they did. It might make more people think about how Catholic or Christian they actually are.

I imagine a lecture about the scourge of homosexuality, the sinfulness of contraception and the abomination of pre-marital sex during the Christmas Day mass would have something of an impact alright.

Beruthiel

lazygal wrote: »

Should we go? If this is the tone of the church

The only time you will ever see me inside a church is for weddings and funerals.
I go for the person involved in the ceremony, not for my own personal beliefs, which I can put aside out of respect for that person.

Dades

johnfás wrote: »

To be honest, I'd consider that a pretty pathetic betrayal of a friend.

I suspect you're overestimating the level of "give a crap" the OP's partner's atheist friend has about how much of the ceremony they sit through.

Zulu

Mention to your friend that you couldn't give a toss about his wife beliefs, &, frankly, you find them offensive, so you'd rather not attend or respect her part of the day.

Stress however, that you are perfectly happy to attend later for the free meal & party she's also providing.

Show him where your priorities lie, I've no doubt he'll respect your honesty.

checkyabadself

I'm guessing that the groom sounds like he'd be okay with you're absence from the ceremony, if not a little envious of the oppurtunity. I wouldn't be offended by something I thought was a load of BS. Bored yes, offended no.

A little off topic, listening to the majority of people I know, and posters on here, there must be a mad dash to secure a seat in the back row at a wedding these days.

MagicMarker

Just go.




























Bring an iPod.
















Throw it at the priest and run away.

Grawns

I have some ultra religous catholic relatives who boycotted my church ceremony as it was in the unitarian church. They probably could have handled a civil wedding better I've sat through their creepy ceremonies but I am the better person.

mr fog light

Zulu wrote: »

Mention to your friend that you couldn't give a toss about his wife beliefs, &, frankly, you find them offensive, so you'd rather not attend or respect her part of the day.

Stress however, that you are perfectly happy to attend later for the free meal & party she's also providing.

Show him where your priorities lie, I've no doubt he'll respect your honesty.

most weddings your expected to bring a gift and toasters kettles etc just don't cut it anymore. so considering the money usually put in cards these days it likely to be the most expensive meal til the next time your lucky enough to get invited to a wedding.Money!! that what these weddings are really all about

MagicMarker

mr fog light wrote: »

most weddings your expected to bring a gift and toasters kettles etc just don't cut it anymore. so considering the money usually put in cards these days it likely to be the most expensive meal til the next time your lucky enough to get invited to a wedding.Money!! that what these weddings are really all about

I have not, nor will I ever, bring a gift to a wedding.

My brother got married a couple of years back and there were no gifts from anyone. My dad got married earlier this year, and there were no gifts there either.

mr fog light

that fine if nobody else is bringing a gift but when all the other other guest are giving a gift ($$$$) and u come with one arm longer than the other your gonna feel like a d**k when u sit down for your free meal:eek:

Zulu

Certainly some people are soley concerned with money. Thankfully there's a recession sorting that out.

However assuming that everyone is of that ilk is a poor mistake to make.

ShooterSF

Zulu wrote: »

Mention to your friend that you couldn't give a toss about his wife beliefs, &, frankly, you find them offensive, so you'd rather not attend or respect her part of the day.

Stress however, that you are perfectly happy to attend later for the free meal & party she's also providing.

Show him where your priorities lie, I've no doubt he'll respect your honesty.

I don't think it's a good idea to be so confrontational with a groom about their wedding! The phrase picking your battles spring to mind.

OP don't go if it'll bother you. There's no need to spell out your reasons, most atheists would understand you might find it uncomfortable. TBH though I'm with a few of the other posters here who enjoy it. The last wedding I went to I sat at the back. Didn't do any of that bolloxy kneeling and standing but did get a good laugh and quite some fun at the girlfriends expense when the priest read out something about the womans job being to entertain the man

Ickle Magoo

I would just go and support my friends regardless of the building the ceremony is taking place in. I view weddings and funerals for my religious friends the same way I'd hope they viewed/will view ours. I wouldn't like people boycotting my family ceremonies because they don't approve with ceremonies held out-with a church so I wouldn't be deliberately avoiding their weddings or funerals because they are religious or are in a church.

Zulu

ShooterSF wrote: »

I don't think it's a good idea to be so confrontational...

I think your sarcasm filter might be off.

Truley

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I would just go and support my friends regardless of the building the ceremony is taking place in. I view weddings and funerals for my religious friends the same way I'd hope they viewed/will view ours. I wouldn't like people boycotting my family ceremonies because they don't approve with ceremonies held out-with a church so I wouldn't be deliberately avoiding their weddings or funerals because they are religious or are in a church.

I'm the same. Actually if a friend refused to go to my wedding because they didn't agree with where it's held I would find it pretty damn hurtful to be honest. As such I would never do that to my friends whatever religious persuasion they are.

At the same time if they came to the wedding to poke fun and scoff at my religious beliefs/lack of them, I would prefer they didn't come at all :mad:

Zulu

Truley wrote:

At the same time if they came to the wedding to poke fun and scoff at my religious beliefs/lack of them, I would prefer they didn't come at all

...good point, although if my friends did the later, I'd be more worried about the caliber of person I'm friends with than their arrogance/ignorance.

ShooterSF

Zulu wrote: »

I think your sarcasm filter might be off.

It wasn't I was being obtuse :P

PeterIanStaker

Bring your MP3 player, but don't listen to a match or anything or you'll wind up like Homer Simpson did. Cant find the YT link but you know the one: "its good, Its good. . . to see you all in church"

robindch

PeterIanStaker wrote: »

Bring your MP3 player

Get the cheapest mobile phone you can find, and set the ring tone to be the islamic call to prayer and drop the phone somewhere in the building as people are milling about before things start. Then, turn off caller-id on your phone, and at some opportune moment during the service, quietly call the disposable phone from the back of the church and enjoy the flap

Busi_Girl08

Get yourself a pair of these, and take a nap during the ceremony.

If you're a snorer, then just bring an iPod, or braid the hair of the person in front of you.

AudreyHepburn

I must say I'm a little shocked at the attitudes on here.

Are people really so self centred and selfish that they would refuse to go to a friend or family member's wedding just because they don't believe in th Church?

Would it really be so difficult to put aside your predjudaces for the day and be with your friend to celebrate with him?

In my opinion if some-one invites you to a ceremony, be it christening, wedding or funeral, you should go regardless of your beliefs.

It's not always about you and your beliefs.

MagicMarker

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

In my opinion if some-one invites you to a ceremony, be it christening, wedding or funeral, you should go regardless of your beliefs.

What if I just don't want to go?

AudreyHepburn

MagicMarker wrote: »

What if I just don't want to go?

Well I think that unless you have a perfectly good reason not to go, rather than because you just couldn't bothered or because you don't sure their beliefs you really should go.

How would you feel if your friend refused to go to your wedding because it wasn't a religious ceremony?

Pretty P.O'd I'd imagine.

robindch

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

you should go regardless of your beliefs.

Say you're gay man and you were invited to a wedding where you knew that the prelate would rant on about gay men or gay marriage etc. Would you feel welcome?

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

It's not always about you and your beliefs.

Churches are all about beliefs.

AudreyHepburn

robindch wrote: »

Say you're gay man and you were invited to a wedding where you knew that the prelate would rant on about gay men or gay marriage etc. Would you feel welcome?

No. But I also wouldn't allow some homophobic priest stop me from being with my friends/relations on their wedding day.

Sometimes you need you put others feelings and wishes before yourself.

Churches are all about beliefs.

Would it be so difficult just to bite your tongue and suck it up for one or two hours in the morning?

The rest of the day will have nothing religious about so those two hours shouldn't kill you.

stimpson

I got married last month and was disappointed because a lot of my close friends couldn't come for various reasons (kids, school holidays, not living in Ireland etc.). I'd have been a bit pissed off if anyone skipped it due to the fact that it wasn't in a church.

In fact, some of my more reactionary catholic relatives attended and commented on how nice the civil ceremony was and didn't once mention my divorce or the fact that I was marrying a (lapsed) protestant or that we had our son out of marriage - they were just happy to have been there for us.

I guess what I'm trying to day is that if it was my friend, I'd be more than happy to make a little sacrifice for him regardless of who was conducting the ceremony. It doesn't make you any less of an atheist.

Zulu

robindch wrote: »

Say you're gay man and...

As a gay man do you respect the ramblings of a homophobic man who believes in a magical invisible super-being who can turn wafers into 2000year old human flesh?

No?

Then why would you care? Why wouldn't you simply be there for your friend?


And of course this begs another question: what sort of friend are you that you'd rather let the ramblings of a homophobic man, who believes in a magical invisible super-being, who can turn wafers into 2000 year old human flesh, prevent you from attending your friends special day? What sort of friend are you that you choose not to disregard the bullshit; that you choose not to support your friend?

(the "you" here isn't personally aimed at you robindch - it's aimed at anyone that can't manage to ignore what they don't believe for an hour in support of their friends)

mikhail

Conversely, I'd be ashamed to ask a friend to an event where he'd be told of how inherently evil he his. Of course, it would be different if I thought he was inherently evil, but then why would he be my friend? But if I don't believe that, why would I hold a ceremony of such importance to me in a place which makes such disgusting claims contrary to my beliefs?

Don't become so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance
-- Bill Maher

magicbastarder

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I would just go and support my friends regardless of the building the ceremony is taking place in.

there's a lot of responses like this, and in this case, i'd be inclined to agree, but there is merit in refusing to attend a ceremony of an organisation you have deep-seated unease with. for example, i wouldn't go to a function in the BNP headquarters if invited.

Pushtrak

For me, I think the important thing is who is having the ceremony? I wouldn't really say "family" as a whole would fit in this category. Lots of people in the extended family that I haven't seen in ages and wouldn't really care that much about some wedding or christening for instance.

If its close family or friends, then I'll put up with it. The thing is, actually being at these religious nonsense just shows the ridiculousness in the context in which religious people are expected to accept it. I mean, you hear nonsense from people and seeing these ridiculous traditions. Go a long time without going to a church for an occasion, and when you go again the urge to facepalm will be strong indeed.

I was asked to be the godfather of my nephew. I didn't really want to outright refuse even though I didn't want to do it. So, I made it clear that any religious importance of the role would be misplaced in choosing me. The point wasn't an issue, and someone else was selected. This was back in around January or so. I went to the christening, well, after having a few smokes outside the church and a protracted laugh about religion and the church with a friend outside. When I was at the church, I was very grateful I didn't go with being the godfather. Going in to the church and zoning out is one thing, but actually going that extra step while being as dismissive of religion would have been far too much for me.

I suppose my point is that if the person is important enough to me, I'll put aside as much discomfort as I can, but no more. To the people who say "Its not your day, just put up with it" I think the converse is true. I think that the person has enough people there that day. It is the other days that aren't "their day" that I be decent to them. I haven't really felt anyone has perceived rudeness about my attitude on "their day" and hopefully never will. But should they feel that, then, hopefully knowing how I am every other day of the year will give a bit of perspective.

Ickle Magoo

magicbastarder wrote: »

there's a lot of responses like this, and in this case, i'd be inclined to agree, but there is merit in refusing to attend a ceremony of an organisation you have deep-seated unease with. for example, i wouldn't go to a function in the BNP headquarters if invited.

Well, yes, I have to say it hadn't occurred to me that anyone would have a function that required my support in the BNP headquarters.

Zulu

magicbastarder wrote: »

there is merit in refusing to attend a ceremony of an organisation you have deep-seated unease with. for example, i wouldn't go to a function in the BNP headquarters if invited.

Well I was more generally (ie: not limiting it to a particular religion).

I disagree with liking a wedding at a church to a BMP meeting. Frankly it's a bullshit comparison; facetious.

Raised in catholic Ireland as a catholic, & having gone to a catholic secondary school I developed a healthy sceptisim of religion(s). I class myself as agnostic as I can't agree with the evangelism of "athiests".
I've been to more weddings & funerals than I can count, and I have never came across a priest who abused the oppertunity to spit vemon at homosexuals or anyone for that matter.

AudreyHepburn

magicbastarder wrote: »

there's a lot of responses like this, and in this case, i'd be inclined to agree, but there is merit in refusing to attend a ceremony of an organisation you have deep-seated unease with. for example, i wouldn't go to a function in the BNP headquarters if invited.

We aren't talking about some white supremecist rally, which btw I wouldn't be comfortable attending either.

We are talking about putting aside your feelings and beliefs for one day of your life for your friends to spend their special day with them.

Do you hate the church so much that you couldn't be a little less selfish for one day?

How would you feel if your friend refused to come to you wedding because it was a secular ceremony?

Pushtrak

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

Do you hate the church so much that you couldn't be a little less selfish for one day?

You presuppose selfishness is an every other day trait. Frankly, if someone was that way every other day of the year, I wouldn't want them on any important day. So it's a stupid comparison.

AudreyHepburn

Pushtrak wrote: »

You presuppose selfishness is an every other day trait. Frankly, if someone was that way every other day of the year, I wouldn't want them on any important day. So it's a stupid comparison.

Erm......what?

Pushtrak

It doesn't make sense to you because you trotted out a line that is so familiar to everyone, no one has really put any thought into it.

AudreyHepburn

Pushtrak wrote: »

It doesn't make sense to you because you trotted out a line that is so familiar to everyone, no one has really put any thought into it.

No it doesn't make sense make sense to me because......it just doesn't make sense.

Stop being smart and just explain to me what you meant.