Troublesome Teenager

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'm an adult myself just finished college and home for a few weeks. I'm the second youngest to a 14 year old girl, there is a big gap between her and the rest of us (3). We are a normal middle class and successful family.

My sister has always been a bold child, who despite having as much as she wanted and needed, would be prepared to shout and scream to get her way.

Now a teenager she is starting to cause serious problems. While once a really gifted athlete and good in school, she is barely even playing sport and her grades are slipping. She is loud, abusive and agressive, and prepared to take my mother on physically. She recently returned from Irish college, and the weeks she was away were like a holiday for us.

Most recently she racked up a phone bill of over €100 to mobile phones, calling them as late as 2.30am. As we have a large house with portable phones we weren't aware of this until the bill came in. She has been told she will be repaying it, but we cannot discuss the topic as every effort results in her flying off the handle with a massive shouting match and embarassing us in front of the neighbours. She was hooked on MSN on her phone, luckily that phone broke and the replacement doesn't have this feature. She reverted to being on the computer non-stop, my father has recently put a time lock only allowing her an hour per day and a time limit every night.

I'm only back from college a few weeks and will soon be moving out permanently, but I worry for my parents, who seem burned out with her. They are grandparents at this stage and have been in the game too long. I fear that she will drive them to a divorce as it can be difficult at home with her these days. I worry for their health with the stress of it all. My mother was in tears today and expressed a desire that she be sent to boarding school.

Sorry for a bit of a ramble there, but has anyone any tips or advice? Is boarding school a suitable suggestion? I am in favour of it as she will be forced to respect their rules and may learn some discipline and respect, particularly as she is very well behaved in school currently. Its a bit awkward for me and my siblings, she may feel that she has 5 parents which probably isn't easy for her either.

LegacyUser

555999 wrote: »

Hi there,
...

My sister has always been a bold child, who despite having as much as she wanted and needed, would be prepared to shout and scream to get her way.


Most recently she racked up a phone bill of over €100 to mobile phones, calling them as late as 2.30am.

Spoilt. Rotten. Typical of this generation and needs to know what it's like to not have everything she needs and wants for. Breaks her phone? Tough. Runs up a bill? Repay it and not have use of phone at all while repaying the bill. Wants to use the computer for something other than school work? Tough. Save up and buy your own. Sounds like this girl has a serious case of "but I'm entitled" syndrome.

I'm not sure if boarding school would be a good idea. Might lead to a bit of "well I don't get it at school so I should have it ALL the time at home". And also some negative stuff about being sent away.

Unfortunately it just sounds like she's being a rotten spoilt teenager and your parents had her so they're in it til she comes out the other end. It's not nice but that's how it is. Be there to support them but you're right, you are a sibling and you're not one of a set of 5 parents.

LegacyUser

What a great support you must be to your parents. Also continue to try to be available to your sister even though she seems to push everyone away.

My 17 year old son 'Paul' sounds somewhat similar to your sister. He has always been bright and good natured at school and especially towards his 'friends'. However, in past six months he had become increasingly abusive, using bad language, always wanting his own way, facebook, texting friends a priority etc.... Typical teenager, friends would say. He'd say how he hated himself, stayed awake at night, didn't want to get up in the mornings, couldn't concentrate. Stated he was so bored even though he cancelled activities/opportunities himself....

Yes, these symptoms can be signs of depression in teenagers.
We called the GP to come to the house because Paul wouldn't go to see him. A few terrible days followed, he got out such verbal anger and abuse towards himself and us.
Finally he said he would go for counselling as this was the only advice the GP could offer. Even though he has had only a few appointments with a counceller, things have settled quite a bit, 75% better at the minute. Knowing we understand and want to help him has changed the atmosphere in the house.
Paul is talking now WITHOUT the attitude for the first time in years perhaps. He will give and take hugs. His 'friends' are of major importance to him and so we are trying to cope with lots of leggy, pimply lads around the place!!! He is our middle child and because of several factors, in hindsight, he probably was over protected/spoiled too much.

Have your parents spoken to their GP?
It is a good place to start as your sister is likely to get worse unless some professional intervens.

Yes, the stress on your parents is hugh and they need to seek help.
Unfortunately, NOTHING can work unless your sister understands she needs to talk to someone about what is causing her such unhappiness AND then work on changing that.

Fenetta

You must be a good support to your parents. They are under such stress now. Your sister needs you to be there for her as she is so unhappy.

You are in a tough position.

Briefly, I have a 17yr old boy who sounds like your sister.
Long story which I tried to post earlier before I became a member of Boards.ie today. Hope it will appear.
Did your parents try their GP? We had to get our GP out to our house because of the verbal abuse/anger.
Seems our son was showing signs of depression which can be displayed by this kind of behaviour in teenagers.
Started counselling and doing much better.
Please tell your parents to seek professional help, go to GP as first step. Don't give up, you will find a way to help them.

Fenetta

TO SOUNDS STRESSFUL

Yes I agree that the teenager sounds spoiled rotten. Thats exactly how depressed teenagers act. But its a much bigger picture than that. The parents in question are very stressed with the terrible behaviour etc... Taking away phones, computers, friends, etc... only causes more tantrums, resulting in a circle of stress.

What's causing the unhappiness?? MOST teenagers have tantrums, bad days etc.... but whats described here is more than the average case of teen hormones.
More punative action towards the teenager will only make her worse.

Please try talking to GP.