Turning into my mother. help!

LegacyUser

I think I am turning into my mother and that is a bad thing. When I was a child mymother was strict and often beat me severely. I swore I would never do the same to my children. Things have been difficult for the family recently. Dh has had his earnings reduced substantially and there is a lot of stress as a result. Recently I lost it with my 14 year old daughter who wante to buy a stupid pair of shoes for €75, and beat the daylights out of her. Since then she has been quiet and submissive. The trouble is, I have enjoyed the feeling of having power over her. My mother used to order me to do or not do things and threaten a beating if she was disobeyed. She had a horrible smile when she did it. I have almost caught myself doing the same thing and it terrifies me. I don't know what to do.

Nevyn

Ok well firstly well done one copping on that what happened wasn't right and deciding to ask for help to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I would suggest you go consider going to a parenting course for dealing with teens and that you consider getting some counselling for your self.

That type of abuse was the norm and it can be hard to break the cycle but you can if you want to.

Shazanne

I suggest that you seek medical help immediately as you are obviously under considerable stress. What concerns me most about what you said is that you enjoyed the feeling of power you got. I would suggest that you speak to someone who specialises in domestic abuse - and I am not suggesting that you are abusing you children! However, their counsellors deal with that "control" issue, which is the trigger for abuse of all kinds. People think that domestic abuse is when a man is beating a woman - this is not the case and there are excellent support systems in place for parents and children. Abuse is inclined to follow a pattern so the faster you address a problem the easier it will be not to fall into that pattern. You obviously love your daughter very much or you would not have taken the time or effort to post on here. Don't feel guilty for what has happened - just learn from your reaction to the situation:)

smelltheglove

How was your father with you? I love my parents but my mother left when I was a kid and even though we have a great relationship now I try my best to treat my kids the way my dad treated me and if I feel at all that I am leaning the other way I pull myself back. You have a great role model in your mother, a role model of what not to do and the knowledge of your feelings as a child should be enough to push you back on track, if you feel you may be acting like her you have to pull yourself back before you let it go too far.

As for beating your child? Have you spoken to her about this? You could try numerous different avenues, doctor, psychiatrist, helplines, you have underlying issues and taking these out on you rdaughter is a big no no.

doodlenoodle

The suggestions of seeing a professional to deal with your situation is sound, but you probably won't do it. Particularly if this is the first time it happened.

But you will have to be honest with yourself, hitting your daughter is the easy way out. You don't have to discuss with her, listen to her, respond or respect her. You just use brute force and her love and respect for you to break her.

I understand the sense of power and satisfaction you feel. But you need to consider a few things...
1. Every time you hit, you will have to do it harder to get the same results.
2. You are teaching her that it's ok that someone she loves treats her that way.
3. You are behaving like a child, hitting when words don't work.

Dealing with your kids defiance or inconsiderate behaviour with a beating, might solve things now. But it's not a long term solution.

I don't think that being hit cause emotional scarring, but I do believe that you have failed yourself as a parent if you have to resort to physical force.

Been there, done that.

beans

And by seeing you break this cycle of violence, your daughter may be less likely to perpetuate it and inflict it on the next generation.

Good luck.

Nicki123

Shazanne wrote: »

I would suggest that you speak to someone who specialises in domestic abuse - and I am not suggesting that you are abusing you children!

I couldn't disagree more. You are physically abusing your daughter and it can/will do long term psychological damage to her. You are also teaching her that it's ok for a loved one to inflict violence on her - would you like to see her married to a husband who beats her? I would guess not, so why is it ok for you to " beat the living daylights out of her"?

You have been very honest about how you reacted to this feeling of control and I have to applaud that but I would beseech you to get some help asap before you do irrepairable damage to your little girl. You can ring the ISPCC and they can give you details of counsellors/parenting courses you can take.

My mother also beat the living daylights out of me and I'm sorry to say it has had profound effects on me as a person. She made me an insecure/needy person in many ways and while I was a very happy child, I was an intensely unhappy teenager and couldnt understand what I had done to make my mother hate me so. As it turns out she was intensely unhappy in her own life and used me as her punchbag. She was one of those people who couldnt just slap once, she completely lost control and I think got a kick out of inflicting such pain on me. I couldn't understand why it was ok for her to abuse me but she would have been on her high horse if a teacher or other kid raised their hand to me. So you see your behaviour has already had a massive impact on your daughter if she has been quiet and submissive.

I have my own child now and this cycle of abuse stops with me and god forbid I ever raise a hand to any child I would seek help straight away.

Please please please contact the ISPCC, you can ring them in confidence and you won't even have to tell them your name.