Is it easier for women?

LegacyUser

The last girlfriend I had was 3.5 years ago. Before my last girlfriend there were many barren years. I think this couldve been my own fault, Ive never played the chasing game with women. I saw so many other guys over the years throw themselves at girls and basically throw away their dignity in the process. Even on an average night out in a nightclub you'd see the same scenario: Guy approaches girl. Girl dismisses guy and tells him to get lost. Guy walks away with tail between legs. I witnessed this so many times that I swore I'd never be a sap who chases and throws away his dignity. My philosophy was Id meet a girl half way, I wouldnt expect her to chase me and I wouldnt chase her. Well I stuck to my guns but the downside of this approach was one girlfriend in......I wont say how many years, its embarressing.
When I was with my last girlfriend though something weird happened. After being practically ignored by women for years, all of a sudden I was Mr. Popular. I was getting approached all the time, lots of looks everywhere I went. It was confusing. When I was available no women wanted to know me it seemed but now that I was taken they all wanted me!!!??? I never understood that, seems very shallow for somebody to want a person just because they were already taken and not want somebody who was available.

Anyway, broke up with last girlfriend for a variety of reasons. When we did she said that there was no way I was gonna be single for any length of time again, that I would meet another girl fairly soon............that was 3.5years ago and my pattern seems to be repeating itself. It just seems like its easier for women in that most guys are willing to chase and risk having their dignity take a beating. That women just have to show up and lads will chase after them. I mean my last girlfriend used to tell me that everywhere she went guys would come onto her: In pubs/niteclubs, at the supermarket, in cafes, In the gym, at the bus stop! She never had to make any effort because guys would always chase after her. Same with her friends.
Im the last man standing at this stage, all my friends are hooked up and I rarely get to see them, so I have to admit that my single status is making life a bit hard. Worse still, lately Ive found that Im now actively being not included for some get togethers because Im single. I would like a girlfriend, things are getting pretty lonely, weekends can be tough. But like I said, 3.5years and nothing, not even date. I just cant do the chasing thing, its a bit pathetic.


Anyway, I suppose this all boils down to 2 questions:

Is the reason why Im still single because I wont chase, or would it be something else?

Is it easier for women to get dates etc?


(Apologies if any of this comes across as a rant or comes across in any way as having a dig at women. Thats not what I was doing).

ClutchIt

username555 wrote: »

Anyway, I suppose this all boils down to 2 questions:

Is the reason why Im still single because I wont chase,

Yes I would say that was the problem alright. Womens favorite thing is to be chased a bit. It would be a bit insulting if you didn't make a big effort to get on with a girl.

username555 wrote: »

Is it easier for women to get dates etc?

Yes, I'd say it's easier for them to get dates too.

shellyboo

If you're not willing to put across signals that will let a girl know you may like her, you're going to find it difficult to find a parter. If you think chasing someone is "pathetic", why are you expecting a woman to chase you in order to find out if you're interested?

There is a medium to be reached between chasing someone and letting a girl know you're interested. That's what you need to find - women don't go around assuming they can have any man they want, no matter what you may think. We struggle with lack of confidence and low self-esteem and fear of rejection, just like guys do. You have to meet someone in the middle. I'd suggest leaving the bar/club scene behind first of all - it's a toxic atmosphere when it comes to finding prospective partners.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

If you're not willing to put across signals that will let a girl know you may like her, you're going to find it difficult to find a parter. If you think chasing someone is "pathetic", why are you expecting a woman to chase you in order to find out if you're interested?

There is a medium to be reached between chasing someone and letting a girl know you're interested. That's what you need to find - women don't go around assuming they can have any man they want, no matter what you may think. We struggle with lack of confidence and low self-esteem and fear of rejection, just like guys do. You have to meet someone in the middle. I'd suggest leaving the bar/club scene behind first of all - it's a toxic atmosphere when it comes to finding prospective partners.

Thanks for the reply shelly but I did say this in my original post:

"My philosophy was Id meet a girl half way, I wouldnt expect her to chase me and I wouldnt chase her".

Im not expecting women to chase me either. I think it should be 50/50 all the way.

LegacyUser

username555 wrote: »

Anyway, I suppose this all boils down to 2 questions:

Is the reason why Im still single because I wont chase, or would it be something else?

Is it easier for women to get dates etc?


(Apologies if any of this comes across as a rant or comes across in any way as having a dig at women. Thats not what I was doing).

Question 1 answer is YES
Question 2 answer is YES, as they get approached and pick and choose effectively

BTW you dont have to go around throwing your dignit away as you put it but you do have to let people know you interested.

Dont go up and ask direct, do you want a drink, Do you want a dance - thats the shot down technique.
You can engage in small talk have a bit of craic with them (and then dissapear off and if you happen to bump into them again make small talk and) generally if people hang around then its a given

A.Partridge

username555 wrote: »

....My philosophy was Id meet a girl half way, I wouldnt expect her to chase me and I wouldnt chase her. Well I stuck to my guns but the downside of this approach was one girlfriend in......I wont say how many years, its embarressing.


Anyway, I suppose this all boils down to 2 questions:

Is the reason why Im still single because I wont chase, or would it be something else?

Is it easier for women to get dates etc?

Ehhhh....yeah I'd fairly well say the fact that you show zero interest (i.e. no chase) in a woman would be a significant factor in your current situation.:o

Fact is if you won't chase... and you don't expect the girl to chase... how in heaven's name do you expect to make a connection with anyone?

If the entire human race decided to operate based on your 'don't chase and throw away your dignity' logic then we'd be doomed to extinction.

Oh, and btw, who ever said that chasing/expressing an interest - or whatever one likes to call it - is akin to throwing away one's dignity?

It's called courtship...even the animals do it...bright colours...displays...put on your happy face etc.

Give it a go.

sarmer

I honestly have to say in my experience that women have it just as hard if not harder. Society expects men to chase and women to be chased - in my opinion men have the power. They can see a girl they like and go for it - despite what anyone says if a girl sees a guy shes likes its frowned upon if she makes a move and a lot of people would view it as desperate. It shouldn't be that way but it is.

Even with guys I've dated, they expect to be the ones doing the chasing. As soon as I start initiating texting or suggesting things to do, I've generally found the guys lose interest. It really annoys me because I want things to be fair and equal in a relationship and I believe things should be 50/50 eg in terms of initiating contact, suggesting things to do etc. And its in my nature to be pro active about things - I hate having little or no power in the dating scene because despite what people say and despite it being the 21st century, men hold the power when it comes to dating.

username123

OP - it seems to me you have a skewed view of the world. How showing an interest in a member of the opposite sex equates to throwing away ones dignity is beyond me. You seem to think that there is some kind of one-up-manship going on. In fact, all that is happening is that a person shows interest and the other person either rejects or accepts it. Do you expect people to fake interest just to save other peoples 'dignity'? Thats a totally warped view and as long as you hold it you are going to find it very difficult to connect with anyone.

You cant expect some kind of magical situation where you refuse to show interest and you meet a girl who shows no interest and somehow ye meet in the middle and its all ok!!

It would suggest to me that you have self esteem issues that you need to work on. Youve got such a fear of rejection that youve come up with this odd view of loss of dignity and how chasing someone is pathetic. It isnt. Its normal. And its no loss of dignity to show some interest and get knocked back - its life. You dont put your tail between your legs in this situation, you wag it at the next lady you like the look of.

LegacyUser

OP. I could have written the exact same post as you but I am female. I'm am constantly told by friends, colleagues, etc that I am a great catch, strangers or say friends or relations of friends often cannot understand how I am single. last LTR ended in 2006. Have had a few short lived ones since. I rarely get approached. I am good looking, curvy (could prob lose 21lbs) and keep myself well. I have friends that treat men like sh*te when they are approached. I always give a man the time of day - unless he is very drunk/unkempt. I will give them a change as I appreciate that it has taken some effort to come over etc.
It is just as hard for women.
I'm late 30's now. Had much more success in my teens and 20's!!!

dory

It's easier for women to have a one night stand.

It's difficult for women to know which guys are genuine and will call again the next day.

You'll have to find some dignified way to speak to a women. You can make friendly chat without going overboard. Practice will make it easier.

sarahspud

Its definitely just as hard for women. Its really hard for us to approach a guy-they usually see that as a sign of desperation unfortunately. The most successful guys I know in getting dates/girlfriends are those who go out and approach girls-they take rejection well & dont see it as something to do with them. I dont know how they do this, as I find it hard to take rejection, but yeah, if you're a guy you need to make a bit of an effort-smile, try and make eye contact, have a chat-you dont have to put yourself completely on the line but you do have to show interest. If shes not interested it doesn't reflect on your dignity. Good luck with it!

LegacyUser

I agree with OP. It is easier for women to score, have one night stands etc. All they have to do is just sit back and watch the men approach. Its most definitley a sellers market out there and for us guys, that's frustrating. I'm 34, considered good looking by female friends yet I was a virgin up to a couple of weeks ago. For years, this is what happened to me; I would chat up women in pubs and nightclubs, score, go off with them, get their numbers etc. but for some reason it never lead to sex or I would go over and chat up a woman and be told to get lost/ go over, chat to a woman but she would say she had a boyfriend.

However all was not lost. About 3 months ago my mother introduced me to a friend of a friend. She was slightly younger than me with a young child but single. She is eastern European, a brunnette but a very charming and attractive lady. She has been living here for 7 years but since having broke up with a long term about 4 years ago, she has had a few relationships. We got on really well, went for dinner, cinema, long walks, picnics etc. Then one Monday aound lunch time around 2 weeks ago she called over. I was of for the day and her child was with a friend in the zoo. We had planned to go for a walk but I decided to just go for it. To cut a long story short within 20 minutes the two of us were standing in my bedroom completley naked. We just touched each other and it was then I started getting all nervous. I had never been in the company of a naked woman before and her beautiful taut body was there before me. I blurted out that I had never done it before. She told me not to be nervous and just go with the flo and hugged me. Well we made love with her setting the tempo, talking me through and guiding me through all the moves starting with the foreplay through to the climax. Since then I have never looked back and I am now with a beautiful woman. Thank you Mila.

OP, just relax man, it will all fall into shape. I was like you not so long ago but it came along. You just need to be more confident with yourself. I made the move and have never looked back. Good luck mate.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

You cant expect some kind of magical situation where you refuse to show interest and you meet a girl who shows no interest and somehow ye meet in the middle and its all ok!!

It would suggest to me that you have self esteem issues that you need to work on. Youve got such a fear of rejection that youve come up with this odd view of loss of dignity and how chasing someone is pathetic. It isnt. Its normal. And its no loss of dignity to show some interest and get knocked back - its life. You dont put your tail between your legs in this situation, you wag it at the next lady you like the look of.

Jaysus I never said anything about not showing an interest!! Theres showing an interest and then theres what Ive seen first hand take place between men and women. Guy apporaches girl, girl blanks guy or tells him to get lost, guy beats hasty retreat with dignity having been flung out the window. I'll give you an example. Myself and two friends of mine were in a bar a few months ago and there was a small group of 3 girls sitting near us. This one guy walks over to the girls and starts trying to chat up one of them. Obviously it took a lot of courage for this guy to approach but that counted for nothing because He was treated very poorly by the main girl he was trying to chat up and by her two friends. After trying unscuccesfully to chat the one girl up he scurried off looking dejected. The girls laughed collectively as he departed the scene and I heard one of them say, "loser" at which point the 3 of them cracked up laughing.
So thats what Im referring to when I talk about loss of dignity. Maybe I do fear ejection, I'll admit that, but then again most people do. Although if youre a woman it seems like you dont have to deal with that kind of rejection as much as men do. I mean its easy to say things like, suck it up and take the rejection if youre not the one being rejected. I dont want to turn this into a witch hunt against women, but it seems to me like they dont have to risk being rejected as much as men. For some reason I cant figure out, men have been placed in the role of the chaser and women dont have to really bother, they dont have to risk rejection as much a men do. Tell me Im wrong, tell me its not easier for women to get dates?

Kevo

You could try online dating. It would be a less awkward way of getting used to pursuing women.

Distorted

username555 wrote: »

I'll give you an example. Myself and two friends of mine were in a bar a few months ago and there was a small group of 3 girls sitting near us. This one guy walks over to the girls and starts trying to chat up one of them. Obviously it took a lot of courage for this guy to approach but that counted for nothing because He was treated very poorly by the main girl he was trying to chat up and by her two friends. After trying unscuccesfully to chat the one girl up he scurried off looking dejected. The girls laughed collectively as he departed the scene and I heard one of them say, "loser" at which point the 3 of them cracked up laughing.

Its to do with social skills, particularly being able to read unspoken cues as to when other people will be open to approaches. Such as eye contact, body language, situation and setting. What I'd be questioning about the situation above is whether the man interupted the girls' conversation in an annoying way, and whether he was batting out of his league, in terms of attractiveness. Most men I would also guess, wouldn't approach a group of 3 girls on their own. Don't they tend to have a "wingman" or something to help them?

Also I can't help noticing that a lot of the male posters on this thread refer to approaching women in night clubs and having one night stands. Maybe this is what the women who turn them down are seeing through, because they want to get to know a guy a little through dating him first and then decide whether or not to have sex with him? Having sex with a woman isn't a god given right, just because you speak to her!

To say things like you lose your dignity in pursuing a woman indicates to me that you can't really be bothered, that you have never met anyone who is that special to you and that you are thinking of women in terms of what you can get out of them (while they equally might be wondering whats in it for them?). In short, you might be coming across as a little shallow.

If pursuing women is too much for you though, whats wrong with getting to know women as friends first, through mutual interests, and then getting together more slowly? Rather than approaching them in a night club or whatever.

j4vier

i think the op s point with the whole "trowing the dignity away" has to do with the fact that men in general are more open to drop their standards considerably just to get some action

op , a plain an simple answer to your questions, yes

same situation here pretty much and if you wanna get some results you just gonna have to change, the world isnt gonna meet you half way

Ickle Magoo

I think this issue is two-fold.

Firstly, yes I do think it's easier for women and men often do have to do the lions share of asking out and chatting up which gives women the upper hand when it comes to rejections...added to the fact that pubs and clubs are not where most girls go looking for a partner, they tend to have a lot of drunken, desperate blokes looking for a leg-over and so you'll see a disproportionately high percentage of knock-backs.

Secondly, you have to at least show some interest to generate any responses at all. Yes, guys have to do the lions share but at some stage you are just going to have to accept that and get on with it if you want to join in the dating game.

Best of luck.

username123

username555 wrote: »

I'll give you an example. Myself and two friends of mine were in a bar a few months ago and there was a small group of 3 girls sitting near us. This one guy walks over to the girls and starts trying to chat up one of them. Obviously it took a lot of courage for this guy to approach but that counted for nothing because He was treated very poorly by the main girl he was trying to chat up and by her two friends. After trying unscuccesfully to chat the one girl up he scurried off looking dejected. The girls laughed collectively as he departed the scene and I heard one of them say, "loser" at which point the 3 of them cracked up laughing.

OK - the problem in the above situation is that its a bad bad way to approach women. From a female perspective, if Im chatting to my two pals and some guy appears and barges in on our conversation - he will definitely get a knock back. Your friend needs to learn how to approach women. Its got to be done with eye contact and smiles before ever making a physical approach. If the eye contact doesnt work, then dont go over - no visible knock back. Its not courageous to approach women in the situation above, its socially inappropriate. Unless he is super handsome, with some amazing lines - chances are the knock back will be swift. So in the above situation Id blame your mate for making a social gaffe. Next time he needs to read the situation.
I do understand what you mean here about loss of dignity - but in fairness, the guy brought that on himself.

username555 wrote: »

Maybe I do fear ejection, I'll admit that, but then again most people do. Although if youre a woman it seems like you dont have to deal with that kind of rejection as much as men do. I mean its easy to say things like, suck it up and take the rejection if youre not the one being rejected. I dont want to turn this into a witch hunt against women, but it seems to me like they dont have to risk being rejected as much as men. For some reason I cant figure out, men have been placed in the role of the chaser and women dont have to really bother, they dont have to risk rejection as much a men do. Tell me Im wrong, tell me its not easier for women to get dates?

Yes, men have been placed in the role of chaser and girls will not face as much of the kind of rejection you talk about above because (a) a girl usually wouldnt approach a group of lads that way and (b) a lot of times lads would be glad to be approached so she might not get rejected at all.

You might feel there is an unfairness between the sexes on this but dont forget that women suffer from other unfair things in the dating game that dont happen to men. For example, if a girls has sex on the first date she is a slut - but the guy she had sex with is commended. If she wants to wait to have sex she is a pr1ck tease, and the guy is advised to move on etc...etc.... Its just the way the world of dating goes, there are certain things that are easier if youre a man, and certain things that are easier if youre a woman.

I think you need to rethink your approach to women in general. Ill bet the reason you were approached more when you were in a relationship was that you were giving out good confident vibes, higher self esteem etc... Now that youre single youre giving out the 'i dont want to lose my dignity and women have it easier than men' vibes - so youre not getting approached because women are sensing that there is something negative going on. Of course I could be totally wrong, but I do think youve got to look at the reasons why things are different for you now.

magneticimpulse

I dont think its easier for women at all. We have to wait for guys to take an interest...but since many guys are already in relationships...how do we know where the single ones are?

It depends on women and men...some women are really outgoing and just fling themselves at men and they hit it off. Other women are really shy and stand in the corner of the nightclub or on dancefloor together.

Even when people are in relationships, they might not be that great...grass is always greener scenario. So you basically just have to get on with your live alone and do things which make you happy. Then when some girl does come along, you wont come across as negative, but a person who is content with life. (major turnon)

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

OK - the problem in the above situation is that its a bad bad way to approach women. From a female perspective, if Im chatting to my two pals and some guy appears and barges in on our conversation - he will definitely get a knock back. Your friend needs to learn how to approach women. Its got to be done with eye contact and smiles before ever making a physical approach. If the eye contact doesnt work, then dont go over - no visible knock back. Its not courageous to approach women in the situation above, its socially inappropriate. Unless he is super handsome, with some amazing lines - chances are the knock back will be swift. So in the above situation Id blame your mate for making a social gaffe. Next time he needs to read the situation.
I do understand what you mean here about loss of dignity - but in fairness, the guy brought that on himself.

He wasnt actually a freind of mine, didnt know the chap. We just spotted him appraoching the girl(who was on her own at this point, friends had gone to the bar)and decided to watch to see how the situation played itself out. Its a bit harsh to say that he brought the despicable behaviour he was subjected to upon himself. Seriously I really felt like slapping those girls that night. They may have looked attractive from the outside but they were rotten to the core.

[/QUOTE]I think you need to rethink your approach to women in general. Ill bet the reason you were approached more when you were in a relationship was that you were giving out good confident vibes, higher self esteem etc... Now that youre single youre giving out the 'i dont want to lose my dignity and women have it easier than men' vibes - so youre not getting approached because women are sensing that there is something negative going on. Of course I could be totally wrong, but I do think youve got to look at the reasons why things are different for you now.[/QUOTE]


This is probably true. When I was with my girlfriend Id say I gave off more of a, "I dont care if you fancy me or not" vibe because I was already taken. The problem now is how do I get that kind of attitude back when Im not with someone?
Its possible I am giving off negative vibes, its hard for me to say for sure because I cant see how others view me. This could be my blindspot. It just seems unfair that men are socially obligated to be the ones who risk rejection more than women. However you are right in saying that its just the way things are. I understand this but its very hard to accept. I dont know if I'll ever be willing to play the game as it where, and go chasing even though it would probably result in me ending up alone if I dont.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think this issue is two-fold.
Firstly, yes I do think it's easier for women and men often do have to do the lions share of asking out and chatting up which gives women the upper hand when it comes to rejections...added to the fact that pubs and clubs are not where most girls go looking for a partner, they tend to have a lot of drunken, desperate blokes looking for a leg-over and so you'll see a disproportionately high percentage of knock-backs.
Secondly, you have to at least show some interest to generate any responses at all. Yes, guys have to do the lions share but at some stage you are just going to have to accept that and get on with it if you want to join in the dating game.
Best of luck.

Thanks Ickle Magoo. Thats pretty much a spot on answer. I think the bottom line is, men are the ones who are expected to chase, for whatever reason. Women expect this and most men accept this. Way of the world. In general anyway. But Like I said above, personally I cant see myself chasing. I dont mind showing interest by means of eye contact or smiling, but I could never see myself approaching a girl I have never previously spoken to and chatting her up.
Somebody mentioned internet dating and I think id be even worse at that. From what Ive been told its a case of the men outnumbering the women 3:1. So a guy will send messges to women but not even get a response. Whatever about the real world dating situation being undignified I think I can say for sure that internet dating is absolutley without dignity, for the men anyway.

mood

I'm female an don't think it is easier for girls at all.

LegacyUser

Its definitely easier for women to score. Thats not in doubt. I think you do have to be open to showing interest and risk rejection. There are nasty people of both sexes, do not let those three girls colour your opinion of a whole gender. Do you know how ridiculous that is?

LegacyUser

Personally I don't find it easier but usually shy around guys even more so with the ones I like, I just wait to be approached but that doesn't happen too often either:)

Zen65

username555 wrote: »

My philosophy was Id meet a girl half way, I wouldnt expect her to chase me and I wouldnt chase her.

How do you meet somebody half way if you haven't met them?

It seems to me you're trying to meet your next girlfriend in a pub/club but you're not "playing the game" for that kind of place. After three years, you need to adopt a new strategy.

Try meeting women elsewhere first (sports clubs, social clubs, social events, etc) and then asking them to the pub if you feel more comfortable in that situation. It's very difficult to "cold call" in the pub scene, and clearly you aren't comfortable doing it.

Be at peace,

Z

Zen65

username555 wrote: »

Is it easier for women to get dates etc?

Unless you're planning a sex change, why waste your time asking yourself (or others) this type of question?

You wanted to change your fortunes, not write a thesis.

Get out and meet people.




Z

HavingCrack

Nightclubs/Pubs are just terrible, terrible, terrible places to meet girls/lads...end of story. If people started trying to meet people outside of these locations in Ireland more often I reckon everybody would have a much happier time .

username123

username555 wrote: »

The problem now is how do I get that kind of attitude back when Im not with someone?
Its possible I am giving off negative vibes, its hard for me to say for sure because I cant see how others view me. This could be my blindspot.

The right vibe is really about being happy in your own skin. Its a vibe that says 'I dont need outside validation, I am who I am and I like being me'. I know its a cliche but if you like yourself others will see something to like too. The world you see is a reflection of how you feel, if you feel paranoid you will see people glancing at you and assume bad things, if you feel happy you assume something different from the same glances. A bit of an over simplfication - but you know what I mean?

Soul Stretcher

"The world you see is a reflection of how you feel, if you feel paranoid you will see people glancing at you and assume bad things, if you feel happy you assume something different from the same glances. A bit of an over simplfication - but you know what I mean?"

Agree totally with username123 on this.

To answer OP's question:

If you're single and horny and want to have sex tonight with someone you've yet to meet - YES it's easier for women to get laid.

If you're single and just feeling out the possibility of meeting someone who will rock your world emotionally, physically, sexually and mentally - It's equally hard for both sexes. Perhaps even harder for women to weed out those men only after a vagina from those who are ready to commit emotionally to them.

I think you're stuck in a rut OP. I'm well familar with ruts myself !

The Pub/Club environment is a specialized almost artificial affair. There are rules or principles of behaviour that will get you laid e.g. being life and soul of the party and having loads of friends out having a good time will make you more attractive than standing in the corner holding your pint to your chest.

I understand how hard it is for quieter Men (don't know if you are or not) to meet people in clubs. I think the thing is to stop trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole.

Maybe the pub isn't a comfortable dating environment for you. So the best thing to do is meet people during the day outside pubs doing whatever floats your boat.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. It probably is a pointless question at the end of the day, whether or not its easier for women. Even if it is(which I think it is)it doesnt make a difference to my situation I suppose. Unless every bloke got together and decided it was unfair that we are expected to do all the chasing/asking and just go on strike as it where, nothing will change. One of those things about life thats not fair but you have no power over. Well except for the power to opt out and not take part I suppose.
I agree, pubs/clubs = bad place to meet people. Although I have done the club thing aswell but unfortunately have found that any girl I find even remotely attractive is already spoken for.

mood wrote: »

I'm female an don't think it is easier for girls at all.

Just as a matter of interest and to get a female perspective on things, why do you think its not easier for women to get dates?

IrishEyes19

@ OP, heya, well I understand what you're talking about, but I'm a girl, so I'll give you my opinion from the otherside.

I understand what you mean about it being 50/50, and Im sure that the minute I say this, I'm going to get a stream of people giving out, but despite the fact that the world has changed, and girls can now approach guys and such, I dont see it happening too much without drink and what not. I think a lot of girls go on the lines that if a guy likes them they will respond if they feel the same. Now having said that, I think possibly the fear of rejection is big too, it is hard to get rejected but your not really losing anything if you didnt have it in the first place. And believe me rejection isnt always personal, often people are already seeing someone or else dont want anything its as simple as that....

I would say maybe start making the move yourself and go for it, rejection or not. Also, perhaps suggest nights out with your friends rather than waiting to get invited, you seem like a lovely person and that little extra confidence will pay off eventually.

PS: You said loads of girls were approaching when you were in a relationship, I think thats because you werent looking for a relationship at that stage...you had a girlfriend and therefore people were drawn to the fact that you werent actively seeking. They always say love will come when you least expect it!!! Keep us posted:)

Wompa1

sarmer wrote: »

I honestly have to say in my experience that women have it just as hard if not harder. Society expects men to chase and women to be chased - in my opinion men have the power. They can see a girl they like and go for it - despite what anyone says if a girl sees a guy shes likes its frowned upon if she makes a move and a lot of people would view it as desperate. It shouldn't be that way but it is.

Even with guys I've dated, they expect to be the ones doing the chasing. As soon as I start initiating texting or suggesting things to do, I've generally found the guys lose interest. It really annoys me because I want things to be fair and equal in a relationship and I believe things should be 50/50 eg in terms of initiating contact, suggesting things to do etc. And its in my nature to be pro active about things - I hate having little or no power in the dating scene because despite what people say and despite it being the 21st century, men hold the power when it comes to dating.

Sounds like you've been picking losers. Try not going for lads..I know theres alot of them but it doesn't mean you have to go with them. Men appreciate women, lads don't. I personally think it is miles more difficult for guys.

IrishEyes19

username555 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. It probably is a pointless question at the end of the day, whether or not its easier for women. Even if it is(which I think it is)it doesnt make a difference to my situation I suppose. Unless every bloke got together and decided it was unfair that we are expected to do all the chasing/asking and just go on strike as it where, nothing will change. One of those things about life thats not fair but you have no power over. Well except for the power to opt out and not take part I suppose.
I agree, pubs/clubs = bad place to meet people. Although I have done the club thing aswell but unfortunately have found that any girl I find even remotely attractive is already spoken for.




Just as a matter of interest and to get a female perspective on things, why do you think its not easier for women to get dates?

Well that could be your problem too, OP, seriously just because a girl is remotely attractive tells you nothing about her, and secondly, it's a club, realistically they're not the same people in the club as they are, out of it, without the dark lights, all done up and alcohol...

I don't think it's easier to get dates, a lot of guys just saying are often out there to score on the night, and whether or not they take your number, often or not, you won't hear from them again the next time. And the way times have gone, its awkward afterwards, especially if you know the person.

trente

I'm in agreement with the OP. But I also agree with other replys stating that society has made it more acceptable for men to chase women.

What technique do women like to be 'chased' with? What's acceptable? What's unlikely to lead to an embarrassing rejection for the guy?

IrishEyes19

trente wrote: »

I'm in agreement with the OP. But I also agree with other replys stating that society has made it more acceptable for men to chase women.

What technique do women like to be 'chased' with? What's acceptable? What's unlikely to lead to an embarrassing rejection for the guy?

Don't think there any set technique really, as in saying hello is always a great first step, lol , not creeping up behind you in a club, thats a turn off. Maybe chatting at a bar, commenting on the club or bar or wherever you are. You'll know in seconds if she's interested as she will either stay and chat, or have some amazing excuse to why she has to go.

There is no way to stop embarassing rejection, because it's either yes or no. People have to jump off the side and take the risk, thats what dating is all about. Nothing gained nothing lost here if you get the "NO"

Princess Peach

I'll be honest and say I get a good bit of male attention on a night out, and can easily find a guy for a dance and some kissy time on the dancefloor, but I never get asked on a proper date. These lads are just all into getting me back to their house for the night, which isnt' something I ever do. I want a guy to be interested in me for my personality, but they dont even want to know you. Its hard to meet new guys except on a night out though! So my point here is not its not easier for girls to find a decent guy who will ask them on a date. I am now on a vow of celebacy cause I'm sick of kissing randoms and getting nowhere in my love life!

LegacyUser

Princess Peach wrote: »

I'll be honest and say I get a good bit of male attention on a night out, and can easily find a guy for a dance and some kissy time on the dancefloor, but I never get asked on a proper date. These lads are just all into getting me back to their house for the night, which isnt' something I ever do. I want a guy to be interested in me for my personality, but they dont even want to know you. Its hard to meet new guys except on a night out though! So my point here is not its not easier for girls to find a decent guy who will ask them on a date. I am now on a vow of celebacy cause I'm sick of kissing randoms and getting nowhere in my love life!

But thats the point I'm making, you dont have to do anything, just turn up and a guy will approach you. Thats why I think its easier for women, you dont have to do the approaching. It doesn't happen that way for men. If a girl turned up at a pub and stood at the bar within 10 minutes(maybe less)she'd be appraoched. If a guy turned up at the same pub and stood at this bar the only person who would even speak to him would be the barman..........telling him how much he owes for the drinks.
Put yourself in the place of the guys approaching you, how terrified would you be? It takes a lot of courage and I just think most women dont realise how much courage because they never have to do the approaching themselves. Instead there is a sense of entitlement that I feel a lot of women have, they expect guys to approach and get annoyed when the guy is a little drunk or they feel he's only after one thing. Do you know how much a guy would give to have a girl appraoch him for a bit of kissy time on the dance floor?
I had these two female friends and they were always complaining about the lack of guys approaching them. Then one night I went out with them and I saw what they actually meant was that prince charming didnt stroll in on a white horse, sweep them off their feet and take them away to life happily ever after. They got appraoched that night, they got appraoched a lot. But because prince charming didnt approach them they discounted everybody else who did. I pointed this put to them and asked why they had dismissed the guys that had approached them.
From the responses it seems like the reason why women feel its more difficult is becasue they feel like they have to weed out those that just want to get the leg over from those that want soemthing more meaningful or long term. And I suppose that would be a difficult thing to have to do. But the reason why I say its easier for women is because they have that opportunity to choose between the good and the bad, they get approached, they dont have to risk rejection. And those are two massive things.

Princess Peach

Yeah its easy for me to get with some random I dont particularly like, but I get way too nervous around lads I do like! I was out a few weeks ago and a guy I liked was out and my tactic was to dance kinda near him. I know he's a nice guy and it wouldnt have been any problem for me to talk to him but I just couldnt! So we too have the fear of rejection.

Wompa1

Princess Peach wrote: »

Yeah its easy for me to get with some random I dont particularly like, but I get way too nervous around lads I do like! I was out a few weeks ago and a guy I liked was out and my tactic was to dance kinda near him. I know he's a nice guy and it wouldnt have been any problem for me to talk to him but I just couldnt! So we too have the fear of rejection.

Just not the fear that there is nobody out there that will have you because like you said yourself you can easily get a randomer. In regards to the guys you like, have you ever been flat out rejected before or why do you fear it?

Princess Peach

But the randoms don't like me, they just want to get their bit and move on! I want someone who likes me as a person not a ride. And yes I have been rejected on several occasion, most recently by my boyfriend of a year who just dumped me out of the blue one day

Wompa1

Princess Peach wrote: »

But the randoms don't like me, they just want to get their bit and move on! I want someone who likes me as a person not a ride. And yes I have been rejected on several occasion, most recently by my boyfriend of a year who just dumped me out of the blue one day

Rejection after a year is differnet. People can grow apart, or lose feelings for one another. I think this thread is more in relation to getting to hook up to begin with.

I'd say don't have sex with a guy too quick or they will just use you for sex. Don't play games i.e. That he's just not that into you bullcrap alot of girls follow. If they still use you then go lesbian!

Ickle Magoo

Please keep the discussion relevant to the OP. If anyone else wants advice please feel free to start their own thread. Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.
Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.
Ickle

Princess Peach

I have been rejected for hook ups also. But the point is not about hook up, its about dates. I can get as many randoms as I want but I cant get a date! Its not easier for girls to get dates cause guys dont like to ask you on a date, they just ask you back to their house that night. If a guy wants to get a date he should be brave and ask a girl. I'm too shy to do it myself. And I would honestly love to be a lesbian, but girls are icky.

LegacyUser

Princess Peach wrote: »

Its not easier for girls to get dates cause guys dont like to ask you on a date, they just ask you back to their house that night.

Ok maybe we're not all on the same page here and the debate has turned to focusing solely on nightclubs/pubs. Thats probably my fault and for that I apologise. But I intended this discussion to be about all areas of life, not just pubs/clubs. Maybe in a niteclub environment some guys with booze on them are only trying to get the leg over. Id question whether all of us are like that though. I know a lot of fellas arent just out for a one night stand and genuinely would like a girlfriend.

Princess Peach wrote: »

If a guy wants to get a date he should be brave and ask a girl. I'm too shy to do it myself.

So the guy should be brave but girls shouldnt??? Please tell me all women dont think like this.........

Ickle Magoo

OP, do you have a specific Personal Issue that you require advice on?

Princess Peach

I guess the point of the nightclub is that there's not that many places where young people meet each other except on nights out. Where else do can you meet new people? Cause its driving me mad!

And for me yes, the guy does have to make the first move. Its not this way for all girls, I know a few confident girls who will ask a guy out. I'm just a bit crazy

Hrududu

Every time I see one of these threads I laugh. You do realise that not every girl has this magical power to go out and pull whoever they want? Not every girl is a stunner. In fact there are a lot of girls who never get approached. Or do they just not count?

Ickle Magoo

Okay, this has turned into a general discussion on who finds it easier to get a date & why so I'm moving to humanities so it can be debated properly.

OP, if you have a specific issue personal to you that you require advice for then please post that in PI.

jamimon

Hrududu wrote: »

Or do they just not count?

irishh_bob

Hrududu wrote: »

Every time I see one of these threads I laugh. You do realise that not every girl has this magical power to go out and pull whoever they want? Not every girl is a stunner. In fact there are a lot of girls who never get approached. Or do they just not count?

were a guy to approach a line up of ten women at a bar and directly proposition each one of them right from the get go , he could most likely expect a slap in the face from half of them and a kick in the you know whats from the other half

were a girl to do the exact same thing , she wouldnt even need to ask the second guy , women who are single ( or at least celebate ) are so because they choose to be , a woman can get sex anytime she wants , its absolutly different and easier for women , to claim otherwise is pure make believe

Princess Peach

irishh_bob wrote: »

women who are single ( or at least celebate ) are so because they choose to be , a woman can get sex anytime she wants , its absolutly different and easier for women , to claim otherwise is pure make believe

Oh this makes me sooooo angry!

Anybody can get sex anytime they want. Go to a club and you are bound to find some disgusting person who will go home with you.

I can say that perhaps I am single by choice but its because I have standards. I could go to a club tonight, pick some loser jerk and get with him, but thats not gonna make me happy.

I'm single because I can't find a decent guy to treat me right!

I really think you posted this just to annoy women, job well done!

Emme

jiggy jiggy wrote: »

I agree with OP. It is easier for women to score, have one night stands etc. All they have to do is just sit back and watch the men approach. Its most definitley a sellers market out there and for us guys, that's frustrating. I'm 34, considered good looking by female friends yet I was a virgin up to a couple of weeks ago. For years, this is what happened to me; I would chat up women in pubs and nightclubs, score, go off with them, get their numbers etc. but for some reason it never lead to sex or I would go over and chat up a woman and be told to get lost/ go over, chat to a woman but she would say she had a boyfriend.

Did you bother calling these women whose numbers you got? If you called some of those women back there's no reason why you shouldn't have got at least one date out of it. I've seen some guys with dubious hygiene get girls for dates when they call them after meeting in a club - a guy would want to be seriously ineligible to get refused for a date in this country if he called a random selection of women for a date. Another poster said that men have all the power when it comes to dating and that is so true. Lots of guys want one night stands and if we're lucky about 10% of those who take our numbers and say they'll call actually do so.

jiggy jiggy wrote: »

However all was not lost. About 3 months ago my mother introduced me to a friend of a friend. She was slightly younger than me with a young child but single. She is eastern European, a brunnette but a very charming and attractive lady. She has been living here for 7 years but since having broke up with a long term about 4 years ago, she has had a few relationships.

Lucky her having a few relationships after splitting up from her long term 4 years ago. Lots of women here haven't had a relationship in 4 years or more and not from the lack of trying to meet someone. These are caring women who look after themselves, look well without plastering on fake tan, makeup etc. and aren't looking to bleed a man dry financially or fit any other stereotypes that abound about women here.

jiggy jiggy wrote: »

We got on really well, went for dinner, cinema, long walks, picnics etc.

How did she do it, get you go for dinner, cinema, long walks and picnics? Most of the guys that my friends and I meet only want a one night stand or sex after the first date. If they don't get they're off. I can understand guys being reluctant to spend money on dating in this economic climate, but most guys want to invest as little time as possible before getting down to business. The ones we meet in the pub want to go home and do the deed straight away and the ones on dating sites think a 20 minute coffee date will suffice and many of them bring up sex after 5 minutes!:eek: At this stage straight-up NSA encounters seem infinitely more honest than the hypocrisy that abounds in Irish pubs, clubs and internet dating sites.

jiggy jiggy wrote: »

Then one Monday aound lunch time around 2 weeks ago she called over. I was of for the day and her child was with a friend in the zoo. We had planned to go for a walk but I decided to just go for it. To cut a long story short within 20 minutes the two of us were standing in my bedroom completley naked. We just touched each other and it was then I started getting all nervous. I had never been in the company of a naked woman before and her beautiful taut body was there before me. I blurted out that I had never done it before. She told me not to be nervous and just go with the flo and hugged me. Well we made love with her setting the tempo, talking me through and guiding me through all the moves starting with the foreplay through to the climax. Since then I have never looked back and I am now with a beautiful woman. Thank you Mila.

It sounds lovely but just a little unbelievable. How does a good looking guy in Ireland get to 34 and remain a virgin if he's making even a modicum of effort socially? Unless you live in a very remote area it's hard to believe, in Dublin the likelihood is most unlikely. Unless you were extremely fussy and I have a feeling this was your case.

jiggy jiggy wrote: »

OP, just relax man, it will all fall into shape. I was like you not so long ago but it came along. You just need to be more confident with yourself. I made the move and have never looked back. Good luck mate.

You didn't make the move, your mother and your Eastern European girlfriend did. If you had made as much effort with another woman things would be no different.

I find that the Eastern European women I know are much more confident with men than Irish women. Maybe they haven't been burned as much as Irish women, but they approach men with the attitude that men are going to like them and want to be with them. And this happens time and time again. On the other hand too many Irish women hide their anger, pain and disappointment behind a mask of defensiveness and dismissiveness. And they get blown out by guys or just treated as one-night-stand material.

In this country a woman could have sex every night of the weekend for most of her life, but never actually make love because men don't want to get close enough for anything more than mechanical gratification. This is so sad.

Maybe it's the same for guys as well. I don't know, but from a woman's view it's harder, not easier.