How do I tell my daughter her father is gay?

LegacyUser

I am a regular here but for obvious reasons I have chosed to go anonymously. I will try and keep this short and sweet, and would really appreciate some advice!

I am a mother of a ten year old child, her father and I were together for a number of years before we had her, and were quite happy etc. However when my daughter was 3/4 years old I discovered that he was gay, he had not acted on his 'urges', but had strong feelings. It was an extremely difficult time for me, I was hurt and in shock, but I managed to get over it, for the sake of our daughter, as I knew he was a good father and I would not have ruined my daughter's and her fathers relationship.

I wont go into detail, but we have managed to stay friends and I have forgiven him. I am now married and very happy, and her father is now in a long term relationship and living with the person (I'm actually very good friends with this guy!).

Recently though I've started to feel that the time will soon arrive when my daughter will need to be told the truth about her father's sexuality. Up until now she's been oblivious to it, and thinks that his partner is just his housemate/friend but I've started to think recently from things she's said that this innocence may be coming to an end.

The only problem is I've no idea how to handle this. Do I wait until she asks, or risk an older child copping it and asking her something like "is your dad gay?", I'm also afraid that if I say something before she brings it up (one way or another) that I might be completely wrong and in fact she hadn't any idea at all.

So, do I wait and see, or sit her down and tell her the truth. We have a very open relationship (luckily) so she's already comfortable talking to me about things, but I don't want to shatter her innocence any sooner than I really have to.
Any advice much appreciated.

Khannie

Well...that's a rough one alright. I've a few suggestions:

I'd tell her before she guesses or whatever. I think that's probably the best way to go about it. If yourself and her dad sit her down together I think that's probably going to be easiest on her. 10 is young, but I think the youngfella was around that age when I did "the talk" with him. Sexuality was part of the discussion and he was grand with that part of it as I recall. If she's been given "the talk" in school it might be worth checking whether they covered sexuality in it.

It's probably worth visiting the LGB forum here on boards too and asking if anyone there has any experience doing this.

Good luck with it anyway.

Cat Melodeon

I haven't any experience of this, sorry. It might be worth discussing sexuality with her in general before outing her dad. If she understands that some people like other people of the same sex and that this is completely normal, when the time comes it won't be weird for her that her dad likes to have another man as his partner.

There are some books for kids on the topic, but your daughter is at a bit of an in between age. I've heard of a book called 'Am I blue' that is supposed to be excellent, it and other books are reviewed on this site:
http://www.armory.com/~web/gaybooks.html
Maybe that would be a good place to start before getting into specifics?

astra2000

Hi op firstly well done on been able to maintain a friendship with your ex after such a difficult time. My advice would be to tell your daughter sooner rather than later, if it is something she grows up knowing it will be easier than finding out as a teenager when there may be many other issues to deal with. It might be worth getting some professional advice on this, have you though about asking on the lesbian,gay forum maybe someone there has had to do something similar, best of luck

LegacyUser

Op here..

Thanks for all the advice so far, she does know what gay and lesbian means and we have had the 'talk', so thats a plus. Astra2000 , thats a valid point re: the lgbt forum, I might see if I can post same thread or something similar, if someone has gone through this they may be able to advise!

I'm just so afraid of shattering her innocence I guess..

LegacyUser

Thanks Cat Melodeon, I actually just looked at that link, some of the books look excellent, including the one you mentioned , 'am I blue'. I'll take a proper look through it later and see if there are any I think would be good for her.

unkel

What age is your daughter now?

WorriedMum123 wrote: »

I am now married and very happy, and her father is now in a long term relationship and living with the person (I'm actually very good friends with this guy!)

That sounds very good. You'll all get along fine. I knew from a very early age that my father's brother was gay. It was all out in the open. I knew it wasn't "normal" as in it wasn't the norm, but I knew some people just were like that - there was no problem with it.

Khannie

unkel wrote: »

What age is your daughter now?

She's 10. It's in the OP.

unkel

Had to re-read it twice to spot that

cynder

Thankfully im not in the situation but i did meet a male couple at the airport and one of the fellas brought his daughter along for the holiday, They seemed like a perfect normal family except they were two men.

I think kids are quite resilient and she will except it sooner or later, would have been better if you told her earlier when her dad first got into a relationship with the bloke.

If your daughter has met the fella and gets on well with him it should make it easier, if she hasnt met him yet introduce them.

Better it comes from ye then some mean spirited person/child that knows whats going on....


best of luck

Just to say my ex land ladys sister was married nearly 40 years and one day her son bunks of college and finds his dad in bed with another guy...... now that was a shock to the system.

CrazyRabbit

To a child that age, their dad is their dad and they'd love them if they were blue, covered in warts, or even an alien. It's only adults that have trouble with gay people due to learned prejudices and ignorance.

She will respond based on cues she picks up from you. If you treat it like it's no big deal, then it will be no big deal to her. Just warn her that some people can say cruel things, but that these people are very dumb and ignorant. As such, they are not worth listening to.

Cian92

I think you should sit down and tell her with her Father. By doing this you can explain it in away that there will be no stigma attached to homosexuality.

Also she might already know what being gay means. I am 18 now and I knew all about sex and gay/lesbian by about 4th class. Now of course my Mam hadn't a clue, and thought the first time I heard was when we got the "talk". No matter how well you think you know her, there is a good chance she knows.

For example a friends mam was talking to my own mam about wether we went out drinking and both were convinced we never had. This is the most hilarious thing I heard. So to link that back she may already have an inkling of whats happening and not want to ask. I was 14 before I asked why my cousin had no Dad, just afraid to bring it up in case I hit a raw nerve. Your daughter might be the same. Children can sense these things and are alot smarter than we give them credit for.

smelltheglove

Crazy rabbit has summed it up well there, she will respond to you and if you treat it like its not a big deal then thats how she will treat it. In my husbands family his sister and uncle are gay with long term partners. I know his nieces and nephews are told they are just friends but I decided not to do this myself. My kids have always known these people love each other and because it was never brushed under the carpet questions were not asked really. I mean once the oldest one asked why the girls werent married and I just said its because they love each other and sometimes girls love girls and boys love boys, I didnt tag it with gay or lesbian, just stated thats the way things are.

I think it would be best for you to mention it in passing to your daughter first. If you are both to sit down with her and have a discussion about it then she would feel a discussion is warranted, that it is a big deal. Id be more inclined just to say well you know how daddy lives with Paddy, you do know that they love each other dont you. She is young enough still to just accept it and as she gets a little older you can then explain to her in more detail.

LegacyUser

Hi op here, once again thank you for the responses. My daughter does know what gay and lesbian means etc., and doesn't understand what the 'big deal' is, so thats one thing that has been covered so to speak.

I guess I'm just afraid of a bad reaction from her, and that she may be hurt and angry. She knows her Dad's partner very well and gets on well with him, but as far as she is concerned they are friends who live together, holiday together and spend alot of time with one another. When she stays in their house they sleep in seperate bedrooms and again as far as she is concerned its like that when she is not there.

Even reading this I'm starting to see how she may feel that she has been deceived, when all we were trying to do was protect her for as long as possible.

Nevyn

Well it sounds like she has a good grounding to start with, she knows there are gay people and isn't fussed and she knows her father's partner.
I can understand the wanting to break it to her and being concerned.

Honestly I would leave it to them as a couple to do it and figure out how to make that approach. Leaving you as it were for her to talk to if she gets upset or angry.

Even with them not being affectionate to each other infront of her, I am sure she picks up on the fact they care for each other.

I think introducing a new partner to children is always something we worry about no matter if it's a same sex partner or not. I remember crossing that threshold myself with my partner, they knew him as being one of my friends and were used to him being about and knew I went and stayed over with him. We got over the hurdle by just kissing each other 'hello' when he came over and then when they questined it saying we are bf and gf
and talking to them about it.

The more normal it is and less of a fuss made usually children will just accept it.
Worse case senario she won't want to see them for a while but all children come around esp if you are there for her and let her know that it's ok for her Dad to have a boyfriend who loves him and that it is a good thing.

scudzilla

Sit her down and tell her that her daddy likes men, sure she'd appreciate the directness in years to come.

jill_valentine

worriedmum123 wrote: »

Even reading this I'm starting to see how she may feel that she has been deceived, when all we were trying to do was protect her for as long as possible.

I think it's worth telling her that, too. You know, we weren't trying to keep it from you, we just weren't really sure what the best way of telling you was. 'Cause not all kids are as smart as you.

NuMarvel

Just wondering OP, have you discussed this with the child's father? Might it go better if the two of you tell her together so that she can ask questions if she wants to?

AvaKinder

I definitely think you might be better off treating it casually, i.e. you or your ex simply saying in passing 'I know you probably know this already, but (name) is daddy's boyfriend'. If it comes as a shock to her you can sit and talk about it then.

OUTOFSYNC

What Does her father think? Shouldn't he be the one to tell her?

LegacyUser

Hi all, once again thank you for advice so far, I can't thank you individually or quote any posts as I'm anonymous.

Anyway in response to her father, yes we both plan on talking to her not just me, I;m just trying to 'phyche' myself up first I guess, as I'm sure her father is, although I don't think he is as worried as me to be honest.

I was chatting to my little one earlier and can really see that she hasn't a clue at all, no suspicions, and in a way I wish she did. I have given her loads of opportunities to ask etc, and really did see tonight that she has no idea.

We will still tell her, as I really took on board what someone said with regards to telling her before her hormones start going haywire.

jill_valentine

It's a tricky situation and I sympathise, but I think it's one of those things that has to be done one way or the other. On the upside, you only need to do it the once, and when it is out of the way, everybody can relax.

Best of luck, OP.

CommInfo

Outcomers in Dundalk recently did a big piece of research on the lives of Families who have LGBT members which included quite a lot of fathers and their children. Their experiences are described in the publication. It might be worth giving them a call and asking them to send out a copy, they are lovely and it's free