Starting to freak out over child

LegacyUser

Not sure if this is the right place and maybe not as big a problem as some of the others but this is causing me and the missus serious strain.

Our son is nearly three and a half and he can barely talk and refuses to be toilet trained.

I work pretty much all day so it seems to be all down to the wife to teach him. However, over the last year he has not really devolped at all.
She thinks I blame her but im just annoyed that I am not there and I cant really do much when I get home as it is time for his bed.
He understands everything we say to him and can repeat nearly every word he just cant seem to answer any questions, he just repeats them back to us.
He just seems to be very baby like compared to the other kids his age.

And he just refused to be toliet trained, if we try to dress him without a nappy on he freaks out. On the plues side he is very friendly and plays well with all the other kids.

Has anybody else had problems like this?
Is there any where we can bring him?
We have tried speech therapy but has not really helped too much.

As I said it is causing me sleepless nights and making me think i have failed as a dad.
Please help.

Zaph

Moved from PI

deisemum

The one thing that stands out to me from what you've posted is that there's serious strain between your wife and yourself. Your wife has picked up on your annoyance and feels you're judging her as a mother and you're suffering from sleepless nights and feeling like you've failed as a father. I think you're having a major over-reaction here.

I can tell you now that children including babies and toddlers pick up on tension so I'm not surprised your son isn't performing, he's too stressed out over the whole thing.

If you want things to improve then you've got to start with your own behaviour because it's way over the top in my opinion. Back off and let things get back to a relaxed environment.

I've toilet trained over 20 children now and toddlers revert to more baby like behaviour when there are changes or their environment is stressful. Some children who've been toilet trained start bedwetting when they start school or get a particular teacher.

It's mostly boys that I've toilet trained and the majority were 3 before they were ready to be toilet trained, girls tend to be earlier. One boy was 3.5 and another 4.5 but had delayed development.

Some people mistake toilet timing with toilet training which are 2 different things and they think their child is toilet trained when in fact they're not.

For a start I'd recommend forgetting about toilet training for a month or so, make whatever time you have with your son fun and don't even mention toilets so that the pressure is off. Then in a month or so try for a day or so and if it works all very good but if not do not make an issue of it, just put it off for another month.

In a couple of different child related courses that I've done over the years one thing to do with toilet training in discussions is that those who are anal retentive type personalities are often the ones who've had issues around toilet training.

silja

What didthespeech therapistsay about his not talking?

syklops

And he just refused to be toliet trained, if we try to dress him without a nappy on he freaks out.

No wonder he freaks out if you try to dress him with out a nappy, when he is not toilet trained. I would freak out aswell if I was in a similar situation.

My cousin didn't utter a word until he was about 7. They took him to therapists, and doctors, and they found nothing wrong physically or mentally. The first time he spoke was when there was another child in the house who had picked up one of his toys and he said "Thats mine!".

My sister learnt to read at about 2 but still had a nappy and a bottle at 4.

Kids develop at different speeds. It doesn't all go they way Dr Spock says it does, but if there is tension between you and your wife, it could affect him.

You said you can spend much time with him because you get home from work at his bedtime. What do you do with him at weekends?

Chuchoter

You say he can't talk, but he understand you? He could be way ahead of other kids his age in terms of understanding, but just a bit shy about talking. If you guys are stressed all the time, he's probably stressed too and doesn't want to talk for that reason.

Butterflylove

My brother had a difficult time talking as a child he could repeat everything you would say to him etc but he'd get the words mixed up when trying to answer questions he didnt speak through the whole of he's first year at creche my mom brought him to a speech therapist he said he was very smart but had a form of dislexia and would mix up words even though he knew the meaning of them etc it took patience and time and he grew out of it with some help from my mom she use to read with him and for every word he got right by himself she would praise him and never taking notice for the ones he made mistakes with just told him to sound it out etc,

Your son is still only 3 I know some kids that just started to talk then I wouldnt worry about it we all learn these things at a different pace dont compare him to other kids were all different took me two years to learn how to ride a bike and my sister 2 days

metrovelvet

I think the last thing you should do is start freaking out. I know that's easier said ... but it could make the child feel like he is a freak and could compound the problem. I think it could be a confidence thing too.

cynder

If you have concerns speak with your public health nurse. You should have her number. Did he have his 3 1/4 developmental yet, if not it would be best that you contact the Public Health nurse and make an appointment.

Your phn will be able to give you/wife help and support.

My one son wasn't potty trained until he was 3.5 my other boy has a few issues and i got him a musical potty for €40 from smiths it looks like a toilet and flushes and he was potty trained quicker using that.

Also i found speech therapy useless until last week, she finally made a breakthrough with him, he finally sussed that words have endings, even though he still makes a pause before the last consonant he has made progress and i think he now realised that the speech therapist is there to teach him to talk.

good luck

LegacyUser

Hi

Thanks for the replies.
Myself or the missus are never stressed in front of him. I guess over the past year alot of time has gone to our new baby daughter. So maybe thats why he has slowed down a little.

When i get home from work i always bring him for a walk and over the weekend i try to do as much as possible. It just seems his speech is very slow. He cant understand when we are asking him a question just repeats nearly everything we say. But understands when we ask him to choose something or he can tell you his name and his age too.

I try to make everything fun but he gets scared when i ask him to use the toilet.

I guess I am just looking for the best person to bring him to.
Doctor or specialist etc?

Thanks

cynder

You should show your son the film look whos talking where they train the toddler how to go to the toilet.

If your looking to see a doctor or specialist the public health nurse can refer you.

LegacyUser

What did the speech therapist say? Ask your GP to refer you to a psychologist dealing with developmental delay, mainly because it sounds like he can't process language aurally. Repetition of sounds is often used to buy time to process a question by people with some disorders that are associated with poor verbal processing. If it is one of these, early intervention is generally good so now is the time to really be addressing this. That's not saying it is, of course. The little guy may well be stressed out or just taking his time and chilling out.

In the mean time, when asking him a question it might be a good idea to present a visual cue. For example, if you're asking him does he want baked beans or spaghetti hoops with his dinner, hold up a can of each but have him verbally state his preference.

Deliverance

Startingtofreakout wrote: »

Hi

Thanks for the replies.
Myself or the missus are never stressed in front of him. I guess over the past year alot of time has gone to our new baby daughter. So maybe that's why he has slowed down a little.

When i get home from work i always bring him for a walk and over the weekend i try to do as much as possible. It just seems his speech is very slow. He cant understand when we are asking him a question just repeats nearly everything we say. But understands when we ask him to choose something or he can tell you his name and his age too.

I try to make everything fun but he gets scared when i ask him to use the toilet.

I guess I am just looking for the best person to bring him to.
Doctor or specialist etc?

Thanks

Complicated... My initial reaction as a parent / uncle with kids that have learning difficulties etc and not an expert in any other sense would be...

In your case: Some kids are late developers but catch up really fast, you said that he has no prob with other kids so 'I imagine' that his communication skills are not a huge issue, that may rule out autism, dyspraxia etc? Maybe the communication problems exist between yourself and the child? possibly work on that and try to spend more time with him i.e. quality time over quantity of time?

Not harsh to say that by the way, you did express not feeling that you have not enough time with the child. So guilt, expectation, need, new child etc... and all that is picked up by little ones.

Maybe as a parent / adult your expecting to much, to fast all the time due to the short time that you spend with the little one, as a result you are also unnecessarily stressed by what I see as a totally natural concern.

When you say that your child repeats questions that you asked them? I imagine that this is a question right back at you from the child, we all do that even as adults when we do not understand the question do we not?

I think I get it now. You need to read your child books at bedtime as routine, you need to read some stories and let the child ask you questions about the stories. The book and bedtime story is a great mediator between parent and child as a communication device. Look into books that communicate your situation as a story between you and the child.

Plenty of non pressurised potty training books out there as well as much as there are reward systems in place for potty training that you may need to look into... time allowing of course in your busy schedule.

Maybe your busy schedule is the problem in all this OP. I feel that the bottom line for you 'my opinion' is that you need to learn how to interact with your child more in the short time that you have with him. Am I right?

If so then your question could be more like what can I do to make the most of my time with my child?

I'm a seperated dad by the way so I have ltd time with my child myself, I make the most of it. I hope the above helps and makes sense if not a bit long winded;)

Oh and just had a thought! Maybe you should give the mom some time as well in your busy schedule, I'm surprised at myself for leaving that as an afterthought to be honest. Maybe the Mom i.e. your partner in crime might need a bedtime story or two as well;) It is easy to forget the Mom she is only human as well. Like yourself ya selfish git ya;)

I learned the hard way by the way, I guess that is why we are seperated, hindsight is a great thing;)

lynski

I am surprised your PHN as not picked up on a problem that might be there - i know one of my neighbours has a child who sound like yours, more or less same age and all but she has only 2 word sentences and repeats a lot of words that you say to her or fixates on a word and repeats it. Our PHN sees them regularly and they are working on it, but i am not sure of the details as the parents dont talk much about it. I know she was concerned because she was in my house one day and my 20mth old has full sentences and it was very obvious that her little one was not ale to go anywhere near her.
There are 2 other children i know of the same age with similar speech issues - one is seeing a speech therapist and coming on very well and the other had hearing problems.
Like the others here said dont worry about the toilet training, it will come. and i agree with the read read and read, there is not greater way to expand a vocabulary. Try the list of books on the thread here for a good start.
I get my 3.5yr old to talk about his day at the end of every day, started with a good day/bad day question (thumbs up or down) and me talking him through it, then as he got older he talks his dad through it, i usually have to prompt him but it makes him 'process' the day.
Can you make phone calls during the day or skype? might encourage him?
sounds like whatever is going on you have a great start by being aware of the issues and wanting to work on it.
Good luck.

BTE72

We have a 6,4 and 3 yr old so everything is very recent for us.

Our now 6 year old starting speaking at around 3 yrs old and it was only the odd word for a good while .. mama dada etc. It had me worried like yourself but it fell into place naturally moreso when we brought her to montisorri/playschool

Our 4 year old on the other hand who by the way would buy and sell you started talking when she was 2 and doesn't know when to stop!

Our 3 year old, well he'll be 3 on Friday has only started to say the odd linked words in the last few weeks and only speaks when HE chooses. You could ask him a heap of times to repeat something and he'll do it if HE feels like it. Again i find myself getting worried and impatient and also comparing to other kids of the same age but I have to remind myself they're all individuals.

Try not to worry as he's still only very small, of course unless you really really feel there is something more to it.

BostonB

Just been through all the tests with one of our own. Kids of around 3 have a wide range of ability and still be within normal range. You should get him checked by the public nurse and she'll refer him further if needs be.